Bridesmaid travel issues

Ask her if she honestly wants to be a part of your wedding. Just prepare yourself for the answer.

View Quoted Comment That’s what I’m thinking. Thanks for the advice!

View Quoted Comment Exactly this.

Eh, I’d just let it go, especially if you don’t want to throw away the friendship. Her bridesmaids’ly duties are done by the middle of the reception anyway. From my perspective, she’s been cooperative— she said work and timing would be an issue, but you said Saturday was important to you, and she made that change for you. Seems like the trade off might be rushing home. Traveling cross country is still making a big effort to be there with you! And she’ll be there now for all the important stuff, and will just need to leave the party early. Traveling all that way even though she may not really have the time to do it is a big sacrifice on her part in my mind.
You could “let her off the hook” by saying you’d forgive her if it’s too much for her not to come, but there’s no way I’d suggest the “do you even want to be a part of this?” approach. It comes across as aggressive, and she’s already demonstrated willingness to rearrange her schedule to be there.
I do understand your frustrations and disappointment, but sometimes other peoples’ lives have a way of getting in the way and they do the best they can. It stinks, to be sure. But at least she’ll be there with you for a little bit. Appreciate the time you’ll have, and try to let everything else go. To do anything else, you’re creating unnecessary drama for yourself in this last stressful crazy stretch before the wedding.

It sounds like she's trying her best to make it to the wedding while also fulfilling her obligations to her job. Why would you end a friendship over something so trivial?

View Quoted Comment Thanks for the insight. I don’t want to create any drama for sure, and I don’t want to strain our friendship, but I’m certainly hurt by her. She just seems like it’s a real inconvenience. I couldn’t fathom doing this to a friend a month before their wedding.

View Quoted Comment First of all, I never said I wanted to end the friendship, but I am hurt by this. She had a year plus notice and up until now she’s told me she will be arriving several days before. I am afraid of the mutual disagreement leading to a strained friendship. I’m a very reasonable person, but I would never do to a friend why she is doing.

I'd be annoyed by this. I feel like as a bridesmaid, you need to be there the night before & leave the next day. It does make for a long weekend trip, but that's what being a bridesmaid is. Could you offer to help her look for cheaper flights? Or ask her if she really even wants to go?

View Quoted Comment I have been helping her look for flights, I offered her a room at my house to stay in, she would have to pay for any food for the weekend. I feel like I’ve been so accommodating. All I asked from my friends was to be there. I asked her to be my bridesmaid 15 months ago, and she was very excited to say yes. She had plenty of time to save and prepare.

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I'm totally on your side, I agree. She's had enough time, this is no excuse. You've also done everything you can. I agree, just ask her if she really even wants to be in the wedding.

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Exactly this! I don't know all airports but that just sounds dumb. There has to be other flights.. I would go so far as looking up flights myself. It sounds like she is trying but in the laziest way possible. A normal person/friend would know that leaving in the middle of the reception is just rude especially as she is part of the wedding. Lord help you! I would investigate flights myself as the situation would just have me very angry!

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She said that something came up at work. She may have previously planned to arrive several days before, but if circumstances at work changed that now doesn't allow for that, how is it her fault? Is she supposed to risk her job? If she didn't care or was trying to be hurtful she would just not come at all. Instead she's inconveniencing herself to travel such a long way for a short amount of time because she wants to be there for the wedding. She even changed her plans when you complained about her missing the rehearsal. She isn't doing anything wrong.

View Quoted Comment I mean, this really isn’t true or fair at all re:flights. There are TONS of routes that don’t run frequently. Between my bff and I, there is exactly ONE direct flight daily.

Last year, we were invited to a wedding in Arizona for a friend that we would have loved to celebrate with. But, we NEEDED to be somewhere by the end of the day the day after the wedding. I scoured for flights to try to make something work but there were literally only 2 flights that would get us to where we needed to be by when we needed to be there (again— the day after the wedding) , and those flights were at 12:35AM and 1:20AM respectively (and then led to a connection and a layover). It was an evening, black tie wedding....so we would have had to leave early to run to the airport in a tux and gown. It was truly our only option , cost was not even a factor. We ended up opting out because it was too much chaos and though they were friends we weren’t THAT close to really rationalize going though all that. But if it had been a closer friend, or we were involved in the wedding, we ABSOLUTELY would have. And we would’ve had to leave early to make a mad midnight dash to the airport.

View Quoted Comment Well, I respectfully disagree. I would in instantly tell my work I have a prior obligation. I would be honored to be in her wedding, and she’s treating mine like an inconvenience.

Honestly, I would just let her off the hook. It sounds like it is causing you as much stress as it is her. It isn't worth ending a friendship, but I think this kind of shows you how deep the friendship is at this point. We have all types of friends who fill certain parts of our life. No matter how long they have or haven't been part of our lives, friendships change over time. It sounds like this one isn't as close of a relationship to her as it is to you. That's okay. Let her know that as much as you would love her to be there with you, that it sounds like this is costing her a lot of money and stress. Let her know that it has caused you some stress as well, but that you can understand her point of view. This will let her know that it has affected you without causing any further damage to the relationship. Give her an out ("I will totally understand if you are unable to make it") and put the ball in her court. Then, you move on with your planning without including her. You don't need the added stress. My best advice is this: don't focus on the details or anyone else on the day of your wedding. Be prepared for something (or everything) to not go as planned. This is a good example of what marriage is like. We try our best, but without fail we will be tested when the unexpected happens and what truly matters is that the two of you (husband and wife) handle it together. You learn to roll with the punches. You can't have one of the best days of your life when you are so worried about details and people you can't control. Just enjoy the day and each other!!!!

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See that's why I said I don't know all airports, that sounds crazy. But as you said you absolutely would've made it as a piece of the wedding. She being PART of the wedding she should've known and seems she had plenty of time to prepare. Even if she had to take off work to have a longer stay to have made the flight situation work out. She waited til last minute then screwed herself and the bride. Not right. I would be furious!

My final anecdote: two of my bridesmaids (2 out of 3) started new job shortly before my wedding, so both had pretty strict work schedules. One of them with on a probationary period and could not take any days at all off and could not leave even a minute early. My wedding with out-of-state, diabetes, and we had previously discussed making a trip out of it, Enjoying some relaxing beach time before the big day, etc. but then life happened and That wasn’t a possibility. My wedding was on Saturday, so neither of these two girls were around at all the day before. They worked their whole day of work Friday, and then took off immediately to make the trip as soon as they could. Because most of the bridal party wasn’t around the day before, we didn’t do a rehearsal/dinner at all— I just took what I could get. We ended up doing a welcome reception for all of the out-of-towners instead, and the girls showed towards the end. It was the best they could do. And, it was totally and completely fine. The most important thing was that we all got ready together the day of the wedding. It was perfect, wonderful time, and just us. And, if I’m being completely honest, once the reception got underway, I lost track of my girls completely. I mean, I know they were out tearing up on the dance floor, but I was so preoccupied visiting family and people that are traveling a long distance and people that I haven’t been in a while, that I barely had time for my friends. Real talk: Famished early, it really wouldn’t have had much affect on me. I probably would barely have noticed except to say goodbye. I will always advise: take what you can get, and make the most of it. Sometimes thats the best you can do. My friends job change was a little bit of a wrench in our initial wedding plans, but it was such an amazing opportunity for her all I could do was be excited

View Quoted Comment I think this is the best advice I’ve received yet. Thanks. After years of friendship, it does sadden me that she’s the one pulling away. But, it is why it is. I will still have a beautiful wedding day, and get to spend my life with my future husband.

...lol, I should proofread before doing talk to text...my wedding had nothing to do with diabetes— was supposed to say “at the beach”

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Absolutely. I've been married 10 years this year (we are renewing our vows to celebrate). My biggest regrets from my wedding day were worrying too much that things were going wrong, and spending more time walking around talking to people than making time for my new husband to dance, eat, and laugh together. So, this time around, I'm making it all about us. On a side note, my new mother in law ended up passed out naked on the floor near our buffet line. She had way to much to drink before the ceremony and continued drinking at the reception and then got "hot" and decided to remove her clothing. She left in a rented table cloth wrapped around her. It's funny now, but at the time I was furious. Just rent an extra table cloth just in case!