Bridesmaid said no...

Sydney, some mothers are willing to backpack and camp in the wilderness with their infants in tow. They are perfectly content to crawl into a two man tent at night, snuggle with their infant in a sleeping bag, and let that infant nurse themselves to sleep. Others mothers can't even imagine doing something like that. As women, we have to be open-minded enough to let mothers figure out motherhood for themselves. I'm 55 and the mother of two adult children, and I can tell you that there is no way that I would have taken either six month old on a plane to Africa (and there wouldn't be a story shared by a woman who did something like that which could have moved me). If my daughter told me that she intended to take my grandson on a plane to Africa when he was six months old, she would have heard my opinion on the subject.

You cannot compare your cousin to the woman Amanda is talking about, and that's why saying "it seems like an excuse" is really unfair. Just because one woman is willing to take a 24 week old infant on a plane to Africa, that doesn't mean she's created or is following the conventional template for great parenting. The woman who doesn't want to travel a 10 hour route with a 10 month old isn't wrong and isn't making excuses to the bride. Every woman is different in her approach to motherhood, and remember, the baby the potential BM is now mothering is approximately 10 weeks old. This mother probably can't even envision what her 10 month old infant will look like. I think she deserves the benefit of the doubt here.

Disappointed, yes. Upset, no. No one should feel obligated to be in a wedding and everyone deals with life events differently. My cousin has no problem leaving the kids with hubby to drive 4 hours to visit her mother on a weekend. My best friend went no where without her kids the first few years.

We had an uneven BP, you can make it work.

OP, because you are asking for our opinions, I will tell you what I think.

1. Unless the child has an unusual medical condition, there is no reason that your friend's baby cannot travel at age 10 months. She should not have used her child as an excuse. It would have been better if she just said that she was stressed out and did not want the added stress of being a bridesmaid while she is a new mother.

2. Depending on how much you worry about being uneven, you may be able to get away with asking another bridesmaid. I don't think that it is a big deal if you are uneven but if you really hate the idea, consider asking someone who will not be too offended. An ideal candidate would be a junior bridesmaid such as your adolescent cousin. It is seven months away so it is not as last minute as it could be.

3. If you are uneven try to accommodate by reducing the number of times when the wedding party is coupled. Then it will not be as noticeable. The other thing that you can do is have the best man stand up with your groom instead of walking in the processional.

Whatever you decide, forgive her and enjoy your wedding without her. Try not to let it ruin the big day or ruin your friendship.....

Centerpiece flowers, I wasn't saying babies don't trump weddings. I was saying maybe the mom could have said she didn't WANT to fly the baby out, not that the baby couldn't fly til it was 26 months. Maybe I took the text too literally, but that was what I understood it as. Obviously babies come first. For all I care she could have said no because she didn't feel comfortable flying all that way herself. Was just giving my 2 cents on if babies can fly in general.

Sydney, I looked at that short sentence -- almost a postscript -- several times and almost deleted it. You're right -- It's too strong. I'm going back to delete it because in retrospect, it seems condescending and slightly insulting. Thanks for the reality check.

That does suck Amanda, sorry that happened. However if she's a brand new mom she's probably very overwhelmed with the completely different lifestyle. I'm not sure what this 26 months thing is all about but it might be that she changes her mind. I would say still send her an invitation to your wedding and when her baby is 9 months for the RSVP date she might have changed her mind about traveling. I know she won't be able to be in your wedding, but maybe at least she might change her mind about being a guest. And who knows maybe she'll have someone that's okay watching her baby while she comes for your wedding. Things could change so maybe she'll still get to be there.

I had an ex-bm who had a 6 month old baby at the time of my wedding. A lot of crazy stuff happened with her and the way she treated her child and she couldn't imagine leaving her baby when I talked to her when she was pregnant. Then she went to Moldova for a week without her baby after like 3 months. She then actually tried coming to my wedding but couldn't afford it. So you never know!

Oh and as others have said, uneven sides are fine, if you think there's someone you're close enough to then sure go ahead and ask, but don't feel forced to find another person.

It's disappointing, but as others have said, she's at a different stage in her life, (and one that is brand new to her and her husband...) Friendships are all about ebb and flow and changing priorities. True friendships survive.

Don't worry about the uneven; LOTS of my weddings are uneven! Just as you can't replace your friend in your life, you shouldn't try to replace her in the wedding. Invite her as a guest; she may feel differently by the RSVP date.

In the end, even though it stings right now, it's better for people to be honest about their ability to live up to your expectations (or what SHE thinks your expectations are....). So many posts here are about BP flakes; she's being cautious and that's bester in the long run

As a mother of two I can tell you that is bullshit...but good for her telling you now rather than later. And an uneven bridal party is fine. Don't add anyone else just because.

Is anyone else laughing at the "26 months" thing? Just say 2 years old. And then realize how ridiculous it is that you are saying you can't travel with a child under the age of two.

I agree that its better she not commit but the "26 months" thing has me crying with laughter.

Signed - 408 month old me.

Wow! Thanks, everyone! You ladies give awesome advice!

So, I guess there's a second part to my dilemma. I'm OK with uneven numbers - completely - but my FH would like them to be even, which could also be a part of why I'm upset. After sleeping on it, I feel better. However, my FH has 2 sister-in-laws, one of whom is VERY upset she wasn't in the wedding. I honestly don't care either way, but I do feel like you can't have one SIL without the other - etiquette-ly speaking. Do I ask SIL 1 or both or neither? We initially planned to have them do a reading instead...

Also FYI SIL 1 will have a baby who is 3 months old... Due in Feb.

Sorry to solicit so much advice!

Don't ask either. The people you ask to stand beside you, you asked for a reason...if you're only considering them now because your friend can't, you're gonna have a bad time.

Also someone who gets upset when they aren't asked to be a BM...probably NOT the kind of person you want as a BM. I would let your FH come around to the idea of an uneven party, it's honestly not all that uncommon and nobody will think anything of it.

I think I'd be more inclined to fly with a 10 month old before I fly with a 26 month old. Unless they are plagued with colic, 10 month olds are quite a joy to be around. They are still sucking on a bottle and/or pacifier, which helps with the change of pressure. When they hit 2, they all of a sudden want their independence. A flight with a toddler suddenly becomes a lot longer. I'm not buying that she has to wait until the baby is 26 months. She should have told you the truth. My friends over the years have all approached motherhood differently and she may be one who can't bear the thought of what it would take to travel with baby in tow.

I think not traveling until the baby is 26 months is a little ridiculous. But it was nice she was honest and told you from the beginning... i think the baby thing was an excuse maybe she doesn't have the money to fulfill her obligations as a BM which is perfectly okay and acceptable. You absolutely can be upset and anyone would be. Just don't make it bigger than it needs to be! Also uneven numbers aren't a big deal... i have OCD though so i totally understand if that'd make you crazy! Good luck and no worries

Regardless of her reason, she has her reason. Who are any of us to judge it? And maybe what she said is something her doctors told her because maybe something is up with the baby and she doesn't want to tell anyone. Or when she says the baby can't, it's that she can't handle it. Which is her choice. No one should tell someone else how to parent their child or what each other's abilities/desires are. I doubt the best friend doesn't want to go to the wedding, but she is a new mother and so she doesn't have experience in this kind of thing and is doing what she wants (which is fine).

I had an uneven wedding party, and it was fine. But since your FH is adamant... I'd be careful about asking one SIL without the other. That might cause issues.

Thanks Centerpiece Flowers! Before I became a mother, I didn't understand why so many women would have "excuses" why they can't do something. I never judged or condemned them, but now that I AM a mother, I totally get it. The thought of traveling with a child that has more than likely deprived you of sleep or an undisturbed bath or meal is overwhelming.

Oh and by the way, they're boys (Noah and Samuel) They have yet to meet a surface they didn't want to touch then lick or smell their hands. And as far as they are concerned, EVERYTHING, and I mean EVERYTHING, is edible.