Bridesmaid said no...

I wouldn't pick someone just for even numbers. I know it hurts but she has extenuating circumstances and was thoughtful enough to tell you beforehand.

Uneven numbers are okay, don't pick someone new, and it is okay to be upset. You're disappointed that a very close friend won't be a bridesmaid or attending. It's natural to feel sad about that. Sorry she won't be there.

You can be upset, but probably shouldn't express that too much to her. She's probably really sorry to miss it too, but she's got a two month old right now if my math is correct... So she's probably having a hard time. Guilt won't make her more likely to come. Maybe you two can figure out a way to do something special before or after the wedding. I'm sure she'll want to see pics! Or can you have her Skype in to the ceremony??

It's fine to be uneven, by the way.

Thanks for all the advice!!

She can't travel until she's 26 months??? Da-wha??? I've never heard of such a thing, but in any case uneven numbers are no big deal.

It's OK to be disappointed, but you still have to respect your friend as a new mother. Still send her an invitation when the time comes, and maybe by then she'll be comfortable enough to travel with her baby (my limited understanding of babies is that they change a lot really fast!).

If there is someone else you were considering, you could ask them. Otherwise, I'd rather have uneven numbers than just include someone just to fill a spot. I know I wouldn't want someone to ask me to be a bridesmaid for them just to make the sides even.

We were kind of uneven, so that part is fine. It's too bad that she can't come - I'd probably be upset about it too. Heck, I was upset that a few of my closest friends didn't come, also for travel-related reasons. Unfortunately every person experiences motherhood differently, and for some it's more overwhelming than the average. I know there's other ladies here who have experienced similar disappointments

That's disappointing. I would be upset as well. But at least she told you upfront and didn't just lead you on. Don't pick someone just to have even numbers! It'll just be added drama that you don't want.

I had a bridesmaid say no because her friend is getting married 6 months before me. It was hurtful but I let it go. Just be happy she told you now instead of saying yes and changing her mind right before your wedding! I also have a BM who will likely back out all because she dislikes the dress (long story) and now we will have uneven numbers. It's okay for it to be uneven and people probably won't even notice!

I understand you're disappointment totally, and if having even numbers is important to you and you have another close friend to ask, go for it, but uneven bridal parties are really common and no one will think anything of it. Sorry this happened to you, especially since you made the trip and were excited to ask her

Sorry your friend decided not to come; I know that can be a pretty big bummer. Your feelings are justified, but there's really nothing you can do, so try to be excited about the awesome people who WILL be there on your big day! It's totally ok to have uneven numbers, so don't just ask someone to even out the bridal party, unless there's someone else you genuinely want to be up there with you. Best of luck!

My brother and his wife are traveling from Puerto Rico to Arizona with their 6 month old for our wedding. That's a 3 hour flight to Atlanta, usually a 3-4 hour layover, then onto another plane for an additional 5ish hours. Sounds like a lame excuse to me.

It's possible that she's just really stressed and over-exhausted by having a 2 month old. She is in the thick of sleep deprivation and might not see the light at the end of the tunnel. I would give her a few weeks and then call her and see how things are going. In a non-confrontational manner, explain how much she means to you and how much you would like her to be there. I suspect that she's just had a rough few months and she might change her mind. Help her figure out a way to make it work. Maybe baby could stay with dad and she just flys out for 2 days.

Sure, you can be bummed out about this, but don't hold it against her. Although Amanda, the OP, didn't do this (that I know of), the decline scenario is one of the reasons I'm not a fan of the idea of paying the tab for a dinner in which the bride invites all of her generally local, potential BMs and MOH so that she can hand each of them a homemade "proposal box" with the "He proposed, now I'm proposing" poem, a ring pop, a letter telling the lady how much she means to the bride, and a tiny bottle of whatever. It puts intense peer pressure on each lady to accept the invitation on the spot despite the fact that she knows she probably can't honor the commitment (and what does the bride do if the MOH privately declines the next day? Does she go back to the pool of BMs and promote someone?).

I would suggest that every bride ask each girl independently -- in person, if possible. If that's not possible, then a phone call is perfectly acceptable. If you drive 2.5 hours to ask a woman to be a BM, you will be seriously disappointed if she declines. If you ask her on the phone, you'll still be disappointed, but at least you won't keep hearing the "a five hour round trip to be turned down?" refrain in your head.

This isn't the first time we've heard this on WW. A bride asks a friend to be her BM. The bride naturally expects the friend to accept this honor (and it is an honor) because the bride was a BM in the friend's wedding last year. The difference is that the friend's life has gone on after marriage. She now has a child (or maybe she's become a step-mother), and she isn't as free to travel as she used to be. She doesn't have the discretionary income she used to have (babies are expensive). The important thing to remember is that this isn't about turning down a bridal party invitation because she doesn't care or doesn't see it as an honor. She's turning it down because she doesn't believe she can fulfill the obligations of the role. Honestly, you'd rather know that now.

It's perfectly acceptable to feel disappointed and a little hurt. However, don't let it fester into something it's not. Who knows, in three or four years you might be in exactly the same situation.

I think it's best that your friend was honest with you; being disappointed is fine but I'm sure it's better this way then her say yes and end up not being able to fulfill her commitment last minute. Nothing wrong with uneven numbers!

I think it's best that your friend was honest with you; being disappointed is fine but I'm sure it's better this way then her say yes and end up not being able to fulfill her commitment last minute. Nothing wrong with uneven numbers!

Unfortunately, just because you went all out for her does not obligate her to do the same for you. If she does not want to travel with a 10 month old, that's her choice. Being the mother of 15 month old twins, you couldn't get me to go more than an hour away from home (train, plane, boat or car) with them. Infants and toddlers are very unpredictable from one minute to the next.

Fifteen month old twins? KitandKaboodle, you have your hands full. If you were my best friend, I'd ask you to be my MOH because that would be my heartfelt desire, but there's no way I would hold it against you if you couldn't fulfill the obligation. Your life is full of obligations, and one more might just might tip the scales, and that's something I wouldn't want for my best friend (and a loud amen on the unpredictable comment).

My cousin just flew her 6 month old baby with her all the way across the world to Africa. Seems like an excuse. I'd be sad and disappointed, but also thankful that she didn't agree just to back out later!

Haven't read anyone else's comments but I would feel hurt as well if it was one of my bf's. What I have learned over the years (30 now) is my friends since middle school we are all growing up and changing. Our relationships with our finances/hubbies/families are now number one. It would be awesome if your friend could come but please understand as a new mom (not that o am) she wants/needs to be there. Her feelings might change and she might attend as a guest but a braidsmaid might be too much pressure. Numbers can uneven for your wedding that's not a big deal at all. All the best to you and hopefully she comes as a guest! Being a new mother is stressful and life changing she is doing what she thinks is best for her baby.