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Beginner September 2018

Bridesmaid rsvp advise

Kinley, on September 7, 2018 at 1:31 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 25

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Hi all! I have a maid of honor that will not RSVP. I’m having sort of a destination wedding, it’s 7 hours away. She has know about the distance prior to me asking her to be my maid of honor. She assured me that it would me no problem at all. The RSVPs deadline was August 31st. I’ve spoken with her about needing to know if she’ll be there or not and I got “I don’t know what to tell you if I don’t know how I’m going to get there”. She’s 21 and never went and got her drivers license. Her boyfriend (they have been living together for 5 years) doesn’t want yo drive that far. She can’t afford the plan ticket. I let her know I’d give her and extra week to figure things out, but I need an answer today. Well, she’s still giving me an “I don’t know if I’ll be there”. I really just need to know what I’m suppose to say to her without upsetting her to the point of ruining our friendship. Thanks.

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25 Comments

Latest activity by Daria, on September 7, 2018 at 6:51 PM

VIP October 2018
Victoria · on September 7, 2018 at 1:40 PM
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If it were me I'd probably foot the bill for her plane ticket since she's your MOH (and I'd assume best friend). That's probably terrible advice though. Lol.
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Just Said Yes October 2018
alexa · on September 7, 2018 at 1:43 PM
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I would ask if she is comfortable taking an uber or greyhound or flight. Just get straight to the point with her.
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Savvy September 2019
Christen · on September 7, 2018 at 1:53 PM
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This is tough because she is presumably your closest friend. I am also having a destination wedding of sorts.. I recently moved to another state and opted to have our wedding here rather than back home. My bridesmaids to be are in 3 states.. So i get the frustration and concern as ive already spent time in those conversations. But.. If she is truly your best friend it might be time for a heart to heart. I really want you by my side on this special day, but if you cannot commit i can ask someone else to be my moh -and give her the opt out opportunity.. Help her realize how important it is to you.. If you keep getting the same response, she's making the decision for you.
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Expert December 2019
Haaley · on September 7, 2018 at 1:54 PM
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Just tell her that you would appreciate that she took this seriously and made a mature decision as your friend and MOH. I don't know's don't cut it when you are planning a wedding.
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Beginner September 2018
Kinley · on September 7, 2018 at 1:56 PM
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‘This is actually extremely helpful. Thank you. We opted to have our wedding where he is from so his mother can be there. She is sick and cannot travel far.
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Beginner September 2018
Kinley · on September 7, 2018 at 1:59 PM
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As much as I’d like to say something like this, I feel like she would take it the wrong way.
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Master August 2018
Nemo · on September 7, 2018 at 2:14 PM
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You are getting married in three weeks. Do not replace her. That is disrespectful to her and to the person you would ask to replace her. Friends are not just disposable.
Is there nobody she can ride with? Can you pay for part of her plane ticket?
If she isn't able to be there, just have uneven sides.
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Super May 2019
c · on September 7, 2018 at 2:16 PM
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Definitely don’t replace her. I would offer to pay for her plane ticket or something. Is her bf not coming either?
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Super October 2018
Cassandra · on September 7, 2018 at 2:23 PM
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I think a bus is a good idea! You can offer to pay or pay half of the bill for it.
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Beginner September 2018
Kinley · on September 7, 2018 at 2:26 PM
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Love, my house burned down a few months ago and money is tight. No, I can’t pay for her plane ticket. She has known the date and place of the wedding for 10 months. Sides are already uneven as my friends and family are traveling much farther than his, therefore I have a smaller turn out than him. It’s just her and another dear friend. No one is saying friends are disposable. Anyways, the point of this post is for advise to get a solid answer from her. I’m sorry you must have misunderstood my question.
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Champion December 2017
earias · on September 7, 2018 at 2:26 PM
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Agree with this. If I had a MOH who I knew couldn't drive then I would have been saving up money for her plane ticket and helping her with transportation if I really wanted her there, especially since you're getting married 7 hours away from her. I'm afraid as it currently is this is a no-win situation for both of you and this could be the turning point of your friendship ending.
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Beginner September 2018
Kinley · on September 7, 2018 at 2:28 PM
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Her boyfriend RSVPed that he is not coming because he doesn’t want to drive that distance. From their home it’s about a 6.5 hour drive. Honestly, I think she doesn’t want to come without her boyfriend and is afraid to tell me that.
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Master August 2018
Nemo · on September 7, 2018 at 2:28 PM
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I don't think you are going to get a solid answer from her because she most likely isn't coming and doesn't want to hurt your feelings or upset you. Obviously you will be upset anyway, like the vast majority of people in your situation would. I think you should just assume she isn't coming and plan for that.
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Master April 2017
Anne · on September 7, 2018 at 2:29 PM
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Can she take a greyhound or similar bus type of transportation? How much is the flight? I would probably buy her a flight if it were me but that all depends on your budget.
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Beginner September 2018
Kinley · on September 7, 2018 at 2:29 PM
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I’ve offered the bus thing and she said they are dirty.
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Beginner September 2018
Kinley · on September 7, 2018 at 2:32 PM
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Sorry, if I can’t afford to fly, then I can’t afford for her to fly. She has never flown before anyways, I’m pretty sure she’s afraid to.
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Champion December 2017
earias · on September 7, 2018 at 2:39 PM
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Then you have your answer. She is not coming. She was probably very excited to be your MOH which is why she probably said she would figure out how to get to your wedding but then didn't really go about it and was too scared to tell you. Some people have "wishful thinking" - they think that because they say they are going to do something it will just happen without actually putting a plan into action.
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Beginner September 2018
Kinley · on September 7, 2018 at 2:44 PM
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Right, but how do I go about settling this with her? I can’t just say “ that’s it! You’re not coming!” I need to let her know that I know she can’t make it. That it’s okay and I’m not upset with her.
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Champion December 2017
earias · on September 7, 2018 at 2:47 PM
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What you said at the end is perfect. Let her know how much you love her and that you understand her situation makes it impossible for her to be there at your wedding. Let her know you are not upset with her and that after the wedding you can't wait to see her to share all the fun details and look at pictures, etc.
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