Bridesmaid Responsibilities

Good post following. I am not asking my girls to help me with anything although they have asked. I dont expect anything from them but spending that day with me and keeping me sane lol.

I think a toast and holding a bouquet are definitely fine to ask and expected. If you have friends who are local they might offer to look at dresses with you or come to a venue, but there's no set "role" for a bridesmaid, it's more about what they are able to do.

Mine have been great especially with dress shopping and providing advice on shoes, etc. A couple of them came with me and FH to our tasting which was fun for all. And they planned an amazing shower and bachelorette for me. But none of these things were their "duties" - they offered as many would do.

The point of having bridesmaids is to honor your nearest and dearest. Not for them to honor you. By asking them to stand next to you, you are saying you guys mean the world to me. If they want to be more involved than great but don't put pressure on them to do things.

I don't think it's rude to ASK for these things..I think it's rude to EXPECT it and get angry if they can't/don't want to.

The posts where people say that about buying a dress and showing up are usually in response to girls who are upset/angry that their girls won't devote themselves to DIY-ing their entire wedding or helping out.

Please don't make your BM's make a toast. Some BM's are not comfortable public speaking. I'm not requiring either of my BM's to make a toast because neither of them are hugely comfortable speaking in front of people.

At the very least, I think you should a assume they'll be responsible for a few things, as long as you talk to them about it beforehand and make sure you're on the same page. Let's face it, you're not going to be able to button/zip/corset the back of your dress on your own (and if you can, my hat goes off to you!!), nor can you do your own bustle if you have one.

My MOH was a HUGE help to me in all of this: she came to a fitting to learn how to bustle the dress; she offered to help with the invitations; she figured out a quick and painless way to deal with the abundance of buttons on my dress (a small crotchet hook works wonders!) However, I wouldn't have asked her to do something she was uncomfortable with, or that involved spending an uncomfortable amount of time, energy or money. I think that's where the backlash about "BM duties" comes from, generally speaking.

There is no point, IMHO. It's not rude to ask them, but every person is going to have a different level of enthusiasm for tasks.....

I honestly wish we'd get to a point in social evolution where the whole bridal party thing would go away. It's expensive for you, it's expensive for them, and honestly, most of the "I have problems" posts here involve bridal parties.

In theory, everyone you invite to the wedding is an honored guest. By doing away with the extra layer of perceived 'honor' , you save yourself a lot of aggrevation, money and conversation.

Celia - always the voice of reason. You should have a book. For real. Too late for me, but I agree with you. No problems on my end, but it is a bit archaic and especially as you get older, not as fun to be part of a bridal party.

I think that if your bridesmaids offer to do something - you can take them up on it, but we get into trouble on here with brides who complain that their BMs refuse to help them plan the whole wedding or refuse to throw them a shower or something equally bratty.

Mrs. K, is spot on! For example, my BMs have offered to help me address my STDs (I have a ton of OOT). I am making it a wine and movie night. But if they decide they cant make it for whatever reason I wouldnt at all be upset.

I don't think it is rude to merely ask if they have an opinion, but a lot of times people feel obligated o pretend they're really into your wedding when they aren't, and shouldn't be. I agree with Celia in not seeing a point in asking their opinions outside of what dress they all want to buy. It ends up creating conflict/tension when someone actually has an opinion that you do not agree with.

I think the issue of "duties" is in reference to when brides expect their BP to go gown shopping, help with DIY, do food tastings, etc. Things that the bride should be capable of handling with her FS. If they offer the help or say they'll help you when you ask, then great. But as others have said, don't get mad if they decline.

Holding the bouquet at the altar and helping the bride into her dress are smaller tasks and I don't think they fall into the same category as the other pre-wedding day tasks.

Traditionally the role of MOH and BM's has been more than just buying a dress and showing up. It's only in recent years that buying a dress and showing up is considered their only duty. However, brides should not expect, demand, reward or punish their BP for what they do or don't do. You ask them because you wan't them next to you on your day.

Just popping in to say that if @Celia wrote a book I'd pre-order it.

I don't think it's rude to ask if they want to give a toast or help with some of the planning. My MOH offered to visit some venues with me and dress shop. The rest of the bridal party lives out of state, but if they were closer, I would ask if they wanted to join us when we go shopping. But, I would not expect that they do any extras or be upset if you ask and they are not able to.

I was also curious about the same thing. I've only been a bridesmaid once and all I was asked to do was go to David's bridal to look for the bridesmaid dress and attend the bachelorette party. I was honestly hoping that I could have been more helpful to the bride, but I think stuff like looking at venues and stuff is fun.

I think it's safe to invite people to do things, so long as there's no pressure. All of my bridesmaids are pretty excited, plus two of them are also engaged so we talk a lot of wedding in general, so they seem to want to be involved. When I showed my maid of honor the shoes I was interested in she was like, "Don't buy them! Let me try to make them for you!" So yea, I mean it depends on your bridal party.

These forums can be a little cynical sometimes - yea, you don't want to be strong-arming anyone into completing tasks for you (who does that, honestly?). But I think it's okay to want to involve people if they're interested in having more involvement.

I know this is an unpopular opinion on here, but I can't imagine accepting when a friend asks me to be bridesmaid and then wanting nothing to do with supporting her and helping make her wedding special. I feel like what's the point of being a bridesmaid, and I might as well have just been a guest if all I was going to do is buy a dress and show up for the wedding. In my experience being a bridesmaid for my friends and family members, I've helped out with DIY projects and stuffing envelopes, been part of the process of selecting bridal party attire, gone to fittings, attended and helped plan the shower/bachelorette party, and just in general provided support and helped the bride stay relaxed. Especially on the wedding day, I have no problem helping the bride out in any way. I've carried bouquets, helped drop things off at the venue, held up the bride's train while walking outside, grabbed her a drink while we were getting ready, etc. I personally would never be offended if I was asked to do any of this, since as a bridesmaid I would want to help make sure my friend's day is absolutely perfect for her.

@snowangel - I've been in weddings where I've helped the Bride because I've wanted to. I've also been in weddings where I've been conscripted by the bride to do a myriad of things. Guess which one I prefer?

I haven't asked my bridesmaids to do anything. I do just want them there with me. I am kinda compulsive and depend on myself to get things done the way I want. One of my girls offered to help me make the favors though which was so nice.

The problem I have with this recent change to the role of bridesmaids is that the new role is "show up in a dress of my choosing and stand with me" yet everyone on here says "Don't make your bridesmaids props. They are NOT props." But yet they have to wear what you tell them? And stand where you want them? There's just a bit of hypocrisy there.

I think the point of asking these specific women and men to be in your BP is because you know they support you and will be there for you. They should want to help and dress shop with you, and DIY with you because it's spending time together. They should want to offer help or be there when you ask.

No you shouldn't "expect" them to. Schedules and finances sometimes make it difficult. And you shouldn't force things on them because that's not right of any friend to do, wedding or not. But if you can coordinate and everyone's up for it, go do BP stuff and have fun.