Bridesmaid rant aita

I’m surprised you weren’t invited to the bachelorette party to begin with. Do you know why, by any chance?


I don’t think you’re wrong to not switch your date. She’s one person who clearly isn’t as good a friend as you hoped. While I understand that coordinating a bachelorette party can be hard, it’s nowhere near as hard as rescheduling a wedding 5 months out.

View Quoted Comment Who said her bachelorette could be moved? What if for that particular group planning it, that was the only weekend schedules meshed for all between a shower and her rehearsal and wedding? Bachelorettes are not always easy to move. We found one weekend in 12 we proposed that 12 people could come, and even then two had to work the first daytime, came for night, of a local 2 day at the lake.

View Quoted Comment And who said OPs wedding could be moved, again for the 3rd time. Regardless whether its easy or hard OPs bridesmaid implied for her to move her wedding and if I was the friend I would never ask a friend to do that nor suggest that Im the one who should keep my date because a bachelorette is not more important than a wedding. Idk if they reconciled the situation but if I was OP I would keep my date. If i was the bridesmaid I would move my date IF I could. If theres absolutely no way to move it then I would have to tell the bride im sorry I will sadly be missing the wedding.

WOW!


I know sometimes writing things down can help people better understand the situation by rereading what they wrote. With that being said, I would communicate respectfully to her that "while you can understand the dilemma. You would NEVER ask a friend to change their wedding date and you will not be changing it once again to accommodate her bachelorette party and you understand she will not be able to make your wedding given the date conflict."
I would also suggest that you reach out to the people you invited that are also attending to her bachelorette party and say "you understand there is a conflict with both events, but that you would really like it if they came to celebrate on your special day, but that you understand if they are unable to".
I hope you are able to resolve the conflict. Best of luck!

View Quoted Comment Judith,

Just so I am making sure I understand you correctly, are you suggesting that a bachelorette party is more important than a friend's wedding? Because that's what I interpreted from what you said and maybe others have as well.
Given that so many brides have had to change their wedding date due to COVID I would almost expect people be a little more accommodating during these uncertain times.
Everyone has a choice to go or not to go to a wedding/party etc. To ask a bride to change her date for a 3rd time is very disrespectful.

View Quoted Comment So are you going to pay for Maggie's 50% deposit that she likely won't get back because you are suggesting she move her date which costs a whole hellava lot more than a bachelorette party.


Or do you suggest her BM(s) pay for it?
I think you are absolutely unreasonable and I hope that nothing goes wrong for you and your wedding and if things do please remember the advice you provided to people. 😁
Have a blessed day 🙏

View Quoted Comment No, I am not saying that a bachelorette is more important. I am saying, generally, when an event is scheduled on a date ( bachelorette) , one of 4 or 5 dates a bride or party hostesses set, and people accept that invitation, usually it is considered bad form for people to ask the one who set that date first, to change their event. As OP bride wants them to. She sets another date, or she uses the date anyway, knowing there is a conflict. However, she needs to accept that a bunch of people, and their SO, maybe 10-20 people, usually would feel bound to keep the first party they officially accepted. And with a bachelorette, these mutual friends may have planned the Bach date. And these mutual friends may be upset that bride is pushing the other bride to change dates. And may dig their heels in, say agreement on the Bach date took lots of time and effort. And we accepted the invitation date, confirmed it RSVPd. And now are going to do the usual polite thing, and go to the party we already accepted the invitation for ( or planned.). And may think OP bride is rude for pushing it, and boycott all her wedding parties, showers etc, or not give them, because she is putting them in the middle of two friends. Like it or not, OP bride was cancelled out by the virus stuff, on her original date. But now she is rescheduling, if she steps on another party date , mutual friendships may be lost. A hard choice. But I had to reschedule my first wedding, twice. Close enough to call every guest who had rsvp'd, in last week. So I know it is hard. And if it were me, I would rather find other vendors, than step on not only her 1 bridesmaid, but a bunch of mutual college friends, who are jointly planning that bachelorette and confirmed they are attending. This comes up all the time with wedding dates. Two close friends, or within the same family. And when 1 bride has used a date and confirmed things, and another with big overlap goes to use the date, it is always the second one who needs a different date. Or to do the same date and live without a lot of guests. But never do people say, well the first one should change a wedding or party, to accommodate the second person. In rescheduling, OP bride is the second person. I would find a bunch of new vendors ( hard, did some twice) before risking that many close friends thinking badly of me . This OP, can do what she wants. Just be aware, if she uses that date anyway, she may lose that whole group of friends at her wedding, and permanently. It is not that Bach is more important. It is that a group used that date first. And now OP bride has to decide, are these friends and BM VIP enough to consider in her choice of date, or not.

View Quoted Comment VIP enough? Or lose friends. I cannot with this mindset.
Friends are friends and you're thinking so negatively about how these people may react to the bride keeping her date. The only "friend" she MAY lose is the one that actually sounds like she is digging in her heels (pun intended) about how friends won't come to the wedding.

In actuality none of us know if those that were/are supposed to go to the bachelorette party will choose to continue to go or will decide to go to the wedding instead.
I just think your post is on the negative side as if you know this person will lose friends and that is so much easier to give into what others want. ULTIMATELY the wedding is NOT about anyone else except for the bride and groom and if people want to start drama they can leave their butt at home. Period!
Idk about you, but our wedding day is not about accommodating anyone else and true friends know that and understand!

View Quoted Comment To respond, I never asked her to change her date. I was upset she told me to change mine. I already reached out to our mutual friends and stated how I understand they have a dilemma and that *I* would not be Offended if they can’t make my event because I know they’re in a tough spot. I am offended that my friend knew that I had to change EVERY event I had planned in 48 hours and KNEW that I was looking in July or August. She had time to tell me she had these dates booked and she didn’t then expected me to change a date- an event with 100+ people to meet the requirements of one (4 if you count her and my other friends that were invited to her bach party)

View Quoted Comment “ Idk about you, but our wedding day is not about accommodating anyone else and true friends know that and understand!”


^^ THIS 100 times!! Theres a line between nice and overly tooo nice. The other user seems like shes the overly accommodating type as she has explained thats nice of her but thats not logical to most of us. Unless my sister or best friend or closest cousin happened to have the same Wedding Day as mine, there no way im willing to lose half of my money because of ONE person. Especially the person that didn’t invite me to her event.
Good job OP on keeping ur date and reaching out to the 4 ppl. Not a big whoop also not a big deal if ur BM misses ur day. But im sure its the way the situation transpired and the way she interacted with you that made u feel some type of way.

View Quoted Comment Someone above criticized you for not including her as a VIP of your wedding, but you had priorities and your paid vendors and immediate family were the VIPs in this last minute change decision. You did what you had to do and a friend would understand and do everything possible to rearrange plans to be by your side for your wedding. I agree the fact you weren’t even invited to her bach speaks volumes. I don’t think you should stress this at all. Reply to her with “thank you for your input, I’m sorry you won’t be able to be a part of my wedding day”. Unfortunately you’ll have to let your friends decide for themselves what they want to do. Get change of dates out ASAP so everyone knows the change and then let them work this out for themselves. It will show you who is important in your life and who isn’t.
Good luck!

View Quoted Comment I’m sorry but if OP was my friend and I couldn’t change the date of my bach to accommodate this crappy situation she’s been thrust into, I’d cancel my bach to be by my friend’s side. That’s the difference.

View Quoted Comment I completely agree. I would too. I was just giving scenarios for the user who replied to me who suggested the bridesmaid shouldnt change her date.

View Quoted Comment I saw your later post after I responded. It’s crazy that the friend expects OP to change her already rescheduled wedding date.

View Quoted Comment I said each time, it was options. Pick one. You and I clearly would make different choices. But then, I would never have considered putting money down, and actually rescheduling, without talking to every bridesmaid and groomsman, first. Maybe I would have taken a conflicting date, anyway. That happened with the man my husband (2nd marriage) had wanted as Best man. He was at his own wedding 15 miles away, neither the other's Best Man after all. But they consulted each other First. So they showed that consideration, mutually agreed that neither could find another good date due to other weddings in the two groom's and my families 7 siblings and 8 first cousin's weddings that year to work around.And then each booked for the same date.
It may be that if you had consulted her, she would have been more flexible. Or maybe not. When you came to her AFTER rescheduling the date, did it occur to you that maybe she was very hurt you did not consult her because she was your bridesmaid? Which made her feel put down as not very important to you? And, less willing to reschedule herself, for that reason? In your various posts you make it clear that you really are not much upset if she does miss your wedding, It is the other friends not in your wedding party whose opinion you care about ( worried they will think you are poaching if you keep the same date), not hers, you make it clear. And that is why I felt, you care enough about them to want them to think we'll of you. And made it clear to us, and to the other Bride-to- be (your BM, ) you won't really miss her. You were offended she would imply, you were second to book on the date, you should change. And she was likely offended you did not care enough to bother asking g her before booking a new date. Kind of a stand off there. To me, it is not as important to have everything I want, as it is to come out of something like a wedding with all friendships intact. Especially someone important enough to me to ask her to be in my wedding. You obviously don't feel that way about this friend. And like you wondering if others will see you as poaching her date ( their date too, they are planning this bachelorette and committed to attend), I hope you choose a solution that keeps all your pre-wedding friendships intact. Yes, they may lose respect for you the way you have dealt with it. Not considering their other friend the bride who was your BM important enough to consult does put them in the middle and most people don't like that. Which ever you choose, change date or keep it, nurture your friendships as you go along. Weddings are not the be all, end all that a lot of people make them out to be. Real life, what happens after the wedding, matters.

I'm with you on this one. I understand she has a weekend planned but shifting a bachelorette party is way easier than shifting a wedding, and a wedding is more important than a bachelorette weekend. I hope it works out for you.

(Our best man was complaining that he spent a bunch of money on my FH's bachelor party weekend and it had to be canceled/postponed. The lodging was through AirBnB so he's able to get a full refund, not sure about any events/activities planned. My FH specifically told him not to go crazy or make it a big deal, and our state is under stay-at-home orders anyway so all the events the BM would have planned would need to be canceled anyway. He's most likely literally out nothing. Now he wants to reschedule and has been suggesting dates and we haven't even figured out what is happening with our actual wedding yet. It's infuriating. Some people just don't get it.)

View Quoted Comment The only other date available was the date my FH’s parents are out of the country for. I am sorry but to me it sounds like you’re implying that one friend should be held above family and that one friend’s conflicting date should be reason enough to reschedule everything and lose thousands of dollars over. I did not speak with non family before choosing the date this time because- as you’ve pointed out- if there is something conflicting I will not be offended if you choose that. I am not offended that my BM has chosen to keep her bach party date. I am offended that she told me to change my date again thus HER implying that her bach party was more important than my wedding. I am saying that it sucks that this happened but I am not mad at her for not changing her date, I am upset that she asked me to do so. I am also upset that only one of our college friends is in her bridal party but all except for me were invited to her bach party. If I had been invited or even informed of it beforehand, I would have tried harder to get a different date before booking this one.

You're not the asshole. you've sacrificed so much already with needing to postpone. Rescheduling and accommodating all of your vendors is hard and it's great you found a date that works for them and your families. Wedding trumps bach party so I say go ahead with that date. This might sound harsh....but you'll see who your true friends are if they choose her bach over your wedding.