Bridesmaid rant aita

Super tough situation, I think a wedding is a little more important than a bachelorette party... Unless they are flying somewhere it seems a little unreasonable for her to tell you to move it. Maybe talk to a friend who is friends with both of you, or involved in both events and try to ask her for advice on how to handle it. Honestly she must think a lot of these people if she thinks they will go to bachelorette party over a wedding.. I could never.

I guess I can understand being annoyed that a bridesmaid won't be available on your new wedding date. But since you chose the date without checking with all your VIPs first (including your bridal party), I don't understand being angry and wanting to end a friendship over it.

Oh no her bachelorette can be moved a week up or a week later. If you to plan your wedding on the same day that would be a completely different issue. If you keep your date will all of your bridesmaids be out or just her?
If it was just her that you would do this as a bridesmaid I would keep your day, tell her that it’s unfortunate your events are on the same day and have your wedding. Not fair to u to get everything cancelled and finally get a date and have to change it again.

I am assuming she hasn't ever tried to find a DJ before. Yea, they're everywhere. Not all of them are worth the investment and even fewer of them will have a style that matches yours. She must not understand the effort that goes into finding these vendors. Caterer, DJ, florist and baker. 🤷🏽‍♀️
Bachelorette parties TRADITIONALLY (before anybody says she may be paying for or planning her own), are planned by the moh, bridesmaids and mob. So, it's a POSSIBILITY that she may not have control over when it is and she doesn't want to appear not grateful to her support system by asking them to adjust the date.
I would dare to bet, though that given the choice, "all of your friend group" would be at your wedding and either she'd have a smaller party or they'd change her date so everyone could attend both. Simply put, take a breath, talk with the rest of your team (bridal party) and see what your "friends group" really thinks. 🤷🏽‍♀️

The thing that stuck out to me the most in your post is that you weren’t invited to begin with for her bachelorette party (and she’s a bridesmaid). I don’t understand how a supposedly close friend who’s in your wedding can leave you out of her upcoming bachelorette party, uninvited. That in and of itself says a lot (in my opinion)

View Quoted Comment Yeah, from what she said it sounds like it’s just a day thing. And it’s 5 months out! It would be one thing if she said “oh hey, my bachelorette party is that day, I’ll see what I can do but I might not be able to change it” that’s SO much different than her actual text of @that was the only day? Lol well then me and x, y, and z friends won’t be making it”

View Quoted Comment I’m not angry that she can’t come. I’m angry how it was presented to me. That I should change the date AGAIN and lose out on 50% of my original vendors instead of her even checking to see if she can move her thing over literally one day. The way she said it made it sound like my WEDDING that she’s a part of that I have been planning for a year is not important to her at all

View Quoted Comment It’s literally just her but then our friends have to decide between going to her bachelorette or going to my wedding. The thing is too is that I wasn’t even invited to her bachelorette party so how was I supposed to know the date of it? She knew I was changing the date of my wedding and could have said “hey, I have a thing on this date” but the other thing is how she texted me about it, like she didn’t even consider trying to change her date of her bach party to still be able to go to my wedding. I had to change the date of my bach party 3 days before it happened, my bach party, bridal shower, and original wedding were all cancelled in a 24 hour period and she’s acting like that’s not a big deal and that since I already changed it once I should have no problem doing it again

View Quoted Comment I’m honestly afraid to bring it up to our friend group though because I don’t want to seem like I’m poaching them if that makes sense? And we struggled together for months finding DJs for our separate weddings so she KNOWS how hard that is. I even told her the only other date my venue, dj, photographer, and florist could all do my FH’s parents would be out of the country on.
I just really hate that she asked me to change my date so that she’s not inconvenienced.

View Quoted Comment THANK YOU! I honestly wanted to be petty af and respond with “well, had I been invited like everyone else in our friend group, I would have known this date wasn’t an option but since you decided to leave me out on that it looks like you’re out of my wedding party” but alas, I just didn’t respond. Now I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I should talk to our friend group and see if they can rearrange her bach party or let them know that I won’t be offended if they go to her bach party instead of my wedding (as they already paid for it) if they can’t get the date changed, or remind them how happy I would be to spend my day with them. Or just not even get into it and see what they decide.
I don’t know if I should contact this bm when I’m less upset and explain why I’m upset or just let it go and keep going the way it is

I'm shocked that you aren't even invited to your bridesmaids bach party... At this point, I'd tell your bm's, express that you'd love for them to attend your wedding but understand if they are not able to now, and let it go.

View Quoted Comment Lol dont be petty in your response. I was going to ask a question about ur BMs bach party butt u weren’t invited so how would u know lol. I was gona say is her party at night or is it an all day thing. And depending on location your group of friends can still attend both.


Is this your only group of friends? Will u be okay if most of them dont come to the wedding. If i were u I would keep moving forward. Those that support you and love u will be there for u. Maybe someone in ur group will bring it up to your BM like ummm maybe u should reconsider the date of ur bach party.

View Quoted Comment

This is the only mature response. As satisfying as a petty response like you contemplated would be, I would just respond back to her "that date was your best option to avoid losing a lot of money and that while you would love for her to remain in your wedding party, it sounds like she has made her decision and you will respect her choice to not be part of your wedding."

0k, maybe that's still a LITTLE petty of a response, but it's at least polite. I think. Then reach out to the rest of your BM's to let them know the new date, and that you found out after rescheduling that XX's bach party is the same date so you will understand and accept whichever event they choose to attend since XX's has decided to keep her bach date. As to being afraid to seem like you're "poaching" your BM's from her event to yours, well, they are part of your wedding party and it is 100% reasonable for you to advise them of the new circumstances so they can make their own decisions.

If they all choose to not attend your wedding, then maybe re-evaluate who your friends really are and find a few new BMs.

View Quoted Comment Yeah, I explained to her that this was the only option before Autumn (she knows I don’t want a fall wedding) and it just kinda flatlined with the gist of it being that she won’t be able to make it. She’s not friends with my other BMs, it’s just that now our college group will have to choose between her bach party that they already paid for and my wedding which sucks

View Quoted Comment You're not poaching, you had planned your wedding and had to postpone. Take a deep breath, invite everyone to the new date and be as understanding as possible if people say they can't make it. Unfortunately, your bridesmaid wasn't being a very good friend to you.
I hope everything goes better for you from here.

View Quoted Comment 100% This.

View Quoted Comment Thank you for your input! I’ve calmed down a bit since this original post. Looking back into my friendship with this bm I noticed this is actually a pattern. I don’t think she realizes what she did really hurt me. I’m going to give it another week or so and then talk to her, see if she still wants to be a part of the other BM events (bridal shower and bach party) but I am not expecting a yes of her and I won’t be disappointed by her anymore. I think this experience has helped me see some things she needs to work on as well as some things I need to work on. I need to work on expressing when friends hurt me and standing my ground in a proper and non petty way. I’m going to speak to the friends of this group and express that I understand they’re in a predicament and while o would love for them to come to my wedding I understand if they want to attend our friend’s bach party instead

View Quoted Comment If they know that, they can 1) try to change her Bach party to another date 2) try to make both events 3) pick which one for themselves that they want to attend.
If you say nothing, they won't know until after the fact with the possibility of even more hurt feelings. Spread the hurt or contain it, those are your real options. 🤷🏽‍♀️

View Quoted Comment You're welcome. Glad to hear it! That sounds like growth to me! I sincerely hope you do!!
All of the best!

Always tough. But she may have had a hard time scheduling that bachelorette party date, and getting an assigned shower date from shower hostess ( or more than one shower date.) And her own wedding date. And one or more dates to meet with clergy or an officiant. All of which meant coordination of many schedules. And if some people work one or more weekend days, or evening shift not days, it may have been super difficult. Now she has all those dates. And, whicle having to reschedule is not your fault, now everyone canceling from March to July is saying my wedding is more important than your event, showers, Bach, officiant MTG or rehearsal, rehearsal dinner which may be up to a month before her wedding. She or other friends may have multiple spring and summer weddings they were going to attend, all those families. The traditional accepted etiquette is that once someone has set a date for a major one time( in years) event, be it a shower, Bach, reunion, anniversary, wedding, baptism, Summer Ball or fundraiser, 65th birthday, Christmas party, whatever, all others can either schedule around it, or schedule on that day knowing that all who already committed to the other event may choose to go to the first scheduled event. She may be seeing losing guests, or even party hosts and hostesses, every time someone says, well reschedule for me. So I can have the date. If your other bridesmaids or friends agreed on and helped set this bachelorette date, they feel they accepted an invitation. And they may decline yours. Perfectly proper. You can either risk that 10-20 of your friends and SO miss your wedding. Or go for a couple of different vendors. I would choose my friends, and not disrupt another bride's schedule to reschedule my own previously cancelled events. I put friendship over any vendor. There are lots of excellent band leaders or DJ's out there, and weddings go on without either. Just the effort of putting together other music. Choose: services from particular vendors only, or friends. ( As for you getting upset that a party with limited numbers did not include you, getting past that is something most people learn in grade school, or by mid teens at the latest. In fact , if others including your BM think part of your reason for not being flexible is that you are in a snit over not being invited, that alone might be enough to make them choose the bachelorette, over a bride who might do that.). Cut your losses, find a better date. You have lots of time to see new vendors.Or get married in fall or winter, not your first choice. We had to reschedule my first wedding twice, things completely out of out control. So I know it is hard. But I also learned, what is standard etiquette, that is, what most people find acceptable behavior. And learned how much better friends and family are , how much more helpful and supportive, when you don't mess with their already scheduled events, and put everyone in a no-win situation. I had a bride who rescheduled at 5 months out, and asked all of us MOH and BM to dinner. And literally was hysterical in the restaurant when the new dates she had put deposits down on, before asking, did not work. All 5 said, choose that new date we all said no to, do the wedding without me. And she foolishly though various of us would put her before taking law boards, a brother or sister's wedding, another bride and close friend, or professional licensing exams. 4 of us had 2 things back to back days that we would have to miss. 5th was having induced labor. The bride was sure we would put off licencing exams til next time, have the baby two weeks early, it miss siblings weddings. No one would. We all missed the wedding. She had 1 SIL she had never met except at Thanksgiving a year before, pinch hit.
Long post. But think long and hard before choosing any vendor over real friends. They might be upset enough to say no to your wedding, and drop shower and Bach attendance too. Because they decide they don't like your values. You don't put friendship first, why should they put you first, may be their thinking.