Bridesmaid Problem

So, I guess what I'm asking is....what is a nice why of asking her if she still wants to be a part of the wedding? I don't want to come off too strong but it does hurt my feelings that she has always been a part of my life and now that something important is happening in mine, she doesn't seem interested anymore. We have never been the "talk every day" type of friends but we do have a strong friendship. I know I have enough time to ask someone else and things may change between her and I but I can't overlook what's clearly happening. **I'm looking for nice yet honest advice, please be nice...my feelings have been on edge with different things going on in my life at the moment**

There isn't a nice way. Let it go. She doesn't need to participate in these activities. Honestly the "spa night" sounds like a Mary Kay party and I would refuse to attend that as well. Not attending these things doesn't mean she doesn't care/want to be a BM but...It's 15 months away. None of these things are necessary. Including dress shopping. Chill out, revisit dress shopping in, like, 8 months.

Do you think it's the cost that she's wary of? That seems like an expensive weekend. Be honest and ask her what's going on. Make sure she knows that backing out now would not ruin your friendship. Or maybe you're just nervous and she really just wasn't available. Maybe she had plans with other friends and was afraid to tell you?

I can say that for a few years of my life I let work consume me and wouldn't have taken a day off to go dress shopping with a friend. I actually missed a funeral I should have been at, and while it is one of my biggest regrets in life, I wasn't thinking that way at the time. She might honestly not realize how important all that was to you. It's hard to get excited for other people's weddings sometimes.

It's been three weeks. Give it time. And check your expectations, she isn't obligated to do any of the stuff you talked about.

She could very well be having issues of her own that are making her skittish about participating. She could also be the type who isn't interested in going dress shopping with you. She could also be legitimately be having issues with her car and job.

You could start by asking how she's doing. "I'm so sorry. I feel like I've been wrapped up in wedding everything lately. How are you doing? How is the car? I saw online that it's functional again. That must be such a relief. "

The spa night is a scam. Everyone that signs up "wins". It's just an excuse to try and sell you stuff. Also she's not required to attend any events besides the wedding. Chill for a bit this doesn't mean she doesn't want to be in your wedding.

Your wedding is not for a long time and the truth is no one is going to be as excited as you. Since your wedding is not for a while, I would give it a break and revisit the topic later. She may not be thinking that doing things are important because its so far out. While you as the bride are doing lots of planning related things, it can be a bit much for someone to be committed to all these events and activities over a year out. She will probably become more interested as you get closer.

If anything she will just feel left out, and it falls on her. Keep inviting her and doing what you're doing. That's how my step sisters are. They all complain if I don't include them, yet when I do they make excuses not to come.

Seriously!? You asked her just 3 weeks ago and now you are already searching for ways to get rid of her when your wedding is not for a year and 3 months.

The spa party is a scam, I wouldn't go to that either. Your BMs don't need to go to parties to get to know each other. And if she has to work that's not an "excuse". That is a responsibility.

I suggest your re-evaluate your expectations or the next year will be painful for you and your bridesmaids. They don't HAVE to participate in every, single thing.

I don't think the OP has unreasonable "expectations". It doesn't sound like she's demanding her bridesmaids to do crazy things. She's just wondering why her friend is avoiding her. Especially because she caught her in a lie.

Have an honest conversation with your friend. I'm sure there is a good reason. And remember that no one will ever be as excited about wedding events as the people getting married.

Why are you going dress shopping so early. And ditto to PP. spa day is more than likely a scam. I would let it go and give her space.

Spa night isn't a scam, it's a local spa in my area. It's not MaryK either, I turned that down quickly. And noone has to pay for spa night! BM dresses will cost no more than $50 which everyone agreed on that budget.

And technically I didn't ask 3 weeks ago, it was already given she would be part of my bridal party whenever I got married...like I said before, we've been friends for years, it's not the first time we've discussed it. And she didn't have plans for these dates, a mutual friend works with her and stated she wasn't at work but one of those days, I was in her area when I seen her pass by in her "not working" car. When I asked about it...I got another excuse. I understand it's a long ways off, that's why I stated that in the OP...my bridal party was chosen because it's mine and FH family...nothing there will change. I never stated I wanted to "rid" of her, I want to know what's going on...that's all. She was fine until events started coming up that I would like her to be there for..I'm not REQUIRING anything! I thought it would be nice for her to spend time with everyone since she doesn't get to do much.

Erica, thank you! That's exactly what this post is about, I've caught her in a lie which has never happened before and she's been distance.

I agree with Erica

I would go out for lunch and just catch up with her. Make sure your first priorety is you freindship & not the wedding

Yes you shouldnt expect her to move heaven & earth to go dress shopping or a spa trip, but if someone was to lie to me I would feel hurt that they couldnt tell me the truth.

SydsMom I'm going dress shopping early because the dress shop I'm going to is having a closeout sale. I would like to be there to see the dresses (designer dresses) before they close. I've had my eye on Allure Bridal 8950 for awhile, it just so happens they have this dress in their store and will be selling it cheap! I don't see anything wrong with getting my feet wet and trying on some dresses.

If she's honestly that close, then straight up ask her. I did that to mine. She helped my fiancée propose and of course did the whole you're so my bridesmaids thing, even MOH....for six months after never heard a word. So I straight up asked her if she wanted to be a part of it. I told her my reasons. She didn't even realize I had started planning and that it was bugging me. Long story short, we talk way more about wedding stuff now. Just tell her how you feel, you are super close friends after all.

Beka, thank you!

You think she lost interest in 3 weeks? Just to talk to her. Maybe she doesn't like the other ladies in your bridal party or maybe she feels pressure from you to attend these events when she has other things she'd rather do but she doesn't want to hurt your feelings, who knows. This is also why folks on this forum suggest waiting to select your bridal party. Sometimes our friendships change after we get engaged/married. Also, as others have said, her job is not to attend all the various outings and events you plan, it's to show up the day of. She has her own life and it doesn't suddenly revolve around you now that she's in your bridal party.

I think it's hard to remember that bridesmaids are not like they appear in the movies. I never asked anything of my bridesmaids. I let them know when I would be going to look for BM dresses. I didn't have any get togethers besides my bachelorette party.

Over a year in advance, I was SO excited, but I didn't feel like my BM were. I knew I was being silly. I never said anything to anyone, but I did feel that way. I wanted them to be excited, but I got over that she realized that it's my wedding and no one will be as excited as you. Lives keep moving while yours revolves around the wedding.

I will say that about the 2-3 month mark, I felt more excitement from everyone in my life. For others, it's like not even on their radar until it is time.

Don't ask her if she still wants to be in it. You still have time for dresses, etc. She doesn't need to be there for every event. Just breathe and relax! You don't want to feel this anxious your entire planning process.

Maybe she's really just busy. Honestly, these aren't things that she has to do, so if you're worried about your friendship just keep it about that. Don't talk about wedding stuff with her unless she brings it up.