Bridesmaid nightmare - nightmare mil & Sils

1. Do we try to mend the relationship and try to repair the relationship enough to be encourage them to be apart of the wedding. I think so if you want peace but it is a two way street. If they won't change, nothing you can do.

2. Do we ask my close friends that would have been in the wedding had we not felt obligated to included his sisters? Explain the situation (they know the family dynamics pretty well) Ask them what? If they want to be in the bridal party???

3. Or do you we just have two less bridesmaids and my fiance sticks with his 6 groomsmen and my 4? I would two less. Sounds to me you did not want them anyways so why beg them. If you make peace with his family and that is what you two agree to then fine. Do not ask random people to fill their shoes just because they backed out. They could feel like second choice.

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1. Do we try to mend the relationship and try to repair the relationship enough to be encourage them to be apart of the wedding. I think so if you want peace but it is a two way street. If they won't change, nothing you can do. Right - but somethings are beyond repair that they have done to us - so I feel like our wedding is our day and at the end of the day i do know if i want to have the drama that comes along with mending and including them.

2. Do we ask my close friends that would have been in the wedding had we not felt obligated to included his sisters? Explain the situation (they know the family dynamics pretty well) Ask them what? If they want to be in the bridal party??? See this is where i struggle - because these people would have been MY choices had i not felt the need to make sure my fiance could include his family.

the thing is these people aren't random people - they are people that i would have chose to be in the wedding had we not felt like we needed to please my SO's family. These are my dear friends who know the dynamics of my SO's family and thats WHY i struggle.

Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like you should've included them to begin with. This is why it is recommended that you pick those actually the closest to you rather than someone you just feel obligated to include. I wouldn't replace them as bridesmaids as I'm afraid that would make matters worse.

View Quoted Comment See and I have thought that too - but ultimately they decided to back out so why should I not have the people that I actually would have had, had we not tried to include them. There were comments said prior that if we didn’t include them we would never live it down. If I’m paying 30k for my wedding I feel like I should be able to have the people important to me. Not guilt tripped.

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Ahhhh ok. Truthfully here is my thing. It sounds like they were trying to get invited into other peoples weddings (did I understand that correctly??) and into their pre wedding events. I will say it would have been best you two stay out of that. Now were they trying to invite their extra guests to your wedding? I am wondering if I misunderstood the first part.

I am a firm believer that family is not blood. I have blood family I won't talk to and barely acknowledge because I have non blood family and friends who have been more like family to me. I feel like you answered your question. You do not need to mend fences with them. I think there is a reason your fiance chooses not to associate with them much. You two can make peace so they can attend the wedding but honestly honey if your heart is not in it, don't kiss no one's butt IMO. If they are acting a certain way they may not change.

About the bridal party...I feel you still could have had these ladies even with the sister in laws...I will say you have a year out so I am assuming you have not bought dresses correct? If you do ask some friends you would have invited I would explain the situation and then ask them would they be willing to be apart of the bridal party. Nothing wrong with that. On the other hand, if you make peace with his family what if they expect to be apart of the bridal party again?

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No it was other peoples weddings, but my fiances best friends who have expressed to others that other people were not welcome. So we took it upon ourselves to ENSURE that his family knew that it was not right to make that scene. Honestly - it gives us a horrible look. and MAN am i embarrassed. If it was a random fine, but it was people who are SO close to us that we can't afford to loose a friendship over.

There are a lot of reasons - and some of them are reasons that we will never see eye to eye on. His family is light years of difference to my fiance. Sometimes I feel like there is no way he was apart of that family because they are night and day difference. and i SO thank you for not telling me to kiss peoples butt, because i have the HARDEST time doing that.

I just hate looking back thinking that i tried to please the family that doesn't even make me feel like i am apart of their family so my SO wouldn't have to deal with that his whole life. but at the end of the day it killed me then to not have them in it - and it kills me even more now knowing that i tried to do the right thing and got burned and now i have to suffer and be in this spot. yaknow?

I’d leave it as two less and move on. Less planning for you in the long run.

It sounds like not having them in your wedding is a huge blessing, especially by their decision. I wouldn't ask anyone to replace them. Just keep who you have now.

View Quoted Comment So basically who cares that I felt obligated to include them and now that they made the choice to remove themselves that I can’t have the people that should have been their from the very beginning had we not tried to do the right thing?

View Quoted Comment I think overall it is for both of us, I just feel screwed out of having my special day not how I originally wanted it...as I was trying to do the right thing for my fiancé. But truthfully - had I had it my way they would have been. I’m fine keeping what I have, but just feel like my friends should have had those spots AND ITS KILLING ME

Leave it to family to make something happy stressful! It sounds like your FH was right in distancing himself from them. It was nice of you to go out of your way to include them, but you shouldn’t feel obligated to do anything for anyone on your wedding day. It’s your wedding day. Do you really want to be getting ready with them knowing all the dreams and stress they are likely to cause?
I would apologize for the way you and FH handled things, because you admitted here that you could have handled it better, tell them that you agree with their decision not to be part of the wedding party due to the circumstances, and leave it at that. You still have plenty of time, and while it may cause more drama, I would invite the people I wanted to be in my wedding party anyways. If FH’s family comments about it, I would tell them you don’t want to discuss it. In fact, I would adopt a “we are not interested in discussing the details of our wedding” attitude with his family going forward unites they decide to behave better. Your FILs cornering your a FH without you is a battle he has to fight, but as long as you and your FH are in the same page about how to handle things going forward I wouldn’t stress about it.

View Quoted Comment I’m just saying what I would do. If you feel some type away about the situation, trust your gut and do what makes you happy.

I think with the history of the family it may be best to not include them in the wedding because that would cause you so much unnecessary stress and it seems like there's no intention to adjust their actions for any issues. Inviting your friends to be bridesmaids is the tricky part because you don't want them to feel like an after thought. I think if you want to add them I'd disclose the situation to them and let them make the choice if they want to be bridesmaids or not.

View Quoted Comment JESSICA! thank you. Thank you.


I feel like this very thing is everything I relate to. It’s MY day and my fiancé’s day and yeah me made a massive mistake including them in our day to begin with - I was trying to do the right thing.
Now - feeling the way I do. Why would I not take the time to include the important people and move on?

View Quoted Comment Yes - I know it might be tricky and I am willing to tackle that battle. My fiancé and I have discussed that it Something that both him and I would like to discuss with my friends. Our friends are very aware of the family dynamics we have dealt with so I feel like luckily my girls would be very understanding of the the situation we are now in

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Ahhhh okay. Yeah that is rude they tried to invite more people to someone else's wedding. That is odd.

I feel you can now feel at peace because you tried to include them and make them part of the family but they do not know how to act. You should know you made the effort and they did not. I personally would not allow them back into the bridal party. Talk things over with your fiance as it is his feelings that matter most. If he is okay with them not being involved then that is what matters.

My FH is not close to his immediate family and did not even care to tell them we are having a small minimony with no close family apart from my big bro because I am close to him and he agreed to him being there. His family has always been nice to me so I at least wanted to courtesy of letting them know to not hurt them and them finding out by surprise but he has no interest in zooming them in or them coming so that is fine with me. I wanted my best friend and big bro there and he was fine with that. I guess my point is if your FH is cool with them not being involved then I would not stress further about their involvement esp if they never made you feel part of the family. I am quick to cut out toxic peeps real quick though because I am too grown for that ha ha.

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I understand! But I promise, you'll be so much happier not having them there. And you tried to do the right thing and include them, but they don't want that. I understand wanting to ask your friends. I think if I was asked later (knowing other BMs were asked earlier), I'd be offended like I was a B list friend. We had uneven wedding parties for that reason, we didn't want to leave out people just because we thought we needed an even number.

1. It sounds like there's nothing to repair, because there was little to no relationship from even before you arrived on the scene. It's your future spouse's call if he wants to try to build a relationship going forward, but I would stop trying to think about it in conjunction to your wedding. The family dynamics are what they are whether you get married or not.

2. I am never in favor of replacing people or adding people to fill roles. You should ask who you are closest to and leave it at that. I realize it's too late for this, but there really is no benefit to adding people this late in the process. Your friends can just enjoy being wedding guests.

3. Even sides don't matter in the slightest.

View Quoted Comment You my friend are wise beyond your years! Thank you for sharing what you did with me. It’s one thing if they the past years trying to include me in the family but their only concerns if my fiancé’s sisters otherwise we basically don’t matter.

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I completely agree with Jessica!

This is YOUR day girl, you deserve to have the way you envisioned it! They already said they didn't want to be apart of it, I'm sure just out of spite but regardless, now is your chance to have the wedding you want and not have to stress about it. You will have plenty of other wedding things to worry and stress over for the next year, I would not add this to your plate. You are early enough in your timeline to switch them out for your close friends and have everything go way smoother. And ultimately I think you would probably be a lot happier with the end result.