C
Just Said Yes November 2020

Bridesmaid more interested in swiping right

Cristina, on September 8, 2020 at 8:10 AM

Posted in Family and Relationships 24

Hello everyone! This is a bit of a rant and I’m so sorry. I’m so torn on how to proceed and I need help. I feel it’s only fair to give a full background. I never thought I would be placed in such an awkward position. My wedding is two months away, and I have a bridesmaid that has done very little to...

Hello everyone! This is a bit of a rant and I’m so sorry. I’m so torn on how to proceed and I need help. I feel it’s only fair to give a full background. I never thought I would be placed in such an awkward position. My wedding is two months away, and I have a bridesmaid that has done very little to actually be a bridesmaid.


Obviously, Covid-19 has completely changed my wedding experience. Personally, I feel this fact may make a bridesmaid MORE active in at least asking me if I needed help with anything. My bridal party is incredibly small because it’s just what I wanted. MOH is my older sister, bridesman (future brother in law), and lastly the person not pulling her weight is a friend who I’ve known for years. I consider her a sister!


My bachelorette to the Dominican Republic was canceled back in July, obviously. I felt incredibly hurt that not one of my bridal party reached out to me with ideas for an alternative party. I finally broke down to my MOH and she finally kicked Into high gear and planned a beautiful socially distanced bachelorette at her house.


I’m a huge planner and had no problems helping make decorations, etc. My bridesman lives in NYC, so I knew he wasn’t able to come down until the day before to help out. We spent the last weekend before the event finishing decorations. I’m not kidding when i say we used my Cricut for 11 hours straight! My bridesmaid didn’t reach out to us until last minute. She didn’t reach out to ask if we needed help, she wanted to tell us about all the hiking she did and the bad date she had that weekend. It was a FaceTime call and she still was totally aloof to our lack of engagement in the convo. I was stunned and hurt, and what’s worse I could tell my sister was too.


So it’s finally the day of the party and I’m up early. My fiancé’s brother came down too and they had a small bachelor party that same day. I planned all of their events and catered their food. Besides the donuts from Wegmans, I also catered ALL of my bachelorette food. I love to cook, so this wasn’t a huge problem to me. Not to toot my own horn, but the spread looked and tasted amazing.


What I had an issue with is that my bridesmaid arrived early to my sisters house and didn’t even know the theme! That’s how uninvolved she has been. When I made my entrance I was so excited to see everyone and overall I had such a great time. It was the first time in a long time that I actually felt like a bride.


Throughout the party I helped keep food stocked and chose to ignore certain things because hey, this day was finally about me! It wasn’t until the end of the party that I finally asked my MOH/sister if it was crazy that a bridesmaid was the first to leave the party. She shrugged and said she noticed too, but didn’t feel the need to cause drama. I should mention my sister is very authoritative, self assured, and let’s no one boss her around. She is a great person and will do anything for anyone! I could sense she just gave up trying to tell her how to be a bridesmaid. I spent that night and the next morning cleaning all the confetti and balloons.


In the afternoon after the party, I felt the need to post a nice thank you on instagram using my hashtag. I scrolled thru my phone and obviously, I didn’t take a lot. I go into the new bachelorette group chat and snag a few photos. I’m hurt to find out we didn’t get a decent group shot. I had just a handful of photos of me. No one gave me my sash or booty veil to wear. I then see the bridesmaid post a selfie she took at my bachelorette of her in a bikini going down the slip n slide. No mention of me, my hashtag, or the fact she was at a bachelorette. I’m beyond annoyed about it.


I know that tradition says that the bride should not have to pay towards her bachelorette, but I did because I know that splitting up costs amongst a small party can be challenging. I easily put $300 into this party and my MOH way more. I know the guests even graciously chipped in for the stripper and custom t shirts. I overheard my sister speaking to my mom and she let it slip that the bridesmaid shelled out ‘less than $50”.


Fast forward: We are renting a small venue to host my small bridal shower. I do not want a repeat of my bachelorette. I want full participation from all parties. I want a billion photos of me and my friends. How do I approach my bridesmaid? I don’t want to kick her out/ruin our friendship but I want her to feel responsible for SOMETHING. She’s yet to even pay me for her bridesmaid dress. Is it right to have a zoom meeting and set the budget at $200 per person? (She has a well paying job, eats out once a day, Starbucks twice a day). She’s been a maid of honor before, she should know better, right? Our reception is likely going to be rescheduled, but I’m still having a ceremony. We have put so much effort into this wedding. I’m still a bride and i want to feel like one.


anyway, thanks to anyone who took the time to read all of this. It was so nice to just let it all out.


24 Comments

  • M
    Beginner March 2022
    Melissa ·
    • Flag

    I can't see what your bridesmaid has done wrong. Remember no one, not even your bridesmaids will be as excited for your wedding as you are, that is just how it is. You got a great party and she turned up to it. I get being a bit annoyed, but you can't seriously make a big issue out of her posting a selfie and not using your hashtag.

    • Reply
  • M
    Beginner March 2022
    Melissa ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    I love this!

    • Reply
  • Shirley
    Expert November 2020
    Shirley ·
    • Flag

    You are expecting way too much of your bridesmaids. No, you may not ask for money for your shower, no you may not dictate a budget to her, no you should not say any of the things you wrote here to her. This was a good vent, but leave it here.

    I think you are also expecting too much of these events. Due to covid, I had a family-and-bridal-party-only shower and only took pictures with my sisters (no group shots) because my guests weren't comfortable being close together. Most of my bridesmaids didn't come because of travel restrictions, and my mom and sister planned and paid for the entire thing themselves. No frills, just food and people I love. I had the time of my life because people took time out of their (currently very stressful) lives to support me!

    Also due to covid, I will not be having a bachelorette party. My MOH is a teacher who is doing in-person schooling and most of my bridal party isn't allowed to travel without taking two weeks off of work. I will never have strippers, sashes, a booty veil (truthfully, I don't know what this is). I will be lucky to be able to have my immediate family present at my wedding at this point. Oh well--as my mother always said, "life's not fair."

    The pandemic has thrown everyone's life out of whack. We as brides can't expect other people to step up like they normally would, and we shouldn't ask or expect that. Honestly, your MOH went above and beyond when really you shouldn't have said anything to her at all.

    I know you feel like you deserve more--ALL of us covid brides do--but you need to be grateful for what you do have here. You are getting pre-wedding events planned by people who love you. The only thing your bridal party is truly expected to do is to buy the dress and show up. Consider anything else that they do an incredible gift.

    • Reply
  • Katie
    VIP August 2021
    Katie ·
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    View Quoted Comment
    I completely agree with you. I think a lot of us have this unrealistic expectation that when we are getting married everyone at least people closest to us will be as excited as we are and make it all about us. As if these people are going to put their life on hold and their feelings aside for the year because we are getting married. And it's not like that and then the bride to be gets upset because everyone ain't all about her and her wedding. People getting married need to take a step back and think about if they were a guest or in someone else's wedding how they would feel.
    • Reply

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