C
Just Said Yes November 2020

Bridesmaid more interested in swiping right

Cristina, on September 8, 2020 at 8:10 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 2 24
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Hello everyone! This is a bit of a rant and I’m so sorry. I’m so torn on how to proceed and I need help. I feel it’s only fair to give a full background. I never thought I would be placed in such an awkward position. My wedding is two months away, and I have a bridesmaid that has done very little to actually be a bridesmaid.


Obviously, Covid-19 has completely changed my wedding experience. Personally, I feel this fact may make a bridesmaid MORE active in at least asking me if I needed help with anything. My bridal party is incredibly small because it’s just what I wanted. MOH is my older sister, bridesman (future brother in law), and lastly the person not pulling her weight is a friend who I’ve known for years. I consider her a sister!


My bachelorette to the Dominican Republic was canceled back in July, obviously. I felt incredibly hurt that not one of my bridal party reached out to me with ideas for an alternative party. I finally broke down to my MOH and she finally kicked Into high gear and planned a beautiful socially distanced bachelorette at her house.


I’m a huge planner and had no problems helping make decorations, etc. My bridesman lives in NYC, so I knew he wasn’t able to come down until the day before to help out. We spent the last weekend before the event finishing decorations. I’m not kidding when i say we used my Cricut for 11 hours straight! My bridesmaid didn’t reach out to us until last minute. She didn’t reach out to ask if we needed help, she wanted to tell us about all the hiking she did and the bad date she had that weekend. It was a FaceTime call and she still was totally aloof to our lack of engagement in the convo. I was stunned and hurt, and what’s worse I could tell my sister was too.


So it’s finally the day of the party and I’m up early. My fiancé’s brother came down too and they had a small bachelor party that same day. I planned all of their events and catered their food. Besides the donuts from Wegmans, I also catered ALL of my bachelorette food. I love to cook, so this wasn’t a huge problem to me. Not to toot my own horn, but the spread looked and tasted amazing.


What I had an issue with is that my bridesmaid arrived early to my sisters house and didn’t even know the theme! That’s how uninvolved she has been. When I made my entrance I was so excited to see everyone and overall I had such a great time. It was the first time in a long time that I actually felt like a bride.


Throughout the party I helped keep food stocked and chose to ignore certain things because hey, this day was finally about me! It wasn’t until the end of the party that I finally asked my MOH/sister if it was crazy that a bridesmaid was the first to leave the party. She shrugged and said she noticed too, but didn’t feel the need to cause drama. I should mention my sister is very authoritative, self assured, and let’s no one boss her around. She is a great person and will do anything for anyone! I could sense she just gave up trying to tell her how to be a bridesmaid. I spent that night and the next morning cleaning all the confetti and balloons.


In the afternoon after the party, I felt the need to post a nice thank you on instagram using my hashtag. I scrolled thru my phone and obviously, I didn’t take a lot. I go into the new bachelorette group chat and snag a few photos. I’m hurt to find out we didn’t get a decent group shot. I had just a handful of photos of me. No one gave me my sash or booty veil to wear. I then see the bridesmaid post a selfie she took at my bachelorette of her in a bikini going down the slip n slide. No mention of me, my hashtag, or the fact she was at a bachelorette. I’m beyond annoyed about it.


I know that tradition says that the bride should not have to pay towards her bachelorette, but I did because I know that splitting up costs amongst a small party can be challenging. I easily put $300 into this party and my MOH way more. I know the guests even graciously chipped in for the stripper and custom t shirts. I overheard my sister speaking to my mom and she let it slip that the bridesmaid shelled out ‘less than $50”.


Fast forward: We are renting a small venue to host my small bridal shower. I do not want a repeat of my bachelorette. I want full participation from all parties. I want a billion photos of me and my friends. How do I approach my bridesmaid? I don’t want to kick her out/ruin our friendship but I want her to feel responsible for SOMETHING. She’s yet to even pay me for her bridesmaid dress. Is it right to have a zoom meeting and set the budget at $200 per person? (She has a well paying job, eats out once a day, Starbucks twice a day). She’s been a maid of honor before, she should know better, right? Our reception is likely going to be rescheduled, but I’m still having a ceremony. We have put so much effort into this wedding. I’m still a bride and i want to feel like one.


anyway, thanks to anyone who took the time to read all of this. It was so nice to just let it all out.


24 Comments

Latest activity by Katie, on September 9, 2020 at 7:48 AM
  • Trisha
    Super October 2020
    Trisha ·
    • Flag
    Some People Dont Know The Actual Role Of Being In A Bridal Party. With That Being Said, If You Want Her To Be More Involved You Need To Tell Her. You Cant Assume She Has The Money Or Time To Spend Because We Never Know What Someone Else Is Going Through. Just Talk To Her About How You Feel, Thats Really All You Can Do.
    • Reply
  • Yasmine
    Rockstar October 2020
    Yasmine Online ·
    • Flag

    I wouldn't give her a budget, I actually wouldn't give anyone an amount that they should be paying towards any of my bridal events. Maybe you should have a sit down with her and ask her to be a little more involved and to help out if she can

    • Reply
  • Michelle
    Expert May 2021
    Michelle ·
    • Flag

    Sometimes all we need is a vent! Definitely talk to her. I don’t have those kind of expectations of my bridal party. Your bridesmaids shouldn’t be expected to pay for things for the party, I don’t think. If the MOH throws a party, and the bridesmaids contribute then awesome. If you want it perfect, then you need to make it perfect like you have tried to do. There’s nothing wrong with adding in your own ideas and money. I think it’s super nice all your girls were willing and able to pay to go to the Dominican, and I’m sorry that didn’t happen! I know feeling and being treated like a bride is really nice, but the truth is no one really cares about us feeling like brides. Honestly you should feel blessed you have people who want to be there and throw you parties. I’ve got nothing lol No one checking in on me, no one doing anything for my wedding, no one excited, no parties......so things can always be more disappointing.

    • Reply
  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
    • Flag

    No. You don't get to determine someone else's budget. It's also ridiculous to expect her to change her lifestyle to pay for your bachelorette or your shower. If she wanted to help host these events, she would offer. The fact that she's your bridesmaid doesn't make it her responsibility to throw you parties. Whoever offered to host (I guess your MOH? Even though it seems you dictated that as well,) is responsible for the cost. Take a step back. Your bridal party went out of their way to host/attend a bachelorette party for you in the middle of a pandemic and you're upset that no one gave you a booty veil and your bridesmaid didn't post a picture of you. There are bigger issues in life. Focus on the good. You're getting a lot more than most brides are right now.

    • Reply
  • T
    Beginner July 2021
    Taylor ·
    • Flag

    I feel like you should talk to her one on one about what your expectations of her involvement. But I would cut her some slack. People's lives don't come to a halt just because they are a bridesmaid. Usually whoever does the hosting of the bachelorette pays, or organizes the paying. I don't think you can hold it against her that she didn't post a picture of you. It is okay to feel a bit bad about it, but don't actually hold it against her.

    • Reply
  • C
    Just Said Yes November 2020
    Cristina ·
    • Flag
    Thank you everyone!! I think I definitely need to talk to her but mostly importantly, cut her some slack ❤️
    • Reply
  • Natalie
    Devoted January 2022
    Natalie ·
    • Flag

    Just to add to what's been said....keep in mind there are MANY styles of brides and bridesmaids and levels of expectations. Don't assume what you expect (that bridesmaids will pay a certain amount for parties, do a certain amount of decorating/prep, stay the whole night, rush to post about parties/the bride on social media) is the norm or understood by everyone! There are many brides (self included tbh) who don't expect or want anything form our bridesmaids expect to show up on the day-of in a particular dress, walk down the aisle and stand for the ceremony. Out of the brides I know IRL about half opted to not even have either a bachelorette or bridal shower.

    So yeah, just reiterating the importance of communicating expectations, rather than staying quiet and then judging when she doesn't follow the "silent rules" (which she may not even know about!). Generally the MOH or whomever is planning these events should make it clear what's expected/requested....it isn't really fair, for example, to tell bridesmaids "pay what you can for the party" and then turn around and complain that someone only paid 50. If you really want everyone to pay 150, make that clear, but also realize it may come off bridezilla-y to demand extra money/time at a bunch of different events.

    • Reply
  • Katie
    VIP August 2021
    Katie ·
    • Flag
    I would confront her and let her know how displeased you are with her behavior. I know you don't want to kick her out but maybe asking her if she even wants to be in the wedding? Maybe she isn't as good of a friend as you thought or maybe she doesn't know what she should be doing and needs someone to tell her or she could be jealous cause she hasn't found that someone special to settle down with, either way nothing is going to change unless you talk to her. And remember wedding have a way of changing people either for the better or worse. And I agree with everyone else that setting a budget wouldn't be right.
    • Reply
  • Katie
    VIP August 2021
    Katie ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    I also agree with you on that. I was in a wedding where the bride to be was constantly wanting attention through out the whole time she was planning the wedding and she was demanding and very bossy. Me on the other hand I have been laid back and don't really expect much.
    • Reply
  • Meghan
    Master October 2019
    Meghan ·
    • Flag

    You cannot dictate a budget for your friends to spend on a party for you. That is rude. Whoever is actually planning your shower can reach out to the other bridal party members and ask if they are willing to chip in, and if so how much. But they cannot be told to contribute financially. At the end of the day, a bridesmaid/bridesman's only duty is to show up at your wedding and stand next to you. It is not to host events.

    • Reply
  • Katelyn
    Savvy May 2017
    Katelyn ·
    • Flag

    Take a step back: it sucks your bachelorette to the DR got cancelled. Other than that, your MOH still threw you a party, all your BMs attended, including it appears the one from NYC, and you're upset you didn't get a group shot? And didn't wear a sash? And the BM talked about a date and hiking, only paid $50 (but still financially contributed and attended). You and MOH paid $300 at least, so we're at $650 (for a party in a backyard? that wasn't catered?? during a pandemic??) Now it appears you're organizing your own bridal shower, which like a bachelorette, is an event which someone else hosts for you. Ideally, the BMs cover the bride for the bachelorette and the shower but they should be asked beforehand and plan the event themselves and only if someone offers to host. A bride should not dictate and plan the event and the budget and then simply expect the bridal party to foot the bill. It doesn't matter if she makes good money. I make good money, and I wouldn't want to spend hundreds of dollars on party, which I didn't offer to host. IMHO you need to adjust your expectations.

    • Reply
  • Katie
    Expert January 2021
    Katie ·
    • Flag

    I think both of you have to talk, because neither of you are really handling this well. Some of the things you pointed out (wanting a billion photos of you and your bridal party with your hashtag, etc.) are pretty trivial and not something worth getting upset enough to ruin a relationship. As far as set up and clean up, I think you need to let her know your expectations. You also seem to be letting MOH off the hook for a lot of things you're getting mad at BM about the only difference is you're being open with her about what bothers you and then she seems to change her actions.

    • Reply
  • Hanna
    VIP June 2019
    Hanna ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Once again, Caytlyn is spot on. Fully agree with all of this 100%

    • Reply
  • Sarah
    Beginner September 2021
    Sarah ·
    • Flag

    Not to sound harsh, but you still got a pretty good bachelorette, that your MOH also payed for. Okay it is not the norm for the bride to pay for the bachelorette, but all your BMs attended, including the one you are not happy with. I don't think you can decide the exact amount your BMs pay for the party. If you want more photos. more bride centered stuff for the bridal shower, that is something you've got to communicate to your BMs. If you are doing the hosting, then you really should be covering the costs IMO.

    • Reply
  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie ·
    • Flag

    "We are renting a small venue to host my small bridal shower. I do not want a repeat of my bachelorette. I want full participation from all parties. I want a billion photos of me and my friends. How do I approach my bridesmaid? I don’t want to kick her out/ruin our friendship but I want her to feel responsible for SOMETHING. She’s yet to even pay me for her bridesmaid dress. Is it right to have a zoom meeting and set the budget at $200 per person? (She has a well paying job, eats out once a day, Starbucks twice a day)."

    I think you have an extreme amount of expectations for what other people should spend their time and money on. Your next move should be made only after carefully considering whether or not this friendship is more important than your wedding events, decor (11 hours of labor for a bachelorette party??!), etc. If you are OK with letting the friendship go, then sure, send her an invoice and list of participation guidelines. If you would be sad to lose the friendship, then set your expectations aside and just try to appreciate her for herself.

    • Reply
  • Alma
    Expert October 2020
    Alma ·
    • Flag
    I don’t think you should tell her anything nor set a budget for her. I would not be happy if the bride told me I was expected to pitch in $200 for a bridal shower. She showed up to the bachelorette, pitched in what she could or was willing, and she had a good time. I don’t see the issue here. The moment you let the little things go, the more you’ll actually enjoy the moment and appreciate what people are doing for you. If you want a billion photos, then take them. Times are difficult right now. Even if she makes good money and eats out, we don’t know what someone else is going through. I know you’re venting and it’s easy to get upset at others actions, but just try to enjoy the moment and take it all without worrying about minor things like your bridesmaid going on dates.
    • Reply
  • R
    Super September 2018
    Rachel ·
    • Flag
    The internet has taken our expectations sky high. I think what you envision and are planning is, unfortunately, the exception and not the rule. In this case I think it’s fine that you stepped up to the plate to contribute (financially and time/effort). I would only offer that if you want an impeccable spread of food/bev and a billion photos, it might be worth you hiring (without billing back to your bridal party, unless they feel this level of event is necessary and within their budgets) a caterer and a photographer so that you get what you want while being able to enjoy the event. If you’re not enjoying the event that’ll come across in your photos and I don’t think you want that.


    What you envision is a dream and there’s nothing wrong with you wanting that. I think just be careful with your expectations of your bridal party because they may not share the same vision or budget to pull it off.
    • Reply
  • Msalberts
    Master October 2021
    Msalberts ·
    • Flag

    I’m sorry you didn’t enjoy or appreciate your festivities.

    Bridesmaid more interested in swiping right 1


    • Reply
  • Kimberly
    Super March 2021
    Kimberly ·
    • Flag
    You’re expectations and demands are way out of control. You had a lovely bachelorette party and will have a lovely bridal shower. Be thankful to the people in your life that are doing this for you and be appreciative of what you have. Please do not say anything g to your bridesmaid unless you are ready to end that friendship.
    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    Your expectations are way out of the usual reality, and you seem to feel entitled to have every whim catered to by people who have no responsibility to do it. The bridal party is not expected to give a shower, or a bachelorette. Any close friend or family, in the bridal party or not, may volunteer to do it if they choose, but they choose the type of party they want, and the budget, not the bride. Of their choice os to bale brownies plus jave ice ream and soda in someone's living room or yard, that is what the party is. You set expectations that were clearly beyond anything offered to you, which is like demanding a better gift than someone chooses to give you, something that is very bad manners on a bride's part. If one of my children got as upset as you over getting constant, over the top levels of attention and made demands on family or friends, spend money on me, do everything I ask ...she would have a long break before any social events, with lessons in manners appropriate for associating with other people. For an adult to expect money, attention and work that has not been offered and behave in the way you have , is stunning. Your BM is not out of line. She sounds quite appropriate. You and your sister, are beyond anything anyone I know would find acceptable on the many, many times I have been bridal party.
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