Post content has been hidden

To unblock this content, please click here

Beginner May 2018

Bridesmaid issue

Lady love, on February 13, 2018 at 4:03 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 50

Saved

Flag
Hide content

Hello,

I'm in need of some advice. I will be having my destination wedding in June. It has been planned since January 2017. I confirmed with all of our most important people that the travel would be possible. As time went on, we received many complaints about it being too expensive. When I planned it, I suggested people save $50 per pay check. In my eyes, it's a great vacation for us all and all inclusive. I understood if people couldn't make it. Well as time progressed, my bridesmaids held off on getting a bridesmaids dresses that we chose for $179 each. I understood that it was expensive in addition to what they were saving. So I found a dress for $20 online. I wanted to purchase it for them, but didn't get responses when I asked for sizes. If I talked about anything other that the wedding with them I got responses. We used a chat that showed me who received my messages and also who read them. I started noticing that my bridesmaids wouldn't respond. Only my maid of honors would. I brushed it off even though I hated being ignored. My MOH tried to hint to me that there were communication issues amongst her and the bridesmaids because they wouldn't respond to her either. She didn't want to go into detail. But it seems when they did respond it made her question their friendship to me.

In January one of my BM text me saying she's not sure someone will be able to watch her child....I'm a mom as well. It sounded like an excuse to me because this wedding has been planned for a year now with 5 more months to go at the time. I told her not to even stress. It's ok.
Another BM never booked through my agent or even had the funds saved and it's 3 months before the wedding. She says she will try to make it. My other BM was scheduled and deposit through my agent. I feel like a burden to them. They don't ask if I need help with the wedding. They don't respond. My MOH must be trying to plan an event for me and they don't respond or show any interest. In our group chat, I asked how they were doing. One of my MOH responds of course. But No one else did. I can see one of my BM read my message. So then I expressed how stressed I was and felt as if I was a burden. I feel like no one is interested. It's 3 months before and no BM has their dress. They waited long to order it so we are still waiting. I said ignoring me means you have very little interest in me and this big moment of my life. I understand they have their own life. Before all of this and during I've been a good friend. I just don't feel the happiness from them. I told them I didn't want them to feel obligated especially if they didn't have time to participate or even have the funds. The same BM read my message and still didn't respond. So I separately let her know I see what she is doing. She said she didn't read it; she viewed it..... so I told her the invitation still stands, but you don't have to participate. Next day I received an updated report from my travel agent and the BM cancelled her room arrangements. She saw my message and didn't even speak to me about the room. I believe she cancelled prior to my message according to my agent. I was so upset and hurt. I reached out to that BM and She said she cancelled it because she couldn't afford it and would try staying at another hotel. I told her I wish she would have talked to me first I would have covered $100. Which made me question if this was true because she paid $900 and still had 2 weeks left to pay it off. She told me she read the message and didn't know what I was stressed about. That made me more upset. Why not ask how can I help you instead? I had plans to take everyone on a cruise while on the island. Also, If she stays at another hotel she'll have to pay $125 day pass to get in my hotel. I also planned on having rehearsal the night before which means she won't be there for that either.

Is it me being one sided on this matter? Am I wrong for feeling as though my BM aren't truly my friends.

Flag
Hide content

50 Comments

Latest activity by Lady love, on February 13, 2018 at 9:11 PM

Devoted September 2018
MillerTime · on February 13, 2018 at 5:31 AM
Flag

Hide content
I'll be honest..
1. You're expecting way too much out of your guests. You don't know their financial situation and you certainly can't tell them how to save or spend their money.
2. It sounds like you're only being a bride and not a FRIEND. If they respond when you aren't talking about the wedding and then ghost you when you do talk about it.. that's a red flag on you. Not everyone is as excited about your wedding as you. It sounds like maybe you pushed them to the point that they don't want to participate. Try salvaging the friendships not the bride/bridesmaid titles.
- Reply
Expert July 2017
SaraBear · on February 13, 2018 at 5:51 AM
Flag

Hide content
This is really hard to follow but I’ll try -

• If “many” people told you it’s too expensive, it’s too expensive.
• You can’t tell your guests how to save money. $50 a paycheck to me and my husband is nothing; $50 a paycheck to me a few years ago was a lot.
• You might think it’s a great vacation for everyone but not everyone wants to use their vacation time and paid time off to celebrate someone else’s wedding. If H and I could only take one vacation per year, for example, we wouldn’t want to go to a destination wedding we didn’t choose.
• If they don’t respond to you when you talk about the wedding but they do respond to you about other things, you talk about the wedding too much. No one will be excited for your wedding as you are, no one has the obligation to help you plan.
• Depending on how long this destination takes to get there and how long everyone is staying in there, it’s not a bull reason that your BM might not find childcare. What if she doesn’t have someone she knows available that week? What if she can’t find someone who can watch her child that long?
• If your MOH is reaching out to them because she needs them to contribute to a shower or bachelorette, I can see why they’re hesitant to respond, considering you’ve gotten “many” complaints already that it’s too expensive.

Honestly, it sounds like your destination wedding is very expensive and perhaps they feel uncomfortable because they don’t want to back out but they can’t afford it. 1) You haven’t gotten one complaint about it being expensive, you’ve gotten many. 2) The first dress seemed to be pretty high priced for them 3) Your MOH won’t tell you what they’re not responding about implying she’s asking them about a bachelorette and shower (and possible financial contribution 4) your BM paid $900 for a room. I couldn’t understand but she either needed to pay that off or pay an additional amount off. Plus airfare. This whole post is making me so anxious for all of your bridesmaids.

I would try try to salvage your friendships without the BM title. Reach out to them individually, send them the link to the dress, and say, “here’s the link to the BM dress, I understand my destination wedding is a little expensive so if you can’t get if, I’d love for you to attend as a guest. If you can’t make it as a guest, we should totally get dinner or something soon so we can hang out!” Instead of just assuming they’re giving you bull excuses.
- Reply
Master June 2016
Sarah · on February 13, 2018 at 6:01 AM
Flag

Hide content
I don’t know too many people who have an extra $50 a week to save for a vacation they didn’t decide on (you chose the location, your guests didn’t). The amount of money you’re talking about your guests saving is almost equal to our yearly vacation budget(multiple trips) and we’re a family of 4. Also, how would someone arrange childcare for a destination wedding? The only people I trust to watch my kids for multiple nights are my parents so if they aren’t free it doesn’t matter how much advanced notice I have- I’ll still have no one to watch them.

It sounds like your friends were trying to make it work, but they can’t. I don’t blame them. If they weren’t your friends, they would have laughed in your face when you told them to save $50/week for YOUR wedding.
- Reply
Beginner December 2018
Kerry · on February 13, 2018 at 6:13 AM
Flag

Hide content
I think they're being very rude and unfair on your big day. Even if they can't afford it that's no excuse for ignoring you and the utter lack of communication and care for any bridesmaid duties. This is a time in your life when you should be enjoying, not stressing over if they are even going to come. They should not have agreed to be a bridesmaid if they weren't sure they would be able to handle the duties, financially or otherwise. At the very least they should reach out and tell you they have to back out, instead of you having to track them down. I don't know how many BMs you have but maybe you should just tell the ones who don't seem they'll come that they should just come as a guests so you can enjoy your day with your MOH and BMs you can count on. Best of luck to you - I hope it works out!
- Reply
VIP August 2018
Alforev · on February 13, 2018 at 6:14 AM
Flag

Hide content
You need to realize that you are absolutely asking for way too much. $50 a paycheck is not something average people can afford on top of bills. You’re saying that your one BM is a mother and you are a mother as well... don’t you think that $50 per check can be better spent? From how it sounds they aren’t responding because they probably are very angry with you. You expect far too much with no consideration for their lives. No one is going to care about your wedding as much as you and your FH. Instead of continually talking about the wedding, did you try asking how they are? And not in a group chat because that’s not personal. If these women are your friends you should be able to talk to them individually and ask them what’s going on. Some might be really stressed and maybe embarrassed since they realized as time went on that it is far too much money you are asking from them. Your destination wedding is absolutely not a vacation for them. They don’t get to choose how their money is spent and what they do while away, everything is dictated by you. Maybe initially it sounded nice but you need to put yourself in their shoes and factor in what they may need the money for.
- Reply
VIP August 2018
Alforev · on February 13, 2018 at 6:15 AM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
Bridesmaids are supposed to be friends or family members who stand up with you as you marry the person you love. They have no duties apart from showing up.
- Reply
January 2019
MOB So Cal · on February 13, 2018 at 8:18 AM
Flag

Hide content
This is the risk/trade off of a destination wedding. You "received many complaints it was too expensive," and chose to ignore those people and their concerns.... It's not really surprising that they are bailing on you. You think this is happening "last minute," but maybe they feel like they tried to tell you earlier and you weren't listening to them. Good luck.
- Reply
Devoted October 2018
AbeFroman · on February 13, 2018 at 8:24 AM
Flag

Hide content
$50 per paycheck is too much to ask of people - which I think you know, given that many people have told you it's too expensive.

It sounds like you are being more of a bride than a friend. I recommend apologizing to your friends and telling them that you would love for them to still be bridesmaids, and if they can't, they are more than welcome as guests. If they can't afford to come as guests, you all can get together to celebrate another time.
- Reply
Devoted October 2015
Aimee · on February 13, 2018 at 8:25 AM
Flag

Hide content
This whole post makes my heart hurt for your bridesmaids...
- Reply
Devoted September 2019
stbmrs2019 · on February 13, 2018 at 8:42 AM
Flag

Hide content
I can barely pay my bills at the moment due to not getting the hours promised at work. I certainly would not be able to put $50 away each week. FI probably would but I wouldn't be able to.
Also, I dislike group chats because they require me to use my data on my phone which I don't like to use. If my data isn't on, I'm not getting the message.
You really set your expectations way too high and if a lot of people are telling you it's too expensive, then it's too expensive. That's the downfall to a destination wedding.
- Reply
Devoted August 2018
Erika · on February 13, 2018 at 9:00 AM
Flag

Hide content
As soon as you asked me to put aside $50 per paycheck for your wedding, I would have told you to kick sand and that I am out. That is outrageous. It is one thing to say "hey, it is going to be around this much, so let me know if you can swing it", but don't tell me what to do and how to do it. I would be out just because of mere principal.
People may not be answering you because it seems as if you are "telling" rather than "asking".
- Reply
Beginner May 2018
Lady love · on February 13, 2018 at 9:46 AM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment

Thank you so much for your comment. I really got emotional reading it. If it were them getting married, I would NEVER act in such a way. Yes, I know it's expensive, but they helped me decide on this location and hotel in the very beginning. I would just expect them to be honest and say I can't make it or let's celebrate here before you go. The fact that I voiced how being ignored has been bothering me and they still did it any way? Thank you so much!!! I am my worst critic; so even after I think I have valid reasons for feeling the way I do, I still focus on how others feel. Have an amazing day!
- Reply
Super September 2019
An · on February 13, 2018 at 10:01 AM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
Look, you can't just take the only person who is on your side and run with their advice. I don't think your bridesmaids are in the right for avoiding a tough conversation, but you are asking way too much.
If you decided this in Jan 2017 and told them to save (?) $50/paycheck, that would be $1600 per person, and I am assuming that doesn't include dresses, bridal shower, bachelorette party, and any other expenses for your wedding. Being in a wedding is expensive no matter what, but that is way too much to ask before you even consider the optional parties etc.
I am not surprised that you are losing friendships over this and I don't think you are focused on how they feel, at all.
- Reply
Devoted October 2018
AbeFroman · on February 13, 2018 at 10:12 AM
Flag

Hide content
Multiple people told you that you are expecting too much. You are only taking advice from the one person who agreed with you?
- Reply
Beginner May 2018
Lady love · on February 13, 2018 at 10:17 AM
Flag

Hide content
--Okay.... I gave people a ball park on how much it would cost. It was a suggestion in case they wanted to save over the year. I didn't require people to literally deposit $50 to my agent every 2 weeks and if not then they wouldn't be booked. That's not what I did or said. It was a suggestion made to close relatives and firiends. This information did not go out in emails. People can do what they want! No one is obligated to attend MY wedding as you all have stated. Even if it's expensive, people can't tell me how to spend MY money for MY wedding either. SO it's up to them to RSVP or decline. I'm not doing more asking then telling. Geesh. I truly felt attacked in this forum when I was only asking for advice.
--My bridesmaids were the ones who convinced me that weddings here are expensive and cheaper when it's a destination. I shared with them all details regarding the hotel and the cost. I said, "do you all think this is too expensive?" Their response was, "For the first time in your life, do not worry about accommodating others. This is your day." Had I known they couldn't make it, I would have probably made other arrangements because I truly wanted them there. In the beginning, when some people said it was expensive, my BMs said to me, "that people have a year to save for it. Don't change your plans for others."
--I rarely talked about my wedding because I didn't want to be that kind of a bride. I planned on my own. I only mentioned dresses and saw how I was ignored with just that to start with. I'm not someone who is selfish. During the year we had Christmas dinners and celebrated everyone's high and talked and comforted through our lows. I have a bridesmaid who lives out of town and has paid it all despite how expensive it is. We don't even get to talk as often, but the friendship we shared for the time that we were close is all that she needed to let me know that she would be there no matter what. I notice the difference between the friendship at this point.
--I understand if they can't go. Does that mean ignore me? It's not my fault if they can't attend or said yes without being able to commit to it. I'm pretty sure my sister wouldn't stress them about contributions financially because she doesn't need their help on that! She told me if they could share any ideas give any input on what they could do. No response but from the BM who cancelled without letting me know, saying "if we can make it, we will make it, if we can't we can't." My sister thought to herself, well that's not what I asked.
I understand it is difficult for you all to truly understand because I would have stories to write here trying to tell you why I feel that way I do. I was open to other people's opinions. I don't think ignoring the bride to be, cancelling before speaking to the bride so she hears it from the travel agent first, Having no interest in giving my sister ideas to celebrate me. It says a lot to me. I would've NEVER acted this way to celebrate them.
They were all so excited for this trip in the beginning. Yes, everyone has a life and I know things happen that can change their entire focus and plans to attend. But at least say it.
I personally wouldn't mind celebrating someone's destination wedding. That obviously means they thought I were important enough to invite me. It's a Vacation. The wedding is only a day out of it all. If it means celebrating someone on their biggest day, why not? If we celebrated each other more while we are alive, the world would be a better place. That's my opinion and don't expect others to be the same. People aren't required to come to my wedding. Just say you can't.
- Reply
Super September 2019
An · on February 13, 2018 at 10:24 AM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
I get the frustration about them not just flat-out telling you they can't make it, but you are never going to convince me that this is an acceptable amount to ask people to spend for you wedding. If they want to go on vacation they can go on their own, this is for you, and honestly it is selfish, even if you are not typically a selfish person. We get these ideas that "it's my big day" but really it means way more to you than it does to anyone else. It is too late now but I would reach out to then all individually by phone or in person and apologize for the costs and see what you can do to salvage the friendship. You need to be the bigger person here, even if they are wrong for their lack of communication.
ETA: it doesn't matter how "excited" they were to pick out the hotel etc. originally. You should not have ever let something this expensive be an option. They might have been embarrassed to tell you at the time that it was too expensive.
- Reply
Beginner May 2018
Lady love · on February 13, 2018 at 10:30 AM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment

I'm a pretty good friend. I even offered to help pay for their dress. I am paying for their excursions. I am paying for their makeup and hair and massage when they get there. I am also giving everyone gift cards. I have been a friend. There is no where in my initial comment do I go into what I have done as a friend. Because I have been a great one and we talk about everything else. I am discussing the planning. The questions at hand was the role and behavior of my bridesmaids.
I only told one BM that I think that she should be a guest because she doesn't seem to want to participate and has other things going on because I asked how are you doing and she ignored that question. Really?
I want people who want to be bridesmaids to be bridesmaids. It drains me when I feel as though this is a burden on them. My MOHs and a bridesmaid agree that the others were not supportive. I just needed advice from other brides who may have dealt with planning before.
- Reply
Beginner May 2018
Lady love · on February 13, 2018 at 10:37 AM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment

People plan weddings at this location all the time with parties of 100 people and more. I don't understand.
"You should not have ever let something this expensive be an option."
?If it were expensive then as Adults they should be able to decline. I don't think that if this is where we wanted to get married I shouldn't have planned it all. This is probably the time in my life where I can have it where I want.
- Reply
Champion November 2016
LB · on February 13, 2018 at 10:39 AM
Flag

Hide content
Oy, as someone who had a DW, you are asking WAYYYY too much. First of all, why does everyone have to book through your travel agent. Is it cause you get kick backs for how many people book? Second, if someone stays at another hotel YOU should be paying their day pass to come to your wedding. not them. Lastly, everyone else has got it covered, but telling your BM that she should just be a guest cause she doesn't seem to want to be involved is RIDICULOUS. You should want her to be a BM cause you love her, not for what she can do for you.
I feel like you should look in the mirror to see the cause of the problems you are having.
- Reply

Champion November 2016
LB · on February 13, 2018 at 10:42 AM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment

Oh give me a break. She doesn't have to "apologize" for having a DW. I agree the attitude that it's her day is too much, but if people can't afford it, they can simply decline. One wouldn't apologize to OOT guests for having a wedding far from them.
- Reply