Bridesmaid is uninterested

View Quoted Comment Perhaps that was poor choice of words. I'm just not sure why she is acting this way.
She didn't act this way in our other friends weddings, to which we all did extra activities that wasnt entirely fun, but we helped the bride because she needed it.

View Quoted Comment I never said you had high expectations. If you give them the opportunity to say no and you’re not controlling, why are you upset she said no? Going to a bridal show is not fun, it sounds like a nightmare. One of my BM asked me if I would tell her when I was doing stuff so she could come with me. She came to everything with me. I kept my MOH updated on the wedding but she was relatively uninterested. I didn’t get mad at her, she just didn’t come to anything.

If you are truly that close and she’s telling you everything is fine, she’s probably sincerely just not interested in wedding planning and she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. I’ve never been a bridesmaid and I hope I am never asked to be one, because of stuff like this.

Or - kick her out because she’s uninterested and start your marriage off with a rocky relationship with your sister in law. “Remember that one time I kicked you out of my bridal party for my wedding?” will totes be a good conversation starter at Christmas.

View Quoted Comment I wouldn't be super excited to go to a bridal expo either, and I am getting married. Maybe she was having a bad day at the bridal salon... I agree that your expectations are a little high. I am sorry and I understand that you are disappointed, but she's not doing anything wrong. You can't force someone to be excited about something they are not excited about, and unless she really starts to do something wrong (doesn't buy a dress, starts a fist fight with you) you should try to let it go for the sake of your relationship with her since she is going to be family.

View Quoted Comment I don't expect people to fawn over me. I would like her there because we typically have a great time when we hang out.
If this is going to turn into bashing the bride, then your "help" is not what I'm looking for.
I'm not going to exclude her just because she might not be interested. That's messed up.

Whatever. Clearly I'm the bad guy because I'm asking for help and a positive attitude from my future sil. If my parents were still around I'd ask them, but I don't. She is the closest person to family I have, SO EXCUSE ME FOR WANTING HER THERE WITH A STUPID SMILE ON HER FACE.

View Quoted Comment Maybe she’s burnt out on helping other people with their weddings if there are multiple “other friends” she has helped.

View Quoted Comment No one is saying you are the "bad guy" ... again it sucks when you feel let down by someone but what can you do? You could kick her out of your BP but that is going to have lasting consequences. It sounds like the rest of your BP is on board and excited to go to these things with you...embrace them. I would try to spend time with your SIL without any connection to the wedding if you aren't already. If there is something bothering her then maybe she will open up to you, and if there isn't, then at least you are building a stronger bond with her. That will last far beyond your wedding. I hope everything works out.

I think you need to adjust your expectations. Being a bridesmaid doesn't come with any requirements other than getting the dress by the wedding and standing next to you on that day.

View Quoted Comment I have plans with her this weekend that has nothing to do with the wedding so I'm hoping she will open up.

She has been a bridesmaid a lot, so it's possible she would rather be the bride or not participate. It bothers me that she is not happy. I could care less about her excitement for the wedding. I'm talking, in general.

No. You can not and should not ask her to be more interested in you or step down. ESPECIALLY (like wowowow) if this is your future SIL (the general advice regarding “firing” a bridesmaid is that it is a friendship ending move so if you’re okay with severing ties, whatever. You can’t do that with your SIL. She’ll be in your life forever so is probably someone you don’t want resenting you for years to come)

what YOU need to do (and I would say this regardless of your relationship with her) is reset your own expectations. You can invite her to things, but don’t be let down if she doesn’t come. Just think “oh well, we’ll miss you” ...being a bridesmaid for someone does not equate to nor require group bonding. If this isn’t already her crowd, she might not be interested in giving up her free time to hang with a bunch of people that aren’t her own friends. You can’t make bonding happen and you don’t need to. I understand that you want lots of opportunities to hang out with your girls/friends, but they don’t need to and all of this stuff NEEDS to be voluntary.

Shes not doing ANYTHING wrong.

From my perspective, like if I were her, here is my take on all this stuff: getting together with a bunch of girls to try on dresses is a nightmare. This is a thing in life I prefer to do alone , because I’ll be critical of myself and not interested in showing off styles on me and not intetested in seeing other girls look better in them than me. It can get discouraging. BUT I would attend this event because I realize that part of my role is to get the dress so I’ll do it even though it’s not my idea of a “good time”
A bridal expo sounds like hell on earth and I would certainly never want to go to one — even as a bride, so I cannot imagine suffering through one for a wedding that I’m not planning (I couldn’t care less about meeting a bunch of random vendors for a wedding that is not my own). I applaud her honesty.
i have a busy schedule, I have to work hard to make sure I’m accommodating all my social circles and family and sometimes planning s get together with dear friends can take weeks to find an available day. As a bridesmaid, I know a lot of my weekends are gonna get sucked up— the wedding, the shower, the bachelorette. It’s inevitable but fine. But it means I’m going to have to work harder to schedule things with my own friends when we have available time, and even to schedule some down time.

Oh my word. Your bridesmaids DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT have to go on group outings to find dresses or to have lunch or to attend wedding expos. It is TEW. MUCH. You're obviously overwhelming her with all your requests, and I'm sure she'd rather spend her free time with her own friends instead of yours. Chill out and back off. Her not wanting to spend every waking moment for the next 8 months doing something for your wedding does not make her a bad friend or bridesmaid, and is in no way a valid reason for kicking her out of your wedding. She was honest with you- the wedding expo is not her thing. I'm sure she's happy to stand up in your wedding with you if you guys are close, but that doesn't mean she has to be at your beck and call every single day until then. And you don't invite people to be in your wedding party just because you think they're going to do things for your wedding. I mean, really!

She doesn't have to help you with anything, and the only pictures she has to smile for are your wedding photos.

This is your wedding, not hers. Her only "duty" is to stand next to you. Expos, lunch and paint nites are not required. She can be happy for you and just not want to do those things. Maybe they really arent her thing.

Your expectations are way too high. They don't have to help you plan YOUR wedding. It's YOUR wedding. Your future husband and you are the only ones that have to plan it. Nobody else. If one of you is too busy, then PAY someone to help. Your bridal party is not free labor.
Also, they don't have to meet, and they don't have to attend bridal shows. The fact that you consider this fun, doesn't mean other people do too. You're

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I agree with most all PP's here.

- I learned this real fast and it's probably the best advice on this forum: "no one cares as much about your wedding as you and your FS."

- Wedding expo's are seriously the death of me and I'm actually getting married. I went to quite a few (as a BM to accompany the bride and as the bride myself) and I'm just over them. I don't find them fun, and wouldn't expect my BP to think they were either.

But besides just repeating what everyone else has graciously told you already, I wanted to point out that maybe like @Sarah said, she's burnt out from being a BM. What's her dating life like? Is she married already with kids? Single, but wishing she had someone? With someone, but wishes she was engaged? I'm asking because I have a BM that isn't quite in a place in her life where she's happy (all my BM's are engaged or married, but her) and I think she puts a lot of pressure on herself regarding this. I've found that she is much like your FSIL, and she is completely uninterested in hearing or talking about anything wedding related. At this point, I just expect her to show up on the day in the dress and I'm trying to be compassionate to what she's going through. It's hard to be excited for other people when you're not happy in your own life for whatever reason or have a bunch of things going on that consume your mind.

I would definitely change your expectations. I know you said you don't have any, but you wouldn't be so upset if you didn't have expectations. As long as she purchases the dress you choose and shows up on your day, I don't see a problem with how she's acting. If she looks miserable or acts miserable, that's a reflection on her, not you.

I agree with other posters. Its ok if she doesn't wanna do these things. Go with the girls who want to join you. It's great to get group pics, etc, but please don't feel like she isn't carrying her weight because she won't tag along. To be honest, she could just think it's corny. And that's ok too.

She might be upset about something not wedding related. I would just let her be and see if she comes around. Lower your expectations and both of you will be happier. It sounds like you have a lot of support from your other girls, be grateful for that and let it go. As other PP's said, she is your brother's sister and you already asked her to be in the wedding - you can't take it back without damaging the relationship. I was in my best friends wedding years ago and was pretty miserable. I went to all the events (planned most of them) and did my duty as a MOH to the best of my ability, but was on autopilot. I found out I had an illness that would affect the rest of my life right after she got engaged. I was truly happy for her, but had a hard time faking a smile 24/7, and I didn't tell her because I didn't want to upset her. Give her the benefit of the doubt, you never know what someone is going through.

Wait, y'all had photo ops while out shopping for your dress? No offense but I wouldn't have been too happy either with that. If you aren't forcing them to go to any of these things, why are you upset she said no? Like you are contradicting yourself here.

And trust me, I understand about your FI not being able to do everything in terms of planning with things like bridal shows and such. He works in a tire shop in a wholesale club so he does retail hours and weekends are always his busiest times so he doesn't take them off if he can help it. But it is your and his wedding. You are the only ones who should be planning it.

I would just have a one on one conversation with her to make sure she is okay. Sounds like things are going on in her life and she doesn't really want to bring it up.

View Quoted Comment I never said she had to be excited. She needs to act positive. A simple smile is ok instead of meh. Don't be in the photo if you can't give a tiny smile. Doesn't have to b a big one, but why ruin a photo moment. Just do the minimal smile to get by.
If the have a problem they need to speak up

View Quoted Comment Yeah idk I only smile when I'm happy. If I get a dress I'm not just going to smile so you can have a picture. Honestly, why do you need that picture? I've been to so many dress appointments without makeup on (I feel bad ruining sample dresses with face makeup) and I don't want the bride taking 1000 pictures.

does anyone ever print those pictures? Like the girls in a clipped dress is not something going in my album.

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Same here. Anything else comes off as fake and you can tell.

I honestly don't understand the need to have all of these photos. Are you really going to put them in an album or a frame?

My fiance's sister is definitely the least interested of my bridal party; it meant a lot to him that she was in it so I'm just trying to focus on everyone else and letting her do her own thing! I definitely wouldn't ask her to step down