Bridesmaid dropped out (vent ish)

I’m a little confused when you said “I wish she would have given it a chance”. Given what a chance? She told you she was having financial issues, and instead of really digging into that and asking her how much she had to spend on a dress you picked a dress that cost at minimum (if buying used) $140. That’s actually a lot of money, even for someone who isn’t struggling financially. Factor that and the money she’d need to travel for your wedding in and maybe she just can’t make it work. I can 100% understand being disappointed in her decision, but I don’t think it’s fair to say she should have given it a chance.

She probably should have declined to be in your party from the start, but she might not have realized the cost at first. I was my best friend’s MOH and I spent so much money (I was also in college so didn’t have a ton of money anyway) that I decided I don’t ever want to be a MOH again. I hope there aren’t any bitter feelings between you two. Get some super cute bestie pics at the wedding with her!

It is 9 months before your wedding, way earlier than BM need to shop for dresses. Would she be better able to do it in June or July? Did you ask, since Davids BM gowns come in usually 2-8 weeks after ordering? And ordering 3-4 months before the wedding is the usual time? Did you ask her budget before dress shopping? Sad when friendships get damaged over the cost of stuff for a wedding.

View Quoted Comment A wedding is super expensive and so is being part of it. I don’t have any bitter feelings but now I feel like our conversation went a bit awkward. I just miss her too !

View Quoted Comment We did go over budget before dress shopping and I offered to buy her dress for her. I think she was feeling more left out since being so far which I totally understand.

And I appreciate everyone’s comments. I was not at all bashing her and saying she was a bad friend . I just wanted to vent.

sometimes it feels like a judgement zone when I know we aren’t trying to make others feel bad

I had a similar thing happen to me. One of my bridesmaids backed out because of financial reasons. What has everyone confused is that she’s still coming to the wedding. She lives in New York and we are getting married in Florida. So basically she can pay for a hotel room and airfare but not a dress. (I did the same as you where I had everyone pick their own dress). I’ve also been friends with her for over a decade. It’s hard but I also don’t want this to ruin our friendship. And as bad as it sounds I was able to replace her.

Hey Katie,

I would wait a day or 2, then give her a call. See what’s really the underlying problem. Let her know you love her whether she decides to be in the wedding or not. Offer to pay for the $60 dress again. Reminder her, that everything looks good on her, she’ll only be in it for a 1 day then can resale it, and she’s doing it for you.
These forums can be tough, I’m sorry you feel judged. I’ve been there.

View Quoted Comment Thanks so much for the comment! We talked extensively yesterday and she was certain she didn’t want to be in the bridal party. I plan to call her tomorrow and talk to her again.

View Quoted Comment I’m in the opposite of you! All my people but one live out of state! My BFF of 33yrs lives in Washington state & has 3 kids 13-7, my niece( FH really) lives in Upstate New York & is a college student, my friend and guide to FH is his secretary of 26yrs lives close in Maryland & then my BFF of 2 yrs lives in MD; close to Virginia.
So I chose her to do the MOH stuff with. And am soooo upset and depressed because of it...

My BFF, of 2yrs, was supposed to be my MOH also.
We had discussed what she was comfortable and not comfortable doing and paying for, and agreed on a set of things for Both lists, “Her cover” & “My cover”, as well as things she would do/cover could she afford to and that list was of if *I* can afford to help out on those things/items I will....

Due to her hooking back up w/her high school “Sweetheart”( who treated her like crap then and broke up w/her bc she was “too fat” & is being controlling/abusive now- even tho he lives 800 miles away! And she hasn’t lost any- NOT being mean just saying as this was a HUGE issue then and don’t see him changing it now!) and now her subsequent marriage to him this Wednesday, and then her moving to St Louis.
As well as my apparently being “the bad guy” for having the balls to call her out on her delusions of it all being great & her and stepkids all being lovey-dovey all the time, she and I got into a text “disagreement” and haven’t spoken, or texted, since Thursday.

She has cancelled on me numerous times, even before FH & I got engaged, ever since she hooked back up with this guy. It could be me driving 30-45 minutes to meet her on her lunch break, her coming to dinner here or wedding stuff- didn’t matter.
I am now doing ALL the 200+ favors, Hotel Bags, decor, food for candy table, etc ALONE.
Fh is NOT happy because this means I am crying Or angry or both most of the time. And that also means HE has to actually be present to do what she was supposed to- at least until a “replacement” can be found.

So, I feel ya....... Maybe call her and ask her what would make Her happy? That you don’t want this to be a “thing” between you two. Wild helping pay for the dress or a ticket out to go to do a fitting, girls day/weekend help? Don’t know financially where either of you are but just a suggestion. Maybe FaceTime her through some of the events? I’m sorry this is going on. And I wish the best for you. I’m close by if you want a cup of tea or coffee and a vent session!

U told her she could make the choice for her dress then u send her a pic of a dress the other 2 picked out and tell her she has to wear it. Yea i would be out too.

View Quoted Comment And then I offered to pay for it. I don’t think it would look right for two girls to wear the same dress and one not to. But that’s your opinion and you’re entitled to it. I appreciate your comment

View Quoted Comment Its doesnt matter if u offered to pay. Its the principle. U went back on ur word. Does that not mean anything?

View Quoted Comment Thank you so much for your kind words ! I appreciate everything you said and I’m sorry you’re going through your situation !

Have you you been able to reach out to her and talk to her about this ?

Nor did u involve her when the dress choices were made. Come on u cant see why this woman is upset?

She was called several times and did not answer the phone. She was FaceTimed when I bought my dress.

Regardless, I don’t need to argue with you about something that I’m not angry about.

Did you ask her her budget? Did you ask her what was goung on in her life that she was more worried about money? You took everyone but her to choose a dress. Did you ask if she could video in? Are you asking them
to pay for anything else? You said being in a wedding is expensive. Yet you should alway alway alway ask your wedding parties budget. Then the only think they Need to pay for is a dress, way to get there gas plane ticket so on. And if they are far a hotel.

View Quoted Comment No one is arguing with u Young Lady. But as brides we must realize when u ask people to participate, its not all about u at that point. U didnt keep ur word or include her so she dropped out. She did nothing wrong, u did and if she means anything to u, u will fix it like mature adults do.

Wow, I didn’t expect such negativity towards your post. Maybe you should have made it clearer how expensive being in your bridal party would be from the beginning, but sometimes we don’t realize these things until later. Honestly, if she doesn’t want to be in your wedding party, she doesn’t have to. You can still involve her as much as you want, keeping her updated or asking opinions on things, so she feels like she’s still part of your day. And I don’t think you’re wrong for changing your mind about the dresses.

View Quoted Comment I am not at a point I can be kind. So no. I don’t know when or if I can either. We have 18mo or so before wedding soooo.... it should be ok either way.