Bridesmaid drama- vent!

Wow! I have a very similar situation going on myself. My fh is very close with his cousin so of course he wanted her in the wedding. Most of the bridal party is my family so I agreed to let her be a bridesmaid. Let's just say, she hasn't attended any bridesmaids meeting, and hasn't given any ideas. I was upset and ma at first; however, right now I have a idgaf attitude. If she doesn't come to the shower or bachelorette party, I won't even mention it to her(I'm sure that's what she wants) and I am not giving her a bridesmaid gift. I also feel that if you agree to be a part of the wedding party, you should at least show some type of consideration and attend the important events.

Yes you are over-reacting. She does not have to attend a bachelorette party (or a shower, or bridesmaid 'meetings', or meet and greets a year before). The only thing bridesmaids have to attend is the wedding. Everything else is optional. She obviously does not feel comfortable going the bachelorette, so just leave it alone and stop being so angry. Have fun with the people who are there.

I think you are slightly over reacting. If she didn't feel comfortable, would you have wanted her there? She would probably be a Debbie downer. Put it in perspective... Of my 7 bridesmaids, only 3 came to my bachelorette party... They all had valid reasons for missing. Of course I was a little bummed, but in the end I understood, and I had an amazing time with the 3 who made it.

I feel like it's perfectly Ok for you to be sad or upset. You feel how you feel. You said you have tried reaching out and you put the location in a place that would be convenient for her. Asking her to talk to you about her feelings isn't asking a lot. Being disappointed or frustrated that she can't attend the party is a normal feeling.... At least to me.

I don't see an issue with her not attending but I do see an issue with her not letting you know.

I don't think you are over reacting. She should have spoken to you about not going, not delivered the message second hand to your bridesmaids. The excuse that she doesn't know anyone is lame. How is she going to feel at your wedding? And the party would give her the opportunity to get to know them. Also, if she isn't comfortable around them, why would she communicate with the other BM's about not going instead of talking to you? Makes no sense at all.

That said, If she can't make it. She can't make it. Nothing you can do. But her reasons for not coming and the way she has communicated this to you is ridiculous.

Can you ask your FH to talk to her? Maybe she'll open to him?

So she's not coming because she doesn't know any of the other bridesmaids, but she told them and not you?

WHAT?

I'm 50/50 on this one. I don't think that you can be angry with her for not attending. Technically, the only thing a BM has to do is show up in the specific dress she's supposed to wear. Everything else is optional ... and if she feels she isn't going to have a good time and doesn't want to go (for whatever reason) she is not a lesser BM because of it.

That being said, you have every right to be upset/sad about the way she has handled telling you (or not telling you). Communication is an important thing and she isn't communicating with you about it. Who is throwing the bachelorette? Did she specifically RSVP to that person? That's really all she HAS to do as well, but as your BM and future family, it would have been nice for her to get in touch with you about it. Though, she might know that it'll upset you and didn't want to deal with that. I don't know -- I think you're right to be unhappy but your expectations of what a BM is supposed to do are a little high.

You're allowed to feel upset, but it's not a big deal. Have fun with your other bridesmaids.

I'm with SunshineJenn - what? If she doesn't know them, why is she telling them and not you? Seems odd. However, she doesn't owe anyone an explanation. She just has to show up at the wedding wearing the right clothes. I'd say you don't want to die on this hill. Just not worth it.

I'm with SunshineJenn... WHAT?

I think there's a little bluffing on her part about not feeling comfortable enough to go due to not knowing anyone, however she was comfortable enough to tell those very people that she isn't going because she's not comfortable going and not knowing them. Obviously she's just honing for attention, yet knew she was wrong enough for it to not bring it to you.

A) Your other BM's shouldn't have even bothered you with this information and instead responded to your FSIL with enticement to actually attend, ideas for her to feel comfortable, etc.

B) You have every reason to react in the way that you are now. Did you go confront her about it? No, you came here for advice. That is not overreacting, at all.

I would have your BM's get to the bottom of it, since they were the ones she told. If she didn't tell you directly (unless she specifically told them to tell you which is completely rude of her and therefore I'd OK you to scream at her) then IMO, her declination of attendance is not valid.

I understand not everyone knowing everyone, OK, that's fine and dandy. However, this isn't elementary school. We aren't switching schools and having to make new friends all over, it's a wedding. And you agreed to be in that wedding party. Suck it up, be cooperative, and stop fretting over the socialization you'll have to do. You could potentially make life-long friends! I welcome any opportunity for that as good friends are a dime a dozen in my book.

Good luck! I hope I wasn't too frank, but really people? She told your BM's, but isn't going because she doesn't know them.... Yeah, right.

I don't see an issue with any of this. You are just suppose to show up for the bach. party so it makes perfect sense why she would tell the other BMs but not you, you're not suppose to be invovled in any of the planning or organization of it.

That is annoying that you went to accomodate her by having the party in her state, only for her not to show up, but I can also understand her. If I didn't know the BM I would feel super awkward going to a bach party and if other plans came up I'd skip the bach. So I can completely understand your BM.

Yes you are over reacting and you need to calm down and just enjoy your bach party. At least you are getting one. Not everyone has that luxury.

I think that's a poor reason to miss out on her FSIL's bachelorette party. She should have at least came up with a good excuse! You're right to be disappointed.

You are allowed to be upset, however you are completely wrong when you say that she is required to attend the party. No she's not. All she has to do is show up on the day of wearing a dress that you picked out (if you did).

There is nothing wrong with her feeling uncomfortable about going...spending the weekend with a group of people that I only know one person (who will be constantly pulled by everyone in different directions that weekend) is not exactly how I would want to spend my weekend either.

Try talking to her (not Facebook and not text) and express to her how much you want her to be there and maybe you can talk about her reasons for not wanting to go. Offer to plan a lunch/dinner/night out with a couple other of your girls so that she doesn't feel so out of the loop and may find someone to bond with (she may not also realize that they all don't know each other well and that can be even more intimidating).

I don't agree with not going because she doesn't know anyone at all... No, no, no. This is a party for you. What's she going to do at the wedding? Get ready in a separate room away from you all? I'm sorry, but I sucked it up for a whole week when I didn't even get along with my MOH's ex-roommate and Bridesmaid. I just simply disliked that girl, and endured an entire 48 hours on the bachelorette trip with her, dinners, and the entire wedding. I think every bridesmaid who has the intention of being involved (which obviously your FSIL agreed to be involved more than just showing up in a dress if you had plans to accommodate the party in her town) should understand that there will be times where you're gonna be uncomfortable. I feel like she does understand this, there is just more story to her declination of attendance. It's obvious there's something more than her just being uncomfortable. Read between the lines, folks.

I agree with DIYBeach.... having an excuse like "I don't know anyone" is horrible for not attending a fun party ... while it isn't a requirement to attend, you should at least have a valid excuse! It's not like she has work or her kid is in a school play or something. She literally has no reason to not attend. I'd be annoyed too.

Actually, my FSIL is also in my wedding party and she didn't know my other two girls. Guess what? She still showed up for my bachelorette party and had a great time. It's not that hard to socialize with a few new people ... aren't we all adults by now?

Maybe have a mixer before hand like a lunch for people to get to know each other. I had not even BMs come to my bachelorette and they didn't know anyone but me. I can see where you would hope she'd come but you can't really be that upset, especially if you haven't done anything to introduce them all.

She probably told your BMs because they organized it. At least I'm assuming. Did you have people RSVP to you or your MOH?

You can feel however you want. I would be disappointed, for sure.

I also have a FSIL who is not a peach. She doesn't really like me but has vaguely accepted me. I don't care what she thinks, though. I extended the olive branch at our engagement party and she ruined it. So, no more fucks shall be given. Why does it matter so much what she thinks? You don't need her approval. Sure its nice when everyone gets along, but that just can't always happen.

I can understand how she feels. Hanging out with a bunch of people i don't know would be a nightmare for me because I'm shy but I agree she should have told you not the people she isn't comfortable around. That makes no sense