Bridesmaid can’t afford anything

I'm pretty sure she knew her finances prior to you asking her to be a bridesmaid so its poor form of her to even say yes. I unfortunately would have to have a talk with her and explain that she can no longer be apart of the bridal party. You already have enough to pay for, I doubt you want to tack on her expenses as well. Aside from monetary reasons, it sucks that she already knows she can't attend the shower or bachelorette party. I understand scheduling conflicts, work, kids etc. However, it just seems like you won't be getting much support from her at all.

Instead of talking about it in terms of the wedding, have you asked her if everything is ok as a friend? Perhaps she fell into a hard financial time but doesn’t know how to tell you. Also, wedding party members aren’t required to attend pre-wedding events. It’s nice if they can, but it no way is it mandatory.

How much is the dress? I would offer to pay for it for her. Also attending pre-wedding events isn’t necessary.

I'd let the bridal shower and the bach party go, but I also don't know your exact situation. Bach parties can be very expensive depending on where they are (particularly if they are destination), but to my knowledge bridal showers are cheaper events that usually involve a brunch at somebody's house.

Maybe you might want to pull your MOH aside (or whoever is coordinating these events) and ask about how much everybody is being expected to put forth for these events. It's possible that they are much more expensive than you think.

On the issue regarding the dress... here's what I'd do. Go to ModCloth or the DB sale section and pick a dress that's $70 or below that would fit your theme. Send her the link. Go, "What about this?" Particularly with at lot of the ModCloth selections, altering would be pretty minimal, if even necessary at all.

If a bridesmaid can't afford a $70 dress, she probably shouldn't be a bridesmaid. It's generally expected that, if nothing else, a bridesmaid will pay for her own dress (at least in the US). This is a very accepted cost. Bach parties and bridal showers are somewhat more of an opt-in.

If there's nothing at ModCloth or DB that will work... well... what is the cheapest dress that you can find that will work? Find that dress. I would say that if you can't find anything under $150, that's somewhat problematic for a person who has proclaimed money issues.

If this BM can't afford the dress (whatever the price), then I'd definitely let her go. You can frame it by going, "I am completely understanding of your financial situation. But surely, it would be very awkward for you to be standing up there with a dress that doesn't match the bridal party at all. I don't want that for you or for me. I'm going to respectfully ask you to sit out of the bridal party, but I would be very happy if you attended as a guest."

Another option is to buy the dress for her, but... she doesn't seem like she's that close of a friend.

And if she's mad... well, as you said, she's not that close of a friend anyway. Frankly, though, she might be relieved.

Kicking her out of the bridal party is a friendship ending move. Are you prepared to destroy a friendship over her not having tons of money to spend? You say you're not that close with her anymore, so I'm curious why you even asked her to be a bridesmaid in the first place.

Did you ask her what her budget was for the dress prior to picking it out? You're supposed to ask your bridesmaids their budget before picking out the dress. If you didn't do that, then it's completely unfair for you to complain about her not being able to afford it.

As far as the shower and bachelorette go, they aren't required. Would it be nice if they could all attend? Sure, but sometimes it's not possible, especially if it may require additional travel or if the plans for these parties are expensive.

My sister went through the same thing when she was getting married. Definitely a tough position. I would say since you’ve already had a conversation with her just let her know that you care about your friendship and making those events and the dress are really important to you. Maybe positio. It to her in a way that you don’t want to add pressure on her and would rather have her there as a guest

HI P! I am sorry you're dealing with this tough situation.

I agree with Kelly, above. Pre-wedding celebrations and things are not technically mandatory. However, regarding the dress and her being a bridesmaid: if you want her as a bridesmaid in your wedding, I would talk to her again about how you're feeling, prior to making any decisions. Expressing that if she is unable to be a bridesmaid, that it is okay but that you need to know one way or the other in order to move forward accordingly, given the timeline.

She does not have to attend events and it is nice to get the bridesmaids budget before picking a dress. Plus I agree have you asked if everything with her is ok?

View Quoted Comment Maybe she list her job or her hour got cut. Maybe she has a sick family member. Maybe. Some emergency cane up. About a million things can happen to affect someone’s budget.

How much is the bridesmaids dress and how much is her friendship worth to you? That would tell you the answer. I don't mean to sound so blunt but it is what it is...Seems like you have to bite the bullet or cut her loose...

Why did you choose a dress out of budget to begin with. You should have chosen something within each of their budgets rather than making her feel bad that she couldn't afford it. That must have been very hard for her to tell you after the fact. As for the parties, it's nice if she can attend but definitely not required and if she's having financial troubles, as a friend I would definitely want her to do the responsible thing and skip them. I would never want someone to put themself further into financial hardship over something so trivial

I would tell her to step down. You guys aren’t that close, so what’s the point of having her as a bridesmaid?

Why did you ask her to be a bridesmaid if you're not close? I read so many posts on here where the bride to be posts that they asked their friend who they no longer talk to/is full of drama/is manipulative and stabs them in the back/etc., to be in their bridal party and is now surprised there's problems. I thought your bridal party was supposed to be your nearest and dearest. Am I missing something??? Anyway, op, it's standard to ask your bridesmaids budget and pick a dress based on that. Did you do that and she's now telling you that she can no longer afford it, or did you pick a dress and tell everyone what they owe? A bachelorette and bridal shower are thrown for you by your bridal party, if they so choose. Usually they work out the budget among themselves. If she's telling you that she can't afford it then it sounds like you planned it. A general rule is to not plan parties for yourself with other people's money.

View Quoted Comment Yes, that is definitely correct. Once you can no longer fulfill the basic needs of being a bridesmaid, I still feel like she should discuss this with P and remove herself from the bridal party or come to a mutual understanding that this isn't the best time to commit to a role which will need her to spend money at some point during the wedding.

View Quoted Comment You assume and reprimand a lot for someone who clearly doesn’t know the facts. So judge mental. First, I asked for their budgets. She never responded to that. Second, of course I’m not plannin my own parties. I have no idea what’s going on with that. They are surprises. All I know is she told me from the beginning she wasn’t gonna go. Third, I asked her because we were very good friends in college and she is now engaged to our officiant. She is part of my close group of friends. What I meant is that compared to the other bridesmaids we aren’t as close.

View Quoted Comment This is exactly how I feel. And I’ve tried to talk to her and tell her that if she can’t afford it, I would love to involve her in some other way. But she really wants to be a bridesmaid because she’s never been one. She’s broke because she has a Job where you don’t make that much money. Either way she was talking about going to thrift stores to look for her dress. Which I don’t find appropriate.

View Quoted Comment So, she told you before anything was ever planned that she couldn't attend? And you say in your own words that you're just not close anymore but you really meant that you re just not close as the other bridesmaids? It sounds like I hit a nerve and now you're backpedaling. Regardless, my point still stands that most of these bridesmaids drama posts could be avoided if people stopped asking people they're no longer close with. So what if you were best friends in college or she's engaged to your officiant? People grow apart and you're not obligated to ask someone to be your bridesmaid just because you were bffs in school. And if you are still close as you claim then pick up the phone and ask her what's going on. She's obviously having money issues.

View Quoted Comment Omg you are not helpful. Yes we aren’t as close before and yes I am not as close with her as the other bridesmaids. This isn’t bridesmaid drama. I care about her and our friendship isn’t going to be lost over this. If you read my posts I did call her and talk to her about this but it didn’t resolve anything. Please stop judging other brides and if you are going to comment at least say something helpful. Let’s spread love and not judgement here ok?

Bridesmaids need not be involved in giving or attending showers or bachelorette parties. Strictly optional. It is helpful when a potential bridesmaid lets the bride know this up front, so they do not have different expectations going in to things. But it is equally ok for a BM to simply not volunteer to help give a shower ( even if rest of BM and MOH volunteer and do one) , and ok to decline to attend if invited. She is fine in all these areas, following standards of etiquette, showing good manners by letting you know at the beginning when you asked her. But wearing any reasonably priced dress is a must, and the seventy dollar range is reasonable, especially when she did not answer when you asked people for their budgets. Unless you want her to come so much, you will pick up the cost of her dress, it is okay to tell her nicely, that while parties are optional, the main requirement is to get the dress, and show up groomed and dressed in the BM clothes, an hour before the wedding. She can do her own hair, but if she cannot buy the dress and wear reasonable choice of shoes with it, then she cannot be in the wedding, but you will send her an invitation when the time comes. That is fine on bride's part. Friend cannot say, I want to be a bridesmaid because I have never been one, and not get a dress as requested.

View Quoted Comment I've come to learn that some friends, whether you're super close or not, have a hard time saying "no". They don't want to feel like they're letting you down or not being a good friend; but it's ok to be realistic sometimes and not pile things on your plate that you can't handle. So if you're not ok with her going to a thrift store (I've actually know people who find great stuff at thrift store btw), not being able to come to the bridal shower or bachelorette (which doesn't always include spending money or bringing a gift), and just not overall able to be the best bridesmaid she can be to you, then you need to tell her that she cannot be a bridesmaid. Or go over a timeline with her on when certain things will need to be purchased by and see if she'd be able to work it out. If you both can't come to common ground, she'll just have to face the facts that she cannot be a bridesmaid. However, like you offered, she can be involved in another aspect of the whole planning process.