Bridesmaid backed out, now what ?

Did you ask what her budget was for the dress? What flexibility was she looking for regarding the dress, hair, and makeup? It's up to you if you decide to continue or end the friendship. She told you 8 months before the wedding and gave valid reasoning as to why she couldn't participate, I don't see a reason why this should end your friendship if you guys are close enough that you wanted her in your wedding.

View Quoted Comment Her budget was $500 and the dress/ everything she needed fell under that. She expected to have a say in what dress I chose so she wanted me to change my decision on the dress. I decided that I wanted everyone to look uniform so I want everyone to get hair and make up done. She rather do her own instead of getting it done.
I think what makes me doubt the friendship is her not being able to just do me the honor of being there for me. I get everyone has priorities and I don’t have a say in hers, but knowing her priorities makes me see how unimportant our friendship is.

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While you do get the final say in the dress, it would be nice to take the BM's opinion into consideration. If you're requiring them to get their hair and makeup done, you are responsible for the cost. If you left it up to them and she chose to get it done, that would be on her. Her only financial responsibility should be the dress. I can understand why she would be a little overwhelmed.

This is a tough one because I think some bride are more keen on the overall look of the wedding versus some bride being more relaxed about it. I understand you have a vision for your wedding and by all means go for it . Not sure why she would think you not choosing the dress option she suggested is not flexible but also maybe she was not included in those small details . You hit it on the nail when you mention you feel hurt she would “not do you the honors of being there for you”, so I think it may be related to her not feeling involved . No need to end a friendship for it . Sounds more like a slight misunderstanding.

If you are requesting she get her hair and makeup done, you should be paying for it.
The dress the BM's should have a say in, though you do make the final decision.

You feel like your friendship isn’t a priority to her, but honestly she probably feels the same way. You want all your BMs to look alike which means that the things you like about them individually aren’t going to shine through at all. She mostly likely feels like she’s just a prop to you.

View Quoted Comment Yup! Hair and makeup is on you. You should probably apologize to her for this breach of etiquette and maybe she will entertain being in the wedding again.

i will say I was in a wedding last year where we all looked like mirror images of each other from shoes to makeup. I sit in the makeup chair and was shocked to learn we all had to get the same look - and I was paying!!! So so rude for the bride to tell the artist not to deviate from the ‘look’. I’m a grown woman I know what I like and should have control over my face. With hair no one was allowed to have their hair up we all had to have the same blow out and it was so hot all I wanted was an updo.

In short, the wedding party is likely full of adults, let them do their thing and loosen Up the reigns.

View Quoted Comment Are you paying for all of their hair and makeup? That’s something that if you are expecting them to have, you should pay for.

As far as the “meaning” of being a part of a wedding, a bridesmaid or maid of honor are people who you would be honored to have stand by you on an important day, as they have stood by you throughout life. While you are allowed to have things that you want, you also want to be respectful of their tastes, what they’re comfortable with, and their budget. She may have given you a budget for what she can afford, not to limit you but just as a way of letting you know there is a chance she might not be able to be a bridesmaid due to finances. You want to make sure that even though you have ideas of what you want your wedding to look like, you don’t accidentally change dear friends into props

View Quoted Comment This. So much this.

Rarely does a single hairstyle look good on every head. I'm having flashbacks to dance team and color guard competions, and trying to get everyone's hair into the same braided style. No one looked their best, but they all kind of matched.

Let your friends/family style themselves (with or without professional help) in a way they as individuals feel best.

View Quoted Comment I guess I'm more laid back on things. I'm paying for my bridal party to have their makeup done, my MOH politely declined. I'm not mad, lol. If she doesn't want her makeup done for her, I'm not going to make her. She's a grown woman and do her own just fine 🤷‍♀️

View Quoted Comment I know I just posted something like 30 seconds ago so I doubt that you have had the chance to read it yet, but from what I’ve learned and have seen the bridal party are people YOU would be honored to have standing with you on such a important occasion, not necessarily the other way around.

Think about it this way: you are inviting them to a place/position of honor. Granted, I’m sure they are very honored to be wanted as bridesmaids by you. But always try to keep that in mind when planning. If a dress is out of budget or makes someone extremely uncomfortable, take that into consideration. Try not to look at it as them being difficult, but think of it as the possibility of making a dear friend not feeling her best when she’ll be paying (possibly a lot of money) to wear that in front of everyone on your wedding. While you are the bride and you do have the final say, try to take everything into consideration for your friends

We had a friend back out of my fiances side. Months after saying yes, BM said she didnt know if she would "be a good bridesmaid" bc she couldnt attend the shower and bachlorette party here in PA. When FW said both were being held in Chicago (where they are both from and BM currently lives) she just said she doesnt want to let her down and she cant wait to see her at the wedding (in PA). It definitely hurt and seemed like she had made up the excuse and gave no other. I think it hurt their relationship mostly because it seemed to be a big fib.

If you really value your friendship with her, communicate. I know it sucks bc my FW didnt do this but tell her youre hurt and her youve tried to resolve any issue she had so ask if there is something more?

I know this isn't the greatest thing to hear, but maybe she doesn't feel close enough to you to spend time and money on being apart of your special day. It sounds like she had the right budget and could pay for things, but when it comes down to it she didn't feel that it was worth it to spend the money if she wouldn't be happy with the dress, hair and makeup, felt uncomfortable not knowing the other girls. I actually think her stepping down might be better for your friendship, because it could re-patch in the future. One of my bridesmaids was in a wedding party where the bride made them all buy the same $240 dress, then they HAD to get hair and makeup done a certain way, and the bridesmaid wasn't "allowed" to get anymore tattoos. She wasn't happy or comfortable but she listened to the brides demands (the bride was also pretty nasty to the bridesmaids). When the wedding was over my friend was a lot less close with the bride because she started to see the bride as a selfish person. I've let my bridesmaids pick whatever dress they want within certain criteria, I'm paying for one service (hair or makeup) for everyone and they can choose if they want the second one done and they can do their hair and makeup however they like. My bridesmaid that was in the other wedding is so grateful. Honestly, having people look a specific way wasn't worth upsetting my closest friends. My bridesmaids aren't models, they're my friends who have their own personalities, and insecurities. I wanted everyone to feel good about themselves.

I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong, I'm just saying to be careful of how much you want your friends to conform to a certain vision. Just don't lose sight of whether or not they feel comfortable.

If it comes down mostly to financials, why don't u ask her to be a reader or an attendant at you ceremony? That way, she's still included, but there's not as much financial pressure or need to be involved in all the bridesmaid duties

If you decide on that, let her know upfront what is required (If you go the attendant route, she's basically your personal assistant on wedding day--which can be fun or a b!th job, it all depends on how needy the bride is). A reader typically joins the procession and wedding party, but they dont have to get the bridesmaid dress and hair/makeup

My MOH completely ghosted me. Haven't heard from her since November. She was my best friend and I'm pretty sure there was a misunderstanding about something I said but I don't know 100%. My now-MOH and I were just talking about it this morning, actually. I was tempted to contact her and find out what the heck happened but decided it was probably better to leave it alone. I'm sorry this happened to you and I hope it doesn't harm your friendship

View Quoted Comment Thank you for your feed back... especially the part of taking everything in consideration

I appreciate everyone’s feed back!!! Definitely a lot to think about and I was glad to see different perspectives.

It's sad when a friend backs out of standing up. Don't let it change your friendship! If you can repair the bridesmaid part of this, great, if not, I want to focus on you saying that she's "not do[ing] you the honors of being there for you". I don't think you should look at it this way. Her and everyone attending is doing the honor of being there for you. Everyone is supporting you in the best way they can/ know how. It's unfortunate she can't do it as a bridesmaid, but I do like the idea of letting her be involved another way such as being a reader etc. She's supporting you the best way SHE knows how. It's unfortunate it's not how you want, but that's life and relationships!

View Quoted Comment My pleasure 😊 I understand that it can be frustrating and there are lots of formalities to go around with weddings, if we all take a step back and are willing to gently help each other, it ends up being the best for everyone involved and we all learn for future reference!