Bridal shower guests paying to attend

Since when is jewelry a shower gift anyway?

View Quoted Comment Since traditional showers are not only to provide for the bride's new family home, but for her trousseau, clothing including fine lingerie, nightgowns, and sometimes small jewelry items are fine. But expensive jewelry items traditionally only come from older relatives ( or godmothers, mentors) passing on heirlooms. Three bridesmaids splitting the cost of a pair of earings is one thing, not unusual. But any single item like a bracelet, that is so costly every shower guest contributes, is simply inappropriate. Only the groom, or older relatives , should give statement jewelry to brides.

View Quoted Comment

A trousseau is not something brides today need. Almost none are coming directly from their parents' home into their own place and have been working and providing for their own personal needs for a long time. A Tiffany bracelet is something that ought to be coming from her new husband, her parents, or maybe the bridesmaids. Certainly they shouldn't be demanding it of shower guests.

View Quoted Comment That is a matter of personal circumstances. As I said above, I agree no big jewelry is appropriate as a shower gift , cost collected from many guests. But lots of brides still come from achingly poor homes, or no homes at all, after years bouncing around in foster care or youth services that bounces them at age 18, or end of high school. Some from poor homes pay support to help younger brothers and sisters, or poor or disabled grandparents, parents who raised them, as they start work. And may be working through college or vocational training while supporting themselves, as scholarships can be hard to get if they are smart and work hard, but have attended 5-10 schools, all erratically, from 7th grade to 12, often in bad schools, through no fault of their own. They score poorly on tests. In your social class, maybe all parents support their kids through high school. Maybe they own more than 4 set of clothes, and work for above minimum wages, and never reach out to help or raise younger brothers and sisters. Or never are abused women who leave behind everything they have to escape a bad marriage, maybe with children. But there certainly are many women who come to marriage for whom a few nice nightgowns, some nice quality lingerie including foundations for their wedding gown, will be the only nice things they have going in to marriage, received from friends at showers. And a single $60 pair of earrings or necklace from a shower may be the only one they own of actual jewelry. All the brides on here who can afford yo give 5 little gifts to multiple bridesmaids, and go on three day trips with every WP they are in, and need nothing for a new home, are not the old type of people on here. Some really do need a traditional trousseau, Tiffany bracelets, no. But some small jewelry to go with an inexpensive wedding dress, is a nice shower gift for people who have nothing, but have been self supporting , and managed to pay for their own schooling. So consider that Wedding Wire is not just for people comfortably off, who have all basic household and clothing needs taken care of. .

View Quoted Comment

Huge post to say you disagree, but ok. And please, go right ahead and presume to know my "social class;" you don't have a clue. I've never owned a piece of "good" jewelry in my life; the most expensive piece I've ever had was a $45 opal ring that had to be sold for groceries. I did leave an abusive marriage taking a 3 year old along with my 8 months pregnant self. I hid my ex's gun the morning my sister came to pick us up while he was out. My Mom got as far as the 10th grade before having to leave school to help out at home. We (mom and the three of us kids) lived with my grandfather because she escaped an abusive marriage. My family has ALWAYS scrimped and saved for the basics for generations and mine now isn't any different. In these cases, the basics are even more important for a shower, not jewelry and fancy lingerie.

Nope. I would not attend a bridal shower where I had to pay.

I would and I have, but I think it depends on the situation. If you are very close to the bride to be, I would opt to attend as others have suggested, but decline on the group gift. I’ve attended quite a few bridal and baby showers that were pay your own way, but it was always within reason (as in, they worked out to roughly what I’d pay for a gift anyway, but that’s just me personally). But, group gifts shouldn’t be mandatory and their annoyance seems suspicious. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were going to “take a cut” for themselves to recover whatever they spent on the shower. A friend was telling me she’s in a bridal party where the mother of the bride is throwing the shower at a reception hall and intends to charge guests over $100 just to attend, not including gifts. It’s going to be a buffet with no alcohol and guests will be encouraged to bring their own dessert. The bridal party is begging the mother to reconsider, but she won’t budge. Even I think that’s out of line as someone who’s paid to attend these events before, lol.

View Quoted Comment I was sorry to miss the event due to an unexpected cold that I didn't want to transfer to everyone attending 😁

That is appalling. Guests should NEVER be charged to attend a shower. A shower is a hosted event by those who offered to host it. If these girls could not afford the high tea for all guests, they should have scaled down the even to something they COULD afford. Finger foods and cake in someone's home is completely appropriate and affordable. Also, a group gift should never be mandatory. It can be presented as an *option* for guests if they would like to contribute.

View Quoted Comment So I think if you really care about the bride than you pay however much it is (if you can). The bride and groom are probably already paying a lot of money to host you at their wedding so you should shower her at her bridal shower.

I know of showers where all chipped in for one gift. But first, everyone knew in advance. And second, they were all showers where none of the people were attending the wedding. None giving other gifts. Co-workers, members of a club, neighbors, usually some cohesive small group not of close friends D's or family, and the sum collected, one to twenty dollars, includes a low budget for party food, like a cake and punch, and the majority for a gift or two from the group. With people close to the bride, friends and family invited to the wedding, whose shower gifts might range $50-200, or something handmade, or a refinished antique, or major gift, the party is always hosted, the planners are the hostess, and they pay for it. And they have the size party they can afford, in a place they can afford, without ever collecting any money from guests. If that means brownies and ice cream, and coffee, in someone's family room for a maximum of 12, that is what they do. If more people want a shower, they can give an additional one that hostess or hostess group can afford. This kind of shower, sometimes the hostesses call people to invite them ( may follow with an invitation) and let it be known that some people want to go in on a few large gifts. Then each guest chooses, to buy their own, or go in on one of the small group gifts. Each giver makes the choice, not the hostess. So there will be some individual gifts and some from small groups at the same party. I had one shower from my neighbors and friends s in the small town I grew up in, $5 limit or something they produced per guest. So some individuals gave a spice, or their farm maple syrup, or honey, or hazelnuts. Other groups of 3 spent $15 for 2 pounds pistachios or bakers chocolate, or 2 people bought a liqueur. But each of 4 hostesses baked something, and the 5th did coffee and tea. And at my FMIL, 10 or hubby's aunts, only 2 I had ever met, and 6 coming to the wedding, people not in the close friends or family category, gave me a wall mirror worth about $100. A few niece's gave me a set of nature books. My 3 BM, guest since they lived near MIL, gave individual gifts, and some other went together, 4 got an armchair, 3 a matching hassock. But MIL gave each an option. No telling them what to get. And no collection for food, or drink. She fed 30 people a meal, and the other 30 aunts and cousins all came by to meet me, some with a card, some had contributed to a gift. All could have had the meal, but open house style, just came when they could. I have been part of giving over a hundred bridal or baby showers, and been just a guest at well over a hundred more. In many states, and several countries. I have never heard of charging guests for the venue, food or drink, for a hosted shower ( not held at work, or a club meeting place as their shower ). I have never heard of hostesses determining a single gift all must contribute to, without their having a choice, and being told, some others are looking for someone to share the cost of a large, expensive gift , or you can select your own gift. Unfortunately I have heard of some MOH, brides, and MOB deciding to host, and planning, and trying to make bridal party pay, never having had the chance to help plan. But every time, the bridal party, sometimes including me, said, you can't do that. We won't do it. And they didn't. A lot of people do not seem to know what it means to host a party. Nor do they have a sense that you see what hostesses can afford, then plan accordingly. On here, and from some brides and MOH, I keep hearing, well the bride wants ____, or I want it for my daughter, or my friend. And it costs____. So we have to come up with the money to do it. That is backwards.

View Quoted Comment The bride and groom can spend $100 or $50,000 on a group of 10, 40, or 200 guests. That has absolutely nothing at all to do with gifts given to them. You are not paying your meal ticket. And long tradition, social etiquette, is that the giver chooses the gift. And the amount spent is determined by your budget ( the giver) , a d how much the person means to you. Guests who are a sister or best friend of a bride, may spend $100-200 each on a shower. And a coworker who once a year sees the bride outside work, is likely to give something worth $25. Why would anyone think it okay that all guests, some family or BFF, some distant relatives or friends in a club, some rich and some struggling, should all contribute the same amount, to a gift and party they had absolutely no choice in? That is being charged for admission to a party, being presented with a bill. And is nothing at all like any thing generally socially acceptable..
If these are what you think is ok behavior , then we'll before your own wedding, you might want to go to a library, or a used book store. And get a real etiquette book. And learn the ideas behind, what is considered socially acceptable. Because people get really offended when told they must purchase or pay for a gift not of their choosing, or out of their budget. It is considered quite rude to require a specific gift from anyone, to anyone. Or for a guest to ever pay for things at a hosted shower.

View Quoted Comment Actually I already got married. I didn’t need a registry because having them there celebrating was enough for me. So I didn’t need expensive things nor any gifts. If they wanted to then they could come celebrate they weren’t forced. Every person I invited (60) came, had a a great time and no one complained

View Quoted Comment I did not realize this was an old post someone brought up. I usually check dates. But there is always the choice of doing a social party, no gifts expected so not a shower, whether you call it a luncheon or tea or other party name. As you did. I just don't understand why some people think it is fine to come up with a party, plan on the guests paying for it and a gift the planner chose. And some people who don't like it will still say, I suppose I ought to, because they are paying so much for the wedding ... When they should say, no. I am all for parties. Just not ones where one person makes all the plans and bills the guests. Yours sounds like a nice time