Bridal Shower & Family Drama

Oh no!!! People have a way of making everything about them when it comes to weddings... it's absolutely absurd. I'm sorry this is happening Are you amendment on having a shower? Personally, my family and FH's family being in the same place gives me anxiety so I'd rather not have one at all

View Quoted Comment I didn’t really even want the formal wedding, but we were pushed into it. I would prefer no shower, but I think my FMIL really wants one (she has said that she wants to make sure we get gifts, which don’t really matter to me).

The hostess canceled, the shower is canceled. It’s rude to throw a shower for yourself. Unless someone else offers to host, I would let it go.

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I would honestly leave it up to her if she really wants you to have one. Don't stress yourself out over something that you could take or leave

If she canceled the shower then it is canceled. If your FMIL still wants to plan one for that side of the family, maybe she can include the ones from the other side as well so it is still a joint shower but if not, then you shouldn't plan one for yourself.

View Quoted Comment I wasn’t planning on planning a shower for myself.


I’m more frustrated that after 4 months of my saying no to her she did it anyways then took it away.
It’s rude on her end to take this away from my bridesmaids and others who were willing to do it the way that would be what I would enjoy.
They are happy to plan it, I’m just frustrated that she doesn’t understand why I’m upset.

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Oh trust me, I get it. My MIL did the same thing. After months of me declining her I finally gave in only to have her change everything last minute to only be inviting her friends. Friends that I didn't know, that don't know me, weren't invited to the wedding....just for the purpose of them giving us gifts. I again declined and let her know I would not be attending. It is frustrating. Weddings make people crazy lol

I would suggest that you can still throw your own shower and just go against what etiquette dictates. However maybe instead of a bridal shower just have a little Bridal brunch. That way you can tell gas that no gifts are expected just their company and you can honestly just get a bunch of party trays from Sam's Club or Costco to feed everybody. However although you should not be the one to tell her maybe your future mother-in-law would be interested in hosting the shower. What about your mother?

If you've been forced to compromise on other aspects of your wedding, you shouldn't be forced into having a shower if you don't want to. It sounds like everyone is getting their big showy moment at your wedding - that should be enough.

Also you can let your FMIL know that you'll get gifts - regardless of whether or not you have a shower, and regardless of whether or not you want them. There's literally no way you'll have a formal wedding of any significant size and not get any gifts at all whatsoever.

Etiquette aside, I'd personally have zero interest in planning my own shower at all (I don't want a shower, so that's part of it, but also planning a wedding is enough without having to plan all the sub-events that go along with it). If there are people willing and able to throw you the type of shower you want, go for it, but otherwise don't feel like it's something else you have to do for yourself.

I agree with the previous poster. If you really want a shower then maybe someone else can host it for you even if you help them with the planning and the money aspect of it. But if you don't want a shower then don't have one. I know that if someone offers to host a shower for me I don't necessarily want a shower as my FHA and I have been living together for about 4 years and I don't need household appliances but I would just want a bridal shower brunch where people just come and hang out and celebrate my upcoming day. A bridal shower that I went two years ago was genius. The bride loved cooking and loves recipes and so basically it was a potluck bridal shower. Instead of gifts everyone was asked to bring a dish to share along with the recipe. I'm thinking of doing something like that.

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If your FMIL really wants you to have a party to receive gifts then i would ask her to help you plan it. it wasn't in your plans and you're busy with the wedding. i'm sure she will have no problem helping.

Some people think that just doing something for you to be "nice" should just be accepted and agreed to. You have wants and needs - this is your day - not anyone else's (other than your FH). If she was unwilling to switch the plans (with no effort on her part considering your FMIL would have footed the extra costs and the extra invites), and the party was not what you wanted, it was 100% your right to tell her what you wanted. She was upset about it, clearly, but at least you were honest and put your foot down! I'd try to repair the relationship if it's worth it to you, but don't feel bad about being honest and putting your foot down. Like I said, it's your day! You can't please everyone. Good luck!

Hmmm I find this tricky. I know my bridal shower is only one side of the family, so I don't think it is too abnormal to have been offered a shower only hosting a certain side of the family. So I wouldn't fault her on that. However, you aren't wrong to want a larger group of family at the shower but unfortunately when someone offers to host you an event, it is kind of hands off. Mine is a high tea and that is super not my vibe but I am graciously accepting and allowing my hosts to lead the event. After all, I am not paying for it.


I get why you are frustrated but I think you are overwhelmed with family taking over the main event. That kind of frustration can quickly trickle down to the other events. You should have never allowed them to push you into a big wedding. That sets the stage for everything else. It is hard to please everyone and your wedding day is your day. So the shower is a no go but can you still take back your wedding?

I personally don’t agree with the “the host cancelled, so the shower is cancelled” mentality. I get that it might be “etiquette” but I also think that’s fairly outdated. While the point of showers may have been to give gifts, to me the point is to celebrate the beginning of weddings. I would ask someone to help you plan, and find a place together.

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Thank you! I agree too. I can see how showers are to be hosted by someone else but not sure why it rude for the bride to host her own. It is not rude for us to host birthday parties where typically a gift is customary for the birthday person but that is just me. I would say if ultimately you do not want one then do not do one but if you feel that you should still have one because invites went out I would work with your FMIL and maybe mom to plan it. Now my bitter self would have probably told grandma that her invite is cancelled since she cancelled the bridal shower lol....do not actually do that...I only would have in my head but I do agree it would be nice to sit with grandma and talk the situation out so there are no hard feelings because her heart was in the right place but how she ended it was not.

Oh wow. I am sorry to hear that.

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Genuinely curious - why is it rude to throw one for yourself? What if you're the only member of your community who can afford it or the only one with space to host? What if you're type-A and would be more comfortable having that control? Who is it "rude" to?

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I don't know how to properly explain why it's rude to throw yourself a party that's only purpose is to give you gifts, I feel that's basic manners.

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Ah, okay. We come from different customs/expectations then. My community/showers I've attended involve no gifts and the whole purpose is to introduce the two sides of the family. I can see how others might not be inclined to facilitate if that's not your expectation of what a shower is.

OMG!! that is madness!! that is very nice of fmil to offer the overage... I wish your grandmother would have ok'd this... maybe see if she is still willing to pay for her side and maybe you can pay for your side if you would still like one