Break off engagement? Help!

A lot of people will tell you to just stick it out, but since I’m commenting first I’m going to give my opinion. If you’re unhappy, you should leave. Or at least take a break, like you said. Sometimes a break can make men see things differently. Please don’t feel pressured to continue to be miserable, esp since you’ve tried to go to therapy and he seems uninterested in improving the relationship. I’ve broken an engagement before and I’m so glad I did. I found somebody who I’m a million times happier with.

I would bring up counseling again, emphasizing the importance to your relationship’s success. It sounds like he either isn’t aware of how strongly you feel about all of this or he really is brushing it off. Either way, you need to address this further before committing to each other long term!

Try counselling! You don't want to get into something you're not happy with. Correct me if I'm wrong, but your fiance seems slightly.. I don't know, clueless? I'm not sure if I'm using the right term here. If you feel like this now, and you're not even wed, it's going to get worse. Definitely try to work it out and try to see where he is coming from too. If it cannot get resolved, break it off. It would probably be for the best. I am sorry you are going through this.

I would definitely put the wedding on hold. If he won't go to counseling with you, go by yourself. There are MANY red flags here that need to be addressed before you get married. A divorce with be much more difficult and expensive than calling off an engagement/cancelling a wedding. Do not ignore your feelings; until they are addressed and you feel differently, I'd definitely take some times to figure things out. Good luck to you!

To me your finance seems overwhelmed with it all. My first masters required me to be in lab 80+ hours a week, plus my job, meant I barely slept. I couldn't have done anything else - put another person first in any way much less wedding plan - if I even wanted to. My second masters (in teaching) was an absolute joke in workload compared to my other degree and really I get annoyed when I think that in the eyes of schooling they are considered 'equal' degrees. Depending on the degree he is getting - it might just be all too much. I would take a step back from everything and try to find a time to talk with him about it again.

In the end, if you are unhappy though, you need to get counseling to figure out if it the right time. Relationships are as much about timing as anything else and right now might not be the right time.

"I know all of his previous exes cheated on him and now I'm starting to understand why. "

This is a pretty awful thing to say. It speaks to how frustrated you are that you'd ohrase it like that. Overall, you sound really unhappy with the relationship and with him. It doesn't seem fair to go ahead and marry someone when you're so unhappy.

I know when I was in grad school I wouldn't have been able to be fully present in a relationship and I've gone through times where medication has affected my libido significantly. Now years past those scenarios I'm very different in a relationship that I was under those circumstances.

I'd sit down and try and evaluate if it's circumstantial/situational or if you'll be likely in the same boat years down the road.

Even without reading your reasons, if you're even thinking of postponing the wedding then you should.

After reading your reasons, it seems like you're pretty unhappy and you know what you should do. Maybe postponing the wedding would even be helpful to your relationship. There is clearly a lot going on with you two right now and putting the brakes on the wedding might alleviate some stress. Not to mention that IMO no one should ever take out a loan for a wedding - so if the wedding is not affordable right now that's yet another reason to postpone.

The fact that you guys have such different schedules and don't even sleep in the same bed has got to be a big part of why you guys feel disconnected both sexually and emotionally.

If I were you I'd put the wedding on hold and really impress upon FH the importance of working on your relationship if you guys actually do want it to work. Counseling may be very helpful to you guys.

Also, grad school is super busy not to mention combining that with a full time job. My husband is in the process of finishing his masters degree with a full time job and it can be really tough on him. Keep in mind that this is not forever and once he graduates and gets a job in his desired field then then that could greatly alleviate the stress on him and in turn, you as a couple.

I don’t think you and your FH are on the same page at all. It seems like you’re placing a lot of blame on him when his day-to-day seems like it’s a bit stressful which may be contributing to some of these problems, in addition to being on different schedules. I think counseling would really help, and if it doesn’t, then you may want to cancel your wedding. You both need to make this relationship work, and not just because you want to have a wedding and marriage, but because you’re in love and you want to spend your lives together. Maybe you need to take a step back and evaluate everything. You may think things are wrong and stressful now and could change later on, but I would rather postpone the wedding now than go through a divorce later if things don’t work out. Good luck!

If you are unhappy and considering cheating, you should absolutely put the wedding on hold. Tell him that counseling in non-negotiable for you, regardless of the cost.

His parents are not obligated to pay for anything. If they don't offer, he shouldn't ask. Are you and your fiance contributing at all? Why are your parents going to have to take out a loan?

As a grad student myself, you are 100% right. It is important to us (my husband and I) that I put myself 100% into my schooling since we are spending $45,000 on my master's degree. It is pretty selfish to think that he should blow off his program to spend more time with you. I don't neglect my husband, but right now we only have Sunday's to spend together because I am at work, school, or doing my internship the other 6 days of the week. We both know this is temporary and we are excited for it to be over, but he does not see it as offensive or neglectful because he knows how important this is.

It sounds like he is incredibly over stressed and depressed and instead of trying to help you are only focusing on how this affects you. Someone once told me marriage is not 50/50, it’s 100%. That means when his tank is on zero you’re there to fill it and vice versa. Wedding planning is stressful and hard and I can’t imagine trying to do it while getting a masters degree and working. I think counseling is a great idea but he sounds like he’s too stressed to even consider adding another thing to his list. Maybe you should try to find out what his love language is, physical (non sexual) touch, quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, gift giving/receiving, finding out what makes him feel loved and appreciated can do a lot for a person. If it’s quality time, maybe you get up or stay up a little later to spend an hour together, if it’s acts of service maybe pack him a lunch or simply asking if he needs any help that day would go along way. Words of affirmation, maybe write him a letter telling him how much you love and appreciate him and how proud you are of him trying to better himself and your future. If it’s gift giving, pick him up his favorite food or a trinket you saw in the store just bc it reminded you of him, it doesn’t need to be costful. Another huge thing is greeting each other positively when you get home, get in the habit of smiling and immediately giving the other person a hug or a kiss before you just jump into all the things you need to tell each other. Asking how his day went is a great way to show you care and creates a path to help him open up naturally without you having to ask what’s wrong. Helping him to get out of the stress burnout he’s in by making him feel loved and supported will allow him to be able to be more receptive to your needs as well. I hope everything works out the way it should

You sound like you've made your decision.

Do not continue with the wedding.. not worth it.
He's clearly under a lot of stress... But you're both in two different places.
Your marriage should not start of like this! You need to be able to understand each other.

I don't think that you necessarily need to break off the engagement at this point, but I would definitely at least postpone the wedding. And if you want to go stay with your folks for a week or so, that's probably a good idea.

As others here have said, your SO is probably insanely busy right now. I do know several people who have tackled a master's while trying to work and it is a LOT, particularly if he's working full-time. This also could be affecting his sex drive. And he's probably not that interested in the wedding since he's working and studying so much. I mean, frankly, if I were in that position I would be putting the wedding on the backburner as well.

I know he said that he definitely doesn't want to postpone the wedding, but if I were you I'd make an executive decision. Essentially, "we're not getting married until you are done with your degree."

When he's done with the degree, I assume he'll be able to get a job that more matches your schedule (and as you're a school teacher and work a typical "day shift," this shouldn't be that difficult in most fields). Once this is accomplished, then if you're still having sexual issues or he doesn't seem to be listening to you, then you definitely need counseling.

But, I mean, this assumes that you want to wait around for this long. I have no idea how far along he is in his degree. But, yeah, I think marriage is definitely not a good idea at this point in time. It may be later, depending on how your SO rebounds from this situation, but it's certainly not a good idea right now.

Relationships, especially when involving high stress jobs and then bringing school into the mix, will be tough on both sides. Honestly, most people will say, go to counseling but your fiancé already shut that down and said he basically wasn’t interested. He doesn’t seem interested, he’s not making effort to make you happy or comfortable, he’s not doing anything to reassure you that everything is okay and that it’s just stress. That’s the true difference, if he was doing all those things then there wouldn’t be any problems. It could get better with time, but usually when someone loses interest and you aren’t even in their priority list, that doesn’t change. Please try and regain some strength and leave. You aren’t happy, he’s not happy, do what you think is best for yourself.

There are a lot of little underlying issues here and it doesn't seem that it's gone well trying to discuss it together. Communication - while not always the be all end all is very important and it sounds like you two hardly have the time to have good communication about what you're feeling.

If I were you, I would tell him that I need to have counseling before we move forward with planning the wedding. If he brings up the cost again just consider the cost of not addressing these issues and what that may mean in a marriage. He may not have the energy to recognize them right now but if you are already feeling like you may want to cancel the wedding and these issues aren't addressed they will only grow. A marriage is not something to enter with large doubts or questions.

It seems like a lot of your concerns could be easily addressed and it just means the time/energy of putting in to your relationship in counseling (since you've tried to have the conversations alone and don't feel they are working).

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While this is good advice, I would try the counseling conversation again, unless you are really just done at this point. He didn't say he wasn't interested... he said it is expensive. Which it is. Couple's counseling isn't typically covered by insurance. It is not cheap. He may be concerned about it and that is fair. There are free or low cost options if you have a university in your area that trains marriage and family therapists or you may be able to find a sliding scale to make the fee cheaper.

Hi Taylor! You received some great advice and feedback here in this thread.

I agree with the previous comments: bringing up going to counseling again and emphasizing the importance to your relationship’s success. He may not understand the weight of how strongly you feel about all of this just yet but talking it out, having a heart-to-heart about it, will help you both know how to proceed, with long term in mind.

Getting married does not just consist of putting a ring on it and done, you have to work on it every day and find new ways to bring excitement into your relationship. When you move in together levels of intimacy can change because you went from not being together every day to sharing a home/bed even if only at night. FH and I used to be like bunnies, lol, but our schedules are radically different, I work M-F 9-530 and he works Tues-Sat 3pm-11pm. by the time he gets home I am sleeping for work the next day and Sundays are the only days we are together all day so we take advantage and go on dates and spend time alone together. But we're still very intimate and I wait for him every Thursday night since Fridays are my last days of the week. I mean we both have to put in the effort, honestly it sounds like you guys may have just drifted apart, or maybe he did. It is not fair to you to be the only one trying without any intent on his end. Maybe you need to have the talk with him and put it all on the line, you definitely don't deserve to be on the back burner. I am curious as to what he is going to school for? I know certain career paths especially at the end of your schooling require you to be very involved and may cause a lot of stress not to mention he is probably in debt for that or is currently paying it. I am not giving him an excuse but just happen to know first hand how draining it was for me when I was in school. Take a good look at where you are at in your relationship, sometimes even though it hurts us most we need to take a step back and really look at how our lives are and if we are really happy with the way things are going and how they'll go.

It sounds like you have already made your decision. I don't think counseling would help at this point (nor do I ever to be honest. Most of my friends who did counseling ended divorcing soon after), and your happiness is what's most important. If you're already feeling like this, I honestly don't see the marriage turning out for the best. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but I would end it completely if I were in your situation. I very much agree with Peggy. Find someone who makes you unbelievably happy instead of trying to hope for the best. You'll know when you find that kind of love!

A friend who works in risk assessment gave me this sage piece of advice: when you have doubt, there is no doubt. Meaning that if you’re unsure about wanting to go through with the wedding, then it’s certainly not the right time.