L
Just Said Yes June 2020

Boundaries with future mil

Laura, on September 2, 2019 at 10:28 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 9
Saved Save
Reply
Hi everyone. I’m wondering if any past or current bride has advice for setting boundaries with the future MIL. While I think and hope it comes from a good place, she interjects a lot of her (sometimes negative) comments in to conversations and it makes me uncomfortable. Things like the location, how we address our save the dates, how some people might not show up because it’s a summer wedding, etc. My fiancé has done his best to shoot it down when it happens. For reference, my fiancé’s parents are paying for and organizing the rehearsal dinner and newlywed breakfast. My mom is paying for the wedding. It’s a sore subject as my Dad passed away suddenly a few years ago so my Mom is doing this alone with the added stress of not having her husband by her side at her only daughters wedding. I know there is some level of stress bound to happen with all of this but most of it comes from my future MIL and I’d like to know how best to deal with it and approach it. Appreciate any and all help!

9 Comments

  • Andrea
    VIP April 2020
    Andrea ·
    • Flag

    In my opinion the best way to deal with in-law trouble (since I've been dealing with FMIL issues as well) is have your FH deal with it. There's only so much we can convey without things becoming uncomfortable and perhaps volatile. Any time I would speak up to my FMIL, she'd cry and moan about it to my FH. Then he'd have to explain why her behavior was unsavory and that she needs to correct it. I found that the best way is to maintain boundaries. Some ways might include:

    1. Don't talk to her about the wedding. Limit details and be vague in the information you provide.

    2. If she questions decisions you and FH has made and chooses to interject her ideas, lightly shut it down. "That's nice of you to suggest, but FH and I are sticking with what we've chosen."

    Perhaps she's just really excited and is trying to input all the information she can think of, but is doing it in an annoying, pestering manner that she may not be catching on to. I'm not quite sure of your situation, but it doesn't really seem she is trying to be malicious or hijack your wedding, unless you feel like it's coming from a negative place.

    I'd have your FH tell her that while he appreciates her input, you guys have got most aspects under control, and that if her advice is needed, she would be asked at that time. Wishing you the best!

    • Reply
  • Cher Horowitz
    Rockstar December 2019
    Cher Horowitz ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Andrea absolutely nailed it!

    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    Your FI should tell his mom straight out: you are all trying to respect her decisions about the rehearsal dinner and the breakfast, without direct or indirect critical comments. And she needs to show the same courtesy to the bride's mother, and B and G. Say that repeatedly she has spoken out of turn, and quite frankly her own son is getting angry at her, and is highly embarrassed by her. He needs to tell her, straight out, STOP IT . It is rude to criticize other's efforts. The wedding is not hers to plan. She is a guest, and would not criticize any other host and hostess's judgement before an event - I hope- and you two will not tolerate such blatant disrespect now, or after you are married. He has tried being nice, he has tried answering every criticism, and she is not listening. This time he needs to be blunt. It every job, move, pregnancy, child care and feeding, discipline, moral choice if your wedding will have her disagreeable commentary from the back seat. You are a couple. You make decisions. Sometimes you will do things with FMIL, but not your mother. Sometime, like the wedding, with your mom, not FMIL. She needs to know your life is not a posting on social media. You will ask for an opinion if you want it. Otherwise she needs to mind her own business about the wedding. My first MIL was a nightmare. Luckily I am blessed this time around. But we had to face down FMIL for our first wedding, and I am very happy my then FI had the gumption to do it. I would have questioned whether or not to go on and marry him, if he had not stopped her in her tracks. Always niceness first. But at some point her son needs to just stop her.
    • Reply
  • Denise
    Super September 2019
    Denise ·
    • Flag

    I told my FH that even though I'm joining his family that it's his job to handle his parents the way he expects me to handle mine. Telling her no comes across better from him than it does from me.

    • Reply
  • Lara
    Devoted October 2019
    Lara ·
    • Flag

    Dont include her in the conversation. Answer a direct question (or say you haven't figured it out yet).

    I was doing fine with my FMIL until she went nuts one day. Had to cut her out and tell her we want approval on the rest of what she is planning . (She is doing the rehearsal dinner). FH is your best weapon.

    She might be paying, but it's still your wedding. We ended up taking the brunch away from her because she was being so ridiculous.

    Sorry. Hope it gets better. Just dont let her have power over your emotions.

    • Reply
  • L
    Just Said Yes June 2020
    Laura ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Wow, thank you so much for this. Really insightful but kind, so I appreciate it. I am limiting my details as much as possible with the "I want it to be a great surprise for everyone as best as I can" while also maintaining my ground. I don't want a show and I think that's what she cares about. Thank you again!

    • Reply
  • Naikesha
    Expert September 2020
    Naikesha ·
    • Flag

    Hope all that great advice helps but limiting information seems like the best start probably wont be the ending solution but also try not to let her get to you, or adapt my phrase that we really appreciate all your help but we truly want this wedding to reflect our vision so we are trying to stay as close to our plans as possible.

    • Reply
  • Andrea
    VIP April 2020
    Andrea ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    No problem!! I am really sorry you're having to go through this. I know things will get better for you and your FH!Smiley heart

    • Reply
  • L
    Just Said Yes June 2020
    Laura ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    I think that's an excellent way to handle it and I really appreciate that. Funny thing is my Mom is so lax and fun about all of this and I guess I anticipated it being more stressful from her side but she's as go with the flow as I am. Thank you again!

    • Reply

Comment on this discussion

×