Booting a bridesmaid

Did you initially tell her she would be able to pick her dress as long as it matches length, color, and material? Did you also ask for budgets? Remember she is your friend first and booting her may ruin your relationship. I know I have had a falling out with someone because she didn't express her wishes and then tired to get me to buy my own flowers for a bouquet and things over my budget as a BM.

Maybe sit down and see what's going on in her life first?

Did you ask budgets ahead of time?

Are you requiring a certain type of shoe?

Most importantly, are you willing to destroy a friendship over a dress and shoes?

View Quoted Comment Elizabeth- she never mentioned a budget until she started her shenanigans with my sil this evening. She stated that she told me that she is doing a cruise in Europe and can’t do anything until she gets back. The initial talk had been to have different styles but when 3 of 4 ended up in the same dress I said this is the dress it’s on sale for 30 or 40 bucks off. I reached out to her a few weeks back when she said she bought a dress on her own after we picked the style. I said I know that your not in the position you thought you would be in expecting to get a job she didn’t get, but if it’s to much I understand. I feel that if you say yes to being a bridesmaid you know that you will buy a dress and shoes and you may not like it but it’s someone you care about and it’s there day and you would hope they’d do the same. I know I’ve paid 180 for a bridesmaids dress to wear once , but it was my friend and it made her happy. So to spend 110 isn’t out of this world. I am stepping on eggshells on making sure everything isn’t crazy expensive bc I know people don’t have a ton of money and it can be a challenge

View Quoted Comment I stated dresses would be no more then 150, and when looking at footwear was trying to stay at 25ish. So I found shoes this weekend was going to buy for my girls to help them out. So dresses came to 110

I say sit down with her and find out what is going on and why she is talking about you like that. Maybe something more is going on that she hasn't told you about. But if you want her out then tell her the truth, you don't appreciate how she has been talking about you and the bridal party is for the ones who have my back and support me.

Have you considered telling her that this is the dress and these are the shoes the bridesmaids are wearing. If that doesn't work for you, you are welcome to attend as a guest?

That way you are not booting her, she is making the choice.

View Quoted Comment Muriel- that has been a thought, several weeks back I told her I understand her concern of finances and if she felt it was to much I would understand. So I can try the this is the way or you can attend.

View Quoted Comment Wait you dictated their budget to them?

You do realize it should be the other way around, right?

$110 isn't always within the realm of budget for every single person...

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I’m looking at Bridesmaids dresses currently. I like a few that are around $120... however it’s NOT my place to make the budget for my BMs. They make the budget. They tell me what they can afford. My MOH doesn’t care about price, my BM is worried, and can’t afford more than $60, she said $100 if she really had to. I offered to help because it’s my sister and her being there is important to me.

You don’t make the budget or tell them want they can afford. If she’s not working, why would you expect her to be able to afford $135 for dress and shoes??? Her telling your SIL that you’re hot listening to what SHE can afford, isn’t trash talking you. It’s the truth... you’re not listening to what she is saying or what SHE can afford. You didn’t ask for budget, you assumed it. Now you’re mad because she’s reaching out to another bridesmaid for help and such regarding the dress... you said she could pick her dresss, how you want a specific dress that is out of her budget...Had you asked for budget ahead of time, like it’s supposed to be done, or let her choose her dress like originally decided upon, none of this would be happening..

So she didn’t get a job she thought she’d get and you’re still asking her to spend $150+ including alterations?
that’s not how it works.
If you’re requiring specific shoes you need to pay for them for everyone. Otherwise just say “nude shoes” and let everyone do what they want.
She’s not the one in the wrong.

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This ^^^^^

View Quoted Comment This is the point I was getting at initially. If I had been told I could pick any dress (within the color wanted) I would flip a bit at being told that I don't get to pick my own dress anymore. Having a budget decided for me (even if it is within the realm of possibly being what I would feel comfortable spending) isn't something that I appreciate. Every wedding I have been part of so far has asked me what I felt would be okay to spend on a dress/shoes and not be told $XXX is what will be spent on a dress. So I don't disagree with your BM being upset because you have changed things from what was initially agreed upon.

The way I see it, it is your wedding. If the majority of the girls decided on a dress they like, then majority wins.

With me, most of my bridesmaids attended dress shopping except for one. They all liked a dress except that one girl. One of my BMs told her "you didn't come to see the dresses when the bride made x amount of appointments you came to none, we all made a decision and we all loved the dress".

In the end of the day it is your wedding. I know some people here may not like my answer but it is true. It is your wedding and if the majority of your girls like a dress, then that wins.

If that's the dress everyone is wearing, and those are the shoes everyone is wearing, she can either wear them or choose to be a guest.

The same situation happened to me (while I was between jobs, no less) and I sucked it up and bought the dress I didn't like because everyone else ended up deciding to get the same one. We were all supposed to pick our own, went shopping together, and they all chose a dress I hated and I was the odd one out.

Should the bride take everyone's budgets into account? Sure, but she doesn't HAVE to, and it was the other BMs that ended up picking the dress anyway. I scraped together the money for a dress I didn't like and got it (without complaining) because that's what you do for one of your best friends for their wedding. And you DON'T whine about it to her FSIL or anyone else who'll listen.

I mean, if she doesn’t have the dress or the shoes, then she can be a guest.

Why are you requiring shoes? No one is going to care about your BM’s feet, especially if they’re wearing long dresses. Personally, if you’re requiring a certain kind of shoe, you need to pay for it. I love shoes, I have a million pairs. If my friend was a bride and told me to buy a new pair for her wedding when I have another pair in the same color AND know that literally no one will see my shoes, I would be pissed.

Also, you should have asked her what her budget was when you asked her to be a bridesmaid. Not everyone can afford the same things and not everyone can just spend $150 on a dress and shoes they’re never going to wear again.

I agree with her it’s not fair you dictated what dress and shoes she needs to buy without asking her what her budget was. It sounds like you’re not listening to her and when she voiced her concerns, all you said was, “if it’s too much, don’t be a bridesmaid.” She’s probably hurt and then your FSIL reached out to her about purchasing the items out of her budget so of course, she’s frustrated and she’s going to say something if you’re not actually listening to her.

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Exactly this.

You ask them their budget first.

Then the fact that you told everyone that it needed to match fabric, color and length is ok, but the fact that that changes once all other bridesmaids picked the same dress (which I am sorry but does not sounds like a coincidence) is wrong, you had made a decision and the bridesmaid bought a dress following your initial decision, to change now and ask her to change the dress because the plan to is to be very same dress for everyone is pretty unfair.

If you require shoes, you pay for them. If you require hair and makeup professionally done, you pay for them too. the Only thing a person is required to buy when in a wedding party, is the dress, and that goes back to item 1, they should have been asked about budget.

I think you should sit back and rethink this, if you feel like ending a friendship for the reasons above, I don't think you are doing rightly so.

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"One of my BMs told her "you didn't come to see the dresses when the bride made x amount of appointments you came to none, we all made a decision and we all loved the dress".--- So how would you handle BMs in different cities? Or different schedules? just say, " Oh well sucks, you should have been here?" Not everyone can get together at the same time. It's virtually impossible for me to get my MOH, and BMs together dress shopping. I'm not going to be nasty or rude to them because they all couldn't attend it at the same exact time....

"They all liked a dress except that one girl"--- did she not feel comfortable in it? Did anyone care why she didn't like it? My MOH and BMs have different body types... the same dress isn't going to look good on all of them.

"It is your wedding and if the majority of your girls like a dress, then that wins."-- This isn't always a majority wins thing. The BMs should feel comfortable in the dress. If they feel self conscious, or don't like it, why force them to wear it?? That's not right... That's not really being a good friend, or even caring about them.

"In the end of the day it is your wedding."--- you realize it's the groom's wedding as well, right? Just because i'm getting married doesn't mean I can treat family and friends like props and order them to do what I want or kick them to the curb...

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All of my bridesmaids live in state except one that lives out of the country. The one out of the country agreed with all the other girls about the dress and she also loved it. The girl that didn't like the dress said she didn't mind what the dress was like, she could do strapless, straps, one strap, whatever everyone liked before we got the dress.

We made different appointments and she just didn't come to any. One time she told me she would be there and I called her to check on her status and make sure everything was okay and she flat out said to me "Honestly I'm just lazy and don't feel like going" I said to her okay that's fine rest up, no problem.

But if everyone loved the dress except one person, why would I change the dress that everyone picked except her. It was the color ALL OF THEM picked and the style ALL OF THEM picked on the group chat. I told her if she has time it'll be great for her to try it on. But I personally wanted the girls to have the same dress. Just like other brides here have done same dresses and others mismatching. Everyone has a personal preference

and yes I realized its the groom's day too. But he's focusing on his groomsmen and the girls focus on the girls.

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I agree with this. I picked a dress for my girls. I originally told them XYZ is what will need to be paid for and you are looking at $$$ for the total amount for everything. If this is not within what you can afford I understand and will not be hurt if you decide to step down and they all agreed to it. My dresses were $170 but I kept sending them coupons so they were like $140 and I told the girls they could pick any black shoe and the my maid and matron I bought them hot pink shoes. I only had one bm complain and we are no longer friends because our weddings tore us apart and thats fine with me

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I told my bridesmaids silver shoes with straps, same dress and they all looked for their dress. I will probably have my made of honor wear different color heels since her dress will be a different color. not sure yet.