BM & MOH Duties/Roles

I was a MOH and I didn't do any of those things. I supported her the day of and let her pick my dress and shoes. I don't think a place of honor should come with so much financial responsibility. I don't have a MOH and instead have 2 BM's. They are not throwing me any parties. My Aunt offered to throw the shower and another friend offered to throw a bachelorette. I would have been fine without either.

Ooh she looked it up on websites guys and the websites affirmed her beliefs to treat her friends like glitter covered slaves! Then she must be right!

Hannah, no one is saying you shouldn't do those things when you're MOH. But you will be *choosing* to do them. It's the difference between choice on the part of the wedding party and expectation / entitlement of the bride. There is a very clear difference. No one here is saying the WP can't or shouldn't offer to throw parties or help the bride. The key word is offer.

I've asked nothing from my bridesmaids, except to buy a dress and show up. Oh, and could they please wear the nude shoes of their choice. They already have to stay in hotels for two nights, and in the case of 1 BM, manage both her children and prepare them to participate in the wedding as well. I felt bad even inviting them to showers hosted by others because the shortest drive for them is an hour.

I have hosted three showers for people that I was not in the bridal party for, mostly because their bridal parties weren't doing it and I wanted them to have one. It's definitely not expected in my area, but it is common. I think when one agrees to be part of a bridal party, they know of certain societal/traditional expectations of them. Depending on the person, they will try to meet those expectations or not. None of my bridesmaids are hosting any parties for me, except the bachelorette, and I'm fine with it. They all have their own lives, jobs, and responsibilities. I would never expect them to put those on hold to "celebrate" me.

Thank you @Private, I just texted my Ladies to make sure they know they are appreciated. Its not that I expect anything, things were already done for me, and Im theeeee most appreciative and have been showering them back as much as well. Im not some Greedy Entitled Attention Hungry 'Princess' how everyone is making it seem lol

My question was to see what others felt this role took on (partly because Im now a MOH and after my wedding the planning begins and wanted to see if I was missing anything), and it took a left turn somewhere.

There's a difference between having expected duties and your bridal party planning events and joining you while shopping if they are able to. When people say they are "responsibilities" it gives the connotation that it is necessary and if they don't do it then they are a bad friend/family. WW just tells brides that this is not how it should be. Your MOH will do those things if she can and is willing like you seem to be OP.

OKAY - so its totally FINE if a MOH or BM assumes these responsibilities and offer to do these things for your.

what is NOT okay - is a BRIDE assuming that her friends are going to do so if they have not willingly offered.

If you WANT to do these things for your friend - that is great!!! But it should not be expected, nor is it required by any means

Lol you guys realize Im now the MOH right? Im asking for me? Not for what my MoH has or hasnt done?

Thanks @Chip! Yes, I want to do these things and more if there is more I can do

@OP you said " I actually went to several sites looking this info up found a lot of interesting reads all which affirm my thoughts"

...I can go to several sites and find info that says birth control makes women "unattractive and crazy," that getting an abortion leads to 100% infertility, and that 9-11 and Sandy Hook are government conspired. That doesn't make any of that true...

You said yourself, you went searching for websites that "affirm your thoughts."

I can agree with you that in my social circle there is an "expectation" of hosting bachelorette and bridal shower for the bride to be. But what the girls are saying here is that you aren't entitled to it. For example, I'm in a bridal party for a wedding in July. One of the girls just had a baby, and another is a mother of 4 and doesn't have a ton of extra funds. Both of them said from the beginning they would only be able to host one event, not both. The bride's mother and aunt are hosting the bridal shower. And the bridal party all agreed that they could host a bachelorette party.

If the mother and aunt didn't want to host, we would still be in a situation where the bridal party couldn't host both events. And that is OK. The bride is super happy for whatever we are planning to host.

For my BIL's wedding, the bride's MOH demanded $500 per bridesmaid for the bridal shower from each bridesmaid. He has 2 sisters so they together had to put in $1000, which they didn't have so his mother had to cover part of their portion. It cost them so much that they weren't able to attend the bachelorette party planned, and they got sh*t for it.

Every one is just saying don't be entitled, no one is owed a party held in their honor.

ETA: I know you are asking about what your duties are as MOH - the same rules apply. If you have the funds to host, go ahead. But don't expect the other bridesmaids to owe you money, they will let you know what they can pitch in, if anything.

I'm not asking or expecting my bridal party to do anything. I'm an adult and can function on my own......trust me no one is more excited for you for the wedding.

@Brieliz Touche and I agree on your points. $500 is very Steep to ask of a bridal party up front. Obviously there are going to be situations in every group. Im not saying Im owed anything, I was asking what everyones thoughts on this was because how Ive grown up it wasnt such a stigma in having these parties thrown for you. I, myself, didnt expect to have such good friends and family that went ahead and did all this planning and continue to plan for Us because it isnt just Me. Im most humbled by them if anything.

I want to be able to be the best Maid/Matron of Honor. I want to come to my Bride to Be and take off her load and not Her have to come to me to tell me, ask of me to do minor or major things.

I can just hear the wedding industry say "Cha Ching!!!" It's all about the money these days. Weddings have become so over the top. The parties, the gifts, the rings, the honeymoons. Over the top. The media wants you to believe you HAVE to have all these things. You really don't.

Nobody is going to look back in 20 years and say "Remember when I got to pay for your nails and throw you a party? That was the best!" LOL!

To answer your question I've been a MOH once and BM 3 times. When I was a MOH I was beyond excited to throw my Bride her shower and bachelorette. She has a super supportive family and the first to get married so all of the parties were taken over by them. I was disappointed because I did feel it was "my responsibility" to do those things. It was great though! I was in college and lets face it, broke. Another one of my friends didn't have either. I offered since her MOH wasn't communicating with any of us but she declined. Now that I'm a bride I'm lucky enough to have an over excited MOB thats already planning the bachelorette and bridal shower. Best of luck and remember to have fun!

Thank you @Chelsea! Best of luck to you as well! & We def have loads lol its been a riot planning, but I am ready for the day after the wedding to be able to relax some lol before the next wedding planning begins!

I think what is being missed is the expectation part- this shouldn't be expected- so many of them do plan these things, but should they be asked to do it - no way- they need to offer it- the bride should never ask their bm to do this- the sites may list all kinds of 'duties' but still up to them-

Do you believe everything you read on the internet?

@Karen I dont always, and it depends on the source, but when I look for inspiration on Wedding sites, like WW, the Knot, etc and there giving me info based on what they believe a role is for a BM, then yes I am going to take note.

again nothing is Expected. I havent been asked of anything.

Best of luck to you on your Wedding! I see we share a Month <3

Well, if your thoughts were already confirmed, why did you ask?

Stay relatively sober, buy a dress, show up.

That's really it.

I agree; the industry that I am periodically mortified to connected to will tell you there need to be giant themed showers, multiple day bachelorette parties and a host of other expensive, profitable (to them) events that are over the top, unnecessary and (of course) money sucks. Other people on social media post photos of their extravagant pre wedding events that leave everyone with FOMO. Wedding sites are sucking for content, so of course they're going to tell you there are duties and responsibilities. Because then they can write about that.... see how that works?

It's just dumb. Ideally, someone will think to throw you a shower and help you with that giant dress in the bathroom, but that's all that's necessary. Or should be expected.

@Celia, I looked up the information after everyone had their input. Thanks for your peace I get it. Its just how I grew up watching my aunts and mother be there for each other and for their friends etc. Not so much about the media.

& I actually want everyone to be intoxicated and having an amazing time

Obligations: show up on time in specified attire.

Frequently seen "roles": MOH holds brides bouquet while the ring exchange is happening. MOH adjusts bride's train for pictures.

MOH and BM (best man, not bridesmaid) sign the marriage certificate as witnesses.

Optional tasks that are nice but extra: planning showers, bachelorette parties, going dress shopping.

It comes down to this: anything beyond showing up in the agreed-upon attire is extra. Extra does not mean there is a "stigma" around it. I don't think I have ever once heard or read anyone speaking ill of a bride for receiving a nice shower/bachelorette party/whatever, nor have I ever once heard or read anyone speaking ill of a member of the bridal party for doing these things.

These are NICE things to do. If you want to throw a bridal shower, and your friend wants to receive a bridal shower, that's awesome! If you want to help with something for the wedding, and your friend wants help with something for the wedding, that's awesome! But you don't HAVE to offer, and your friend doesn't HAVE to accept. You are not a bad MOH if you don't have the money or the interest in doing these things.

Duties and responsibilities are things that MUST be done. There are no duties or responsibilities beyond showing up in the dress and walking/standing in the ceremony as directed. There is a huge difference between "duties" and "nice things people often do." For example, I like to give my friends thoughtful gifts during the holidays. I can do that. It is a nice thing to give presents. There is no stigma associated with giving or receiving holiday gifts. In fact, it is pretty common to give and receive gifts during the holiday season. But that doesn't mean it is my DUTY or my RESPONSIBILITY to give these presents. I am not failing in my friendship duties if I decide not to give gifts. It is nice but not required. Just like the extra stuff a bridesmaid/MOH may decide to do.