Big Painful Questions: Brother and Alcohol

....

Last week, I called him and asked if he knew what the situation is. He said that by the end of the week, so last week, he would know if he was in the program or not and would call me and give me an answer one way or another. He didn’t. I didn’t call him either, I guess the stress of the wedding and work is so overwhelming. I don’t know. My older sister called me today and said this:

He has been accepted into a 6 month program. He was told to show up on Tuesday for a meeting with them. He didn’t show. (This is so typical.) She also said that he has been talking about wanting to come to the wedding recently. (This is kind of a change of tune.) And she believes he will likely try to use it as a reason to not go in to rehab. I’m... I don’t really have the right words for the emotion, I guess. Sorrow, devastation, fear, anger, impatience, but all rolled into one. Sorrow- I can’t lose him, it brings back all the repeated hopes I had for my dad’s recovery that were constantly dashed, sorrow for his lack of will power and fight. Devastation and fear for many of the same reasons. Anger that he may use our wedding as an excuse to not take responsibility for his life. Impatience because this has been going on for so long and I hate not hoping, it feels like I’m not being supportive, but to be crushed when all our hopes for change are let down.

I’m considering having my sister cancel his plane ticket. He doesn’t have the money to buy a new one. Essentially, uninviting him. At her wedding he got out of control and the cops had to be called. As we’ve talked about on this forum, it’s no one’s job to babysit him, yet it will happen anyway. And if no one does... I don’t want him to ruin the wedding either. I don’t want him to embarrass himself or me or hurt anyone or himself. Tempers of the hottest degree run in the men of my paternal family. So yeah, “he’s an adult, he can make his own decisions” except he is an addict who can’t/won’t be responsible.

What do I do? I plan on calling him tomorrow. I think I have to. I’ve never ever told him what I think of his problems. I’ve always told him to put his health, physical and mental and emotional, before anything else and I’ve meant it. He says he will and then doesn’t. But I think I need to tell him he can’t use this wedding as an out or an excuse and that I expect him to try to fight for a better life.

Also, he was invited because he is my brother. And I didn’t know how bad it was when I sent things out. (I’m generally the last to know because I didn’t grow up in the same state with my siblings.)I guess I never considered not inviting him. I love him dearly.

And the whole, GM thing? I don’t care if we have a lopsided wedding. And at this point he probably can’t get a tux in time AND he would probably prefer to sit with the other guests because he is kind of shy.

What do I do? Tell him not to come? Make my sisters or, rather, my brother in laws bear the burden of watching to make sure he doesn’t drink? I don’t want him to hate me but I also don’t want him to be arrested or get hurt. And now I’m on the verge of crying again. Great.

I really have no advice to offer but I can offer you internet hugs. So -hugs- I hope someone will have some advice for you.

It sounds like his addiction is something that is a topic that comes up often in conversations between you, him, and the family. Like it doesn't seem that he would lash out if you brought up his treatment. You could try to broach the subject with him and say, though your wedding is a very special day, it would mean more to you for him to enter treatment, to know that he's on his way to recovery so he can continue to celebrate your marriage and life with you. Tell him how much you care for him, and need to see him healthy and happy, and how difficult it would be for you to lose him like you did your father. Be open with him emotionally. I don't know what other information to give you, as I haven't been in a similar situation. Ultimately, treatment is what he needs and what will help him in the long run. Even if he is upset at first, after he completes treatment I think he will feel quite different and grateful to have a caring sister like you.

I'm very sorry that this is happening to you. I have a lot of experience with this, and my first suggestion is that you and your family check out support groups for loved ones of addicts. There are pitfalls that well-meaning friends and family fall into when dealing with an addict, and oftentimes, the addiction affects the health of the whole family.

Secondly, I would personally strongly advise that your sister cancel his plane ticket. I know you love him, but an addict will not be able to handle himself properly in an environment when booze is readily available, no matter how many baby-sitters he has. He is an expert at finding a way to use. Talking to him (probably) won't help, because he already knows that he is wrong and may want to stop, but if he is not recovering, he does not have the tools to do so. Everything, including his family, is secondary to the drug.

Purchasing a ticket for him could be walking the line toward enabling him. If I were you, I would cancel it.

Sarcastic bride has excellent advice. My brother was an alcoholic and addict. I did his eulogy. I had other alcoholics in my very close family that are gone now too.

Please please please check out support groups. Your family needs to learn all about enabling and how to not let it happen. it is hard.

I would call him and say (not ask) "So, you got accepted into the rehab program, that's great." Then he will BS around and come up with the excuses why he is not going to go to rehab. Then YOU tell him that until he goes to and completes this program he is not welcome to your wedding or your home. He needs to NOT come to your wedding and that plane ticket needs to be cancelled.

Anything you do say you need to follow through and so does the rest of your family. Tell him it's rehab and when he finishes the program you want to see him. I wish I had recognized and been tougher with my brother. He was my big brother and my hero and I believed anything he told me until he was so far down the path it was too late.

Be tough, do not let him attend your wedding when he has been accepted to a 6 month program. It isn't easy to get into those and if he is going to throw that away it isn't going to be because he attended your wedding.

I wish you all the very best and I wish your brother a road to recovery that he will do his best to stay on.

Agreeing with all the others. He shouldn't come until he shows he has the power to control himself. The 6 month program sounds like a good start and a measurable way to see how he's doing.

Relationships are a 2 way street. You're doing your part but he isn't. And your wedding - your 1 special day - shouldn't suffer because of him.

I don't have anything to add to the good advice above, but wanted to say I'm sending positive vibes your way.

I am not you, nor your brother, nor an addict, but I feel there's so much to consider. I actually have known a heroin addict and he never changes....even after he broke into my house and got arrested, spent 6 months in jail he's still the same trouble maker just without the heroin but alcohol and weed. Anyways... There's so much to consider, if you don't invite him he could possibly pull the whole "guilt trip" thing on you to make you feel bad which will add stress to you. If you do invite in it'll just add the stress of knowing he will need a baby sitter at your wedding. Addiction is a never ending round fight. Most addicts are unreliable when it come to making that change, they forget all that matters to them but their addiction. Uninviting him though may not be his wakeup call, and could probably depress him and send him on a drinking spree. But if you do invite him, absolutely no alcohol at your wedding and make sure he has no alcohol anywhere in his reach the whole wedding. You can't be supportive of an addict if you're serving alcohol. But there's also that chance that you're wedding, being surrounded by loved ones could possibly open his eyes. Your situation is a very hard one to consider. Follow what you feel in your heart. Make sure your brother knows you love him more than anything regardless of your decision. Sorry if nothing I said helped, and for an addict, sometimes the best thing to do is personally drive them to a rehab, and walk through that door with them. From what I've seen addiction is something you can't fight alone, he's gonna need you so I hope you stand by his side in every step of the way.

I wish I had some advice for you but I think the other ladies said it well. Make sure he knows you love him and draw a line in the sand. Big hugs!

Standing by every step of the way can't include enabling. It gets to the point where you have to make them choose sobriety and family/friends, or drugs/alcohol/being alone. She should NOT fall into a trap of feeling guilty for not inviting him. He needs to pay consequences for his actions and blowing off a 6 month program, using her wedding as the excuse should not be acceptable at all.

Unfortunately, I don't have much more to offer than what has already been said, There's been a lot of great advice here. I'm so incredibly sorry that you and your family are going through this and that you lost your dad. I have an addict in the family who we've been trying to get into rehab and it's been an unending struggle and nothing but excuses from this person as to why "right now isn't a good time to go into rehab because blah blah blah."

With addicts, there will never be a good time for them. There will always be excuses. I agree that having a talk with him first is a good idea. Let him know that you love him so much and would love for him to be at your wedding but that you care more about his well-being and that the best wedding gift he could give you is to go into this program and start on his road to recovery. Hopefully, he will take that to heart. If there are only more excuses, I would let him know you're going to have his plane ticket cancelled. I do think allowing him to come to the wedding will only further enable him.

Meanwhile, have you tried reaching out to a family support group? My family has received a lot of help through Al-Anon.

I wish you all the best. Hugs.

I watched a good friend die from addiction, I've a close family

Member that has a huge problem with alcohol. You telling him not to come to the wedding will not change this situation - if he is using it as an excuse for not going to rehab he will just find another excuse. Addict have to genuinely want to recover and honestly it doesn't sound like he is at that point.

By all means uninvite him if you think the cops will have to be called but in the name of pushing him to rehab I think your wasting your time.

You could always tell him if your wedding means that much to him will he not drink that night and see how much weight your wedding carries for him

His health come before your wedding. He needs to take care of himself and you need to show tough love

Thank you all for the advice. I have a lot to mull over and morning has kinda helped me compartmentalize a little better. Everyone here is so nice. Thank you

Agree with the other PP's he needs to go to this rehab facility and get the help he needs. The ticket should be cancelled and you need to let him know that as his sister you want him to go to the treatment center and not attend your wedding.

Best of luck to you as you figure out your next steps. I also agree with what has been posted here.

You didn't ask for this advice, and it's worth exactly what you're paying for it, but please go check out al-anon. It's for the loved ones of alcoholics, and meeting others who have been through what you've been through may help you sort out your anger and frustration. Just a thought.

All of the others are right. My FH has a sibling in your brother's situation...so sorry about your dad (hugs)

I absolutely second Zoe's suggestion of seeking the advice and fellowship of an alanon meeting. Its difficult enough to understand addiction when you are not an addict, let alone when you are trying to manage an addict's behavior when you are under your own stressors. Just remember to remind yourself that addiction is a disease which causes a type of selfishness that you can not control. Until your brother decides that he is willing to address his sobriety as a malady that only he has control of, he will not be able to keep promises and you won't be able to hold him to any either. I truly understand your anguish and I can only send you the comfort of knowing that you are not alone

I really can't offer anything the others haven't already said and don't have much experience with this kind of thing, but I can also offer Internet hugs!!!