shayandbae
Devoted June 2019

Big Day is Friday & ultimate Drama!

shayandbae, on June 24, 2019 at 10:48 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 20
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I’m just so overwhelmed so this will be a long one. Sooo my vow renewal is Friday and so much is falling apart with people I love. My best friend/MOH is having financial issues, and she is the only one standing by my side (wasn’t going to do a bridal party at all bc of burdening my guests with tasks but she insisted I could count on her). She also is having childcare issues (21+ event) and she’s breastfeeding so she can’t detach. Won’t leave baby with dad in her hometown 3 hours away for selfish reasons. She is blaming me for not allowing kids to come, yet she still has the financial piece to worry about. She couldn’t afford to get a dress either so she’s wearing a hand me down from another event, totally fine but I wasted a lot of time approving dresses and setting up for her to get her makeup done. She can’t come to the makeup trial bc of her baby situation and I’m not sure what to tell her but I really don’t wanna be a burden to her by asking her to be there for me.

My favorite cousin from 12+ hours away is traveling alone (I initially gave her two “plus ones” bc she doesn’t drive and venue is far from my hometown where our family lives). She didn’t disclose that she wasn’t secure financially to come and keep her hotel that she reserved until today, and just booked an almost $500 flight to stay from Thurs-Sun a few days ago. I found her a cheaper flight but she waited til literally a week before the event to book... Now she’s blaming me because she can’t stay with my in laws (whom have never met her) and she doesn’t have money to stay in the hotel. She could stay with family, but I won’t be there and she isn’t close with them. Yet she doesn’t want me to pay for her hotel and now doesn’t want to come or stay on our pull out couch in our hotel suite bc she feels like she’s ruining my day and invading my privacy.

Also, other family members are inviting themselves after all final counts are in and all monies are paid... I will have security but I just don’t get it how ppl could be so insensitive of my wishes for having a 21+, RSVP only event.

Is it normal for all this to hit the fan the week of the event? I’m just baffled, and don’t wanna sound insensitive because they’ve already put money towards coming, but don’t have money to follow thru. Plz help! Any advice is welcomed.

20 Comments

  • Melle
    Master June 2019
    Melle ·
    I'm so sorry to hear of your stress. It happens I remember feeling like oh my god why are people so annoying as it would get closer to the wedding date.
    You sound gracious for trying to help your cousin in her situation.
    Breathe! You've offered help and different solutions and it's just not good enough for people. I do kind of understand your MOH situation in that it sounds like it would be hard to leave the baby. But no one has to blame one another.
    Everything will come together! Just breathe and take a break to compose yourself.
  • CDickman
    VIP September 2019
    CDickman ·
    I have never heard of a bridesmaids doing a make up trail. As for her baby she is breast feeding and not all women are able to pump.
    As for your cousin I am sorry. Air B n b are cheaper then hotels. Also if she has a few days before wedding she can try to get on a flight last minute they offer discounts but you have to be willing to chance the flight may be booked.
  • shayandbae
    Devoted June 2019
    shayandbae ·
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    I totally understand my MOH situation, and I’ve told her that a bunch of times but she still feels like she has to go broke to make it. Even when I vent to her outside of what’s going on she doesn’t respond. I think she’s checked out and just doesn’t want to tell me.

    Thanks for reading all that and being a listening ear. 💕 great advice, I appreciate it.
  • shayandbae
    Devoted June 2019
    shayandbae ·
    View Quoted Comment
    I just wanted her to be there to give me a second opinion since I have no one else. She is highly capable of pumping so just doesn’t trust the dad with the baby alone.
    My cousins already booked her expensive flight and it’s non refundable. But I will look at an air bnb for her, I totally forgot about that! Thank you so much 🥰❤️❤️
  • Danielle
    Rockstar June 2019
    Danielle ·

    I think this is where you "let it go." Tell them that you would love to have them there, but understand if they can't make it. Then move on and don't bother yourself with it anymore or stress over it. Enjoy the people that can make it. I know it'd be disappointing if these VIPs of yours aren't there, but at this point, what can you do? You have enough to worry about without having to worry about them.

  • darcy
    Devoted June 2019
    darcy ·

    So the Thursday before our wedding things started to get REALLY crazy. It was just as bunch of small things. I hated my nails, work was going crazy (even though I was off), my father in law and his brother took my husband out and they were gone all day until 10pm, vendors blowing me up, the port a potty arriving at my friends home (the venue) a full day before they were supposed to.


    Then the morning of the wedding more things went wrong. Like, my MOH accidentally breaking my heirloom pearls. Just all sort of snafu's. BUT you know what? The day was PERFECT. I couldn't have asked for more. In fact the morning of I was strangely calm. People kept coming to me with issues and I was like, I don't care, just fix it if you can, if not, no biggie lol.


    Things WILL calm down and you will have an amazing day!

  • Tina
    Super August 2019
    Tina ·
    View Quoted Comment

    I would have to agree with this. Hard to just let go but that is really the only thing you can do that will keep you calm and not let others situations impact your day. There will be plenty of people that you know and love at your day and it will all come together the way its meant to. As far as the others inviting themselves at the end...IKR. I don't know what to say to that but it happens and I am so glad you will have security there. Hope it is amazing. Post pics! Congrats and don't stress (easier said than done)

  • Gen
    Rockstar June 2019
    Gen ·

    Is it normal for things to hit the fan? Yes. Absolutely. You need to remove yourself from the middle of all this drama. Take 3 deep breaths, and after me: "I am only responsible for myself." And just say that to yourself as a mantra, over and over again this week. You are the bride... these people should be helping you, not creating additional stress for you. Saying "I'm sorry I can't help you, but I am really too busy with last minute preparations right now, I hope you are able to figure things out!" is an answer you should get comfortable giving. Do not allow yourself to be sucked into other people's problems.

    Don't forget to breathe. You will be married in 3 days. On Friday, NOTHING will matter, except for you and your husband, and your love for each other! You can do this!!!

  • Rachel
    Expert September 2019
    Rachel ·

    If the baby is under 1 and especially if it's exclusively breastfeeding, then to be honest, for health reasons of the child, it would be child endangerment to leave the child 3 hours away from its mother, its only source of food, for the length of a wedding and reception. That is not selfish. That's biology. (Ask an obgyn, midwife, or pediatrician if you don't believe me, the mom.) I'm having an adults-only reception (18+) but I told my cousins who are currently pregnant that don't they DARE leave those newborns behind. A wedding is not as important as a child's health. A newborn's health can decline within only a few hours if something goes wrong, and for its food source and home--because yes, to a newborn, its mother's body IS its home--to be taken away for several hours....... like PP said, not all women are able to pump. Not all are able or willing to do formula. Also, have you ever had to pay for childcare? Did you know that childcare is as expensive as rent in most places in the USA? I've had panic moments with finding childcare for my own toddler, for events pertaining to my own wedding. I had to quit a job because I couldn't find someone for one day.

    I feel for your MOH. She is doing her best and being a new mom, especially a broke nursing one, is oftentimes a close-to-impossible task in and of itself. No woman can know how hard this is till they experience it for themselves. And honestly? Who cares where her dress came from or if it was worn before, if it coordinates with your wedding and she's the only one standing up there?

  • Rachel
    Expert September 2019
    Rachel ·
    View Quoted Comment

    I just read this. She doesn't trust the dad alone with the baby?

    Hmmmmm....... sounds like the serious post partum anxiety that I STILL deal with today, with a two year old. That fear is very real to her, probably paralyzing. We also have no idea what's going on with dad. Did you know that dads also can get a post-childbirth form of depression or anxiety? It's called paternal depression/anxiety. Having these things can be horrific and turn you into a different person. I'm not saying this is what's going on with her, but I can say that I didn't feel comfortable leaving my child alone with anyone, including her daddy/my fiance, for about a year. Yes, I had to for work and things, but the anxiety--yes, even medicated, blah blah--was paralyzing and turned me into someone who couldn't function.

    Having a new baby, even with all its joys, can really suck in terms of both physical and mental health of the parents. It's incomparably and unimaginably hard.

  • shayandbae
    Devoted June 2019
    shayandbae ·
    View Quoted Comment

    Thanks for this post! She definitely is going through all of the above, so I feel for her. I just wish she would've expressed these things to me before the week of the wedding. She made it seem like up to this point she could handle it, when deep down she was crushed to be so far away from baby. She won't even let the baby come to the wedding city and be with dad in the hotel with pumped bottles. She just keeps saying "You won't understand because you're not a mom." So I still haven't heard from her since Sunday after venting to her about my cousin and telling her it's all going to be okay and we'll still be friends if she doesn't come. And that I totally understand. Overall, I was not trying to be insensitive to the fact but there is a strict rule of no kids allowed that she knew about months ago. She could've easily declined then... I'm just hurt that it was last minute. Had she told me this months ago I would be totally fine.

  • shayandbae
    Devoted June 2019
    shayandbae ·
    View Quoted Comment

    Thank you! I will definitely be chanting these mantras as the day gets closer. I will stop begging my friend to be there for me, and just please my cousin for the weekend and separate myself after this all blows over. I won't have to see her again for another few years LOL! Thanks for your words of encouragement.

  • shayandbae
    Devoted June 2019
    shayandbae ·
    View Quoted Comment

    I'm no longer stressing, letting it all go! Thanks to you ladies who've responded I have clarity and peace of mind with my drama. It has subsided, and the stragglers will have to wait outside until after dinner is served (I can still let them come in if they're going to wait outside for an hour and a half in NC summer heat, lol). I will definitely post a "BAM" soon, and post some in this thread so you all can see how happy I am through all this mess I've been through LOL! Thanks again.

  • shayandbae
    Devoted June 2019
    shayandbae ·
    View Quoted Comment

    I'm hoping to have your calm spirit from now until the night ends on Friday! I have a feeling things will pop up, but I have to stop stressing because now I'm getting acne just thinking about it UGHHH! Everything WILL BE just the way I want it (speaking it into existence) and I pray I won't have to put out any fires the day of. Who knew weddings could be this wild? LOL

  • shayandbae
    Devoted June 2019
    shayandbae ·
    View Quoted Comment

    There's absolutely nothing I can do about the ones who can't be there, you're totally right. I won't hold grudges about it either! I will be so grateful to the ones who can come, and I can't afford to stress another second. Thanks for your reply!! It helped me so much to obtain my peace.

  • Tina
    Super August 2019
    Tina ·
    View Quoted Comment
    Good to hear it. All the drama makes the final result so worth wild ❤ you got this!
  • Rachel
    Expert September 2019
    Rachel ·
    View Quoted Comment
    I do totally feel where you’re coming from in this too, by the way. I really do. I’m glad you know what she’s going through and took it into consideration. Obviously I have no idea if she had had the baby already when she offered, but boy does it change your life, even from week to week, in ways that you never thought imaginable! I hope it works out for the best for all involved, and I’m glad to see that you two are willing to keep your friendship even though there are these issues. I am sure she feels terrible about the whole thing, too. Hopefully she is able to find someone to watch the baby, maybe in her hotel room for at least the ceremony and part of the reception. Then she can duck out once cake is cut if necessary.
  • MrsV1027
    Master October 2018
    MrsV1027 ·

    Deep breath. Did MOH know she was pregnant when she said she could be there? How old is the baby? If I was still breastfeeding I would expect to be able to bring my baby. I wouldn't go 3 hours away from a breastfeeding baby. Yes your event is 21+ but usually there are exceptions for members of your party esp ones in her situation. I don't think she's selfish at all for not wanting to leave the baby with the dad for a wedding.

    That being said you are almost to the big day. Things will happen that are out of your control. Focus on what you need to do for you and let the pieces fall where they do at this point. Your day will be beautiful and amazing. Don't let all this stress you to the point where you don't enjoy your upcoming day.

  • shayandbae
    Devoted June 2019
    shayandbae ·
    View Quoted Comment
    The baby is 7 months, so yes. She wasn’t in the party from the beginning when we set the rules with no exceptions. That’s how my husband and I wanted it, no bridal party and no kids. But she insisted on being a part of it so I’d think she would’ve made a way to follow through with that. I told her to bring the baby and leave baby with dad or her mom at the hotel and that’s what she agreed to, but now that has changed.
  • shayandbae
    Devoted June 2019
    shayandbae ·
    View Quoted Comment
    Thanks for seeing my side as well! The dad can watch the baby in the hotel while she attends, she just doesn’t trust it. He already took off work and everything to be there for her. She’s very possessive over their baby and won’t let him do a lot of things. That’s why I mentioned the selfish part of it. She has the resources she just won’t use them. I can’t tell her how to parent though so I can’t hold any of this against her. I just hope we do remain friends after this!

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