Sara
Expert February 2020

Best man troubles

Sara, on January 26, 2020 at 6:59 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 35
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Hi ladies.. I need some input please



My FH and I are pretty low maintenance, no frills, people when it comes to all of the wedding stuff that's goes along with getting married. We didn't want to register for anything, no wedding shower, and didn't want to have bachelorette/bachelor parties. When asked about a bachelor party by his best man, my FH requested a blended game night that both he and I could be part of. He gave a list of dates that we would both be available (because I have a child from a previous relationship who I share custody with so the weekends with her were out..because I don't give up my time with her). He hadn't heard of anything from his best man on the game night, and seemed to be disappointed, so I took it upon myself to get my uncle to let us use his house (because it's in the college neighborhood where he and all of his friends met) to play board games and probably travel out to some of the bars. No one really responded to his texts on the matter.
His best man had mentioned something to him previously about keeping the weekend of the 7th open. When FH said that wouldn't work because I wasn't available, bm said that was fine. FH thought it was to help him with somethjng because this friend asks for his help quite a bit.
Well, it turns out that the best man planned a two night stay in a cabin for FH and 'some peeps'..as bm put it. While I'm so glad that FHs friends planned something for him..because he seemed to be sad that they hadn't...I'm very hurt. His best man purposely left me out after FH specifically said if he did anything he wanted me to be included. I haven't felt sad about being left out in a very long time and this just feels awful. I feel even worse because a huge part of me doesn't want him to go.

We had planned on getting our marriage license on the 7th and now I don't want to do it that day anymore. I don't want to associate the day we get our license with the day FH goes to a cabin for something I was purposely left out of. I'm pretty sure he's going to go. He's upset about it..but I doubt he will want to cause conflict within his friend group. He avoids confrontation as much as possible.
Am I wrong to feel this way? If FH hadn't said he wanted me involved, and told the best man I wasn't available that weekend and the bm said oh that's fine..i would be nothing but happy for my FH.. But that's not what happened and I feel terrible..

35 Comments

Latest activity by Allison, on January 27, 2020 at 12:53 PM
  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    Truthfully and let me preface but saying sorry this situation happened but maybe they just want a guys night out no women. It sounds like you're fh wanted and bachelor party but his friends wanted it all guys and fh was being a great guy including you I know if someone told me they don't want anything then I wouldn't plan. Don't see this as you being left out rather let him have a guy's night. I say talk to your fh and maybe the bm and tell them to have a night just guys. You don't need to have a bachelorette but maybe just a dinner out? Ask fh if he wants to go out with the guys and have just a guys night. Would you mind him staying in a cabin one weekend?
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  • Sara
    Expert February 2020
    Sara ·
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    No. He didn't want a guys night. He wanted to bring everyone together.. He wanted a game night with me included. I didn't ask him to do it. Shouldn't his bachelor 'party' be whatever he wants it to be not what his friends think he should have? Brides are on here complaining all the time that their moh didn't listen to what they wanted to do. How is this any different?


    Under normal circumstances, no, I wouldn't have any problem with him going to a cabin. Under this circumstance..i don't really want him to. That's like him saying it's fine to exclude his fiancé from things he specifically asked for me to be a part of
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  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    Okay I understand exactly where you're coming from and trust me in my previous post in no way was I throwing blame at you. I just know even though I want a bachelorette party I don't know my future husband included. I just want girls going to talk girl stuff and I think men probably feel a little bit more stronger than that. I agree it should be whatever he wants but maybe the guys just thought that there wasn't much interest. I think maybe they felt like there were a lot of restrictions in play that they had to do it where they bought everyone together which is common it is called a Jack and Jill party and then they couldn't do it on a weekend. I know when my best friend told me she didn't want a bridal shower I didn't think to throw anything of the sort because I felt she wasn't interested. I totally understand where you are coming from and that it really should be what he wants but then again I also see Brides on here pulling the etiquette card saying that well whoever is hosting it has a say in what they want to do. I'm not really sure where the issue came up but I think that's something for your FH to talk to his BM about. Just seeing things from the opposite coin if those limitations were given to me I probably would not be very excited to throw anything. The best man had something planned and then basically the FH told him well this is why this won't happen so maybe he just felt okay nevermind forget it. I think women are much more accommodating to different situations than men are so that's the one thing I would say keep in mind is that how men and women handle things are totally different. It sucks that you feel bad and I understand why you feel guilty but of course neither of you did anything wrong this is just how you are as a couple you didn't really care to have separate bachelorette parties. But just from reading your original post like you said you didn't really want it so maybe that's how the BM felt was that there was really not a want for this so then why waste all this time and he decided nevermind let's just not do it. But now it sounds to me like you're FH does want something because he's clearly bothered by the fact that they're not doing anything. I think just so the air is clear maybe you both can talk to him or maybe just your FH talk to him and just ask what happened. I know that sometimes when people plan these events they just want to make it a big surprise and fun for the other person and when the other person comes back with this won't work or only if we do it this way maybe they feel their plan isn't worth doing and just give up. At the end of the day it's really up to what you to want but just thinking from the best man side it just seems like he is one of the traditional Bachelor party and since that was going to happen he decided to not do anything.
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  • Sara
    Expert February 2020
    Sara ·
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    Before anything was planned and right after he was asked to be best man, six months ago, he was given a list of weekends that were acceptable when he asked about a party. The only restrictions he had was that I be invited and it be on a weekend we don't have my daughter (which is every other weekend). Neither of us wanted bachelor/bachelorette parties. He just wanted to play board games with our friends. I don't understand where you're coming from.
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  • Fleur
    October 2020
    Fleur ·
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    Honestly from the outside this sucks (esp bc you guys really didn’t plan to have bach parties) but doesn’t look like a huge deal. I would def do something fun for myself that weekend. Unpopular opinion but sometimes I wonder if Bachelor/ette parties are really a great idea. I’ve seen several friends struggle with them, either the cost, people bail, or reasons like this.
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  • Sara
    Expert February 2020
    Sara ·
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    Right. We didn't want parties (I told my girlfriends that I didn't want anything at all) he just wanted to hang out with friends and play board games.


    My hang up is that he purposely chose a weekend that he knew I wouldn't be available. It's crappy. Also..this bm has a four month old..so I don't understand why he would plan a weekend that the groom didn't want or ask for and leave his wife at home. It just seems like a rude thing all around.
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  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
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    I can see how that would be hurtful to you, but I also don't think it's a big deal for your FH to have a guys night without you. It sounds like your priority is to get everyone together for a game night and this doesn't prevent that. Both events can still happen.

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  • karen
    Master October 2017
    karen ·
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    Your DHs choice is to accept the bachelor party or not. Many people would think the game night idea is lame. You have the right to plan parties where you host, but you and DH are not hosting.

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  • MaryEllen
    Expert October 2016
    MaryEllen ·
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    Let it go. The best man wanted to celebrate your soon to be husband. It wasn’t what you both wanted but it’s something. I doubt there was any malicious intent. Let him have a fun weekend with the boys.
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  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    Okay I think maybe we are both misunderstanding each other here but long story short it just seems like the BM wanted a different plan than what you two wanted for the bachelor party and decided to not do anything at all. If I understand you correctly there were suggestions of game nights and the BM did not respond which I would interpret as that is not what he wanted to do. Maybe that is not the case but I feel there should be no hurt feelings before the wedding so your FH should talk to his friend and discuss the situation. I am sorry that you are hurt and you feel guilty but regardless of what happened if I understand you, you would be ok with a boys night only yes? If so, maybe have your FH set up something at your Uncle's and tell the BM that hey we are going to have a night out here but maybe leave some planning of events to the BM. I know as a former bridesmaid I wanted to take some control over planning based on what my friends liked but for it to be a surprise. Also, I agree with what Fleur said in that if you two have an idea of what you want then you guys can throw it. Do you think if you came up with an official date that you are having a game night and this is the date people would come? I personally do not see a big deal in a person hosting their own bachelor/bachelorette and paying for it. I do hope you two can find a happy medium with him on this and that you can all have a fun night out even if it is just at a brewery or something.

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  • Jennifer
    Super March 2020
    Jennifer ·
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    I get being hurt/frustrated. We said no parties either because I hate the idea behind them. Some of the girls from work asked if we could have one regardles of us wanting to not go crazy. While I don't need permission from my FH, I still asked his thoughts on this before committing to anything. He definitely doesn't care despite us agreeing to not do a darn thing. While this situation stinks, I think you just need to take a breather and let this one slide. My guess is, the guys just wanted a guys night. Maybe not your fh, but the rest of them that were trying to plan something special for him. It is great that he has friends that want to support him. You may feel left out or that this was a stab at you, but I would let them have this one weekend especially if your fh is still down to hang out despite the change in plans. Make some plans for you and only you that weekend! Get your nails done, take yourself to dinner and a movie! Enjoy some you time!
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  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica Online ·
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    It sounds like the best man already had ideas of what he and the other groomsmen wanted to do. My guess is the best man probably knew in advance that you guys were getting engaged so he probably had come up with ideas before your fiance ever said he didn't want a bachelor party. Since they are the ones hosting it then it is up to them what they want to do. Obviously since none of them responded to the game night texts they weren't interested in doing that. My husband, his best man, and groomspeople wouldn't have been interested in it either. My suggestion is to let it go. Your fiance may have just told you he didn't want to do something when you said you didn't want to because it honestly sounds like he did, but that you didn't.
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  • Sara
    Expert February 2020
    Sara ·
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    No one had any idea we were getting engaged. We just decided to get married.. before there was even a ring we had a venue booked. So it doesn't really make sense to assume he was doing any planning prior to any of this.


    FH cancelled the cabin weekend. He said it wasn't what he wanted and wasn't okay the way his bm went about it. So, he and I are on the same page at least.
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  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica Online ·
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    Honestly it sounds like you didn't give him much choice. My husband probably would have cancelled his plans too if I was as upset as you appear to be. I wouldn't expect the best man or groomsmen to show up for other events or plan anything else in the future because I would be ticked if I planned something for someone only for them to cancel.
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  • Sara
    Expert February 2020
    Sara ·
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    I don't think it's a problem for him to have a guy's night or weekend either. That's just not what he wanted. He just wanted a joint hang out. He's happy that they planned something for him..but he didn't want to travel anywhere or have it be a weekend long thing. They made it more about them and what they wanted.
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  • Sara
    Expert February 2020
    Sara ·
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    Honestly, I didn't say much to FH about it. I came on here to vent..
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  • Hope
    Dedicated August 2020
    Hope ·
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    I'm confused - what's the issue if FH cancelled the weekend? It's not going to happen, so why are you so upset? Don't add on this stress to an already hectic time with wedding planning. You don't need this.

    His friends clearly didn't want a game night and no offense, they obviously didn't want to throw a bachelor party with you there. Who does?

    FH didn't want a bachelor party. Do you think deep down he wanted to have one, and I'm not talking about strip clubs and stupid crap like that... maybe just a weekend away to hang with the guys? Who brought it up first about not wanting one - you or him?

    Don't cancel going to go get your wedding license on that day because that's basically punishing your fh for something he had nothing to do with.

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  • Andrea
    Master January 2021
    Andrea ·
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    Yeah, I agree with Hope.

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  • Sara
    Expert February 2020
    Sara ·
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    When I wrote the post I didn't know he had canceled. We found out about it late last night. I said i thought it was rude he agreed, the subject was dropped and I went to bed. When I woke up this morning I still felt bad (because this guy has intentionally left me out before and it wasn't what FH asked for), so I came on here to vent. After I posted and FH woke up he told me that he had canceled.


    He brought up that he didn't want a bachelor party. The game night was his idea. It being a joint event was his idea. I didn't even know that's what he wanted until after he had told his best man and mentioned it to me later.
    How would switching the day we get the license be a punishment? It would just be a different day.
    We're still doing a game night (we're playing things like drunk quest that all of his friends enjoy and have played at bachelor parties for other friends in previous years) and will probably hit the town after..which is what he wanted. Not a bachelor party but time with friends. Which is what he wanted. I don't have to be there. He wants me to be..
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  • Mandi
    Master October 2020
    Mandi ·
    • Flag
    I dont think this is as big of an issue as you're making it.


    Bachelor and bachlorette parties are not planned by the bride or groom. You can get some say, but in the end, the planning party gets to be in charge.
    The only thing I was in charge of for my bachlorette party is when and I requested that margaritas happen. I dont know where or anything else. I'm fine with it.
    My fiance dropped hints about his bachelor party, but we dont know if they were able to do what he wanted or not.
    If he wanted to go ahead and go, he should have.
    Him cancelling it because you're not invited.
    That just makes you look controlling.
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