Best man drama

How does FH feel about all this?

Unfortunately there's not much you can do. This is a situation your FH needs to address.

While you have no right to dictate where his bachelor party will be, I think you're rightfully concerned about this friend being socially inept. Have you talked to FH about this guy's racially charged comments?

My issue is that my dad and brother have to go its literally super important to me, but I don't want them to not go if it's too far. Nothing in the next two years will change, not his personality or that he is the best man. It is literally just who he is. My fiancé has communicated he understands why I feel that way but I don't think he knows or wants to get in the middle of it. There is a reason why every wedding I go to the bride worries about him. I can get a long with him but I have a racially diverse family and his uncle is gay. I won't tolerate any inappropriate/ insulting comments to any of my guests.

The fact that I keep hearing that its so far away isn't true in my situation. I am a set in stone kind of person and he is going to be the best man if I like it or not. I want to nip it in the butt before it grows.

Are his inappropriate comments all the time? Does he make those comments at work? If not, you don't have anything to worry about.

FBIL is incredibly offensive to the point that his wife is frequently pissed at him over what he says. That being said, I have absolutely no concern over what he may say. He knows how to be appropriate in front of strangers.

Have FH speak to him if you are truly concerned; however, I would wait. Your wedding is 2 years away. A lot can change for him in that time.

He did and I did say something actually. He made comments about jews, Asians, and black people I said that's not tolerated around me especially at my wedding. He also made it clear I get no say in the bachelor party, and I informed him I don't care, I just want it half way so the guys from MA and the guys from OH can meet in between since most of them all have children and other responsibly. He can have all the strippers he wants, but I don't think being respectful of all the groomsman and my father is too much to ask for.

I don't think you have any say in how the BM plans the bachelor party so I'd stop trying to intervene on that front. That isn't a fight you'll win. Imagine if your FH was bossing around your MOH about the bachelorette. It's a bit inappropriate; you aren't the host and the event isn't in your honor.

I'd ask your FH to talk to him about his off color comments. He can have all of the horrible thoughts and beliefs he wants but on your wedding day he should lock them up and try to remain appropriate. If he does not feel he can do that I would have a serious convo with your FH about his relationship with this man.

You should stay out of the bachelor party planning. If it's too far, people won't go. Not your problem. If you're convinced "nothing is going to change" and "he is who he is" then it seems like you're stuck with him, because your FH asked his best man over 2 years out. Should have waited much longer to ask.

I'd be more concerned that FH doesn't think the racial comments aren't an issue or that he "doesn't want to get in the middle of it."

No one knows our situation, my fiancé doesn't have a strong father figure, his dad has been in and out of his life and still is. Actually he didn't even congratulate him on our engagement yet. My father has been there for us and just threw us an amazing engagement party. When my fiancé asked my dad if he could marry me there was this connection there. He later explained to me that my dad is the father figure he always looked for and that he loves being part of my family.

If he told me I had to make sure his mom could make it and that it meant a lot then you better believe my MOH will be doing it. We focus on tieing our families together rather then keeping them apart. Again what seems like forever away to some of you isn't for me.

Apparently asking a question on this site people have to be rude and tell you that you are wrong. Its amazing how people can critique someone else values, like that fact I dad and brother who is involved in the wedding to be included. AGAIN SINCE I SAID IT BEFORE I AM TRYING TO NIP THE PROBLEM NOW SO IT DOESN'T HAPPEN WHEN IM STRESSED.

If you don't want comments, don't post on a public forum.

What do you mean ""what seems like forever away to some of you isn't for me"?

What values are you trying to defend? My dad and my FIL didn't attend my DHs bachelor party because it seemed creepy. A bachelor party is a party in your DH's honor. It's not a family bonding event.

First of all I was looking for advice not to be told I am doing everything wrong. I also never said he was going to have strippers I was stating that I wouldn't care if he did knowing a lot of brides are not ok with it. My fiancé really doesn't like strip clubs I doubt he wants to do that honestly but if he went I don't care.

To think I thought a wedding website would be a good place to ask for suggestions not be judged. wow what a shame

Did you want to host your FH's bachelor party?? If you don't host you don't get a say. Honestly we were just trying to say what you are doing is considered rude and crossing boundaries. We are just being honest. Your nearest and dearest probably won't tell you when you are being irrational.

You're going to be the "nagging wife" that your FH gets roasted for if you keep at this. Your dad is a grown man. If he's uncomfortable with the location, he can open his grown man mouth and say something or even better, he can skip it altogether. How would you feel if they just cancelled the party because they got tired of dealing with you? That's the direction you're going in. Since we're internet hollering, WHAT YOU WANT DOESNT MATTER. It's his party. Not yours.

And your FH should reevaluate his friendship with this jerk. Him remaining friends with him sends the message that his comments aren't a big deal.

Why did you ask for advice on a public forum when all you wanted was validation?

A bachelor party is not mandatory. If the BM wants to throw one, that’s great for your FH. But as the host, the BM gets to decide the location. If your FH doesn’t like the location, he can decline the party. The convenience of your family is not a factor. My father and H are close, but my father did not need to be invited to H’s bachelor party. My brother also did not attend.

As for the other issue, I would have nipped that in the bud a long time ago. I don’t think H and I would have lasted more than a few months if his best friend made racist comments, especially since I am half Jewish. That is never okay and never funny.

@OP - calm your tits and stop trying to control everything. As PP have stated, you have ZERO say in the bachelor party. Feel free to express your desire to have your dad invited, but don't lose your shit if that doesn't happen. There's no rule or "value" that states that he (your dad) needs to be invited.

It's going to be a long 2 years if this is the shit you're already worried about.

You said you and FH have spoken to him about his inappropriate comments and he hasn't changed, so beyond that, there isn't much you can do. You can't kick him out, you can't un-invite him, so what other options are you looking for that other people aren't giving you? I would have dropped this guy a long time ago because I'm not trying to spend my time hanging around some racist asshole who clearly doesn't care. What has he ended up doing at all of these other weddings that every other bride was so worried about this guy? Does he run around making inappropriate jokes and comments, or does he tone it down because he's in public with more people there than just his friends?

You need to relax and stop trying to micromanage everything to death 2 years away. If your FH is ok with the bachelor party being in MA, then you have to be ok with it. If he wants your father and brother there as badly as you seem to want him there, then HE can make the choice to request that his best man plan it somewhere else. Other than that, you have to just accept what it is. It is not going to alter the future dynamic between everyone if your father and brother can't make it to the bachelor party.

So does he get to invite people to your bachelorette party?

Regarding the racial comments, you have every right to be firm and make it clear that none of that will be tolerated.

Typically it's rude for parents to attend bach parties - but to each their own. However, you just gotta let that go unless there is something you genuinely aren't comfortable with such as the common strip club topics, or unless they are planning to rob a bank or something. That's the BM's job and you just kinda have to let him do it. My FH is going 14 hours away for his - which I think is ridiculous but I also don't really care about the location.

As far as comments go, as you said, nip the problem now. Say something and be firm.