Best Friend upset about not being a bridesmaid

This is one of the reasons I sometimes think wedding parties should be done away with all together. It’s a system that forces you to rank friendships. You say you can’t understand why your friend was so upset, but this is why. You essentially ranked your friendships, and she was not included in your “top 2” best friends; when obviously she assumed she was. She ended the friendship because she was deeply hurt that she feels she values your friendship more than you value hers.
I would absolutely NOT suggest she be an “honorary bridesmaid”. There is no such thing as an “honorary bridesmaid” (either your a BM, or you’re not), and creating these consolation titles only further rubs it in that they didn’t make the cut as a real BM.

I agree the idea of "honorary" bridesmaid just sends the idea she's not good enough to be a "real" one. However, sides don't have to be even, especially since it's a small wedding party either way. Why not add her and the other friend? Or do siblings only so people understand?

Unless it’s completely obvious who would be named, or you do family only, I agree with PP that it would be better either not to have any wedding party and in many cases to have no distinction between MOH and bridesmaids. When you are picking and choosing between people who are in the “best friend” category, you run the risk that people will be hurt or offended.


It may be too late now but are you still apparently operating under the idea that the sides need to be even? Honorary bridesmaid” would only add insult to injury, though asking her to be a BM now after the fact could have the same result.
If this is by any chance about dresses, they do not have to match.

View Quoted Comment Thank you Cece. I understand.

View Quoted Comment Not anymore, I realized I can do whatever I want. But I think it’s too late. I just ended up losing a friend.

I kind of had the same issue with a best friend. I had to realize that maybe you’re not a true friend if you’re willing to be mad and or end a friendship over what I decide for MY big day. Any friend should be happy for you regardless because you’re getting married. I explained that to my bestie and she understood and pulled herself together. If it wasn’t to go that way I was ready to go ahead and loose a so called friend.

I don’t think it’s too late! The 2 of you obviously have a lot of history together, and her reaction was triggered by hurt, not hate. If you want her to be a BM, I would do a grand gesture! Maybe send her flowers to her place of work (she can’t ignore that like a phone call or text message), with a heartfelt card stating you miss her and love her and can’t imagine getting married without her by your side.
Or you could show up to her house with flowers and a BM proposal box and tell her face to face how sorry you are and want her to be a BM.

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I thought about adding them, since we have added more people since. I added my sisters first to the party, but idk i felt like it was too late, and she blocked me. I think I just miss her as a friend.

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That's what I said as well. She told me she understood, but then called back a week later saying that she couldn't get over it, and she talked to so many people about this and feels like she has a right to be upset. she told me that the people around her said that she should " set the friendship on fire". she decided to end the friendship after 10 years.

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Oh yeah, we've been best friends for 10 years. I honestly didn't think through everything from the beginning. I have many best friends, the two I picked...have been around ALOT more than the others and I guess I just indirectly ranked everyone from the ride-or-die to supportive. It wasn't intentional at all.

I don't wanna hurt her more, but yeah. you're right.

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Well, when she or they decide to get married and plan a wedding, they will eventually learn it's not about exerting unnecessary energy on little girl, competitive friendships.

View Quoted Comment Well her loss. Never understood where some people get their sense of entitlement.

I would definitely question someone who ends a friendship over this. It’s completely valid for her to feel hurt and wonder why she wasn’t selected, but if she’s just going to jump straight to ending the friendship, that’s pretty unfair. There are SO many reasons people have for selecting their wedding party, including factors that have nothing to do with which friend is closest. If you want to put in the effort to preserve the friendship, I would apologize for hurting her and offer to have a conversation so you can both hear each other out. But if she declines, I would mourn the loss of a friend and then move on.

An honorary anything is not an honor. It’s a consolation prize. Either someone is a bridesmaid or they are not with no in between. Also, there are many posts if you search the forum talking about asking people way too early to be bridesmaids because it backfires and ends friendships. There is nothing that anyone needs to do before 6-8 months before the wedding, so that is the strongly recommended time to ask, no earlier.


Also there are an equal number of posts mentioning the various reasons why not everyone enjoys being a bridesmaid and they don’t consider it to be an honor, after having done the job. Some people feel that being a regular guest is more of an honor, though that is not an idea promoted anywhere on social media. In real life, many people don’t get upset by not being asked to be a bridesmaid.
As for your friend, her feelings are valid and everyone processes upset differently, and none is wrong or right. It’s not fair or accurate to say she (or anyone in a similar position) is selfish/wrong/entitled/horrible or anything else that she is described as being as a result of how she is processing the information. Some people see their side of the relationship as closer to another person than the other party does. It sounds like that is taking place because she may feel closer to you than you do with her. Not everyone knows how to communicate effectively if at all, and that is incorrectly held against people instead of trying to get to the root of the problem. Yes your feelings are valid but the majority of responses appear to be throwing her under the bus and that she is not allowed to do what she has. Not saying that ending the friendship is right but there may be a reason she felt the need to that is being ignored in favor of “she doesn’t care”. You said you have almost 2 years to the wedding so it’s possible that she may come around before then and unblock you after she has had time to process her feelings. At this point, there is nothing you can do.

I feel as if a TRUE friend that truly cares about you would not care. They would still want you to be happy no matter who is by your side.....and they would not miss your big day for the world.

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Girl, I do not, NOR EVER wanted a wedding party due to this Ish. There is so much truth in ... when people "joke" about the drama that ensues. SO MUCH.

This is my POV: IF someone NEEDS a title to support you in your life IN GENERAL, requires it, demands it- AND also for your wedding- they have issues. Their own issues. True love and true friendship don't require a certain "Title." EVER.

Does it make someone maybe feel HONOURED to be a part of a wedding? Sure, FOR SOME. Then for OTHERS, it is here nor there. Let's first face the facts! WOW how getting engaged is such a learning experience. It definitely shows you SO MANY THINGS. My advice is to absorb it all, recognize it all and grow with it and from it. THERE IS TRUTH also in the saying, "In good times, happy times, sad times and bad times you find out who is the most important in your life. You see true character, true Genuity." Mainly, if attuned in with your own soul, you FEEL IT. I will never understand jealousy, it is such an UGLY trait. You could look at this "Friend" of yours and reiterate that to her. She will deny that word in pertinence to herself and her character. But she is lying to herself. She is jealous, NOT HURT. HURT is shown genuinely by voicing those feelings calmly in communication, but also with the acceptance of their love for another being greater than that hurt. From what you have written here, it's blatantly obvious, it's not hurt.

Happy times, such as the road of being engaged and walking into marriage- shows true character of others and also, many times- the bride or the groom!! In this case, it seems to at least me, that this person has shown that she needs recognition in a way that is not genuine at all. It's childish, immature and absolutely .... ridiculous. Girls like this honestly, just show their A**. It's black and white. No one can make everyone happy, nor should they strive for that. A true friend would NOT end a friendship over just not being included in a wedding party. Basically, one whom does is saying, "In order for me to be your friend, I need a title in your wedding, need to get dolled up, wear a dress" If you hear it that way, does it help you to see how egotistical it is?

Then, you have those beautiful people in your life. The one's who take NOT ONE OFFENSE to YOUR happiness. Know why? They don't have issues in themselves they need to FIX. They aren't egotistical. They are not immature. They realize that no title, no dress, no makeup artist... could make them love you, be happier for you, or be there for you ANYMORE than they already are. They just stand by your side, happily genuinely devoted to you. They aren't going ANYWHERE. THAT is what counts. THOSE are the people worth it. And again, like my beautiful grandmother used to say, " You find out who your true friends are in the saddest of times, the hardest of times and very sadly and disconcerting in the happiest of times you will have child." In my youth I did not fully grasp those words of wisdom. But with age, I have lived it, seen it, felt it and truly understand it.

An engagement period is a time of growth and learning. It is not, nor has ever meant to be all about the fun festivities that are involved. It is also something only those of mature and self-confident people truly understand, without having to be told. This applies to those in your life as well. Sadly, many will only learn this in growth, or walking in the same shoes. Immature and self-centered people are the ones who "Need a title", whom you may hear say (and barf at the following, but man does it happen ALL THE TIME)- "but she was in MY wedding, but I am your friend. But, But..." Blah blah blah. Me, me me....

Lort have mercy, grow.

Girl don't try to fix this issue. Let it be. If you believe in God, consider it a sign graciously given to you to see the true character of another. If you aren't religious, consider it a sign from Mama Nature that some things are not strong enough to grow. If you are an atheist, take it as it is, someone showed their true colors to you, their true character. Thank them for it and move on.

And remember- there are people who age and mature with it, and sadly there are way too many more.... who just AGE.

I don't have a wedding party. I have two sisters; we are all very close. Know what they said to me? "You still doing the no wedding party Ish?" I said, "Yes, I would like to opt out of the crap" Know what THEY SAID? "THANK GOD".

In comparison to:

I have... sorry HAD a friend of 24 years. TWENTY-FOUR YEARS!! She's always known I wanted a smaller wedding, if not an away wedding- and NO wedding party. She was engaged the same time I was, (she's hitched now, Mine is coming up next month) She asked me to be in her wedding, I said, "You sure??" LOL. I naturally said yes, I loved the woman to pieces. When she found out that I was sticking to my lifelong dream of no wedding party- She was furious. Putting me down to other girls in the wedding party, her family and even people who were not in her wedding party... friends of hers that I did not know well at all, still do not.

And yep. I heard from my own longtime friend what I sadly have heard from so many other immature people through my lifetime over the same thing: and I quote:

"That's rude. I am your friend, and you are in MY wedding, it's only right and necessary that I should be in yours."

Gasp,

ME, ME, ME, ME, ME. (also, needless to say- she was bridezilla from the early 2000's when it became the "cool thing to be due to television" she was just late doing it... into (2021). That story in itself HAS and would still make so many ladies here heads spin!! I exited that wedding and my position in it, due to many things that arose with her-(The last straw being that when I had to take my father who has had and is still so strongly fighting Cancer now for eleven years, he is 82- to a last-minute appointment scheduled by his oncologist for scans to see if the cancer had spread due to reactions he was having with the Chemo.... I had to miss the THIRD, yes THIRD (eye ROLL) SHOE SHOPPING APPOINTMENT with her and the other bridesmaids... I ALREADY HAD MY DANG SHOES BTW... She told me and I again quote, "You can't miss this appointment. You have to be there for me and for the other girls. Can you not find someone else to take him to the scan?" .........So, yea, that was the last straw. She also is fully aware that my very best friend passed away from Cervical Cancer at 36 years, leaving a husband and a 3-year-old son...so... Did I mention yet Bride Zilla? )... Anyways... after many months of making excuses for her, that was it. In fact, FOUR other ladies in her "line up" exited, her ringbearer was pulled from the wedding (her brother's son) over her crap, two groomsmen left... and... did I mention yet she kicked the best man (her fiancés at the time best friend since Kindergarten) OUT of the wedding THREE TIMES? Cause, yep. that all happened.) Talk about a Lifetime Movie. Or a new Jerry Springer show.... JEESH.) SHE SHOWED HER TRUE COLORS.

Unnecessary, self-centered, utterly ridiculous drama.

Your "friend" has shown her own rear end already. Steer clear, let it go. Move on. She needs growth. The people in your life that are MEANT to be there, you will feel and find solace and peace in . Especially in the happy time of an engagement into marriage. There is no gray area on this imo, It is shown to you, has been shown to you for a reason.

Obviously, seeing your post made hit me. LOL. Please, accept people for what they show you. They have a choice in the matter. It is all a choice. And if their choice is self-centered based, and they roll with it (As your friend has, by ending the friendship over such a silly little thing)- not checking themselves, not apologizing, not retracting- it is a blessing, a sign, whatever you wanna call it, for you to move on from that. From them. Do not make anyone an honorary anything, Unless it's your dog. Mine is my honorary flower girl, cause let's be real... no drama with the canines. You make her an honorary, she brings more headache to the mix, no doubt, later down the line. she already has. Sadly.

I truly feel for your situation, and it sucks to see this goes on so many times with so many brides. Be true to you, first. Novel over, lol. Best wishes to you sweetheart.

I’m sorry that has happened to you. However, I partially disagree with the first two statements about the whole bridesmaids/bridal party system being a mess, and how you should try to make amends with your “friend”. Sure it might cause stress and will would be less stressful to not have a wedding party, but at the same time IT’S NOT THAT SERIOUS. It’s not about the wedding party, it’s about you and your partner! [Rant] She is a whole adult women, who looked at YOUR wedding, and made it about HER because SHE didn’t get the title she wanted. As if she wouldn’t be in the wedding in the first place. She needs to grow up! She can be upset about it, sure, but to act that dramatic and allow people and her childish attitude, to convince her that’s what it takes to break a decade long friendship? No backstabbing, no bullying, no no because I’m nOt A bRiDeSmAiD? Seriously? She could have had a discussion with you, and see if there if any way you could switch one of them at the very least. At the end she’s not entitled nor in charge with what you do with your wedding, and I would hate to know what other things she’s done in the friendship that made it only about her feelings. “Set the friendship on fire,” Oh she did that real well, in a childish blaze of selfish fury. She did you a favor. Best of luck to you!