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Brittany
Just Said Yes October 2022

Being told that a newborn *will* be at my wedding.

Brittany, on February 26, 2022 at 5:51 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 26
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Hi I need some advice. My fiancé and I don’t have kids, and so we decided (though a lot of family and friends have you g kids/babies) we were going to have a child free wedding.


My maid of honor is due 3 months before the wedding, and is making arrangements for her newborn to be watched for the night.
My fiancé’s sister-in-law just announced her second pregnancy, and is due two weeks before the wedding.
My soon to be mother-in-law and his SIL did not ask about the baby being at the wedding, just TOLD us the baby will be. That it’s no big deal and if the baby cries she will step out with the infant.
The wedding will have some unvaccinated people, loud music, and we are very concerned with spending tens of thousands of $ on a day, just to risk crying during the ceremony ect.
What do I do? I’m told all the time to be selfish for my wedding (I keep trying to please everyone) and now that I’ve started trying to have what I want, this happens.
Am I the asshole here? Or should they not just *expect* to get to do this without asking??

26 Comments

Latest activity by Christine, on August 3, 2022 at 8:00 PM
  • Jasmine S.
    Rockstar May 2022
    Jasmine S. ·
    • Flag
    You're not being totally unreasonable, but know that newborns are commonly considered an exception to any "no kids" rules because they may be breastfeeding. I wouldn't worry too much about disruptions. Babies that young sleep most of the time.
    • Reply
  • JA
    Expert March 2022
    JA ·
    • Flag

    You aren't being unreasonable. It definitely is rude of them to expect this of you. Is there a compromise to make? Could someone not in the wedding (maybe one of SIL's family members?) watch the infant during the ceremony, and then during cocktail hour/reception go back to SIL? Then the newborn would not be in the room to disturb the ceremony, but you are also pleasing them by allowing the baby at the wedding at all. Also, as far as loud noises/unvaccinated/etc, that isn't on you. That is the parent's call.

    • Reply
  • Candace
    Super March 2022
    Candace ·
    • Flag
    I really wouldn't worry too much about it. For one thing, being due that close to the wedding there could be a chance she will still be pregnant. If the baby is born beforehand, a 2-week old will hardly make a fuss. It's not a battle you should try to win with FMIL, imo. But if it really bothers you, FH should be the one to break it to them, not you.
    • Reply
  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
    • Flag
    As the hosts, you decide the guest list. Your guests don’t dictate who will be attending. You need to set and maintain boundaries to keep this from happening in the future as well. Repeat no as often as you need and let them know they will need to find a babysitter. Not everyone is used to being told no as could possibly be the case here.



    While babies may sleep the entire time, they are actually more unpredictable than older children. Yet infants are given loopholes to attend while older children cannot which makes no sense. If you allow one person to bring kids, you will offend others who had to find a babysitter. If they want to bring the children along, there are other events where that can be done that are not your wedding.
    • Reply
  • devotedlydavis
    Expert March 2022
    devotedlydavis ·
    • Flag
    Sounds like the child and mother need to stay home. Personally, I wouldn’t bring my infant to a wedding before they were vaccinated. They not only run the risk of COVID, but I am sure many of your guests don’t have the TDAP vaccine and could expose the child to whooping cough.
    • Reply
  • Shannon
    Expert July 2022
    Shannon ·
    • Flag
    I agree that while difficult and sensitive to relay, no one gets to dictate who is invited to your expensive event.
    I do recall a ceremony several years back when an infant was wailing and it was extremely distracting and we couldn’t hear what was going on during vows, etc.
    I don’t think they made it to the reception.
    • Reply
  • Hanna
    VIP June 2019
    Hanna ·
    • Flag

    Nope you're not being unreasonable at all. And I say that as new the mom of a newborn myself! She needs to sit this one out and stay home with the baby. Newborns are so unpredictable.

    • Reply
  • Brittany
    Just Said Yes October 2022
    Brittany ·
    • Flag
    I appreciate you all so much—especially helping reiterate that it’s our expensive event and we dictate the guest list. If I concede now, I run the risk of being bullied into more people I don’t want there too. He needs to set that boundary with my in-laws! Fortunately my fiancé completely agrees and is willing to have those conversations.
    • Reply
  • Jacks
    Champion November 2054
    Jacks ·
    • Flag

    Yep you get to determine who is invited to your wedding. One thing to consider is that they may not make it to the event if they have a newborn.

    • Reply
  • Jen
    Dedicated June 2022
    Jen ·
    • Flag
    I think you are being completely reasonable as well. In my opinion if she is not able to attend without taking the baby that is totally understandable, but it means that she or her husband just need to sit the event out and not attend. Regardless or not if this is an infant, I do not think you need to make extra accommodations for them as long as you are ok with her maybe not attending.
    • Reply
  • Mrs. Coakley
    Master June 2017
    Mrs. Coakley ·
    • Flag
    So I thought the same way as you until I had my daughter. A 2 week old (or even younger, babies rarely come on their due dates) really shouldn’t be separated from mom for a long period of time. Babies that young actually sleep almost all day anyway (awake maybe 4h of the entire 24h day) — and who knows, your SIL may not even be feeling up to attending.


    You could kindly ask that someone sit out of the ceremony with baby if you’re concerned about crying. For the reception hardly anyone will notice if a newborn is there. I think it’s a tad unfair to expect her to leave the baby home the entirety of the event. Hopefully you guys can reach some sort of compromise!
    • Reply
  • T
    Super April 2021
    Tiger Bride ·
    • Flag
    Babies are typically an exception to the no kid rule, but it's your wedding, so it's your decision. I would stand firm if I were you.
    • Reply
  • Brenda
    Dedicated October 2021
    Brenda ·
    • Flag
    I had a no-kids wedding, and one of my bridesmaids had a baby two weeks before our wedding. I told her she was the exception because a baby that young needs their mom around. He slept in his carseat the entire day/night. At one point during the reception I looked down at him and asked "is he literally still sleeping?" My bridesmaid said "well, I fed him about half an hour ago, but otherwise yes"


    If dad/family is around to help with a newborn, they should be the exception to the no-kids rule. They're not running between legs, or eating all the cupcakes before dinner, they're sleeping, eating, and maybe getting a little fussy between those things. I'm sure you won't even notice them.
    • Reply
  • Amanda
    Devoted April 2022
    Amanda ·
    • Flag

    I would stick to your original plan and keep to the no kids rule if you and your future husband want that for your wedding. Also, bringing a newborn to a crowded place could be risky with them getting sick or compromised. Maybe they can plan and find a babysitter.

    • Reply
  • J
    January 1895
    Jessa ·
    • Flag

    A newborn should be the exception and in my family not allowing this would cause problems throughout the greater family. It is your right to decide you don't want them there. But be prepared to pay the price. At minimum I would expect that both Sister and Brother in law will not attend the wedding at all. At worse, lines will be drawn in the family and you may wind up with an irreparable rift.

    • Reply
  • Brittany
    Just Said Yes October 2022
    Brittany ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    What do you think about some suggestions of no baby at the ceremony, but the reception is at the parents discretion? I have a hard time thinking they have thought it through much because of all the people that would be around the newborn ect—especially with covid. We definitely don’t want to cause problems, but also want to make sure our wishes are respected.
    • Reply
  • J
    January 1895
    Jessa ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    I personally think (and in my family) you should just make an exception for a newborn and allow the parents to decide where they are comfortable being with their baby. If your wedding is 2 weeks from her due date, the baby could be even less than 2 weeks old. So it might all be a moot point. They may not come at all due to being overdue, or still in the hospital or because mom is feeling not her best due to just giving birth. To me, it just wouldn't be worth it to try to impose any restrictions on them besides: "if you come, please remove baby if they start to cry." But this is my comfort level and what is acceptable in my family. Only you know what is acceptable to you and your family (both bride/groom and the greater family dynamic)

    • Reply
  • Samantha
    Super May 2022
    Samantha ·
    • Flag

    That's tough. I would lean toward letting her have the baby there, because I wouldn't leave my newborn, but the part that makes me nervous is hurting the feelings of other people who had to arrange child care and leave their children.

    • Reply
  • Cassidy
    VIP October 2017
    Cassidy ·
    • Flag

    "newborns are usually the exception to the rule," no. For me, it was a pretty big deal to NOT have have them at my wedding.

    That is EXACTLY who the "no kids" rule was for, it was not for other children, it was babies. I did not want babies at my wedding.

    That is your right to insist on this--but understand you are probably making a sacrifice that your relative will not be able to attend due to this rule. So if having a child at your wedding is a bigger deal to you than having that guest there, stick to your guns.

    If you'd rather have that guest there, make an exception.

    But you can't have it both ways.

    • Reply
  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Agree with this 100%. You can’t say “this group can do whatever they want while the rest must abide by the imposed rules, no questions asked” because you will offend even if no one says anything to you and fiancé.
    • Reply

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