Skip to main content
ARE YOU A VENDOR?

Post content has been hidden

To unblock this content, please click here

L
Savvy June 2020

Being disrespected

Lynette, on June 11, 2020 at 1:36 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 29
Saved
Reply
So my fiance had his bachelor party last weekend. And of course they had strippers. I was not 100% ok with it. It was a suprise for him and i wasnt really supposed to know about it either. Me and my fiance have a great relationship and tell each other everything. Insaid if there are strippers there, no touching. Anyway there was and als drinking, which i knew and was excepting. He came home drunk and happy and tryed to tell me what happed. Told me there was 1 stripper, then 2. Said he never touched but they touched him, rubbed on his junk, sat on his lap and spanked him. I was ok with it a little. I was not happy about another woman rubbing on my mans junk at all. But i let it go. My fiance works nights so we dint get to see each other much. So a few days later when i did get to see him. Some one told me there were 3 strippers not 2. So i asked him how many strippers there were, just to see if he remembered cause he was so drunk. He literally yelled at me and cursed at me. Told me he was not going to f*** tell me. And i had trust issues. And i need to learn how to trust someone. I was totally thrown back. I just asked a question to see if he remembered that was all. I didnt hound him. He has never talked to me that way. So now i feel disrespected and almost like something happened. I said i asked to see if you remembered. He said i remember everything. Then he canged the subject and was being as sweet as sweet can be. Befire he left for work. I said i already know the answer he said yeah then why ask..he said there were 3 strippers....i.said then why couldnt you just say that. He said because i didnt want you ti have bad dreams like you do and get stuff in your head...i still feel so disrespected for him yelling at me and talking to me and it really makes ne think something happened. We havent talked since because he has been working double. And we are getting married next weekend. My sister told me to let it go. What would you do? Am i over reacting? I dont want to start a fight right befire our wedding even though i feel its already happened.

29 Comments

Latest activity by Kayse, on June 15, 2020 at 3:55 PM
  • M
    Legend June 2019
    Melle ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    I mean i can see why you're upset but i guess 2 vs 3 strippers wouldn't make a difference regardless. but that's also why he should have just told you straight up. i think though that it is something to let go because that's unfortunately how bachelor parties can get with the strippers and stuff - it sounds like at least he didn't do anything out of the ordinary or disrespectful with the strippers, per say. but i think this is a good time to make amends in moving forward by saying look, i just want us to have an open and honest communication line with one another going forward and into our marriage, ok? so even things as small as details of how many should and can be honest.

    • Reply
  • Nefetera
    VIP March 2015
    Nefetera ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    I'll let it go. I'll move forward because that WAS the last night of him being a man who isn't married with having a bachelors expereinces. However it doesn't take away how u feel at all no. Its your choice to drop it or not. But you guys are about to get married have a talk with him to tell him that y'all communication with eachother shouldnt allow anyone of you to get upset if asked a question and how it made you feel. That honeslty what ill do. Because being married there's alot of communication and arguments however being able to express those uncomforatble momemts and talking it through is one of the many reasons a marriage can and will work out. He should always make u feel asure of him.
    Good luck
    • Reply
  • Katie
    Expert January 2021
    Katie ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    It really depends on your relationship and where your boundaries lie. Personally, I'd be very upset. It sounds like he was being dismissive and avoided being transparent. I think you should continue to express your feelings to him about not only the bachelor party but focus more on how he reacted and the way that affected you. Ultimately, that's what matters - not the detail of the number of strippers.

    • Reply
  • Leanne
    Super September 2020
    Leanne ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    I would let it go and not think about it anymore. It’s a bachelor party, and that’s historically what happens at a lot of them. Don’t get caught up on the details, but let him know that if something is upsetting to you that communication is really important. Because there will be things that come up in the future and you don’t want it to turn into something like this again
    • Reply
  • L
    Savvy June 2020
    Lynette ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    Excatly! I don't care how many strippers there were. Its how he reacted is what got me. And no one seems to understand that. But im afraid to say any more about because I don't want any more conflict. And we have a bunch of family coming in next week. He is working alll this weekend too. And my Bachelorette party is this weekend. And no there will be NO strippers for me. Its not my thing. We really have no time at all. The next time he has off is our rehearsal....
    • Reply
  • Gen
    Champion June 2019
    Gen ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    I can see why you're upset (I would be pretty pissed too) but I'm not sure what you think he is lying about. The difference of there being 3 strippers vs 2 seems like a pretty pointless "lie"... my guess is if he was that drunk, maybe he just didn't remember properly.


    What are you concerned would have happened that he could be lying about??


    Also, if I were him I'd seriously be evaluating his relationships with these "friends" who threw him the bachelor party... my husband was adamantly against strippers, and his best man tried to talk him into it lol, but best man also took his "no" seriously and didn't have strippers there because he respected my husband's wishes. I'm confident it would've put a serious dent in their friendship if he had gone ahead and hired a stripper anyway. I'm also equally confident that my husband would've walked out of his own bachelor party if there had been a stripper there against his wishes. So even if your FH is saying he "didn't want strippers" and they hired them anyway, it's not like he was being held against his will...


    All I'm trying to say is maybe he actually did want them but he was just too afraid to tell you that was what he wanted...? Has he done anything in the past to make you not trust him in this way? And/Or his groomsmen are awful lol. Either way I feel like there needs to be some sort of conversation around this.


    So sorry youre going through this Smiley sad

    • Reply
  • Kari
    Master May 2020
    Kari ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment

    I agree that him snapping at you is the problem here - because it has kind of shaken the idea you had of who your man is.

    I would find a way to calmly talk to him about what happened and focus as much as possible on how hurt you felt about his reaction to you asking a question. Try as much as possible to not focus on the strippers and if needed, tell him how much you appreciate him being forthcoming about the fact that they were there, but focus the conversation on how you were really hurt by him snapping at you. Then work together to find a way to better approach high stress situations so that you can have disagreements without is turning into a battleground. This could be a really good opportunity for you to grow together as a couple and improve your communication and trust, or it could be a rift that separates you and surfaces from time to time, pulling you apart. Best of luck!

    • Reply
  • M
    Master October 2021
    Mrs.a ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    If you feel like you’ve been heard and you can honestly let it go, then do just that. However if you’re feeling upset by his reaction, which is warranted, and that you have not properly discussed that, then you should take time to sit down and have a conversation about it. I personally wouldn’t want to carry that weight on my wedding day.

    • Reply
  • W
    VIP September 2020
    Willow ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    His yelling, cursing, and refusing to answer would not fly with me. He's also being patronizing by saying 3 vs 2 strippers might put ideas in your head. That's a bullshit excuse. His accusing you of not trusting him is an overreaction. All of this is the real problem here.


    If he was drunk at the time, apologetic after, and he has NEVER been that way before, I may be more willing to let it go. But I have to say this doesn't sit right with me. Is he usually a belligerent drunk? Does he usually raise his voice? Is he quick to anger?
    I think you should have a serious talk with him about why you feel disrespected, and how his hostile, accusatory, gaslighting, and defensive attitude says more about him having something to hide than you not trusting him.
    I'm not saying something happened. I am saying he acted in a way that was uncalled for.
    • Reply
  • Jeni
    Devoted July 2021
    Jeni ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    It does sound a bit like you were "testing" him, which can be disrespectful. You said he told you as soon as he got home that there were strippers, so he wasn't hiding it from you. He probably remembered the number after sobering up and didn't think it was worth bringing up again. Yet you decided to investigate further and quiz him on it, so although his reaction was bad, he was probably irritated by your approach.


    But only you know how your relationship between you is. Does he have a pattern of lying to you? Does he yell or get mad often? Has he cheated on you and that's why you are upset about other women touching him? (Strippers are working and most don't want to have one-night stands with random grooms.) Has he given you other reasons not to trust him? Do you have something from your past that makes you suspicious of people you date? Are there other people in your lives that you don't trust and you're misplacing blame? (Like his friends that ignored his request.) There are tons of questions that you should ask yourself and him so you can move forward.

    Even though the wedding is close, you still need to sit down and make sure this is the right thing for you. Talk to him and get the answers you need. You are the most important person for yourself, and you deserve to be happy. Divorces and annulments are expensive; make sure you're both happy and have an open line of communication before you walk down that asile. ❤
    • Reply
  • Meghan
    Master October 2019
    Meghan ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    I'd be most concerned about the fact that he lied about the amount of strippers not once, but twice. First it was 1 stripper, then it was 2, but actually it was 3? So he is the one lying but you're the one getting yelled at?

    I guess I wouldn't have a long, drawn out argument over it at this point. But I think letting him know that your feelings have been hurt and you don't appreciate it and won't tolerate behavior like this in the future is acceptable.

    Good luck!

    • Reply
  • L
    Savvy June 2020
    Lynette ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    I am not worried or being petty about how many strippers..thats not what im saying. I just asked to see if he remembered. My point is his reaction. Yelling at me to a simple question. Weather it be 2 or 3 or the sky blue or purple that night. Its how he reacted. Why did he jump all over me to a somple question. I ddnt hound him at all. In fact this was our first time talking about the party since that night. That was my point.
    • Reply
  • L
    Savvy June 2020
    Lynette ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    Yes kari! Finally. This is my issue, him snapping at me. Not how many strippers there were. Im really going to try and talk to him. If we have time before family starts coming in. I just hope he doesn't snap at me again. Im like really worried about it. We have no time together. If he is not working, he os sleeping...
    • Reply
  • L
    Savvy June 2020
    Lynette ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    He doesn't drink hardly at all. He wasnt drunk whwn he yelled at me. Never yells at me. Im the one who yells in an agreement. He is the one who always calms me down. I walk away and he comes back to get me and makes us talk and make things right. This time he yelled at me, and then changed the subjust and acted like nothing happened. And we havent talked about it since because he has been working. But yes, this is what im trying to say....why is he so defensive. Why all of a sudden him yelling and telling me i have trust issues. And yes it does put things in my head. He came home that night and told me 2 strippers and told me things that happened while he was drunk. Then a few days later whike not drunk, got offensive when inasked about the 3rd stripper. And now wont tell me a thing about what happened.....sooo, yeah...my head is spinnng. Im trying for it not but it is...
    • Reply
  • Allie
    VIP November 2021
    Allie ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    I feel like the strippers at a bachelor party is always a really touchy subject for every couple because honestly, who wants their man getting stripped on right before a wedding?! Maybe he got so upset with you because he felt like you were harping on something that he felt he already discussed with you. If it’s the first time this has happened, I would sit him down and explain to him why you brought it up and see if that helps any. It sounds like this is the first time this happened and maybe he is upset that you brought up the strippers again when he thought it was over with? I don’t like the strippers at bachelor parties either so I totally get not being okay with it.
    • Reply
  • L
    Savvy June 2020
    Lynette ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    Never cheated, never gave a thought of cheating.. but do you like other women touching your man? Im not being rude, inasked my sister the same question..i dont like woman touching my man, period. I dont know anyine who does. He doesn't yell at me ever. I dont feel i was "testing" him. I think the reason he got so upset is because he doesnt wa t to talk about it. Because ut was a guys night out of fun and i might get upset. Thats all i can think of...
    • Reply
  • L
    Savvy June 2020
    Lynette ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    I totally agree! I dont like the strippers but had ti be ok with them. And tryed to get over them. I think your right about why he got upset. But i dont like how he got sooo upset. That makes me think something happened. If you are that defensive and that uoset of me asking..why? I cant help to put things in my head. There was no reason to yell at me the way he did.
    • Reply
  • Jeni
    Devoted July 2021
    Jeni ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    No worries; I didn't take it as rude. 😊


    I don't mind if other women touch my FH. He has platonic women friends and I have platonic men friends. We trust each other and we had discussions early in our relationship about cheating and what crosses the line. As long as it's not a woman who is trying to get with him, it's harmless. We've been together a long time, so we have a good foundation about what's acceptable and what's not. I also believr that sex work is work, so strippers dancing and touching is part of the job and they really have no interest in the majority of their customers. (But soliciting and receiving sex or sexual favors IS crossing the line in our book.)

    I do think you need to address the yelling, though. How someone treats you when they're upset truly reveals their character. No matter how upset we get at each other, we never swear at each other. (We do swear, just not directed to each other.) That's just a line we don't cross. If that's a line you don't want him to cross, either, speak up for yourself and tell him. Make sure you're calm and relaxed so you guys can have a good conversation about how you deal with frustration and anger. And allow him to state any feeling he may have, too. I think it'll be a good idea to get it off your chest so you have one less thing to worry about on your wedding day.
    And after the convo is over, let it go. If you have this talk and all is good, don't dwell on it and don't bring up this one in the future. You have a lifetime of happy and sometimes not happy events ahead of you two, and when you look back in 10 years, this will be nothing!
    • Reply
  • Jeni
    Devoted July 2021
    Jeni ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    Oh, and I just read your responses to other posters. If you think he's being SUSPICIOUSLY defensiclve, bring that up, too. If he did cross the line, that needs to be addressed now! But I'm truly hoping that's not the case. Trust your gut. Sending positive energy your way!
    • Reply
  • Queen Cone
    Devoted September 2020
    Queen Cone ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    I would let it go even though id be annoyed too. guys do crazy things at their bachelor parties look at all these movies about it.
    • Reply

You voted for . Add a comment 👇

×
WeddingWire celebrates love ...and so does everyone on our site! Explore how we embrace diversity

Groups

Show more

WeddingWire article topics