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Kelsey
Savvy December 2021

Be honest... are we being the jerks?

Kelsey, on January 13, 2020 at 8:25 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 21
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Hello all! So I need to give some background info because this is a little complicated situation. About 9 years ago FH dated a girl for a bit who was having trouble getting her green card. They broke up and moved on, no thought of it.


Well, almost two years later she contacts him that he has a 15 month son with her and she’s broke and needs money. He denied it, the paternity test proved otherwise, they set up a child support agreement. By then, she was engaged to someone else and insisted that she didn’t want my FH to raise the kid, she wanted her fiancé. My future husband at the time both wasn’t ready for a kid and was so angry at her because he felt she used him as a for his citizenship, and money that he didn’t care and backed off. He now sees his son about twice a year and is fine with that.
This is where it gets complicated. My FH baby momma is now going through a divorce and, with it, suddenly really really cares about my FH being there for their son. We moved and as soon as the divorce started, she began insisting we move back, that she wants to share custody, that he needs to be there. My FH is staying his ground and saying he wants to keep the arrangement SHE made and was okay with for the past 7 years.
Anyway, she found out about our wedding and was LIVID that neither one of us had any intention on inviting or including their son. When she contacted FH he changed his mind and agreed that he could come. She then insisted that their son could only be there if she was there, since she doesn’t fully trust FH because he doesn’t have that deep of a relationship with the son, despite FHs sister being fully open to watching their son the whole wedding day. So the question is, given the long and intense history, are we wrong for deciding we would rather him not be there if it meant her too? Or is the morally right thing to suck it up and deal with it?

21 Comments

Latest activity by KAREN, on January 15, 2020 at 4:28 PM
  • Sexypoodle
    Master October 2021
    Sexypoodle ·
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    If it was just your FH‘s son attending, then that’s cool. However, given the history and the various turns of events, I would not have the mother attend and wouldn’t let her know where the wedding is taking place. There’s really no need for the mother to be there. So if she isn’t comfortable with the son being with his father, aunt and other family members, then ultimately the mother is the one who’s preventing her son from attending the wedding.
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  • Sylessia
    Dedicated March 2020
    Sylessia ·
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    I don’t see anything wrong with no inviting their son due to the mom needing/wanting to be there. At this point she is weaponizing the child. Does your FH want to be in their child’s life? If not has he thought about signing over his right? A child is not a pawn to be used when the baby momma feels it’s convenient. At the end of the day there is no need for her to be present at the wedding.
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  • Kristyn
    Devoted July 2020
    Kristyn ·
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    I really dont know exactly how much of a father like figure he feels like in his sons life but honestly I would never not include my child on a day as special as your wedding. eventually you may want to have a relationship with him seeing as he is his son and it shouldnt matter who the mother is or what your relationship with her is. eventually his son will be aware of all rlthe decisions made and it could effect him his father not really wanting him around for things that are special! I hope that their relationship gets better and that the mother and you both can have a good relationship for the son. that's just my opinion having children myself I just feel that I wouldnt do anything without them!
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  • Suzie
    Super October 2021
    Suzie ·
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    Agreed with this! It’s absolutely absurd to have this woman there, and honestly I don’t trust the situation at all. She sounds like a piece of work, and I would be prepared for some serious drama if she attends. He can politely say, sorry we are not comfortable with that, but would love to have him there. As Poodle said, if she pushes back, it’s on her for the son to not be attending. This is your wedding day, and I would personally would not want anyone there that I didn’t want, especially someone who makes me wary. He can have a relationship with his son, should he decide, without him attending the wedding. They two are not one and the same. Good luck, keep us posted!
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  • Suzie
    Super October 2021
    Suzie ·
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    I understand what you’re saying, but I feel like this situation is completely different. This child did not grow up with his dad, and they do not have a strong relationship from what it sounds like. This woman is manipulating the situation to get her way. It absolutely matters who the mother is and what the relationship is/was with her. I would never invite my son’s father to my wedding. It’s totally inappropriate and not somewhere he needs to be. I would never say my son could only go to his father’s wedding unless I was there. Not somewhere I need to be. Especially at the expense of the bride’s feelings.
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  • Kristyn
    Devoted July 2020
    Kristyn ·
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    I do agree with the fact the child mother doesnt need to be their but I think it's a positive view for the son to see the parents getting along. my FH is from a divorced set of parents and his father and mother remained very good friends and his father is also very good friends with the step father. I think to be raised with parents that can put differencs aside for their children show the child a lot of compassion in life, and promotes maybe a door for the son to have a better relationship with the father
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  • Chrysta
    Master November 2022
    Chrysta ·
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    It sounds like she is being manipulative. Why on earth wouldn’t she feel comfortable with her son being at his father’s wedding if she is trying to force shared custody of him?!
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  • Fleur
    October 2020
    Fleur ·
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    There’s no way I’d let this woman near my wedding lol. From the outside looking in, with no details other than what you shared (lol) it sounds like there may be an opportunity to further cultivate the relationship btwn dad and son. But this is a separate issue that can be worked over time at a safe, comfortable pace, completely unrelated to the wedding. Good luck!!
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  • Kelsey
    Savvy December 2021
    Kelsey ·
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    It’s not so much my feelings, more FHs. I interact so rarely with both mom and child that it’s not a concern (in 3 years I doubt I’ve spent more than 24 hours TOTAL with the son). I started to doubt myself because FHs family thought we were being to harsh by saying she was a deal breaker.


    It also worries FH that this new intention to include him in sons life literally only started after she began her divorce. He is weary of starting a relationship for the child, only for her to start dating again and pull the kid away. Her reasons for the newfound desire for connect isn’t “he’s your son, you should grow closer” it’s always “with his step-dad gone he needs a male figure” or “who is gonna teach him guy things like how to throw a football” which makes FH feel like he will easily be replaced by the next boyfriend. His whole relationship with son has been defined by mom and he doesn’t want this wedding to be either.
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  • Cassandra7
    Super August 2006
    Cassandra7 ·
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    I think it's time your fiancé talked with a lawyer about custody and child support and what he can do to keep his son's mother from invading and manipulating his life.

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  • Jennifer
    Super March 2020
    Jennifer ·
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    She is manipulating your relationship. She didnt want him as a father. She sure liked the extra cash though. She is toxic. I think it is wise of you to stand your ground and tell her she is not welcome. The son is, but if one can't come without the other then so be it. The rest of your life shouldn't include this toxic woman. I feel terrible for the child stuck in the middle, but chances are, you won't ever see full custody or more rights. I am not sure I would bother with pampering her needs.
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  • Jennifer
    Super March 2020
    Jennifer ·
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    Side note- my brothers baby mama is schizophrenic and is pretty nutty when it comes to their kid. My nephew is autistic and she walked out on them years ago because she "didn't want a disabled child" her words weren't as kind as my quotes. My point is, people are terrible and you are within your right to be cautious about this woman. My brothers ex comes around randomly to take him to court to retain custody. Calls his places of employment to try and get him fired. Pulled a gun on him and my nephew. The list goes on. Your lady does not sound too stable so I ENCOURAGE you to not include her. I liked what another poster said about getting courts involved so she cannot manipulate your life anymore.
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  • Jeanie
    Super February 2020
    Jeanie ·
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    Not sure how much time you have, but you can get a court order to have the child at the wedding without the mother in attendance. It’s actually not super uncommon in complicated situations, but can be a hassle.

    Your fiancé really needs to decide what kind of relationship he wants with the child, because the kid has got to be old enough to see if his dad doesn’t want him around. I suggest the two of you think about if you want this child in your lives, and if you want to make it work. This will be your stepchild soon, and it sounds like he could use some positive and loving influence in his life. Just because he made an agreement so many years ago, doesn’t mean it can’t change. But if the child is not at the wedding because you didn’t invite him, that’s definitely something he’s going to remember and may prevent the two of them from ever bonding.
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  • Andrea
    Master January 2021
    Andrea ·
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    I think this situation is SO complicated. I agree with Cassandra that your fiance should get some insight from a lawyer. Pertaining to the wedding, I really don't understand why the baby's mother would have to be there. Makes 0 sense. I cannot stand when vindictive parents use children as a means to get what they want. Very cold and not fair to anyone including the child.

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  • Sabrina
    Devoted April 2020
    Sabrina ·
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    This is a lose-lose scenario, in the sense that you say yes, she can come with her son and she may ruin your day. Or you say no, she cant come with her son, she doesn't allow the boy to go and she trashes your FH and tells the son that the father didn't want him there. While I think the latter option is better (she is likely trash talking FH to the son anyways), your FH will need to decide the relationship he has with his child. That child will get to a point where he will see people for who they are and will form him own opinions (and thats from speaking from experience).

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  • Kelsey
    Savvy December 2021
    Kelsey ·
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    FH is pretty set on the decision to not include either of them if it is a package deal. I am the one who was questioning the decision because I didn't expect all the backlash from our families. The good news is, from what we can tell she is a genuinely good mother. The issue has always been with her not wanting FH to actually be the father. He has never been invited to birthdays, school events... NOTHING, so we both shocked she insisted they both come to the wedding. I do know FH has sought legal advice about signing away his rights, but the state she lives in has VERY strict laws, and unless he can prove he is emotionally or financially incapable (but he is) or her ex-husband had decided to adopt the son (he didn't), all he can really do is just pay the child support until the child becomes 18. He is convinced that if child support wasn't a thing, she would have never told him the child existed. After all, he was 15 months old when she finally told him.


    Regardless, I want to fully support FH's decision to not include his son, now that I know we are not being totally heartless. His family was pushing against our decision pretty hard and acting like it was a black and white decision, but if FH has made up his mind and I will support it.

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  • Jennifer
    Super March 2020
    Jennifer ·
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    Yea that isn't okay. I get so upset when I hear people going after child support but not wanting to include the other parent. At least she seems like a good mom from what you can see. I don't think you are heartless. Unfortunately, the mom created tension between everyone and she got what she asked for. No involvement. I'd be so worried she would just cause a scene honestly.
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  • S
    Expert October 2019
    Sara ·
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    She sounds crazy.. I honestly feel bad for the son because this whole situation must be pretty confusing for him. You’re not being the jerks
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  • Jennifer
    VIP August 2021
    Jennifer ·
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    I agree with this 100%. This woman will continue this behavior until the child is 18 if there isn't something legally binding keeping her in check.

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  • C
    Super December 2021
    Casey ·
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    Okay, THIS. Forget the wedding right now, your FH needs to decide if and how much he wants to be in this child's life and get legal backing to set that in place because this back and forth can deeply, negatively effect this child. As Jeanie said, eventually he will be old enough to see what's really going on and that day may come sooner than you think. FH needs to decide what he wants first, then you both can decide about the wedding after.
    It is not an easy situation, best of luck!
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