BAM Bishes- BAM

JoRocka · 2016-11-17T19:17:20-05:00

Alrighty ladies.... This is going to be both picture- and word heavy. But I'll try to keep it separate for those who chose not to read- do not have to.

Master September 2016

JoRocka · on November 17, 2016 at 7:18 PM

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Here is a link to the none pro Bam

https://www.weddingwire.com/wedding-forums/irrelevant-and-married-non-pro-bammity-bam-bam-bishes/6aeb459604ceda22.html?page=1

PRO BAM!

For those of you TLR types

I got married, it was beautiful-

Celia’s literally the best thing ever.

Pixie Vision Photography is the best thing ever.

Hubby and bestie are the best thing ever.

Weddings and family suck ass- I’ll hard pass next time.

Honeymoon was awesome.

Hire the best vendors you can. Pay for the best you can afford- but no more. I'm very #teamsmallwedding- we had a great time

Also #teamcoloreddress

It definitely didn't feel like a funeral.

We had alcohol, music, and food. and pictures.

No DJ- only one speech- that was my drunk brother- but you'll see.

I had no illusions of grandeur. It was NOT the best day ever- but it was a good day-d and I look back fondly on my pictures now despite the stress- but you can read about that in a minute if you want.

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Master September 2016

JoRocka · on November 17, 2016 at 7:20 PM

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For those of you who want the way too long wall of text commentary:

Well ladies- the day has come- pro pictures.

But I started in on this just after the honeymoon as I do not want to forget many of the details- and it seems to make more sense to do this now- although- it’s going to be excessively long.

I want to start the week before- so the week of Labor Day- the 5th. I was supposed to be gone that weekend- my now husband asked me to clear my schedule. So I did. We closed the dance studio as it was a holiday weekend. Except- he cancelled the plans. ABORT. Now- Suddenly- I had nothing to do. So I went to visit him- but wound up coming back early- I had to work out- and honestly- my now husband had to work a double Saturday and Monday- so I saw him Sunday then left Monday and spent the bulk of my afternoon in the gym. That entire week was anxiety. I don’t do well with large blocks of free time.

I felt nothing but resentment about hosting a party that wasn’t “me”- not “my day” kind of party- but it was not the kind of party I would have thrown if given my options. It was an adult party for parents and family. Nothing wrong with it- but since we were footing the bulk of the bill- it was causing me resentment and bitterness. I’m ridiculous and carefree and drink and dance. This party was not going to be that.

Sometime during the week I had a friend confess his crush pangs on me. This did not aide to my resentment and panic about being married- I’m a little bit of a dude- “settling down” and getting married seems so permanent and final. It scared me a little.

6 Days out- Friday 9th

Work in the AM- then I managed to score an appointment with the hair whisperer- so I left for that and then my teeth cleaning appointment and back to work.

FH took the day off- so I planned our date night for that night. I hit up the gym super fast after work- came home- showered and got all cute in an adorable white dress I never wear- because I planned a date night and I wanted to give him his wedding band. I’m about ready to go and I can’t find him.

Call around- still putting shoes/earrings on- call around.

Finally I look out back. And there is this mother fucker out back picking up the dirty ass fire wood. Needless to say- I’m stabby- we have an 8 PM reservation- it’s now 735- and I call out back and tell him let’s go. And I strip down and put on jeans and a t-shirt. He comes back in and fusses at me with his “you’re not even ready to go” and of course this sets me off and now I’m REALLY salty. I’m about ready to scrap dinner entirely kind of salty.

We drive in silence the entire 30 minutes. We semi settle our differences before we go inside- and we have nice dinner- of which about half way through I get a wicked gas cramp. Like- ruined my night kind of cramp. We hung out with the owner for about 10 minutes then bounced- I was laid out as flat as I could in the car trying to massage this fucking thing out- he stopped at the grocery store and bought me some gas X.

Sexy right?

Anyway- that was Friday.

Saturday- 5 days out and a wake up- we had a show- so I did dance class, the show, then I went to the mall and spent an obscene amount of money on new makeup and gifts for our mom’s. (I went to lush- I got a bath box and a shower box- both of which were big hits).

Then I rushed home and my friends picked me up and took me to my surprise bachelorette party. Which was AWESOME. I’m super grateful for my dance family. They are amazing. We had fajitas and I had a giant chalice of margarita mix and we played some games and just had a great time. They dropped me off and I passed the EFF OUT.

Sunday was unremarkable other than my house is now looking a bit like a storm hit it- I hadn’t finished my beaded stupid name tag cards and I was starting to get stressed. 4 days out.

4 days and a wake up

Monday 12 Sept- I woke up genuinely excited that it was my wedding week. Nothing unusual- just work- gym- dance.

3 days and a wake up

Tuesday 13 Sept- I woke up wondering why I was getting married and I should I be going out and having one last wild night at the strip club. yeah- I absolutely thought it. Why? No idea. Pure panic I suppose. Nothing happened. But as much as I want to side eye people for having those thoughts- I can’t. I had them. My parents arrived this night- so added level of stress knowing they had landed- although I would not see them till the following afternoon.

2 day and a wake up

Wed 14 Sept- I’m legit nervous and wondering why I’m getting married- second guessing myself- the panic from the day before- the fact this shit is permanent. All of it- legitimately made me question what the fuck I was doing if I was really ready. My boss fortunately totally got it. So we had a nice chat about it. We ordered Mexican- This was awesome.

I settled up work/timesheets/away message etc etc- and literally bolted out the door for the spa- met up with mom and dad- did the spa thing. Mom graciously footed the bill for facials and pedicures and massages. We did the dry sauna thing to. And we got blow outs. It was really nice- I was starting to feel better about all of this. Went home 3.5 hrs later- and immediately got into an epic fight with my father- that resulted in said wine bottle through the wall. That was a hard night- I went to the gym and lifted- which was hard- I don’t lift well when I’m upset- it takes away to much energy and focus from my lifts. Cue awkwardness with said dude with the crush. This has now put an awkward strain on my relationship and even our mutual friend noticed things were weird. Added level of stress.

Sigh. M (husband/FH) was off on Wednesday- but apparently the civil service exam he wanted to take was scheduled that night for 6 PM. Balls. He’s sort of running errands and wound up all over the map and eventually came down to see me that night because of how upset I was. But we had a hard conversation in the early hours as we lay awake about if we wanted to go through with the wedding or get married. We legit were discussing if we should call the whole thing off. It was that kind of stressful and serious.

Final Day + a wake up!

Thursday 15 Sept. I went and picked up my special made groom’s cake- a TARDIS. SUPER adorable. Vented to my friend a little who obviously saw I was visibly not okay.

I spent some time sitting in the parking lot enjoying the sun and my coffee and pondering life. I went back home by 930 and spent another hour with M. Eventually he left- he needed to go shopping- he had no clothes for vacation and had to run some last minute errands.

I am packing/cleaning and working on song play lists for dinner. My bestie is in transit and I knew would be arriving around noon. We then had roughly an hour to move out and be at the nail salon by 2 PM.

Bestie took the cake to the hotel- I went straight to the salon and met mom there- turns out my dad and brother were there too- I wasn’t really expecting my brother to be there- because I just wasn’t- and with all the other things on my brain- I didn’t recognize him when I happened to see him. (He called out at me when I was walking to the car so I just glanced in his direction)- Needless to say he didn’t appreciate that.

Whatever you fucking clown.

We sat down to do nails and I almost burst out crying the second the lady asked me for what I wanted- because I had some ideas but at that point it was all just mush in my brain. Mom tried to hug me but I hated everyone and everything about the wedding so it wasn’t very comforting. Eventually I pulled myself up by my fucking big girl panties and picked something.

All of us pretty much just our nails polished and painted- no acrylics. As sad as I was that my nails weren’t “as nice” as they could have been – ultimately I’m glad- It only cost 25$ with a very generous tip- and no one really paid extra for something else. Which made me feel good because mom’s in the middle of moving a ranch- and my best friend is a huge tomboy- so for them nails would have been a superfluous waste of money.

So that was nice.

Okay- moving on.

Nails. Check

Food stop check!

Target stop- check-

I pick up my new Samsung Tablet on sale at Target- this is because as of 5 PM I still technically had no music for cocktail/dinner. I’d set the play lists but no method other than my phone to play- which wasn’t ideal.

Anyway- so we pick that shit up- and then officiant calls to solidify. Check check.

The baker calls. Needs to drop something off. Okay- I’ll go do that- Mom/Bestie go to hotel- plan is “confirm dinner- I’ll meet you there” So I run to venue/baker and drop off the cake do-bopper. I then hoof it to the Irish Bar to have dinner with my family and Bestie.

My family is now all drinking- and already blown through apps by the time I’ve arrived. I coordinated with bestie and she’s ordered me an Irish Coffee because I need caffeine and booze and it’s waiting for me upon arrival YAY! I’m feeling a little emotionally detached and kind of surreal at this point. And at this point I realize it’s starting get weird… and loud. My 35 year old brother is socially awkward and loud- as usual. He wants to feel relevant and needed and important and his way of doing that is judging everyone’s food choices (he’s a chef). So we order- I get a burger- he’s not paying for shit and orders an expensive ass steak- and asks me what I’m ordering. “a burger” he screws up his face and goes “wow that’s boring”

Yeah well I didn’t like anything else on the menu. And burgers are pretty consistent- it’s hard to really ruin one. Cue- the diatribe on how easy to ruin a burger. Dude. I don’t fucking care. It’s a burger. As long as it isn’t a meteorite burnt puck with crappy cheese on it- I’m pretty happy.

Moving.The.Fuck.On.

He wants to celebrate SHOTS!!! Dude- we have to get up early in the AM- I’m not doing shots.

Que questions about why we are getting up at 430AM. So I am trying to explain to the family why we are doing the pictures in the morning. And hair and make-up etc etc. My dad looks concerned about why no one is going to be there for pictures – he’s like none of us are going? No one’s going to be in the pictures?

(This concern is relevant for the following day- so put this “concern” in your back pocket- it comes back up tomorrow.)

Then I say- what you all need to know is hair and makeup starts at 1130. Guys are wondering what we are doing and why it takes so long- and what they need to do. Well- if you can pick up lunch- we’ll order from Panera- that would be fucking brilliant.

And I’m now trying to explain for some reason why makeup and hair takes so long for 4 people. And my brother is like “why does that take so long- that doesn’t even make sense” And it soon escalates to YELLING at me in angry why it made no sense. Like- not trying to understand- but just yelling “you know what I could do with 2 hours of my time” (go ahead- tell me- you don’t do anything but watch porn and play videos games- so go ahead and tell me how productive your days are). And you all know how I feel about my makeup- so I’m not going to sit there and not say shit. And it soon devolves into him with his hand 5” from my face pointing and yelling saying “I’m NOT GOING TO SIT HERE AND LET HER DISRESEPT ME AND WALK ALL OVER ME I’m TIRED OF THIS SHIT”

Yeah- public restaurant… on the patio. Yelling at me- about fucking make up. He gets up- storms up and out to the bar. Fine- whatever. Eventually my dad goes and gets him. He comes back with his jack and coke and makes a huge scene of walking to the end of the table grabbing a spare chair and sitting as far away from me as possible. Remember- 35 year old man.

Dessert has been delivered. Brother is back- family is awkward but we are socially soldiering on it seems. Up until my fucking father- takes it upon himself to spark up a conversation by dropping this little social bomb on the table.

“Anyone want to guess the sexual orientation of that kid at that table over there” (over there- meaning we are on the patio of this restaurant- and we are sharing the space with other people at other tables- all 10-15 feet away ? MAYBE. So WE ARE IN PUBLIC. OPEN AIR.

Cue sharp looks from my mother and myself down the table at him. And of course- no one in their right mind is going to say anything right? Like why would you engage with that?

Nope- not my brother- this is his change to stay relevant and say things!! “Well- pink shorts flamboyant accent…. I don’t really need to guess!”

As he starts to say this- Mom, Bestie and myself stare at him mouth agape and I say “shut.the.fuck.up”- mom has simultaneously said “SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” To which – his sensitive man child feelings are already hurt from the make up fiasco 5 minutes ago and he shouts I WILL NOT BE QUITE I DON”T HAVE TO BE PC THIS IS AMERICA I CAN SAY WHAT I WANT!”

Seriously. Cannot make this shit up.

He’s not even done speaking and my best friend has stood up- thrown 20$ on the table and walked around and picked up my car keys and said “we’re leaving” and we walked out.

Fucking.MORTIFIED.

Both of us smoke on the way back to the hotel. I’m practically in tears. So- that was dinner.

Eventually I texted my mother and said I had a gift for her and if she wanted to come down and get it she could. So she toddled down and hung out with us and drank champagne and opened her LUSH gift box. (Totally a great purchase by the way). We are starting to try to set up the tablet for music- trying to get it to down load Spotify and my playlists – which is taking HOURS. So this is starting to stress me out- but it’s just a slow process.

In the mean time, we had a lot of fun giggling about the directions and just hanging out. This is a 1.5 hours of my life I will cherish. I do not always agree with my mother- and sometimes I am annoyed with her defense of my ignorant father- but it was time well spent and I’ll remember her laughing so hard she was crying. This was a good moment- and there were tears and laughter and it was really good.

She brought me a bag of stuff to- so she walked me through the gifts she brought me. The card box was my great grandmothers- I had asked if dad wanted to make me a wood box for my cards- turns out they cleaned up this old box and revamped it for my use. It’s beautiful and very sentimental. They’ve been cleaning out their home in preparation for the move and she had uncovered some really cool stuff that had been passed down and she passed it on to me. So that was really special and awesome. I don’t know what to fucking do with some of it- but it’s neat that we have it.

Eventually we call it a night- I prep make up, laying out what I need and getting coffee set up. And we go to bed.

430/445 comes mighty early. I get my cup of coffee- Bestie woke up but rolled over and went back to sleep. And I took over the bathroom. It took me the entire 2 hours to get ready. I did my make-up first-because 1.) I’m more comfortable with it and 2.) I like my hair pulled back (I get foundation in it otherwise) and honestly I should have done the hair first. I finished make up around 545 AM (I think) and start hustling through my hair- of which I am mediocre at best. 630 I’m finishing up hair after burning myself 3 times and going through about a million bobby pins- and the bestie is rolling around trying to get up.

I’m now in full GO GO GO mode. She knows we need to be out the door rolling at 645- ETA at Art Factory is NLT 730.

I get dressed and she helps me get my shoes on and we hustle out the door and make a quick stop at Starbucks for more breakfast for her and me. 100% NEEDED and grateful I grabbed something- I wish I had grabbed more than I did (I got a chocolate croissant- but I don’t do Starbucks so I panicked. LOL

It’s technically only 20-25 minutes up to the Art Factory. But as expected there is traffic on the GSP headed into NYC at 7 AM. We arrived exactly on time and pull in and park. I’ve been told to stay put until Pixie (photographer comes to get me) We wait for about 5-10 minutes. And now at this point- (I’ve never been to this location) I’m getting to drink in the location and the light and the moment…. And my coffee. Bestie is on Panera App planning lunch while we sit. Pixie comes to get us and says- leave anything you don’t need- let’s go the light is perfect!!!

So we do our first look- semi first look- I chose to not wear my actual gown by the Morticia Adams dress. It was a good choice because we went all.over. this dirty factory. It was amazing. Once we got through the “first look” bit- we just- omg- so much art- we took so many amazing pictures. We had 8-10 locations we walked to inside this factory- the lighting was fucking brilliant at 730 for out side shots. It was just amazing.

But let me back up- the first look was a little weird- knowing it was 8 hours early of the wedding- it was still a little nerve wracking and cute and anxious- especially with the photographer and assistant there clicking away. So nervous- but not? I’m really glad we did it this way.

We actually did it twice so she could get a different aspect of the look. He looked so handsome in his grey 3 piece suit. He rarely gets dressed up so it was adorable.

My photographer Pixie- let me explain a little. She’s like a fricking 5 foot pile of energy who loves making art. And she is VERY direct. So- high energy- and direct. The two of us together kind of feed off each other- so it was high energy and very intense- unfortunately I keep a lot of stiffness in my chest and my upper body- so constantly breathing and trying to relax when you need to be “ON” was really hard.

FYI people if you don’t know- making art and posing is fucking hard work. So for any bridals or e pictures or whatever- make sure you eat- and breathe and relax. It CAN be very frustrating.

But trust your photographer- if it feels weird and she says don’t move- don’t move. But don’t be afraid to go for the light- don’t be afraid to take a chance with a picture- they’ll let you know if it’s not working (least if they are any good).

I was really grateful I brought my bestie- she helped the assistant (who is my dance teachers niece who assists pixie when she’s on the East Coast)- found junk for us to pose with and then walked everywhere with lights and stuff. Alice and Chains filmed a music video there once- and the Art Factory loved it so much they left the decorations up- which are all these lightbulbs hanging down in this dark dank room- it’s fucking amazing. She showed me a few pictures are on her camera when we were doing them- some of them are just- gah- I’m so excited to see them.

It was exhausting- and by 845 M was getting worn down- I could tell. By 9- 910 he was about done.

We did a few more pictures then wrapped up at 930 on the dot. Made plan to regroup and parted ways headed to the hotel. I think we got back around 1015- Bestie disappeared to handle something and I jumped in the shower and stripped down hair and make-up and eyelashes and tried to reorganize the space for round two. We had a little down time- family was having breakfast out in the hallway- so I toddled out to meet up and say good morning. Spirits were high and no one seemed phased by the utter catastrophe that was the night before. Bagles had been produced so we had bagels for breakfast.

Hair and make-up arrived 15 minutes early and we escorted them to the room and they began setting up. I loved my hair and make-up team. They were honestly amazing. Granted- I think all bridal make up looks the same- I booked MakeUp Luxe based purely on the fact the make-up was good-and she used the word ‘amazballs’ in a blog. Really meshing with someone was more important- again- bridal make up looks the same- so as long as she was good- I was happy. Turns out they were fucking amazing. AND funny and awesome.

Photographer show up around 130 as planned we coordinate the afternoon plan- and she does some detail pictures. In the middle of this- my dad has been sort of like- barging in and out of the room annoyingly. So at some point- my photographer is on the bed- my mom was in the corner- I’m in the chair and I hear knock knock. And dad swings open the door and in walks me Aunt- no warning- at all. He didn’t text anyone- didn’t send anyone to let us know. So NO one had any clue.

And no one quit realizes it’s her. (Haven’t seen her in like years and we weren’t expecting it). So there’s like this weird moment where no one knows who this strange person who walked into the room is- the whole room just sort of stopped for a breathe and waited. And then my mom looks at her- and then does a double take and starts fucking BAWLING.

So now my mom’s hugging my sister and almost EVERYONE is crying- my dad’s standing there like an ass- and my photographer is on the bed- and I start shouting at her to take pictures. She launches herself off the bed and dives on to the floor to get her other camera and starts shooting.

Pixie is a photography ninja. She totally got it. But I was fucking stabby as hell my dad didn’t say anything to let us be prepared. Asshole. Anyway- we are drinking- and eating- everyone ate that day- we all were rotating in and out of the chairs- we had a table reserved in the lobby for us to have food- so the Panera was there for us and we just ate and went back to the room and rotated food and hair and make up- which was awesome.

#teamPaneraforlunch!

Hubs youngest sister (make up only )arrives on time between 2 and 230 (THANK GOD)- we were running a little behind at this point- we were supposed to be done by 3 I think- but there was plenty of time built in. She settles in with champagne and we start talking about logistics for getting to the venue- things had shifted a little and we lost the plot. So Bestie sits with me and we start working out the final 1.5 hour to “GO” time (we need to leave NLT 345).

M showed up at the hotel HELLA early (2 maybe?)- all dressed- he was so funny, Bestie is like “why are you dressed already”

“I panicked”

LMAO- I was told her that was what he would say to- hysterical. But we got him settled in to our suite upstairs. We coordinated with how to get me out of door/building without him seeing me and then transitioning stuff up stairs to the suit. We organize rides/cars and people, M’s sister gets her face finished- gets dressed- we change the plan for me to get ready at the venue so we can do some get ready pictures with mom…. So we pack up the dress and accessories and away we go!!! She drives like a crazy person to get us there- but we were easily there by 4 PM (wedding is at 5 PM).

Dad, brother and Mom’s already dressed and there- venue is coming together- my florist was there- she was fucking brilliant- easily the best decision every to hire them. I go upstairs with mom- everyone else is helping organize and get familiar with everything.

Celia (BEST OFFICIANT EVER) is already on site and ready to roll.

We do the getting ready pictures and some candids up stairs in this massively beautiful bedroom that made my photographer's eyes pop out of her head- it was so adorable and awesome. I don’t remember who brought my bouquet up stairs- but I’d sort of passed it on my way upstairs (it was laying there on to of something) and didn’t realize that was what it was. And I remember someone handed it to me and I remember it took my breath away- just stunning. I was blown away at how beautiful it was.

Bestie arrives with M- she comes up stairs and we start coordinating “entrance” stuff.

Celia asks the question “license?” so I send Bestie to go get it. M says “I don’t have it”

Bestie comes back up stairs- “he doesn’t have it”

CUE GIANT JO WHAT THE FUCK MOMENT.

HE FUCKING HAD IT IN HIS CAR FOR A WEEK WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN HE DOESN'T HAVE IT?!?!?!

Turns out she asked him for MY drivers license. Which of course he didn’t have. And he was super confused- and she was confused because she didn’t understand which license she was asking for. LOL- She went back down- got it and came back up and totally went “my bad dude” LOL it was funny- but for 5 minutes I was LIIIITTTEEE.

Okay- where are we- 445? Because of the way the venue is (with an upstairs and a downstairs) I can actually open one of the bedroom doors and look down on the ceremony space and see my musicians and the guests.

By 445 I’m legit nervous about this and I just want to go. But more importantly- there appear to be NO guests- I can only see less than 10 people. At one point I look down and M looks like a lost puppy just standing there- and Celia looks out and goes- yes- yes he does. Let me go save the lost puppy.

It was adorable.

About that time I close up the doors and chat with my friend a little. And my dad comes up around 5. I think this was the first time he saw me? We hugged- but honestly it was flat and unemotional- a lot of people have that moment with their family. And honestly- I never had it. At all. Not with my mom- or my dad- or my brother. Writing this now sitting in my desk at work realizing that- makes me really upset. #noImnotcryingatworkokayliesmaybeIam.

Actually- now that I think about it- my father appeared to be far more emotional the day we parted at VMI and he turned to me and said “you are the best of us”. Sigh. Wow- how far my life has changed.

And I don’t remember any of my family telling me anything about me- not how nice I looked- not how proud they were of me- nothing. Holy crap. Yeah. I’m losing it at my desk. All of this felt very sterile to me. Sigh. Okay- moving on. Maybe I’m totally missing it and have forgotten it- but I don’t remember it at all.

Dad comes upstairs- and it’s now 5:03 says well- “Mike’s sister is late” … blank stair of unsurprised.

“she called and said she’s 20 minutes late- can we wait for her”

Um. No. – I said 5:10- We are rolling. The ceremony was to be at 5. In my mind we are already late- and I’m not keeping guests waiting.

So we rolled out at 5:10. I’m pretty sure my dad organized everyone to sit the eff down and shut up. He’s good at that when he’s got his uniform on.

I was upstairs- and had to come down the stairs- through the dining room and into the ballroom. Which was almost a straight shot- so I essentially had to peek around the corner to make sure they were ready for me and my song was playing- turns out- it was- they had already started it. (Point 1 where I wish I had had a DOC)

So I walked through the dining room and took a deep breath and walked slower than I’ve probably ever walked in my life. I was really super persnickety about only walking on the 1 and 3 of the music- which meant I was walking crazy slow- alone. HA. MY TINY MOMENT AND I’m TAKING EVERY SECOND OF IT! No one walked me- which was even odder because I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to be looking at my families- who are all right there. I didn’t. #sorrynotsorry

Got to the front of the room and arranged myself with my soon to be husband in front of Celia. I felt like we didn’t know where to stand and kept sort of re-adjusting ourselves. I was sort of spaced out at this point- other than being with M and him being super emotional. I finally realized Celia was legit choking up over our reading at the beginning of the ceremony and it sort of snapped me back down to reality. I was grateful to that because I was sort of missing the moment- but sad because I missed part of the poem- because it’s really a poignant poem that I felt described us well.

After that I was very attentive- M kept fidgeting and trying not to cry. It was adorable. There were some really funny parts to our ceremony and everyone laughed- including M and myself. There were some not so inside jokes that made people laugh- and Celia even stopped at one point and said “ I don’t think I’ve honestly ever said ‘tacos’ this many times in a ceremony before”- and we all laughed and I said “BECAUSE… TACOS!!!” So that was really awesome.

Side note- the assistant had come up stairs to get the rings- and I’d forgotten all about that. Entirely.

So now we are standing- and we get to the ring part- and I had an instant panic attack- legit couldn’t remember where they were. HA- they were right there on the little table at the front next to us. *snort* it was funny. We did repeat after me vows- which now that I look back- I’m glad we did- it was much easier. My ring finger nail was red- and the rest were black- so I told him when he went to put it on my hand “I said the red one- you’re welcome- I even color coded them for you” Which we all chuckled at.

Side bar- Pixie was awesome- she was everywhere- I don’t even remember where she stood for all of it- but I do know she was on the floor taking a picture UP at us for the handfasting ceremony. What I also remember was M’s uncle standing up behind her with his oversized camera CLICK CLICK CLICKING away. Like. Dude. Sit down- you see I have a tiny 5 foot flat fire ball photographer. She’s amazing. Just sit- and enjoy. Nope. Not so much.- oh well.

There were more words after that- but I don’t remember much- I mean- I remember standing there- and the kiss wasn’t nearly as magical as I Thought- M makes a funny face when he has to kiss me with lipstick on- no matter how much I tell him it’s transfer proof. Anyway- so we kissed twice- someone yelled really loud- I thought it was my dad- but I think it was actually my bestie. And we walked out- the photographer actually stopped us to do the arm raised- thing- which I should have told her I didn’t want to do- but whatever. We did stop and kiss again- I wish I was paying more attention and had actually kissed him- but at that moment it felt like we were just trying to escape.

We went upstairs and enjoyed a minute to ourselves. We said silly things like- whew- we are married-and said Hey husband. Hey wife and giggled and kissed a little.(we say ‘hey’- a lot to each other- it’s a not very secret word for us that’s like hey come here I want to tell you how much I love you).

Jessie already knew to plug the tablet in for music- and soon enough it was up and running. Everyone started in on cocktail hour and drinks. We headed back down and into the “ceremony” space (really the ballroom) to do portraits.

This was a fucking chore. It was like wrangling cats- everyone was to busy NOT paying attention to the photographer. Considering it’s someone I know and EVERYONE was ignoring her- I was HUGELY embarrassed. I finally had to grab my dad and say- you’re job right here and now is to pay attention and do this thing- not go wandering off.

We FINALLY got through the pictures- it was MAYBE 30 minutes? But it was effing TORTURE-Honestly- of my regrets- this is where I wish I had sprung for a DOC. Really. My family was mortifying and just awful. Torture- I swear. I was so embarrassed regarding my family. I did a really bad job making the photolist though- which sucked- it had NO flow- (from group to group) and I just- I seriously dropped the ball on it- so half that was my fault. I also didn’t really ask Hubs- although he wouldn’t have cared and at some point he was like- I want a picture with so and so- like god damnit- you would have definitely not wanted to be involved in this from months ago when I made it (he had access to the list of pictures to) so ipso facto- you default to my list. So that was a kerfluffle. The head staff guy brought us a specific tray full of apps just for us so we were able to nosh a little while we were doing pictures- I also had someone put a drink in my hand – which was GREAT. (Point 2 where a DOC would have really helped SO much more here dealing with that.)

Somewhere between cocktail hour and dinner and pictures- I saw Celia had come back inside (didn’t even realize she left) to get her gift of glitter champagne and I sat on the stairs and talked with her for a minute- it was a wonderful change to sit and connect with someone. I loved every second of those 5 minutes. I believe she left somewhere in there- I’m not even sure LOL.

Then we went to the reception- so I guess I got about 30-45 minutes talking to people- Uncle wanted pictures- so more standing for pictures- which by this point I realized I was EXHAUSTED of taking pictures- I didn’t want to do it ANY FUCKING MORE. But upside- I shared with you all some of them- because I got them sooner than my pros- so upside/down side LMAO

So I got to eat some apps- I have literally NO idea what M was doing during this time- we were completely separated.

I was annoyed at some point talking to my friends we turned at witnessed my dad being a complete fucking ham in front of the photographer- dipping my mom and stuff. And we were like “wow- take family pictures and It’s a fight- turn around and all the sudden it’s Pixie this, Pixie that- pixie this!!!”

I know my mom was like “oh can we get a picture of so and so- but X is missing” God bless fucking Pixie- she was ON.HER.SHIT. She said- well that’s not my job- when you get all your people- come find me. She absolutely was NOT going to be held hostage by random guests for group pictures. I was SO pleased with her tenacity. Hire a pro ladies- hire a real pro.

At some point we moved to dinner- which was a SUPER easy transition. We went buffet- not as nice as plated- but it definitely worked for us. I had Jessie switch out the music- and while annoying to ask my friend to do that- it was no big crisis since she knew what to click and it was one click. Ideal- but a none issue.

We got our plates first and sat and ate right away. Which was nice- the food was very good- I was really picky about the steak- we told them absolutely NO steak served more than Medium Rare- if someone requested it more cooked they could send it back for more- but absolutely NO meat was to be brought out that wasn’t at least pink. And what I saw- pink meat. (giggity giggity)- so that was GREAT.

People say the day goes flying by so drink it in. But honestly I remember around 1 or 2 how long the day was and how much I just wish it would be over. But by the time we got to dinner it truly was flying by.

We had a great dinner- and the music was honestly perfect. Lots of theme songs from movies and shows and video games- all instrumental. And it was great when people realized what it was- it really was a fun conversation piece. We had 4 tables- 3 full and one empty- I had 3 people leave- 1 person was SUPER late- she got stuck at work and barely ate- I felt SO badly for her. But she was gracious and I was able to go get a plate I went with her to the food and made sure she got fed. My photographer and assistant absolutely got a chance to sit and eat at one of our tables and they seemed to have a great time chatting with one of my friends. Was REALLY glad they both got something to drink to. YAY FOR DRINKING. My brother started getting pretty drunk at some point. At which point he rambled on about how he was drinking his pain away- and while he was “happy for me” but he was miserable and sad- and in pain because this is what HE wanted in his life.

Thanks asshole. Thanks a lot. Fucking selfish. I didn’t even know what to say to him.

730- dance is supposed to arrive- ish, by 7:45 my dancer isn’t here- I had a feeling she would late- I wasn’t surprised- but she wound up getting there at like 815? My photographer was supposed to be “off the clock by 8” but she is also very good friends with said dancer- so she waited for her. Dancer was supposed to dance- then we were going to cut cake and be done. Well she was late- then well. I actually took a minute and went to the balcony outside and really just breathed in the air- I was “looking for D” but really I just was enjoying the moment outside. Eventually one of the staff came out to take a breath of fresh air and wouldn’t go away- which was annoying- but it was a real moment- and I do remember it clearly- we chatted- he was nice- but I wish I had had the 10 minutes to myself. LOL no worries.

Dancer arrives- now we are looking at the timeline of things and we reshuffle on the fly- no biggie- except…

Point 3- and really this was the biggie where I wish I had hired a DOC.- the cake was in the ballroom- we were in the adjoining room in the Library. I don’t know why I didn’t just fucking tell them to move the cake into the dining room. This is where it just got messy. It just was cumbersome and silly- fortunately with only 30 people it wasn’t a HUGE issue- but it bothered me- I was already self-conscious of the awkwardness of my family and I was tired- and I could tell Pixie was wearing down- after all- we’d all been up since before 6.

Anyway- so my brother decides we need a toast. UGH REALLY WHY!!!! FINE. I can’t really protest too terribly much because people like doing this and you can’t really stop them. So at this point- we are all shuffling into the ballroom where the cake is- and the poor host is hustling out champagne flutes for the last bottle of champagne and pouring it out for everyone- and my brother looks at my dad to make the toast- and instead of taking this over- my dad goes “you called it- you make it”

Thanks you fucking asshole. Again. Because my loud ass mouth drunk brother had to give the awkward family toast… including calling me a pain in the ass.

Thanks- at my own wedding. You called me a pain in the ass. I realize it was heartfelt and supposed to be funny- but it wasn’t (cue awkward chuckles from the guests). Because you’re social awkward and didn’t actually prepare anything to say.

Whatever- then we cut the cake- M was awkward- it’s like he’d never seen anyone do it- or pictures- didn’t know it was a thing- he was like the fuck are we doing- and I’m muttering under my breathe shut up and just cut the fucking cake with me. These pictures are NOT going to be good. I know it.

Then we toasted some more- and cheered- and I was like OH ARE TARDIS- and we cut that- which I regret- we should have saved it for the next day. But whatever.

We marched back into the dining room with our drinks and then we cued up the dancer.

And we had dessert and I had alcoholic coffee whilst we ate cake and she danced. This was probably the most emotional part of the night for me. I absolutely cried.

Didn’t ball- but I totally cried- My friend is beautiful and I loved that she came and performed- and she danced my favorite song- and it was beautiful. And I was so happy. She did an 18 minute long set- which was a TAD long for the space and the venue and guests- but I enjoyed every second of it. She wrapped up and escaped up stairs.

I excused myself at some point and went upstairs to talk to her- she got some food to YAY and I chatted with her about some of the weirdness of the night- it was a good moment to escape the party.

And guests started to trickle out and say good by at this point. I think we said good bye to everyone. Which was nice- the staff had just started to break down tables- so we pitched in and my family being the troopers they are- helped break down tables and I don’t even know how- but we loaded all that shit into M’s car that night. We eventually evacuated the building by 930 (we were officially done at 9) said good by to the staff and got caught on the street talking to some highschoolers who were like fascinated with my black dress. It was cute- we talked for like 10 minutes while they organized the car situation and the boxes we needed to move.

Then we drove back to the hotel. And it took me damn near 10 minutes to get my hair undone- I took off my dress and I’m standing there slightly intoxicated and I gave up about half way through the bobby pin mess- and I’m leaning on the dresser and I said M come here I need your help I can’t any more. And he helped me pull the rest of the bobby pins out- there were 60. I was SO tired.

I can’t remember if he said he wanted a shower or not- but we wound up in the bathroom and sexy time commenced. I was a little glad I didn’t just flop down first- because it would have been game over for me. So despite how tired I was- we definitely got our D&B- which I was honestly surprised at- I figured I would have been way to tired- but we showered and crawled in bed LOL.

The next morning we got up at like 8 or so and toddled down to breakfast to meet my family to see what the plan was. They wound up going to the city with M and Bestie and I handled the returning of the suit and the depositing of my car at his parents’ house and we did dunkin and by 230 I put her in the car and off she went. I picked up some thank you cards from the grocery store- took a bubble bath with champagne and then watched back to the future writing my thank you cards. I damn near fell asleep doing that actually. So that was awesome. And Sunday we left bright and early for our honeymoon!!!

Which was awesome- but I will not chronicle for you because fuck this was way too long as it is!!!