Bad Bridesmaids?

I want to start off by saying that maybe your MOH is distancing herself because she might still have hurt feelings over being second choice for MOH? (If I read your post right, she was the 2nd choice correct?). I would let her know how you feel, but also sit her down and talk to her about how SHE feels. I know that if it was me, I would feel a little hurt...so reach out to her and find out how she truly feels about this situation.

Second is this: although your wedding is a very exciting time for you, your bridal party and others outside of you and your future spouse, are not going to show the same level of excitement as you are. And that's okay!! It doesn't mean they don't care about you, but don't feel bad if they don't share the same urgency for planning as you do.

You bridal party is also not obligated to help you plan, and it's not really one of their duties. You and your future spouse need to be planning your wedding together since it's ya'lls day! If you want to have them give input, just simply reach out to them, but don't expect them to come to you asking what you need help with. Keep in mind that they have other things going on in their lives, and your wedding and planning for it may not be top priority right now. Just remember that none of that means they don't feel happy for you, or don't care about you!

I agree with everything Shelly said!

The only ones whose responsibility it is to plan your wedding are you and your future spouse. It is not your bridal party's responsibility, so I think you need to readjust your expectations there at least in terms of planning the details of your wedding. If your future spouse is not helping you, I would recommend having a heart-to-heart and tell him/her that you need help! You are not marrying yourself so if your future spouse isn't pitching in, that is a problem.

Like Shelley mentioned, your MOH is likely very hurt that she was your second choice for MOH which is exactly why you should never replace a MOH or bridesmaid because the second choice will generally know they were a backup plan. Since you already made the decision to promote her to MOH then you will have to deal with the fact that you hurt her feelings. I would recommend giving her some space to sort out her emotions.

Secondly, it isn't up to your bridal party to plan your wedding. It is 100% up to your and your fiancé to plan your wedding unless someone offers to help. Obviously the girls have other stuff going on that they aren't able or don't want to help, but that doesn't make them bad bridesmaids/MOH. It just means that you are expecting something more than they can deliver. The only expectation that you should have is that they buy the dress and stand by you on your wedding day. If you need help with planning, ask your fiancé to do more. I would also buy a wedding planning book. I have linked the one I had below. I would also check out Jamie Wolfer's YouTube channel. She is a wedding planner that posts weekly videos on YouTube with wedding planning tips. I have also linked her channel below.

The Knot Wedding Planning Binder: https://www.amazon.com/Ultimate-Wedding-Planner-Organizer-binder/dp/0770433367/ref=asc_df_0770433367/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312132076760&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=1915814299072052073&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9007869&hvtargid=pla-434335069873&psc=1

Jamie Wolfer YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCdAcY6YGgF-RgGYXTsOENbA

View Quoted Comment

I also agree with Shelly's wise words.

You said, "I feel like I’m planning my wedding by myself and I need help but no one wants to help me." It's so important that you and your future spouse (FS) are on the same page about your wedding scope, schedule, and budget. Don't ask FS for "help" but do ask for support as your partner. Sounds like it's time you two had a good conversation about how to cooperate to get this wedding planned.

I agree with the others. You MOH is probably upset because she knows she was your second choice. That can't be a good feeling. The other thing to keep in mind is: the only actual 'job' of the MOH and bridesmaids is to show up for your wedding and support you on your wedding day, in the attire that you specify. Sometimes the MOH and bridesmaids throw a shower or bachelorette, sometimes they don't. But the planning part is up to you and your fiancee. I would lean in and ask your future spouse for more help with the planning, since it's both of your wedding!

View Quoted Comment I agree with this. Also there is no need to pick anyone as a bridesmaid until 6-8 months before the wedding.

I think everyone makes really valid points here. It's very probably your MOH has some hurt feelings about being a 2nd pic, and may need some time to process her emotions. Also, you need to ask your FS to help you with wedding planning if you want or need it. It is not a 1 person job, but it isn't a bridesmaid duty to help plan the wedding. They are just there to support and help you day of, mostly.


It can be really easy to make all your conversations about the wedding, especially since you are doing so much planning rn. Try to make sure you are having quality conversations outside of just wedding stuff with your BM/MOH. I am sure they are excited for you, but they still have lives, too. Plus if they are young and unmarried, they might not know enough about weddings to have planning tips or know what you are going through in planning.

Totally agree with everyone- it’s really not their responsibility to you plan your wedding, that’s up to you & your fiancé. I love WW for these forums but I use The Knots planning checklist to keep me on track. I’ve done the majority of the planning for my wedding- my fiancé is a firefighter/paramedic, captain of his crew & extremely busy both on & off shift. I do the research, present the options & together we decide.

In addition to what others have said, 19 is also just the age where people either start to drift apart or transition into more adult friendships/relationships. You're out of high school and I assume most of your bridesmaids either have full time jobs, families, school, and lots of other things going on in their lives that is new for everyone, including you. There definitely might be some hurt feelings in there, but I think there's also probably some regular old growing up happening with you and your friends and family. I drifted apart from most of my high school friends during my first few years of college and that's pretty normal.

As others have said, your bridal party mostly isn't going to be as excited as you are and aren't expected to take on the major planning roles. It's definitely a little disappointing when they aren't as responsive as you like, but just consider everyone's personal situation and other time commitments and try not to take it personally. When you need their input on specific things like bridesmaid dresses, be direct that you are ready to get moving on a specific planning aspect and you need them to participate.

This always irritates me when people have these expectations that their bridesmaids should be available for every wedding event.


The only expectation of your bridesmaids should be is to buy the dress, show up, and help you get ready maybe on the day of the wedding. Maybe if you want a shower you could ask them to throw one for you. But really that’s the scope of “responsibilities” I would put on a bridesmaid. Maybe be a witness to sign the marriage license and do a speech.
You are 19 and I think the whole wedding culture has distorted your view about how weddings should be. Looking at you, Say Yes to The Dress.
I think it would really hurt your friend and that’s why she’s being upset. It feels like you are excluding her and didn’t ask her to be part of the bridesmaids plans. I understand you’re hurt too and that’s understandable as well and I think you need to communicate your hurt.
You also need to remember that your wedding is the most important thing in your life right now, but not everyone’s life revolves around your wedding even though yours does.
Best of luck.

Also to you, not you personally. Not meaning to attack you when I said “it irritates me when.” Just noticed that came off kind of harsh

My sister is my MOH and hasn't helped me plan anything. She came out to 2 venue tours and helped with the bridesmaids dresses, only because the one I picked she didn't like and I wanted all of them to wear the same dress.

I've been doing all the planning myself and here and there I'll text my wedding party my progress and ask them their opinions on things but only once I've narrowed down my ideas. I would love more help, but also don't want to burden anyone at the same time.

View Quoted Comment Exactly right.


You have to realize that for your friend, she could still be a little sore from feeling like she might be a fill in because of issues with the first moh, your second choice.
And as much as everyone loves you and happy for you, something you need to remember is that to you and future spouse this is the most exciting time in your life. But to everyone else it's just another day. Doesn't mean they don't love you like Shelly said it's just not as exciting for them as it will be for you.

View Quoted Comment Agree with this as well. Your bridal party is really only expected and responsible for getting their dress and attending rehearsal and wedding. Other than that they aren't expected or responsible for helping plan your wedding, they aren't responsible or expected to throw you a Bachelorette or shower. Yes it's nice to have them be there helping out and doing these things but it's not a requirement.

Thank you guys for giving me some good insight on bridesmaids and what they are supposed to do! I really do appreciate everything! Nobody in my family has ever planned an actual wedding(everyone just goes to the courthouse) and I’ve only ever been to one or two. My fiancé is a welder so he works long hours.. I feel like I made it out to be that I want my bridesmaids to help plan my entire wedding but that’s not what I meant by “I feel like I’m planning my wedding by myself and I need help but no one wants to help me” I just want them to help choose things that deal with them, like their dresses and what hair styles they wanna have. Me and my MOH have talked about how she was my 2nd choice and she understands why she was and I understand why she was upset... I just wish that they would talk to me even outside of the wedding stuff, these girls are my best friends and I love them with everything I have but it’s always feels like I’m a person they call when they need their hair done or when they need me to babysit.. that’s the only reason why I’ve talked to any of them in the past 2 months.. and I understand that they have lives outside of our friendship but sometimes I wish they would talk to me more about life and stuff that’s happening with them rather then them only talking to me when they need me to do something for them.. I don’t know I feel like my entire post is a mess lol

View Quoted Comment It's not, you are just starting the wedding planning process. You still have a lot to figure out. Trust me I'm 30 been to at least 6 wedding and thought it would be easy. I'm still learning things about planning a wedding and still coming on here to ask for advice. I've been planning for a year and a half now and still sometimes confused on things.


Now with the bridesmaids picking dresses and hairstyles, are you going to let them do their own thing? Like wear their hair differently from one another, have a different style dress. If you are then try and get them to look at options. HOWEVER if you plan on them all wearing the same thing and have the same hair, trust me trust me trust me, just pick the dress and hairstyle out yourself and tell them this is what you want. I decided earlier in the wedding planning process that I would let my bridesmaids come together to pick out one dress and hairstyle they would all wear and can agree on. I figured I was being nice given them a say on what they are wearing and buying. However it turns into a nightmare. And I ended up giving up on them have the same style dress and hair. Now my bridesmaids are wearing different styles which is not what I visioned. Learn from my mistake. I regret not listening to my mom about it.

View Quoted Comment I am allowing my girls to pick whatever dress and hairstyle they want, I’ve given them very basic stuff to keep in mind. All I’ve asked for them to do is to get a long burgundy dress and for them to have their hair up.. My bridesmaids are all different sizes and I want them to get dresses that they feel beautiful and confident in ❤️

View Quoted Comment That is a good idea and the best way to go.

I disagree with 99% of the comments. What ever happened to being there for each other? If the bride was there for the bridesmaids, why can’t they be there for the bride. After all, they were picked for a reason. If she was second choice, that doesn’t mean she’s less than. People pay too much attention to labels and not the meaning. I’d be happy if I was second choice or third, because a friend is telling me they need me. Atleast for me, I’d focus on the support aspect more than the history behind titles. Bridesmaids aren’t just there to stand at the wedding. They’re supposed to be support systems and guidance for a bride. There’s a reason for them, it’s not just another thing on a wedding check list. So if no one is supporting you the way you need to be supported. I would remove everyone. It’s better to stand at the altar alone with your FH, Than to be surrounded by people who aren’t reciprocating the sisterhood in a bridal party.