Bachelor Party Planning/gift at Wedding

You're never obligated to give a gift.


A bachelor party is optional. It doesn't have to be this complicated. I'd scale it way back if you still can. Don't bother with activities, just have some food, booze, maybe a Spotify playlist. Guests can socialize and entertain themselves. I find it astonishing that you're being expected/allowed to plan a party from a distance.
Your MiL was completely out of line for policing how much you gifted.
You picking up the slack for your husband ALL the time will probably get old fast. That's a separate issue I'd work on.

I agree with PP - you’re never obligated to give a gift. Especially when part of the wedding party, i personally believe that can be enough of a gift since so much money and time goes into it.
In the end, you should discuss with your FH about it and see what he thinks. He should handle his mom’s comments if you decide not to bring a gift and she is rude again

Whether or not you should give a gift is the absolute least of your problems. Your FH AND his brother massively dropped the ball, not only on you, but on the officiant as well. It was, and is, NEITHER OF YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to plan this party. Neither of you should have cleaned up their mess.


Three years ago, when older brother got married...why did you give a gift? Why did you buy $200 in raffle items? Where was your FH during all this? It's his family, HE should be giving the gifts.
This sounds like a pattern of behavior that is very, very concerning. You need to put your foot down or this will be the rest of your life.

As far as the bachelor party goes, if your fh truly cares about a special celebration for his brother then he’ll do it. In no way is it your responsibility to take on a $600 burden plus time and headache planning a perfect day. Hand the keys back to fh and now out of any planning. Do you want him to plan anniversaries and dates and just general life responsibilities? You can’t be his out.

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Thank you for giving an answer to the question and not lecturing me on FH's planning habits lol.

FH does field his mom for me, we don't get along, she doesn't like me and since Moving we decided to go no contact for a while so I can heal emotionally from some trauma she caused while we lived with her. I just wanted to know if I should still give a gift based on proper etiquette

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FH and I have been together for almost 7 years. I'm the Planner in the relationship he is not. I have no issue "picking up his slack" I actually prefer to be the planner, I have a Type A personality and make spreadsheets and calendars for everything and if he were to "plan" there would be no plan and that would make me anxious.

I agree, the bachelor party doesn't need to be extravagant which it's really not we scaled back a lot from the original plan, but the groom wanted more than just everyone hanging out at his house like a regular Saturday Night and the officiant is a very dear friend of mine and best friend of the groom, when I hear someone is crying cause they are so stressed and need help I step up.

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FH's brother didn't create a mess. He and his wife started their family, their son was born over a month early and his wife had a VERY traumatic labor which involved her being under anesthesia and she was asleep for the birth of her son while her husband watched from a glass window looking into the operating room during a truly emergency C-Section.

Officiant would have been the "Best Women" but the couple needed an officiant and she accepted graciously, this is her best friend, there was no question she wouldn't assist in the bachelor party.

Three years ago I gave a gift and purchased raffle items because even though we weren't engaged at the time his family was and still is my family. We help family. FH is not a planner, never has been never will be.

I broke my own rule of sharing too much information on wedding wire and not just asking my question but I feel this question required background information. I truly hope the rest of my life is planning events where I get to see my family and plan events for them. Thank you for your warning tho.

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I broke my own rule of sharing too much information on wedding wire. I was just asking if not giving a gift would break etiquette, not about planning a bachelor party, but I felt the question required background so it didn't look like I was just trying to NOT give a gift to my FBIL and FSIL (both of whom will be in our wedding.)

There was no headache created or time taken out of my life, I work in a job where I can scroll the internet for Bachelor Party Ideas and Inflatable rentals from my office, where as FH is a boat mechanic, spends 12 hours a day on boats and in their engines and comes home beaten up by the sun and manual labor and is too exhausted to think of anything.

I'm the planner in our relationship, I 1000% don't mind this, I make our plans, enjoy making spreadsheets to compare costs and schedules and calendars to ensure everything is done. FH checks with me before agreeing to any plans cause he literally has no idea what we have coming up. To answer your question, no I don't want him to plan anniversaries or dates or general life responsibilities, cause if he did it wouldn't be as organized as my Type A personality wants it to be and I would be a nervous wreck the entire time and he'd also probably plan it over something I've already committed us to.

View Quoted Comment “ So as with most things that involve some kind of planning in our relationship, it got dumped on to me.” That doesn’t sound like you’re totally happy to do it but hey you do you. You don’t have to be Type A to plan something. But if you’re fine with him never planning anything or owning “general life responsibilities” then you’ll get what you sign up for. Good luck.

View Quoted Comment FH's brother did drop the ball. He doesn't have to go to the party, but he had plenty of time to come up with ideas and contribute to the planning of it.


When you have some time, you should look up the concept of emotional labor. You're not the first and you won't be the last woman to pick up the planning slack for a man who just can't get it together. My DH was like this too for a while! As long as you accept it the behavior will continue. I'm type A, spreadsheets, the planner etc. but I don't take on my DH's responsibilities for him. You're nervous to let him plan stuff because you're afraid of being disappointed, and you're afraid of being disappointed because you don't trust him to put in the effort to do a good job at whatever it is he's planning. It's okay to expect men to be capable.
Best of luck. I'd ask your FH about the gift and see what he says.

View Quoted Comment Yup, this. I feel especially bad for the officiant, too. I'm close friends with a bunch of guys while I'd be happy to plan a bachelor party, I'd be pissed if their friends did nothing and expected me to do all the work and pay for everything.

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Tone doesn't always come through on the internet, so I apologize if that sentence made it seem like I'm not happy. This was not typed with an unhappy or malicious tone. Would I have rather he told me months ago that he needs my help planning this? YES Was I annoyed that it was put off to a week before the part? a little. But not something that's gonna make or break our relationship.

Planning "general life responsibilities" and owning "general life responsibilities" aren't really the same thing. I tell him when a bill is due, he gives me the money for it. He sees the lawn needs to be cut, he cuts it. He notices a tree limb hanging over my car that if it falls will cause damage, he cuts it down. He sees my tire pressure is a little low, he fills it. He gets in my car to move it and notices I'm below half a tank he takes it to the gas station to fill it. My FH does so much for me that if I have to plan our get togethers, parties and what not, I'm FINE with that. I'm fine with signing up the rest of my life away for someone who does so many little things for me that if I have to plan a shindig once in a while I will. He's a very fly by the seat of your pants kinda guy and I'm a gal who likes structure and plans, so I'm thankful he lets me take the lead on it.

YALLLLLLLL

PLEASE STOP ANALYZING MY RELATIONSHIP!!!!!! You all pick one part of a post and tear it apart when it really isn't constructive to the question being asked. IF I DO NOT PROVIDE A GIFT TO MY FUTURE BROTHER AND SISTER IN LAW AM I BREAKING A ETIQUETTE?! That's all a girl wanted to know.

I broke my own rule of sharing too much information on wedding wire. I was just asking if not giving a gift would break etiquette, not about planning a bachelor party, but I felt the question required background so it didn't look like I was just trying to NOT give a gift to my FBIL and FSIL (both of whom will be in our wedding.)

FH and I are EXTREMELY HAPPY with the way we live and do things, I really don't need advice or a synopsis of why me planning things ( A task I'm VERY HAPPY WITH AND VERY MUCH ENJOY DOING) is going to ruin us. I'm SIMPLE I don't need planned date nights or anniversaries. I don't really even enjoy leaving my home so FH NOT planning a night out is actually GREAT and he knows that! Does he come home with flowers and chocolate on these special occasions? YES Does he respect me and love me unconditionally YES

Every relationship is different, what works for us may not work for you and be your cup of tea, and that's FINE.

Good Greif People. This is supposed to helpful forums but ya'll just pick up on one thing that's not the point and run with it.

I hold NO ill will against FH's oldest brother who's wife had a TRAUMATIC birth I can't even go into describe the birth this poor woman had but I don't blame him for letting the Bachelor Party slip through his mind, dudes got bigger issues to work with and is planning to do something with the Groom when he comes to CT for the wedding. He shouldn't have to plan/pay for a party he is A) not attending and B) while caring for his new born son (and first child) and his wife after the birth she had.

Okay, I'd say at this point you don't need to send a gift if they don't help pay their share. It's not uncommon for people in the bridal party to not give gifts since they're already paying for other things. If your FH is closer to these people then see if he can send out a quick text reminding them of the payment.

As far as the whole "being the planner" thing goes, that's exactly how my relationship works as well. I am the type A planner and my FH has a hard time with that type of stuff. While it might not be my favorite thing and sometimes I'm like ugh, he does so many things in our relationship to make up for it that I'm not good at. I might plan our entire life, but FH does way more daily chores than I do... it just works for us. It sounds like you guys probably have it worked out how it works best for you, so idk why everyone is getting caught up in "red flags". Everyone's relationship dynamic is different, as long as it works for the couple then it's none of our business to tell them that what they're doing is terrible. I think OP was just venting which is why is came off that she's over this.

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Girl What's your registry I'll send you a gift

THANK YOUUUUUUU

FH is going to reach out to the rest of the groomsmen (I know them and am friendly with them but FH knows them WAY better than I do since all the groomsmen live in FL and we do not, FH spends more time talking to them about music since they're all in a band) I mentioned the $100 pp to two people NOT in the bridal party who are traveling from CT with us but FH is going to take the reins on telling everyone it was the one thing I asked him to do and I know he'll do it.

Thank you again! I hope you have an AMAZING day lmao

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The only thing I'd be aware of is that if you don't send a gift they may not send one to you when your wedding comes. If that doesn't bother you at all then you're all good.

Glad I could help a bit! Sounds like you've got a good plan with what to do about the remaining payments.

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BOLD of you to assume I'm nervous or afraid of being disappointed.

I've had a lot of disappointments in my life, and letting my FH plan something is certainly not one of them.

I'm not nervous of being disappointed, I'm nervous that FH will say "OK we're going to go to dinner at 6 at this restaurant that is 20 minutes away" so with the way MY brain works, we need to leave at 5:30 cause I now have a schedule in my head that I like to stick to and I account for traffic, well fly by the seat of his pants FH will just be getting in the shower at 5:30 cause we don't have reservations it was just a plan he made and now my head schedule is all screwed up and that makes me anxious cause I like my schedules.

If FH did decide he wanted to surprise me/plan something for me, I could never be disappointed in that even if he planned for a beach dinner in the middle of a hurricane, I would still appreciate the effort and love every minute of it, not be disappointed. What a strange thing to assume.

FH and I are a TEAM, I pick up his slack he picks up mine. I could watch our grass grow and grow and not care where as he's out mowing the lawn in 100 degree weather twice a week, He doesn't do schedules and planning and I do.

But thanks for analyzing me when it wasn't needed

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They're both in our wedding party, FH's brother is a groomsman, FSIL is a bridesmaid, so we weren't expecting gifts from them anyway! I'm not in their bridal party so I couldn't really fall back on the whole "bridal party isn't expected to give gifts"

Thanks again for actually answering the question lol

Best advice I have is
1) pray that the wedding party pays you back
2) if they don’t, give a little bit smaller of a gift

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Yes, finger's crossed I get paid back! Thank you for the insight