Asking Family Member to Officiate Wedding? PAGING CELIA

Paging Celia Milton!!!!

Yes!!!! Thank you

I feel like Celia will say hire a pro... it's what I would say at least.

@Lillybean yeah i think she will too. We would 100 percent rather have a family member or close friend do it though. We want someone who means something to us, not just some officiant we hire. We want the ceremony to be personal, and we want the person marrying us to know us.

I've been to weddings where I had no clue the officiant wasn't a long time friend of the couple, they were that good.

They won't mean nothing to you, they're the ones making sure your marriage is valid. If you find a good one, and they're out there, you'll be better off than risking someone not filling the form out correctly or forgetting an important legal step.

Our ceremony was no less personal and didn't mean less just because it was a pro. We had people close to us perform readings instead.

@Fb99 yeah, if she says no we might ask her to do a reading instead. I haven't fully decided if we will even have a reading during the ceremony. It just depends. If she says no we might ask FH's uncle who's experienced w/ public speaking, he might have actually performed a few weddings. Of course Grandma is our first choice though

Most on here are going to say to hire a pro. This is one aspect where I disagree with the community.

Personally I'm having my FFIL perform our ceremony. We aren't religious, and our ceremony is cliff side. I'm taking FHs last name, for many reasons it's much more appropriate for FH and I to make this choice for our wedding. With that said, I have an amazing DOC that had a lot of experience with weddings like ours.

To actually answer your question- you can have your officiant get ordained through the life church online, or our county (San Diego) allows your officiant to become a deputy marriage officiant for a day. Your county may allow this as well.

Honestly, why would you want to do this? It' lovely to have a family member involved in your ceremony, and there are many ways to do it without the pressure of being responsible for the whole ceremony.

I"m going to spare you my big, cut and paste, "why this isn't a good idea' post but here are the basics.

It's a lot of work that either you two or her or both will have to do, and to be honest? Most of the ceremonies online you can find are horrible. They're not more personal just because a beloved family member delivered them; that novelty wears off two minutes in and then you have a string of words that could be said at anyone's wedding.

There is, of course, the legality of the deal, but that is only part of it. It's figuring out what to write that really represents you, what to leave out too (which is almost as important....) It's designing the processional/recessional and ritual elements you might want to include. It sounds like you want some religious content; a prayer? An invocation? Scripture? All?

This is the first part of the day; the opening to and the reason for the celebration. It sets the tone for the day in addition to being the only legally required part. It's a heady responsibility for anyone, including a pro. (Maybe especially a pro, since a family member has the built in affinity from the audience; they are primed to be forgiving, no matter what...)

I would do this (actually, I have done this a number of times). I would hire a pro and ask them if they are amenable to working with your grandmother. I'd ask her to do a reading, possibly deliver a blessing or a prayer (if you want that) and be a treasured guest. That way, you really do have the best of both worlds, and she can enjoy herself! Your pro will interface with your banquet staff, your music, your photographer (one of the biggest complaints I get from my fellow vendors is that friendor officiants, no matter how verbally competent, have no grip on the fact that they are part of a team of pros that need to work together. They don't just drop through the ceiling tiles and start talking....

There are a lot of great officiants in CA, but I'd be calling ASAP so you have time to vet them and really find a good fit. Good luck!

@**** thank you!!! Yeah I know you're only supposed to hire pros, but this is the one aspect we want to bend. We know FH's Grandma will do a fantastic job, she worked for the county, so I'm sure she has more information on getting ordained for the day. I just want to be able to give her the information before we ask her so she doesn't feel completely clueless even though I'm sure she knows significantly more than I do.

Um.....respectfully, working for the county does not an officiant make.

If you asked this months back, i would totally say hire a pro. But after all the stress we have had with ours, I would say do what you want.

We hired a pro a year ago who had raving reviews on here, the knot, and facebook. But she went completely MIA on us. We had kept in contact with her every other month, but October hits and we have had zero correspondence. We emailed her, messaged her, called her, left voicemails, and got zero response for 4 weeks. Finally, i went to write a 1 star review for her and less then 10 minutes after the review was posted, she calls us. I was livid. Let's just say she was fired on the spot.

One of our groomsmen offered to become ordained and marry us and it has been smooth sailing. He wrote our wedding ceremony from scratch and it is beautiful and exactly what i wanted. He checks in every week so see if we need anything or want to make any changes. He literally saved our ceremony.

And i think it will be so much more personal to have someone we know so well marry us

*wants a pro's opinion on their profession* *doesn't heed advice*

Great talk, OP.

@Celia thank you!!! I appreciate it. FH is really adamant about having someone close to us marry us, and I agree. We want someone who means something to us. We'll talk with his Grandma and see what she thinks. She might be totally against it, or she might know a pro or someone in the fam who is ordained.

Another thing: Having a close relative I would be concerned with the officiant crying during the ceremony. (I cried enough for five people during my vows, so hey.....)

We had a friend who became ordained to our wedding and it went great BUT: I did most of the legwork. I wrote everything out - a pro will do that for you. We were fortunate that our friend was VERY comfy with public speaking, not everyone is good with that skill.

If you are having any doubt, go pro. If Gramma gets testy or hurt, just say "Hey we want you to be an honored guest, not have to work."

@celia i didn't say because she worked for the county she'd be a good officiant, i said she worked for the county so she might be more informed about how to go about the legalities.

Not ALL pro officiants are good officiants, okay? There is a LOT of vetting to be done...I wish it weren't so, but it's true.

And simply having someone close to you marry you isn't always the route to go. One of the most frequent comments we get in our reviews here is that the guests thought we were family members.

It comes down to a choice, as so many things do.....expertise vs familiarity. If you're very, very lucky (like the officiant I married, lolol...couldn't resist) they exist in the same place, but that is rare, whether you're talking officiants, dentists, dj's or lawyers...... You have to really think about why you're making those choices and how they affect the wedding day (or your wisdom teeth.....)

Thanks everyone! Now I'm kinda nervous about asking her. I'll talk to FH and maybe we'll ask what his Grandma thinks. We just haven't lived in California in a long time so we're kinda clueless on pro's in the area and what not. Grandma probably knows someone who's a good officiant, or can point us in the right direction.

We do have a back up, the officiant for the venue isn't booked on our wedding day.

You need an officiant to take care of all of the legal things in your wedding to make sure it's legit. However this doesn't mean they are the only people that can make a speech. If I were you, have your Grandma do a speech like she would do if she was officiating. Then have a hired officiant do the vows and the pronouncement. This will keep you from having Grandma become a legal officiant and all of the confusion and stress behind that and still have a legal ceremony with a pro.

We are having my brother in law marry us (unpopular, I know) our reasons were similar to yours, but we have hired a coordinator (who is also an officiant) that will run our rehearsal and coordinate the ceremony and is looking over our ceremony and vows. This person will also be our back up plan. I would suggest finding a coordinator you love to do all of this and who can also make sure its legal and processed correctly if you go the Grandma route.