Asking a friend to officiate?

1. Pros/Cons of having a friend officiating

Pro: Sorry, but no matter how you slice it, a professional is still a stranger, and I didn't want a stranger up there. I didn't care if they fell all over their words, I'd rather it be someone close to me.

2. What do you pay a friend? If he says yes we were thinking of giving him a $50 plus his hotel for the night ($150) and paying for him to be ordained.

We did not pay him, but got him a gift like the rest of the groomsmen (the only reason he was not a GM is b/c he was officiating). He is, but did not need to get ordained in CO. We self-married.

3. When is too early to ask? We want to ask before Christmas because he will be visiting. He is in grad school so I'm not sure this is even a good idea :/

DH asked him to officiate his wedding years before he even met me, so it was a done deal.

I wrote the ceremony with him(mostly me, though), dealt with the licenses, etc, and was happy to do that. The #1 officiant in my area did SILs wedding, and I thought it was horrific. She babbled on about nothing, the order was terrible, songs were in places that stopped momentum, she spoke SO FAST, and her jokes were not landing. I could not believe they paid someone for that. It can range.

Not all pros are great, in any specialty. But the only plus in having an inept person that doesn't expect to be paid is that; they are cheap..... and oh wait, they know you. Maybe that's a plus. But it's kind of like any friendor; there are inherent problems in that scenario too... possibly problems that will end the relationship.

But @m, what you mentioned about your SIL? That should have been discovered ahead of time; first by vetting this person with reviews, then by carefully going over the the rough draft of the script for the rythmn, the appropriateness (or not) of the jokes and the placement of music.

If an officiant isn't willing to send you the entire script and make changes you want, then don't go forward with them.

Celia, it was probably my personal opinion, thought DH was of the same one. The ceremony to me was all over the place (after spending months writing mine, I get how hard/important flow is), she spoke SO fast, so quietly, it wasn't horrific I guess in the sense that guests noticed, but in the sense that had I paid a professional and they did that I would've been pissed as a paying customer. It was obvious where she stuck in the 2-3 details she learned about them from their questionnaire... it just didn't feel natural, and I was just really, really surprised that this woman is used for all very very high end, expensive weddings in the area, and I thought she was worse than many amateurs I've seen. She also didnt' step out of the way for the first kiss, which is a huge pet peeve of mine.

I hate that too m.....get your ass outta the way for the kiss!!

If your SIL agrees with you both, she should voice her opinion. I"d want to hear it, if it was me (god I hope it's not, lol!)

Having seen a number of wedding officiated by professionals and by friends/family members, I will say that I have seen my share of great ceremonies in both sets and horrible ceremonies in both sets. What I'm surprised no one has brought up is, what is the back up plan if your friend can't or won't go through with it. Most professionals are part of a group of other event professionals that can be reached out to in case of an emergency, your friend more than likely isn't. Regardless, if you go through with this, pay them more than $50.00 (unless this is the real reason you are looking to have your friend perform the ceremony).

@Celia, no, she does not agree. She is friends with this woman on FB now. She thought it was a "lovely" ceremony. She read it before. She approved everything.

But, she also had clear acrylic candelabras which I also hate, so... to each their own.

Oh god m, please tell me it's not me ;-) (I don't remember any acrylic candelabras, so maybe I'm safe, lol!)

Like I said, a pro makes it look easy. It is not easy (for most people) to write a moving ceremony that will engulf a half an hour. There are lots of people who claim to be writers, but in my experience, about one in 50 of them actually have the gift. Some of the crap I've seen self professed writers brag about couldn't be helped with the most gifted of editors.

It's a tough gig to officiate, and if the officiant is successful, it's because he or she has taken their writing abilities and applied them to wedding ceremonies instead of writing essays or books (or, perhaps in concert with those other endeavors). The wordsmith who can also manage public speaking (and that's not typical for a writer -- there's a reason they are often portrayed as loners shut away with a typewriter, a stack of paper, a bottle of whiskey, and a pack of cigarettes) has found their place in the arena of the celebratory occasion. Pay them and be thankful they spent the last three weeks writing your ceremony instead of writing the next 17 pages of the great American novel (because, very likely, they could).

FH has officiated for three weddings. One was his sisters wedding and then two for very close friends. FH borrowed a book from a friend that had helped him create the wedding ceremony template. It was a pretty long process that involved several revisions, quote selections, approval of funny stories, etc. He absolutely loved playing such an important role in the wedding (he is also a good public speaker and funny).

How close is the friend that you want to ask? Has he expressed any intention to attend your wedding? It could be awkward for him to officiate if it is coming completely out of the blue. It kind of sounds like he isn't that close of a friend. Has he ever officiated any other weddings?

We asked a very close friend to officiate. She knows FH very well and they see each at least every week. And I see her a few times a month, but we take an annual trip together as well. She was very honored to be asked and is really excited to play a role in our day.

As far as gifts go, we definitely won't pay her directly because she would feel extremely uncomfortable about that. We will likely get her a gift card to a nice restaurant and something else. One set of friends paid for FH's hotel room when he officiated and the other gave him an etched glass olive oil and vinegar set (but it is engraved with the couples wedding date and names... we love them, but still).

I officiated my friend's wedding, so perhaps I am biased. I have been to many weddings with terrible professional officiants - but this is not to say that all professionals will be bad and all friends will be great, or vice versa. A lot of it depends on what you want and how comfortable your friend is with public speaking. I am a professor, so I speak in front of dozens of people everyday. My friend's wedding was for over 150 people. I also agreed to the deal by telling her that I didn't feel comfortable writing the ceremony, but that I would certainly "perform" it. She was very resourceful and had a very expensive wedding planner, who helped her write the ceremony. I added a bit about why I thought they were a good couple.

A few other things to consider: Are you religious? If so, you might feel more comfortable or legitimate having someone who is ordained officiate. Are you atheist? If so, a friend might be even more of a plus, particularly if you are having a hard time finding an officiant you like or one who is non-religiously affiliated.

Personally, I would absolutely have a friend or family member officiate, as I find it adds a special personalized touch to weddings. However, I would make sure it is the right family member or friend to do it.

Pro: the friend knows you

Con: the friend knows you

You've all seen the best man's toast: "Yeah, I remember the night they met in the bar. They were all over each other on the dance floor. I told them 'get a room!' and they did! I figured it would be a one-night stand, but here we are at their wedding. Congrats, Susie, you finally bagged him!"

Now, imagine that guy officiating your wedding!

Or the MOH's speech: "I was with Susie the night she met Bob. I thought he was really cute and asked him to dance. But, he went home with Susie. Oh, well, Bob -- your loss!"

Now, imagine her officiating your wedding!

A bride asked me if her aunt could speak during the ceremony. Fine with me. Aunt went on and on about the time the couple broke up. Not the time or the place for that. This was the wedding -- not the premarital counseling session!

My couples know ahead of time what I will say. If it is something very personal, it is because you asked me to say it. I don't check your FB page to "get insight" about you as a couple. If you don't tell me something, I won't know it and I won't mention it.

Yet, like Celia, guests often ask how long I've been friends with the couple. It's possible to personalize the ceremony without getting TOO personal.