Asking a friend to officiate?

We're actually on the fence with this same topic. I'd love to ask a family friend to do this, but FH isn't too sure (said it doesn't quite feel "official"). I can see his point, but at the same time I'd rather have someone marry us that already knows us. It's definitely a decision we need to make soon, though.

This is a great question for Celia. Maybe flag her in the post title?

Can't wait to see what other people have to say about this! FH and I are also considering having a friend or someone we know officiate our ceremony.

We were on the fence about what to do and when discussing it with a close friend he offered. I wouldn't have wanted to ask anyone who wasn't comfortable with the idea.

Be prepared for pushback from your family. Especially if they are religious.

Don't ask him if he could get emotional. Our friend only once had to hold his mic away because he was laughing. But if he was crying it would have been a mess.

I asked my uncle to officiate. He had never done a wedding before, but was so thrilled when we asked him. He did an amazing job, being my uncle, he wouldn't accept a gift. We are going to give them pictures and a gift basket for Christmas though. Just make sure it's legal in your state.

When we announced our engagement, we had 3 friends offer to officiate. All three were ordained already. Too crazy.

We chose to go with a very dear friend of ours, and I wouldn't have changed it for the world.

Every single guest that I spoke to said how perfectly "us" the whole ceremony was.

That being said: David had officiated weddings before. He's an improv actor. He's VERY comfortable with public speaking. That was the whole reason we took HIM up on his offer instead of the other two. The others had no experience, and while they claimed to be ok with public speaking, we've actually witnessed David MCing shows, making speeches, etc.

Make sure that you are 150% confident in their ability for public speaking, and that they will do what you want for the ceremony. Meet with them often, and be very detailed/specific with what you want, and how you want the ceremony to flow.

**ETA: as Celia said...just because they know you and/or are family/friends doesn't mean its going to go smoothly. Just something to keep in mind.**

We aren't religious either..in fact because of this, we had a moment of "irreverence" if you will, and it was hilarious.

Everyone (and I really do mean everyone) was laughing, it was just PERFECT.

Like VM, our officiant wouldn't accept any payment other than a cigar, so for cost, I can't help you there.

First issue is whether it's legal in your state. If you are getting married in Iowa, it apparently is. However, if you're getting married in a different state, you need to research the laws.

Second issue is whether he'll do a good job. If he hasn't done this before, he may well need to do some research on the legalities (e.g., with whom does he file the marriage license?), possible ceremony language, etc. And he'll need to be a good public speaker, have thought out the rhythm and timing of the ceremony, and have the kind of social skills that enable him to draw the audience in. If he's busy in grad school, this may be too much for him to do a good job of--and you really don't want him doing a bad job.

I hesitate to comment on this type of question because it's pretty obvious what I would think, but I don't think it because it's my business; I think it because I feel, in general, it's better to have pros do things than well meaning friends and family. Please don't be insulted; it's the same advice I'd give a couple about any given professional in the array of wedding services.

"Knowing you" doesn't automatically translate into a better ceremony, not for you, not for your guests. The number one question I get from families after the ceremony is, "Wow, how do you know the family??", so apparently, my process with my couples results in a ceremony that feels personal, (quirky even), unique to them, and addresses the details in their history and future that are really fun for the families to hear. Picking someone simply because they know you is no more a valid reason to have them marry you than to have them do your root canal.

A really great ceremony is a terrific start to the celebration. A so-so one...not so much, though once your crowd knows that it's a friend, they'll be more forgiving. (And trust me, there are plenty of crappy professional officiants out there.)

But what about writing it? Organizing the day? Legalities and the glitches that sometimes arise? Stage fright? Projection and delivery? Questions about ettiquete. Just as you'd look to your caterer for menu advice and your photographer for setting and take list advice, you should be able to go to your officiant for ceremony advice and ideas.

For six people in the backyard, why not. But once you get into a more ambitious day with all the moving parts (music, photographers, video, readings, licenses, sand/wine/bourbon/?

No.

We are having a friend officiate. He is a close friend of FH, was already ordained, and FH asked him right after we were engaged. If he wasn't our officiant he would have been asked to be a groomsman. We loved the idea because we wanted a non-religious ceremony, and having a friend do it seems more meaningful. If a close friend asked me to do this, I'd be honored. We are planning to give him the same gift as the rest of the groomsmen along with something extra, like maybe a nice gift card, since his role involves more work. We also intend to treat him to a nice dinner when we finally sit down and plan out the ceremony. I feel like if he expected to be outright paid for it, he would have said so.

This is a BIG ask. How close is this friend? Has he ever officiated a wedding before? Or expressed interest in doing so?

We asked one of my brothers because I knew he'd want to do it. He jokingly asked to be godfather to our first child in return lol. We're not planning to baptize our children, so I'll probably just give him a nice bottle of whiskey.

The first thing you need to do is call your county clerk and ask if this is even possible in the county you're getting married in.

It's pretty much impossible in Virginia. Because I wanted to do this.

However I agree with Celia in that knowing you does not translate to a better ceremony. And I'd like to add that any professional officiant will make an effort to get to know you, it's not completely impersonal.

Jessi is right; it's A BIG ASK. It's not, 'would you like to stand next to me in a suit/dress and hand me the rings?" It's the person responsible for launching the day.

Celia is one of a group of officiants who are well known and often hired in our area because of her experience, expertise, and excellent reviews. I assume she will probably weigh in. I wouldn't assume to speak for her, but I would venture an educated guess (based on her prior responses to this question) that she will likely make the same points for hiring a professional officiant as I would if the question was about amateurs DIYing countless floral pieces vs. hiring a professional. The true hallmark of a professional is that they make it look easy. In truth, it isn't -- whether it's officiating, doing floral pieces, or catering a meal.

Your wedding day is a once in a lifetime event. Your friend may be a good public speaker when it comes to talking to an audience with which he is familiar (i.e., students). However, ask yourself if he will be as adept at imparting emotion as he is as imparting knowledge. The officiant has to walk a fine line between the heart and the mind, and they have to do it such a way that the guests believe that the officiant "knows" the couple, yet understands the gravity of the ceremony they are willingly participating in. They must touch the hearts of the couple, and they should also touch the hearts of the guests -- from the VIPs in the first row to the late comers who snuck into the back row. It's a tall order.

Do you believe he will hold the attention of your guests? Will he become ordained? Will he handle the after-wedding duties like filing your license? Cover those bases.

I will say that if you sense the slightest hesitation from this individual, let him off the hook. An officiant and a teacher are two different things. If you come to a meeting of the minds, then I would offer him more than $50 plus lodging. I'd offer him at least $300, and that would be if I wrote the entire ceremony and handed it to him. If he writes it, I'd give him more. Yes, I would pay for the ordination as well.

Be very sure about this. There is always the possibility that he will do this out of a sense of obligation. Don't let that happen.

Winter and Centerpiece and Amanda nailed it. Thank you all.

Amanda, Virginia it tough.....

Wow! These comments are incredible! I will definitely talk with FH about this more. I never thought about how much actually goes into it. Thanks so much ladies =) Have a lot of thinking to do!

I think it's a lovely idea! We are doing it as well. I would much rather have someone we love marry us than a stranger we hire. If a friend asked me I would refuse money and be so excited Good luck on the planning! xo

We had an incredible experience with DH's older family friend acting as our officiant, but I would totally agree with Celia that it's so much more than just being familiar with the couple and being comfortable speaking in front of people. We were completely blown away by the words our officiant came up with, and even more by her delivery -- I think we had a pretty rare experience, though. I believe a lot of it had to do with the fact that doing this was really special and important to her (she worked at the elementary school that DH and I both attended, so she watched us grow up). Everyone thought she had done this before (I'm sure that will make Celia roll her eyes lol).

The one con was that I didn't have complete peace of mind because of her lack of experience. You want to feel like you're in good hands should things not go according to plan. All we could do was prep as much as possible, and make sure she knew how we'd want to proceed if certain things happened. We had recently been to a wedding where the aunt officiant couldn't find the mic to save her life, would just talk right through the roaring motorcycles on the hillside nearby (rather than let them pass), and everyone missed the entire ceremony; the bride felt so awful that she emailed all the guests a transcript of what they had missed. It was clear that this lady was a complete amateur and it was so awkward to watch. It's literally the only ceremony I've ever witnessed that hasn't made me tear up -- and that's NOT how I wanted ours to be.

Only you guys can really know how your friend will do. Centerpiece's description of the impact that an officiant should have is absolutely spot on. However, I can honestly say that I've felt this only 1 out of 5 times that I've witnessed a professional marry my friends. It could be that my friends simply aren't choosing the right officiants, but I would venture to say that good ones are very hard to come by. I'd say you're kind of taking a gamble no matter which route you take.

We are also one of the couples that chose to have a close friend officiate. He was extremely professional and he took about a month back and forth, fact gathering and talking with us, to cultivate the ceremony we truly wanted. He would not accept payment or a gift at the time so we are sending a gift a long with a thank you letter in the mail. We could not have asked for a better outcome. He was absolutely fantastic and the ceremony was perfect for us.

Friends of ours who married in June of this year had a friend officiate who did part of the ceremony, family religious readings, and a JOP do the actual vows and ring exchange. The JOP was fantastic. He was hilarious when appropriate and had a booming voice like James Earl Jones.

We didn't have a friend officiate, but my uncle officiated our wedding. He is a judge. He can legally perform weddings, but he had never done one before. The only con was that we were his first wedding. I was mostly concerned with the legal end of it (paperwork and all), but it ended up working out perfectly. He wrote the ceremony himself and it was so beautiful. I'm so glad that DH and I got to share that moment with him. He was able to make it super personal and it really touched us.

He wouldn't let us pay him, but we got him a very generous gift as a thank you.

I don't think it's too early to ask. We asked my uncle at Christmas last year, so 10 months before the wedding.