As a Bride, How Would You Feel if moh Dropped Out?

I recommend you be honest with her while stressing that you really don't want it to impact your relationship. I'm sure she'll be hurt, but one must put their health first.

I personally wouldn’t expect anyone to put themselves in harms way for my events, but clearly your cousin has a much different thought process. All you can do is be open and honest, tell her that you don’t feel comfortable and you’re so disappointed that you can’t be her MOH, but your health comes first.

I honestly think backing out is the right thing to do and don't blame you at all. Your health comes first and it doesn't seem like she has taken that into consideration at all. My FH is immunocompromised as well and we either opted out events or had small ones with just our parties- who either quarantined leading up to the date or offered to get tested. Otherwise we wouldn't have any at all and we expect people to understand. Just explain your situation and your disappointment in having to make this choice, hopefully she will understand.

Its really selfish that shes expecting these things from you.. these pre-wedding events are mostly surprises because people do them from the goodness of their hearts.. and shes basically forcing you to do things her way.. doesnt sound nice, I am actually MOH to a wedding in June 2021 and I haven't lifted a finger! I was planning her bridal shower with her mother and then COVID got worse, I told her mother I can help remotely as much as I can but that's about it... take it or leave it and they are ok with this.. there is no way I am going to put anyone at risk, she can if she wants to but not me.

As a bride, I would of course feel devastated if my MOH dropped out of the wedding. However, I would completely understand under the circumstances you have presented. I completely agree with you that having such large pre-wedding events is an irresponsible decision at this time; and like you, I would also feel horrendously guilty if I hosted an event that led to others becoming ill. If I were in your shoes, I would have a heart to heart with the bride. I would make it very clear that you love her and support her and very much want to be her MOH. But, unfortunately, you have to listen to your heart, your gut, and your conscience... and all three are telling you that you are not comfortable hosting the pre-wedding events in the manner she is insisting on having them. Let her know that her happiness is important to you and you want her to have the wedding (and related events) of her dreams, but you cannot in good conscience provide that for her; and under the circumstances you think it is best for you to step down now so that she can have plenty of time to promote another bridesmaid. If this girl is like a sister to you, surely she will understand that your health (both physical and mental) are much more important than a title or some parties. Sure she will be disappointed, but she should definitely be understanding and supportive in your decision.

I would feel very confused if my sister dropped out, but my wedding is also not putting anyone in that predicament so it's a different situation. If any of my bridesmaids had a concern (like financial hardship or something) I would understand.

You should speak with her now. Let her know she can at least choose a new MOH and perhaps you can be a regular bridesmaid, but she needs to understand if things aren't looking better by say April or May, you might drop out.

Quietly and privately let her know, the sooner the better. While I can understand her not wanting a drive by or virtual shower, which a lot of folks invited to them have judged rude,
it does noy strike me that a max of 12-15 nicely done in the backyard or an open air restaurant courtyard would pleae her, though that is as much as many people have or want in the best of times. Or even 2 of them, given by other people .
But that big a wedding without precautions is just foolish for June. Huge new bat hes of vaccines and some newer vaccines may be on board in July, and bt fall, a maybe. But I would not be part of it at her scheduled time. ... Planning a shower is not an automatic MOH or WP duty. Any friend or family invited to the wedding can do it. But she is not likely to hear that. Sorry you are in this position. Stick to not living dangerously.

I am already married and I had my maid of honor/former friend drop out six months prior to my wedding. I was devastated because it completely blindsided me. She hadn't been in communication with me or anyone else that she was even considering dropping out of the wedding. She called me out of the blue days after Christmas telling me she couldn't handle being my maid of honor. This was pre-Covid so it had absolutely nothing to do with the pandemic. If I had known she hated my husband and couldn't support our marriage then I wouldn't have been devastated. From what you have said, your cousin knows your feelings, but is choosing to ignore them. You shouldn't be forced into something you aren't comfortable with. My husband is from NJ and we are currently expecting our first child and I would love nothing more than be able to celebrate with his family in NJ and mine in PA, but Covid has made that impossible. So like you have suggested, we are having a virtual baby shower because that's the safest option. It doesn't sound like your cousin is being realistic like we are and doing what's best for everyone else. I would just tell her while she might be comfortable with continuing with the wedding and other pre-wedding events, but you aren't so unfortunately you aren't going to be able to be a part of her wedding. Offer to do something with her later on when Covid is more under control.

Totally agree with the prior posters. You’ve gone above and beyond by trying to plan 2 different pre-wedding events that would be safe and also celebratory. If she’s not budging on having the events of her dreams despite a pandemic, that’s beyond your control. But your decision to step down is totally justified and reasonable, and I am confident you will express it well!

First, the host decides the guest count and the parameters of a pre wedding event. There is no need for you to "compromise". You can offer her a Zoom shower, she can take it or leave it.


Tell her honestly, kindly, and ASAP that you won't be complicit in contributing to a global pandemic that has taken millions of lives. Given how self centered she is, she will not take it well. But her demands of you (a 60+ bridal shower!) Are unreasonable even without covid.
Covid and weddings brings out the worst in many people. You don't have to put up with this.

Ladies, thank you all for your advice.

I am going to wait until a few days after the New Year to break it to her. I do not want any drama during the holidays.

Unfortunately, I know this is going to cause a massive issue. I won't only be dealing with the disappointment from her but also from the rest of my family (they are living life like normal with all of this going on and refuse to believe Covid poses a real threat). Bride's very much on the "my day, my way" train which I understand as a bride myself a few years ago. However, I was not facing a pandemic either, and would never, ever put my loved ones in this type of situation. A part of me wonders if it's because there's such an age difference between us. I am 36, she is 26, so maybe she is not seeing things as rational as I see them. Her bridesmaids are also all in their early-mid 20's so they are all kind of in the same mindset as the bride. I have talked to the other five BMs and they are not concerned at all. It's mind-boggling to me, honestly.

I am praying, hoping (and maybe this sounds selfish of me) that she has a change of heart and decides to just postpone. It would be a miracle, and not only would postponement prevent a falling out between us, but more importantly, it would prevent a potentially disastrous wedding where people could get sick.

View Quoted Comment

Soooo can I present how things may be based on your two posts. I want you to know that you are not selfish to not want to attend the wedding or pre wedding events. This is a serious disease with no end in sight and now two other deadly strains out there. However, it is her day and while technically yes people hosting the event can determine the amount of people but usually the bride is asked who to invite. I only asked my MOH (because we are both covid cautious) how many people she felt comfortable me having for the bridal shower because it was at her house but I know she would have been cool with me inviting any amount. I wanted to respect her house. If your cousin is having the "my day, my way" as you said and it sounds like she is on the side of she is over this pandemic and is willing to ignore that it exists. As PP's have stated you need to face to face sit down and talk to her and start with that this is not going to be an easy conversation and you understand if she is upset but while you would love to be there for her and you love her dearly your fears of corona virus are serious and that you feel uncomfortable with what she wants. You would love to stand by her side on the day of but do not feel you can carry out the other duties of MOH and would like to step down and would be okay if she is willing to put another bridesmaid in the position.

I will ask you, would you be okay participating...masked...for the ceremony but maybe not stay for the reception or anything? If not, that is logical. However the other side I will present is that like Chrysta said I would be heart broken if my MOH decided not to come. Heck my MOH got sick within 3 weeks before my wedding and I feared it was COVID and while things happen and her health was more important in secret I was crying and upset because the thought of her not being there for our already three guests minimony was hard and I had to mentally prepare myself that she could not be there. Luckily, she was able to be there but be ready that she will be upset and if she is that into her wedding she may not see your side and may be mad at you for awhile. You kind of foresee that but it is not up to you to get her to postpone and honestly even as a COVID bride I did not want to postpone and wait and see it out so I feel her there. I say like a bandaid rip it off and have the conversation as soon as possible and hopefully she will understand and even if she is hurt she will still have a good relationship with you.

Drop out and don't feel guilty. Those putting together the wedding don't care about safety. Even if you aren't paranoid, you still recognize that it's wrong on their parts to go forward.

She’s naive at best if she thinks she doesn’t need a plan b.

I would feel exactly as you do.


She is being a Covidiot and you’re being smart to step away from this now.
I’m sorry that it will likely cause a rift between you but better that than knowing your actions helped support a super spreader event, which would likely happen in the event this wedding and its associated events occur as the bride wishes.

I agree that you’re doing the right thing. I can’t see those events even being allowed by the state of NJ at that time, but people are ignoring guidelines all over the place. You have a right to protect yourself, and there’s nothing wrong with refusing to put others in harms way.

I think it's pretty clear that everyone gets it and you're perfectly right -- if you're not comfortable with the situation, don't do it. You can be kind and thoughtful when you tell her, and I'm sure there will be fallout, but sticking to your moral and health guns will, in the end, be best for everyone. She probably won't see it your way, ever, but I see it as your being a good role model for appropriate behavior in this terrible time. Good luck with your conversation.