Am i overreacting?

No, I don’t think you’re overreacting. It’s important you both are confident in this decision and are making it for the right reasons. Even if you are and it was just a slip of the tongue, what he said was insensitive and hurtful and you deserve time to yourself to reflect and cool off.

View Quoted Comment Do you think I am in the wrong to sleep on the couch? I just feel so distant from him. We even agreed maybe premarital counseling would help. The problem we have is not being able to afford it. So I just don’t know how to continue.

View Quoted Comment I think if you feel the need to take space, that’s okay as long as you’re doing it to process not punish. I think counseling’s a great idea! A lot of churches and mental health centers offer couples’ counseling for free or a reduced rate. You could try googling sliding scale therapy in your area.

Please don't ruin your life by getting married for other people, get married because you both want to get married and love each other. Life can be miserable being in a bad marriage, it will affect every aspect of your life.

Males are usually logical and tend to speak from a place that makes sense not from an emotional place of feeling. I think it's good that you pointed out to him so now there's a mental check there.

I think you’re prob feeling upset and hurt on the couch and your FH may likely be fast asleep in bed not having a clue about what’s going on in your head or that he even hurt you (bc that’s what guys tend to do along with word vomit) I think you have every right to feel hurt but this def deserves a discussion in the morning. Reimagine the feelings and thoughts you had prior to engagement and when you got engaged. Remind yourself of these reasons and then have a discussion with him in the morning about what he meant and how he feels. Hoping it all works out!

Why would you ask something like that unless you were having second thoughts yourself? It's kind of like the "do these jeans make me look fat?" question.

If he had asked you the same question, what would your answer have been? Is there a reason you thought to ask him the question in the first place? I can understand being hurt by his words, but I also think it’s possible he thought you meant “should the wedding still take place” and not “do you even want to marry me”. If you both think you’d benefit from counseling, I would look into all possible options for that before deciding you can’t afford it.

We all know how men can be. I don’t think he thought as deeply in to the question as you were. Re-hash it out but don’t get married just because you’ve put out a lot of money for a wedding.

I think as women we take a lot of stuff to heart while men just blur stuff out without thinking. They're just more practical like that and not as sensitive...trust me I've been there. I think all you have to do is explain why it hurt your feelings and let it go. Good luck!

View Quoted Comment The reason I ask him we in context.... he was saying things that very obviously were implying that he isn’t sure about the marriage. At least it’s how I understood it. So I asked him in context.

My question to you is why did you ask him that and did you mean it in a way of “is this getting too stressful to plan and should we continue to plan” or “do you still think I’m a good match for you?” That can make all the difference. We are going through a very strange time right now and I totally understand feeling stressed and overwhelmed because I definitely feel it too. He isn’t a mind reader, he’s probably going to need you to tell him you are upset and why. That’s going to be the only way to determine what he meant exactly and if you overreacted or didn’t. Some (most) men won’t pick up on you wanting to be told, “of course I want to marry you, you’re the love of my life” kind of thing with a question in the way you worded it. Men don’t generally think like that. So try to figure out exactly what YOU were trying to get out of the situation by asking, then be open and honest with him about it to see what he meant.

I honestly felt like your FH multiple times during our wedding planning processes and especially the last few weeks. When I’d get upset about something with our relationship my immediate reaction would be “well already spent $X on this dang wedding and bought a house so I’m stuck”. Some people just react logically rather than emotionally.


It’s not a symbol that you won’t be a good match or have a great marriage. I’m focusing on us being good partners rather than asking him or me to “feel” it 100% of the time. That’s my personal opinion about how relationships last.

I can see what you mean here. it's kind of hurtful to think that's his first thought that maybe it meant something else. but i'm sure he meant well but it came out badly

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If this is the case, then you two need to have a lot more conversation about this. You have every right to feel hurt, and that's perfectly understandable, BUT this is a conversation that needs to be approached calmly when you are able to do so. May be wise to have this conversation with a couples counselor if you don't think you can stay calm, and avoid blaming language that would likely only put him on the defensive and could escalate the problem beyond repair.

I understand why you are hurt, but as soon as I read your post, I realized there may be a misunderstanding. My first thought, based on his response, was that he was thinking about the wedding (not the marriage). The wedding and the marriage are two TOTALLY different things. I could be wrong, but you should talk to him so you can make sure you understand what he meant as you may not have been talking about the same thing.

View Quoted Comment He implied that he isn't sure about marriage
Then you asked if he wanted to get married
Then he responded that you guys already sunk a lot of money into the wedding?
Of course you should be upset!
With COVID 19 going on, I regret having planned and put money into my 80 guest wedding every single day. But that doesn't mean I don't want to marry FH. We plan to get married in the living room if we have to.
Ask him if he's having reservations about MARRIAGE to you or the WEDDING you have planned. A wedding is an optional celebration. A marriage is the two of you legally binding your lives together. Ask him straight up, if we had put 0 money into the wedding, would you still want to get married? If we could do this for free, would you still want to be my husband?
From his initial hints to his response when you asked for clarification, it sounds like he is having second thoughts. Double check exactly what he means. Don't ask us, ask him.

I think it's totally valid to be upset because it was a careless thing to say. That being said, this sounds like something my husband could def have said jokingly and not realised how strong a reaction I would have to it.

You can make your feelings known to him (aka that saying that was upsetting to you) but also not read too much into it. He's obviously not marrying you just because you've already put down deposits on things :p

I would say yes sleep on the couch because you are upset and feel hurt but..............................

After asking your follow up questions he explained it isn't about not marrying you it's probably the wedding. And that's a valid point. Right now no one can predict how this pandemic will end where we will be financially, health wise, career wise so maybe he's stressing about the unknown which is a valid concern . His feelings are just as warranted as your hurt. Sometimes we fall into our own feelings but think about the others feelings you may be a better communicator than him and his words weren't articulated correctly. He agreed to do marriage counseling, he's still there he is just probably stressing as a man who is about to take vows and should be able to support his family but also might be scared that that might not be possible.

Take time to think and go through your emotions but while you are upset don't have the conversation about it. You wont actually hear his reasoning (we only hear what we want when we are angry/hurt/upset) and express your concerns and be honest that you may be overreacting as you are stress wedding planning/thinking plus covid thinking. Since life isnt promised and people are dying so rapidly now is the time to embrace your loved ones( even virtually) but being there to say I love you, I'm here for you. etc.

My take on this is that he's stressed out and it is awful to thing about having sunk a lot of money into something that may not happen the way you like, but also feel like there is no out. You don't mention if the stress is due to pandemic related stuff or other, but so many people are facing really big burdens right now that are completely out of their control, and that is so stressful. No one wants to feel like a victim of circumstances. When you are faced with being out of work, not being able to pay bills, having limited social and emotional releases for a lot of pent up emotions, having put a lot of time, money, and emotions into planning a wedding that is up in the air, that is super stressful.

I've been really upset about what Covid-19 is doing to our wedding plans and our plans for the future. We have a lot of money down on a wedding that likely won't happen, we have zero idea when we'll be able to see our parents again, let along hug them and dance and celebrate with them, and because of the pandemic we are faced with the very real possibility of never being able to try for kids because we're in our mid-30s already and this could go on for a years. These are all things I have longed for for a really long time and the reality of all of my hopes and dreams for our lives together just crumble away is heart wrenching. I've told my FH I'm struggling because "I feel like there is nothing to look forward to" and "I just want something to be excited about" and he takes that super personally, as if just being with him isn't good enough. I absolutely love my FH and am grateful for him every single day, but I want to be able to grow with him and have things to look forward to that aren't just sitting at home all day. I feel like you can absolutely LOVE the person you are with and still be feeling a lot of negative things right now, especially something like the possibility of not having a wedding or other once in a lifetime event or worrying about finances and survival.

I also just want to point out that things like getting married, having a wedding, etc all mean something slightly different to different people. My FH keeps saying we can still do "something small" and I'm constantly needing to clarify what that actually means. Does it mean eloping just the two of us? Or having a small ceremony with us and our immediate family? Or is he thinking of just having a party of 20-30 local people, instead of the 60-80 guests we originally planned for?

When you say "I asked him if he still thought we should get married and his response was 'well a lot of moneys been sunk into it already so...' " that leads me to believe you might just not be talking about the same thing, because I think of "getting married" as the legal aspect of becoming a married couple, and that costs maybe a few hundred dollars for a marriage license and paying someone to officiate but having a wedding costs more and requires advanced planning and deposits. You might be asking "do you want to legally marry me?" and what he is hearing is "do you still want to have a [big] wedding?" He may really be into the idea of making you his wife but less into the whole throwing a more traditional wedding event right now.

I'd chill and come back to it when you are both feeling a little less emotionally and can talk, with a lot of clarity, about your concerns, fears, wants, desires, etc. This could just be a miscommunication thing, and I'd hate for you to be holding a grudge and reconsidering your entire relationship because your fiance said something when he was tired and stressed that was just taken the wrong way.