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Kelsey
Just Said Yes October 2020

Am i crazy?

Kelsey, on July 10, 2020 at 4:13 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 22
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One of my bridesmaids passed away in October 2019 and we are getting married this October. Her husband is the best man who began dating a woman not even two months after her passing. This woman is also an old friend of my bridesmaid’s who consistently took advantage of and mistreated her (I of course have ill feelings towards her prior to my friend passing away). The best man assumed that she was invited, which she was not invited even before my friend’s passing. I immediately, but politely yet sternly, told him no she is not invited and I do not want her there. My fiancé was also good friends with the bridesmaid and he doesn’t want her there either. We’ve talked about it and are on the same page. Is it wrong of me to not want her there? What do I do?

22 Comments

  • Melle
    Rockstar June 2019
    Melle ·
    • Flag

    Oh man that's a tough situation. since he's the best man i think i would want to let him bring her.

    i however don't think it's wrong of you to not want her there though. but i think considering he's best man, i would allow it.

    • Reply
  • Leanne
    Expert September 2020
    Leanne ·
    • Flag
    Ooooh that’s a tough one. The woman should be aware no one wants her there, you’d think she wouldn’t want to come. I think if you and your fiancé agree you don’t want her there, the best man should respect that.
    • Reply
  • Yasmine
    Super March 2021
    Yasmine ·
    • Flag
    No it’s not wrong if you. If you do not want her at your wedding then she doesn’t deserve to be there. As long as you and your fiancé are on the same page that’s all that matters.
    • Reply
  • Melissa
    Savvy April 2021
    Melissa ·
    • Flag
    It’s your and your fiancés wedding not a groomsman. You guys both agree so that’s that I think.
    • Reply
  • Kimberly
    Expert October 2020
    Kimberly ·
    • Flag
    I agree, if you and your fiancé are on same page that is what matters. If the best man asks why he isn’t allowed a plus one, you could tell him he is going to be busy with his best man duties for the groom. There really is a lot to do and he is there to support his friend first and foremost on his special day.
    • Reply
  • J
    January 1895
    Jessa ·
    • Flag

    If they are a social unit you should be inviting both of them. If she is not invited and he then declines to attend, how will both you and your future husband feel. What if they get married and refuse to invite either of you to their wedding?

    Do you object to her solely as a person, or because you think he started dating to soon? Do you blame her for the fact they are dating?

    You have the ability to make your own choices, but choices have consequences. Be sure you think of all of them and that you are okay with all the possible outcomes.

    • Reply
  • Jessica
    VIP September 2020
    Jessica ·
    • Flag
    Are you having a small enough wedding that you could say immediate family and close friends only? If you’re having a bigger wedding, chances are you won’t even have to talk to or really see this girl. You shouldn’t be pressured or forced to invite anyone, but typically couples are invited together and it could cause issues. I assume since he’s best man, he’s a close friends, is it worth jeopardizing that?
    We only had one request so far from a guest to bring someone (who we don’t know) and had to decline because of restrictions on the venue due to Covid. It made the whole situation much easier because I really would have felt guilty saying no even though I don’t know him.

    • Reply
  • Meghan
    Rockstar October 2019
    Meghan ·
    • Flag

    Wow. I am so sorry to hear about your friends passing!

    This is a very hard situation. Typically I would say the best man should be allowed to bring his girlfriend. However, I understand your side completely. I’m assuming, considering the fact he is the best, he is very close with your fiancé. I would have a very honest conversation with him as to why you both do not feel comfortable with her attending your wedding. I would hope that he would understand.

    • Reply
  • A
    Expert October 2021
    Ashley ·
    • Flag
    That’s tough. In general, guests should be allowed to bring their significant others, and the bridal party should always be given plus ones. This situation is tricky due to your personal dislike of her. It seems like there’s some resentment for how quickly they started dating, too. While you don’t have to invite her, you do have to accept that she’s important to the best man. Are you prepared to have the best man step down and not attend your wedding?
    • Reply
  • Dj Tanner
    June 2021
    Dj Tanner ·
    • Flag
    First off I’m very sorry for your loss.
    I’m a little curious why this person is the best man though? His wife passes away and 2 MONTHS after he feels that he’s more than ready to start dating, not just another person, but someone who used to mistreat his late wife?? You said your FH was also friends with his wife and doesn’t approve of his own best man’s new significant other. I’m sure there’s much more to the story obviously, but after reading your post at face value, I just find it hard to believe that he would even be wanted as a best man at that point. I will say however, I definitely don’t think that you should feel wrong at all for not inviting her. I’m surprised he even has an invite, but again I don’t know the situation like you do
    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    If you would not have wanted her before, do not invite her now. If he says he has a relationship and wants her there, tell him you declared a one year mourning period for your deceased bridesmaid, and are not recognizing any new relationships he has as committed ones until after the wedding.
    That is not usual etiquette, but in spirit, it is more respectful of your lost friend. To want to invite a new girlfriend to the wedding where his deceased wife would have been in the wedding party, is just too crass for words. If he pushes, drop him. He has the sensitivity of a rhinocerous, being dropped won't hurt him.
    • Reply
  • Kristen
    Rockstar November 2020
    Kristen ·
    • Flag
    Hmmmmm.... As others have said this is a tough one but no you're not crazy. I mean I would ask your fiance do you want to maintain a friendship with him post wedding. I say that bc if he gets wrong you two don't care for her he'll take offense. As someone said how would you feel if they got married and didn't invite one of you or both? I mean I agree it sucks to have someone that has been disrespectful towards a bridesmaid at your wedding and I feel like you are definitely in the right to not want her there. I also agree that's very odd that he started dating someone right away but I question is this just something he's going through mourning the loss of his wife and to get over her? At the end of the day it depends on your friendship with this person because I feel like if you tell him that she's not invited he's going to want to know why and unless you can say adding more people will cost more money or have a really valid reason he's going to take offense to hear that basically you two just don't like her even though I feel your reasons to not like her are Justified. So as others have said be mindful that he may decline being best man and he may decide that since you two don't like his relationship he may no longer maintain a friendship with your fiance. If his friendship is very important then I would just say let this one go and allow her to come but you don't have to be buddy-buddy with her and super nice to her. In fact you can just be the adults say hello and goodbye and keep the conversation short.
    • Reply
  • Marcia
    Devoted March 2021
    Marcia ·
    • Flag
    I honestly would be straightforward with the BM about why you don't want his girlfriend there, that way the BM won't offer to pay for her plate or anything. You should also be prepared that he may not come if she's not invited. But I think it's okay not to want negative memories and emotions at the wedding, much less in the wedding party.


    I actually have seen people start dating again quickly after losing a spouse, but I have always understood it as them being afraid to be alone because they loved marriage and miss their wife/husband. You, your FH, and the BM all share this same loss. Maybe use this as an opportunity to talk about that loss and heal.
    • Reply
  • Marcia
    Devoted March 2021
    Marcia ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Please do not declare a mourning period for someone else's loss. This is beyond hurtful.no No matter how it makes anyone feel, he is the only one who knows his relationship with his wifel, and we aren't in a place to judge.


    Of course, if you solely object to her as being a mean and manipulative person to your friend, dont invite her and explain that to him.
    To add more color, I actually know a woman who is married to a widowed man. His wife, on her death bed, suggested that her husband date this woman. The wife was worried about her young kids and her husband, and she thought this woman would be a good fit. Is that incomprehensible to some? Maybe. But that's what felt right to then.
    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    This woman was chosen as bridesmaid not because she was this man's wife, but because she was very close to the bride. And I think the bride and other of her close friends should be able to be in mourning for their friend bridesmaid's loss. Husband can date whom he likes outside the wedding. But they should be able to not extend any replacement invitation for husband to bring someone new. It is not only spouses who mourn.
    It is her ( OP) affair to offer an invitation or not. And within a certain reasonable time period, if she does not wish to recognize her friend's replacement, I think that is as important as any point anyone might have about recognizing her as half of a committed couple. It is their wedding. If one of groom's best friends was married to one of brides best friends, and the two couples spent a lot of time together as couples, I think that their wedding is not the time to indroduce her as a replacement in the foursome, personally. For the bride and groom to mourn her loss. What husband does, on his own time, is his choice. But Bride and Groom should not, as hosts, have to subsidize his dating life YET.
    Etiquette has always taken note of the right of people to mourn as being as important as many other usual rules. And my personal feeling is this is a time they can say, we are mourning loss of friend bridesmaid, and will not issue an invitation to this event to which she was originally invited, to anyone else the Husband has started dating. In time, if they stay together, they must accept new woman, or lose the guy's friendship. But for this short period, in this emotionally charcged event, bride and groom should get a pass. Respectful mourning of the friend they loss. And tell the guy, bridesmaid as a position can be replaced. But as a person, not this soon, not at their event. I realize that a lot of people do not respect mourning periods the way I was raised to do. But mourning is not the exclusive privledge of former spouses. It extends to closest friends, too.
    • Reply
  • Marcia
    Devoted March 2021
    Marcia ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    I'm sorry, but I just don't agree with this. I think it is perfectly acceptable to express feelings to the Best Man. But he IS objectively in a relationship, and nobody gets to choose to recognize or not recognize it for purposes of ettiquite. Ettiquite generally requires a plus one be allowed unless there is a specific issue with the plus one as a person.


    I agree that everyone gets to mourn a friend and gets to mourn at their own pace. OP may choose to leave that bridesmaid slot open and to keep other parts of her wedding and life dedicated to this friend.
    OP however does NOT get to choose when she will recognize this man as being in a relationship. It is disrespectful and hurtful. There is no obligation to hang out with them or like the girlfriend or congratulate him. But nobody gets to just disregard his relationship because they would prefer it doesn't exist. Just like BM cant control or decide how the people mourning his wife choose to mourn or what they are allowed to do.
    • Reply
  • Super August 2020
    ·
    • Flag
    I definitely don't think you're crazy for not wanting her there, she sounds awful. And if you and your fiancè are on the same page and it won't destroy his relationship with his best man, I think you can exclude her pretty easily, despite it being bad etiquette. But, it really doesn't have anything to do with whether or not she would've been invited before your friend's passing. She would now be invited as the guest of the best man, she would never receive her own invitation, so that might be a better way to think about it.
    • Reply
  • KitandKaboodle
    Master November 2016
    KitandKaboodle ·
    • Flag

    Condolences to you and your family and friends on the loss of your friend. IMPO, you have every right to not invite her and to request that the BM not bring her to your wedding. It's not like you don't like her because of their relationship. You didn't like her BEFORE your friend passed, and taking into consideration how she treated your friend, I don't understand why he is even in a relationship with her.

    With that said, stand your ground on this. If he decided not to attend, then so be it.

    • Reply
  • Nefetera
    Rockstar March 2015
    Nefetera ·
    • Flag
    Its your wedding and its what you say. If you feel you don't care for her and by her bring there would mess up your big day then no. Don't second question it its not bad or looking no way BC you don't want her there.
    • Reply
  • Katie
    Expert August 2021
    Katie ·
    • Flag
    That's tough but it's your wedding you are paying for. And you are paying for your guests to be there. If you don't want certain people at your wedding then you don't have to have them there especially with what happened. I don't even know why she'd want to be there anyways knowing she isn't really welcomed. I think you should totally stand by your decision. You have every right not to want her there. She doesn't even seem like she was a good person to your bridesmaid. She seems to me like one of those people who is always standing in the background of relationship of her friend waiting for something to go wrong so she can snatch up their man. Definitely not someone I'd want there on my big day.
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