Am i being Selfish / Wrong

Does your FH not have custody of his son? If so, big events like this should be written up in their agreement and he shouldn't be at his ex-wife's mercy. If not, it doesn't really matter if we think you're being selfish or she's being irrational, she's the decision maker.

I don't think you should change the date unless your son is concerned about missing a possible football game. It doesn't matter what the ex-wife thinks unless she calls the shots legally per the custody agreement. Ask your son how he feels, then he can tell his mom he doesn't care about missing one football game. I'm sure he'll have a lot more of them in years to come. This is definitely a legal matter though, you may have to get a lawyer involved.

Then maybe your FH should focus on gaining custody of his child instead of trying to come to an agreement that's seemingly impossible.

I completely understand, he should absolutely be there for your wedding. But if your FH's ex-wife has the upperhand in terms of legality, I think you and your FH may have to consider changing the date to avoid all of this drama. The last thing you want is to somehow finally convince her to let him skip that potential game, only for the time to roll around and his team makes playoffs and she goes "oops sorry, he can't come anymore". If having your son at your wedding is as important as you say, I would sacrifice the date to ensure that it happens. You shouldn't have to do it, but unfortunately it sounds like your FH's ex-wife is going to be anything but easy to work with. Best of luck to you both!

Oh that's a lot to deal with. Honestly I wouldn't change the date if she wants to be that bitter about it then let her. She's just hurting the son in the end. We aren't telling my FH BM due to her planning something and taking his son on a spontaneous trip.

Coming from a divorced family, I say talk to your future step son and see if he would be okay with missing the championship if it comes down to it. If he says that it's 100% fine, then you can go back to the ex-wife and say that you spoke to the child and he doesn't mind missing the championship - he'd much rather celebrate you guys getting married.

As a child, my parents always had my best interests in mind even though they were divorced. When each of them got married, they did make sure that it worked with my school/sports schedule because they knew those things meant a lot to me and didn't want to cause any unnecessary disruptions.

Do you think it would be appropriate to involve the kid at all? He's 9 obviously, so it's not necessarily fair to make it "his decision" because that's a lot of pressure on a young kid, but I wonder if you and your FH talked to him about the wedding and made sure he knew how much you both loved him and wanted him to be there, then maybe he could give you a better idea of how important football is to him. He'd also know you wanted him there so when conflicts came up could maybe mention to his mom how much he wants to have fun at the wedding! Obviously its a very tricky situation and involving the 9 yo might not be a good choice (definitely don't try to use the kid to wedge a further issue between his former wife and your family), but at least if you had a chat with him you'd have a better idea of what is important to HIM and then might know whether football is a real issue or not, etc.

Family law attorney here. Custody really is not the issue here, it's an issue of parenting time. My question is this: who's weekend does it fall under? If it falls under hers, you might have to file a motion in Court or sit down and talk to her. If it's his weekend, she doesn't really get a huge say - of course she could file a Court motion.

Personally, I think it's in the best interest of the child to be at the wedding. I would try and explain to her that you've been planning for months, some things won't be able to be changed, and you simply cannot redo everything for an event that may or may not occur.

I just want to say I am so incredibly sorry you're going through this. My FH has an almost 8 year old daughter and 0 custody according to the court. All visits are when ex-girlfriend says they are okay or convenient for her. So, I get it. In the last 24 hours things have blown up again about daughter being in the wedding. It's so ugly and awful and saddening. Sad that she is still so angry after so long. She only wants control and power and like you said, nothing you say makes her happy. I should note, all of the things she is complaining about happened in August, November, and December and she is just now bringing it up.

All that being said, I would not change the date. If your situation is remotely close to mine, nothing you do will be enough. There will be another event or thing he has to attend. We had to come to the place that if ex-gf refuses to let her come, that's something we will be incredibly sad about, but our hands are tied. We are moving towards a custody battle, but not until we are married. I am just learning how hard this all is.

I would talk to his son and see what he thinks. It's true, he's getting old enough that he will know how he feels. I truly feel for you. I pray it works out for you!

A lot of this will depend on custody agreements, unfortunately. We were in a fairly similar situation (stepson is 6, so 1st grade, not 4th) and we have split custody. We get kiddo every Friday-Monday and every other Thursday. Since we got married on a Sunday, we told mom (well in advance) when and where we'd be getting married and that the kid would be a major part of our day (as after all, this was just as much a special day for him as it was for us) and she was like "well you have him at that time anyway, so really no big deal to me." Granted, we have a great relationship with her, but open communication is key.

Adding on, while I agree that she's being too much about the football (I see this a lot with parents but sheesh, it's a sport, get over it) but if she has full custody, she really does get a say as to where her son goes. if not, she needs to be more open. This is his father getting married, not a silly picnic or whatever.

My unsolicited advice on dealing with the other parent is be kind, be open and don't talk smack about them in front of the kid. I have issues with my stepson's mother but overall I can't complain too much, and I let her know I appreciate her openness (after all, a lot of parents get very protective when another adult joins the parental unit, and that can be hard to accept especially as a same-gendered parent). It's hard, but SO worth it.

Is there any sort of agreement where your FH gets some sort of custody, or is she full-custody and allows your FH/you to see your stepson whenever applicable?

I would focus efforts more on fighting for custody and less on the wedding (even though I get the importance completely). Be ready, because I doubt it'll be pretty. When husband took my son's mom to court for custody, it was really bad. He was told he was lucky to get joint (even though he had pages after pages of evidence and testimony against her being a safe parent--she has since gotten infinitely better--but some of them were some health issues that required doctor's appointments due to negligence, but I won't go any further than that) but over the last few years, things have severely calmed down. I tend to play a peacekeeper role in the situation and it has helped both of them calm down a lot.