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Mrs. Spring
Master April 2021

Am i asking for too much? (trigger warning)

Mrs. Spring, on February 8, 2021 at 1:28 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 2 36
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I've struggled with Body Dysmorphia Disorder since I was 13. I cannot remember not being on a diet. I've lost 15lbs since covid (went from US dress size 4/6 to 2/4) and I want to lose more weight but I don't want to spend the $$$ on new clothes.



We are eloping out of town but my FH wants to host a Cake & Punch casual reception at his parents' this summer with only immediate family. I have a huge fear of being in photos and I especially dislike social gatherings with ppl idk. I don't want his brothers to invite any dates/girlfriends.
I've had issues in the past when they dated other girls with the constant comparison of how much prettier their girlfriends are than me simply because they have lighter skin and blue/green eyes. I have brown eyes and darker skin. I even secretly overheard one of his brothers tell my FH (2 years ago but it still hurts) that he should break up with me bc I'm ugly and I look like a gorilla. 😭😭😭😭 what hurt most is he said NOTHING about my personality being a reason to break up with me. And the physical things he critiqued me on (hair texture, skin color/eye color) I have NO control over. My FH became upset and told him not to ever say disrespectful things to him like that again and that he picks a partner based off personality and lifestyle (eating healthy, exercising). And that skin color and eye color had nothing to do with beauty and that he measured beauty by hygiene (bathing, taking care of teeth) and how well the person takes care of their body.
Do you think I'm demanding too much by requesting that his brothers' significant others aren't invited??!!


36 Comments

Latest activity by Mrs. Spring, on February 9, 2021 at 10:12 AM
  • Kimberly
    Super March 2021
    Kimberly ·
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    Yes you are asking too much to not invite other people because of the way they look. You are doing to them exactly what you were offended by with your FH’s brother. Both are wrong.
    I’m sorry you struggle with your body image and I truly hope you are seeking therapy to help you work through these struggles in a healthy manner.
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  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
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    Hi Kimberly,
    It's not bc of the way I look. It's bc I don't want to hear comparisons on my special day.
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  • A
    Expert September 2020
    Amanda ·
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    I’m sorry you’re struggling with BD as I have for many many years also. First, no, you cannot have your future sister in laws not attend the wedding based on physical image. This would be doing to them what you do not want done to you, judging them and making assumptions about them based on how they look. Going back to you, I suggest seeking therapy if you have not already. There are a lot of support groups - I suggest following @thechain on Instagram for helpful ED recovery tips. Best of luck.
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  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
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    And no, Im not doing to them what they do to me. I don't speak poorly of others' significant others' skin and eye clor and I don't try to convince them break up with their significant other UNLESS there's abuse. Did you really read my post?
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  • A
    Expert September 2020
    Amanda ·
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    But his brother said that, not his wife.
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  • A
    Expert September 2020
    Amanda ·
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    If there’s anyone not to invite, it’s the brother who made the comment. Not his “attractive” partner.
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  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
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    What wife? His brothers have never been married.
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  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
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    That would be FH's decision. Woah I guess you feel the same way as his brother. Thats so sad that our society is disorted like that.
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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    You cannot control what people think. But for his family to openly say bad things about how you compare to other women or other family members, is hurtful, destructive, and disrespectful. People do have their own personal preferences, and often outright prejudices, where anything not their ideal, is considered against the person. But in a family, or any social gathering, people can refrain from talking about it. The minimum accepted behavior from your inlaws should be conventional good manners. Civil conversation, and respect. They are as rude as any racist or misogynist, and you should not have to hear it. Talk to FI. He meeds to tell them to stop making remarks comparing people's body or appearances. Compliment something especially nice. Say nothing most of the time. And only offer other opinions when asked. Comparisons between 2 people are always either hurtful, or a negative thing, for one of every two to hear. Going about being offensive about you is something your FI should not allow them to do. He meeds to talk to them in private, and ask them to stop.
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  • M
    Super June 2021
    Melanie ·
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    I personally think it would be rude to not invite them, as they specifically haven't said anything about you. The brothers are the ones in the wrong here and just because their significant others aren't there doesn't mean they won't continue to say/think rude things. If anything, not inviting them will cause drama and bring attention to yourself. They will ask why can't they bring their significant others and you/FH would be put in the awkward situation to explain. While it is your day, it's completely unfair to not invite someone just because you think you'll be compared to them. As long as your FH thinks you're the most beautiful person in the room and stands up for you, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. He should have a conversation with his brothers to tell them to stop.

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  • A
    Expert September 2020
    Amanda ·
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    I am so confused. From what you wrote I understood FHs brother said very unkind things to you and in turn, you do not want to invite his partner (wife/girlfriend/). I may have misinterpreted something. I wish you success in your ED recovery.
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  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
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    I don’t understand not inviting the significant others and I don’t think this is a solution to your problem. Their significant other not being present doesn’t mean his brothers won’t compare their SO to you- it just means their SO won’t be there. This is an issue with his brothers and the fact that his brother said those things and your FH still wants to invite him to celebrate your wedding is concerning to me.
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  • Ava
    VIP May 2022
    Ava ·
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    It sounds like you are projecting your insecurities onto these innocent women (FBIL’s significant others) who have done nothing wrong and do not deserve to be excluded. I could understand why you wouldn’t want to invite FH’s brothers since they were the ones saying offensive things about you, but not the other way around. Couples are considered social units and should be invited together. So if you invite the brothers you need to also extend the invite to their significant others who have done nothing wrong.
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  • Sharonda
    Super January 2021
    Sharonda ·
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    I'm sorry you are dealing with body dysphoria, and I'm sorry about the rude comments your FH's brother made about you years ago. Although it's been a while, I can understand how that could still affect you. However, I don't think the resolution is to deny your FH's brothers the opportunity to invite dates or significant others. Instead, perhaps your FH can have a conversation with this brothers to ensure they (and their dates) don't make inappropriate comments about you during the event or otherwise. In addition, it might be worth speaking a therapist to get some tools to help you stop comparing yourself to others so you can allow your future BILs to invite dates/significant others and still enjoy your special event with your FH's family.

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  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
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    Hi Ava, Okay thanks for your input
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  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
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    Hi Sharonda,
    Thank you for your advice.
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  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie ·
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    Yes, I agree with this (including not really understanding why the cruel brothers are less of a focus here re. inviting vs. not inviting than brothers' significant others who have not been cruel).

    Like so many in-law issues posted here, this sounds more like a future spouse problem than an in-law problem. Your future spouse should be handling his family or making the decision to exclude them from your lives based on their behavior.

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  • Belle
    VIP August 1997
    Belle ·
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    People always have something to say. You have to harden your mental health. I have been told from my own family that I am fat. I am 4”8 and weigh a shy 90lbs. I think after 3 babies I look super duper great. I don’t care if they say “you look fat! You need to exercise more”. I am not that weak to take those negativity into my life. If that what they think, good. I am not bothered. At all. Don’t let others bring you down, no matter what. Everyone is different and we should accept that. Be a better person than they are. Flaunt that wedding dress of yours! You will feel great to show your self esteem. That’s sexy to me.
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  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
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    Hi Maggie,
    Message received. Thank you
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  • Sharonda
    Super January 2021
    Sharonda ·
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    You're welcome, and just remember . . . no matter what anyone else says, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL just the way you are! Hang in there!

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