Am I a Horrible MOH?!

You’re not a horrible person for wanting to get your car fixed over going to the bachelorette, but I guess I don’t understand why most of the party isn’t already paid for/money is put aside since it’s next week.

You are NOT horrible for not putting your own life aside because you are a MOH.
Everyone has a life and it doesn't revolve around the couple's wedding. Being upset with you because of that would be selfish of her, seriously.

"step it up and be there" is so easy to say when their lively hood isn't about to get a huge set back. If my job said no you can't get the time off, then guess what, I don't go (There are certain times of the year when this happens, obviously emergencies happen, but a pre wedding optional event isn't on of those). It sound like the bride isn't being a friend to you, and that is disappointing. Plus, if I knew the others were talking about me behind my back, especially the bride, I would be questioning the friendship.

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Sarah, I'll explain that part...

I only first met the other bridesmaids during our dress fitting/purchase. Directly afterwards, I was in contact with them on planning the bachelorette party because I wanted things planned/booked, but then everyone went MIA for months. It was only back in May that the Bride-to-be sent out a group text and I was able to get everyone's contact. From there, I had been trying again to things figured out, and one bridesmaid was MIA again (partial valid reasons), new plans were created by others, etc. So while yes, money was saved, no actual destination or plans were made, because everyone else was not on the same page - thus the cost have now differed. So now costs have changed due to plans being changed. And it seems as if everyone else is on the same page and in communication, but I am not.

Short version, no one tried to maintain contact with me as I attempted to plan the bachelorette party months ago, so I waited. Now everyone is rushing to get things booked/planned and my vehicle repair happened about the same time. I've taken a step back and am letting the other bridesmaids book a hotel and a few other things since for me, as I wasn't even aware of a new person (they were), there may be more details that I'm unaware of - I'd ask the bride, but she is unwilling to communicate with me, but appears to communicate with them.

Does that make sense?

Thanks everyone

I've been in a horrible funk since informing the bride of this and then reading her response...

I keep thinking that if I just choose my repair (costs unknown until full inspection), due to her current response, would I even be wanted/feel comfortable at the wedding? Yet, if I choose the bachelorette party, I will be still stuck with a repair.

So in a sense, I guess I'm feeling stress/borderline depressed because it almost feels as if in either situation, I can't win.

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A real friend would understand the hardships you are facing right now, and should say take care of your car, your job comes before my bachelorette, see you at the wedding. Not talk behind your back, stop communication, and ostracize you. That's not a friend. Just because she is getting married doesn't mean she gets to treat her friends like garbage throughout her engagement.

You are definitely not a horrible MOH. I wish I had you in my wedding. You sound like you put in so much work and care for the brides event and even with not possibly attending you still want to help out. I think they need to understand that you are a mature adult who is taking care of your car so you can work. It would be nice to party but at the end of the day you have to make the best adult decision for you.

You are not a horrible moh. You life does not revolve around the bride. Fix your car, and don't worry too much about what they think, they sound awful.

View Quoted Comment Absolutely agree with this 100%

People are the worst. Life happens. You sound like a great MOH and have gone above and beyond what is actually in the "job title" which is to show up and support your friend on her wedding day. If anything, the bride or other bridesmaids should be stepping up to help you figure out a solution, or if you simply cannot go to be supportive of you. Yikes, weddings make people crazy.

View Quoted Comment That definitely makes sense. It’s unfortunate that plans kept changing/no one was willing to communicate. I absolutely don’t think you’re being a terrible person for prioritizing your ability to get to work.

No, you aren't a terrible maid of honor. It sounds like the bride and the other girls are the terrible ones. A real friend would understand why you can't make it to her bacherlotte party. She also would've made sure that you were including in the planning process rather than communicating with the other girls, but not you. If she should be made at anyone it should be the other girls. You tried planning this months ago, but they disappeared and finally decided to step up only recently. That's on them not you. I personally don't think I'd want to maintain a friendship with someone who made me feel this way. I can tell you from experience that two of my bridesmaids were unable to make it to my bachelorette party and I completely understood. Sure I was disappointed they couldn't be there, but they had valid reasons. I never would've made them feel bad because they had other things going on.

You're definitely not a bad MOH or friend for not attending because you need to get your car repaired. But I'm a bit confused as to the reason you can't. Is it that you can't afford to fix your car plus the cost of the bachelorette? Which would be reasonable but you mentioned you would still pay your share. Is it because you won't have a car to make the trip if it's in for repair? Could you carpool with the bride or someone? I think either way you're not a bad friend or MOH, just communicate with your bride/friend your reason why you can't make it. And be clear you wish you could do both but can't swing it and maybe offer to take her out for drinks another night so you still get a special night with her. Her upset reaction may just be that shes upset you won't be there and it's at the last minute so her reaction was poorly directed AT you. I know if my MOH or anyone in my party backed out of my bach at all but especially at the last minute I would be SO upset, not AT them for having a valid reason, just in general because I would wish they were going to be there and I think it would be hard to mask my disappointment (I might even cry cuz I love them so much and would be so sad lol). Just have an honest conversation in person cuz text tone is hard and let her be upset about your absence. A true friend will still understand you have to prioritize your car for your livelihood.

View Quoted Comment Agree with this, particularly on honesty and clarity. It is not clear from this post exactly why you’d miss the party— while there are plenty of reasonable reasons the car situation could mean you can’t afford to go, when you mention still paying your share, it gets confusing to me, so I’m wondering if it may also be confusing to the bride. Without clarity, if I was the bride, I wouldn’t understand why you couldn’t physically be there if you are still paying your portion, and it would make me think things like “why can’t you just make it work?” — that’s the reaction without understanding. Let me be clear— I’m not saying you don’t likely have a perfectly legitimate reason! My point is just that it’s important to be clear with the bride about it so that she fully understands both that you do *want* to be there but that you also actually cannot make it work. A good friend would understand that, and if she can’t, that’s on her. The whole situation with the bridesmaids sounds a bit weird, so maybe it is on her anyway. If I understood the situation well, and wanted you there, I’d try to make it happen not just try to make you feel bad, but who knows what’s in her head. Anyway, on the clarity front — believe me, I know it can be many things. The unknown costs of being there eating/drinking etc, that there might already be extra costs you can’t contribute to, that you now just can’t afford to take time off work. They’re all perfectly fair reasons that do NOT make you a bad MOH. But I do think the bride fully understanding them is important. And if she’s not stomata she cares more about her party than her friendship, it’s nothing that you’re a bad MoH, it’s that she is a bad friend !

I'm also confused as to why you can't go, if you are planning to pay your share.

I could see how this would come across as you being salty they were unresponsive, and saying forget it, y'all plan something and I'm not going. If you were a BM it wouldn't be as big of a deal, but you're the MOH...you should be in charge of this.

I'll explain to those who are confused.

I explained via text to the bride about what is occurring because she would not answer her phone. I told her that it is not a definite that I cannot go, but that I needed to prioritize getting an estimate and such for repairs. She seemed to be understanding at that moment and i thought that I was okay, then hours later she sent me a message saying that she was disappointed in me and so forth.

Regarding the vehicle, originally we (bridesmaids) were not even sure whose vehicle was going to be used, but I offered, but needed to get an oil change and make sure that my vehicle was okay (my vehicle is more cost efficient when it comes to gas). In total, there were only 4 ( of us over the past 7 months including the bride which made a vehicle option fine. Now a new person is being added to the mix that everyone else knows about except for me. I've called and sent two texts to the bride asking is she had the chance, could we speak in person or over the phone...she simple reads (read receipts, so I know she's aware) the texts and ignores me. If I would have booked everything prior and a 5th person was added without my knowledge, I'm not sure what would happen.

The key to it all that I should have also explained is that the bride NEVER provided me with responsibilities. I assumed that I was in charge of the bridal shower and bachelorette party (someone I didn't even know planned her BP on a weekday in which I couldn't even attend. I was going to plan that, but didn't after knowing this). She wanted to take care of everything herself, so this entire time I have offered to help with anything, but she has never took my offer. She even blew up on me/pissed when I offered advice regarding something - friend procrastinating on being ordained so I offered to do it or find someone else who could perform the wedding.

As for the money factor, since everything is so last minute and the other have taken it upon themselves to plan things (making passive-aggressive comments as well), I feel out of the loop even though I've been trying my hardest since February when I met them, to get this things rolling. When I didn't have their numbers, I hunted them down via social media and contacted them. I don't know the estimated cost for anything anymore because what was originally planned is no more - new location(s), another person to factor in, etc. The other bridesmaids are purchasing things like hats, shirts, etc to make it a "true" bachelorette party, and I am NOT mad at that! I just don't know the full cost of things or what's going on. Literally, the plan that I had which was agreed on was sneakily dismissed as one of the bridesmaids spoke to the bride and started coming up with other ideas. When I even brought up who this other person was as I'd like to know, the only thing they said was that the bride knows about this.

Basically, I feel out of the loop now due to lack of communication, the bride wont answer my texts or calls, the bridesmaids seem to have developed a new plan (they are all good friends, I don't know them) which the bride now agrees to and are planning this trip.

New plans + Another person = current unknown costs, more expensive hotel room(s)(last minute bookings are typically expensive), etc.

Does this clarify some things?

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I mean this in the nicest way possible. I would back out of the wedding and the friendship based on this. I would make one last effort to talk to the bride alone. It is clear from this post the bride doesn't care about your 15 year friendship. The others are being "mean girls". I don't know why they would treat you this way, and I wouldn't pay a dime until you are able to talk it out.

With the wedding a few weeks away, I get that the bride is busy, yet I'm not aware of how to help, how to communicate, etc when it seems as if I've been shunned because of my need for vehicle repairs. I actually started to question if the newly added person (just added this week or from my perspective) is a replacement for me at the Bachelorette party even though I never 100% confirmed that I was not attending

They sound like a bunch of mean girls. I wouldn’t go - I probably wouldn’t even want to be in the wedding or be friends at this point.

You are not a horrible MOH. I would venture to say that the bride is a horrible bride. It's pretty selfish and self-centered to respond to your car issues with "step it up and be there." It's not like you're skipping it because there's this movie coming out that you really want to see, or you totally need to go shopping that day. You can't help the situation with your car. She could be a lot more understanding.