Alcohol issues

I would be honest with your dad. Tell him that your wedding is about two people and two families, and you will be honoring and celebrating both of them. You are honoring his wishes for a dry wedding until 7:00PM, so that he can comfortably celebrate and eat dinner with you (I am assuming dinner will be over by the time the bar is opened?). After 7:00 PM, you will be serving alcohol to those guests who would like to partake (including you and your SO- whose wedding it is and whose wishes should be most important!), and if he would like to stay, you would love to have him. But if he feels uncomfortable and would like to leave, you understand and respect his decision for an early departure. This is a fair compromise. He is getting his way for the first four hours of your wedding, and then you, FH, and his side of the family will have things their way for the remaining 4(ish?) hours.

View Quoted Comment Yes dinner will be over well before 7pm we will be starting the food at 4. My dad is just extremely strict about the alcohol thing he said if he knows there is alcohol at the venue in general he said he will not be attending… I don’t want to lie to him about it but at the same time I want to be able to keep everyone happy including my dad since he is paying for the venue and him and i are really close so i don’t want to hurt him with “hey we’re having alcohol so you can leave now”. Even just telling him that would kill him so i’m trying to find a reason to tell him why they have to leave at 6 or 6:30 since i know he’ll want to stay to help clean everything.

View Quoted Comment I’m curious, what is the issue with alcohol? Is he a recovering alcoholic? Just doesn’t like alcohol? Is it a religious thing?

View Quoted Comment It’s a religious thing I grew up christian and i’m romanian so we NEVER grew up around alcohol or dancing because he believes it’s a sin and that you don’t need to have alcohol at a wedding for you to have fun. It’s just hard when my fiancés side is completely different and is now offended because they feel as if my side of the family is judging them for the way they celebrate

View Quoted Comment That’s a really hard position to be in. You’re definitely caught between a rock and a hard place. Obviously, no matter what you choose, someone is going to be unhappy. In the end, it really should be about what you and your fiancé want for your event. Unfortunately, the fact that you are allowing your father to pay for the venue complicates things- it would be even more faux pas to allow him to pay for the venue then request he leave it (for any reason, not just alcohol). If I were in your shoes, I would decline letting my father pay for anything pertaining to the reception. I would explain to him that the wedding will be dry in order for him to celebrate comfortably with you until 7:00 PM. After 7, you and your fiancé have chosen to have alcohol at your reception. He is aware that you drink alcohol, so this should not come as a huge surprise. Also, this day should be about you and your fiancé, not about him. He should be appreciative that you are modifying your wishes during the first half of the wedding so that he may comfortably attend. He should also be understanding that this event is about bringing two families together and being accommodating to everyone- not just his preferences. Not everyone has the same religion and not everyone has the same beliefs, and it is unrealistic to think the world bends to your personal wishes. This is your wedding day, and he should care most about your happiness.
Bottom line though, I would not lie to him or try to make up some excuse as to why he needs to leave the reception. For one thing, he is going to find out. 100% he will find out. Plus, if you are old enough and mature enough to get married, that means you should also be mature enough to be honest with your father.

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Unfortunately I think Cece's first post is probably the best way to move forward. It's a solid compromise, and he doesn't have to partake in the activities he deems inappropriate, you know? It's super hard balancing two cultures, so I'm very impressed by all the steps you're taking to make as many people happy as possible! But ultimately this day is about you and your FH and what the two of you want to do, you know?

Get practice in now setting and maintaining boundaries with consequences. If you don’t, they will bully you into what they want after the wedding as well: how far away you live, when and how often you visit, how you raise children and how often they get to see them, and the list goes on. If you don’t stand your ground, they will walk over you. They already had a wedding and this is your turn. You make decisions. Are they contributing any money? If so, give back what they have offered so you are able to make the final decisions. Guests, which includes parents, don’t make planning decisions.




Do they not go out to eat at restaurants and other establishments that sell alcohol? If so, that limits a person‘s social bubble. No one is forcing them to drink alcohol at the restaurant/stadium/fairgrounds. The same applies to your wedding. No one is holding anyone at gunpoint to drink beer or else. If they choose to not attend on that reasoning, that only makes them look bad. Either have the bar open for the entire reception except the final hour for last call or don’t have any for the entire duration. The odd late hours open only is confusing to everyone else who is not holding this threat over your head.

I have to agree with Michelle. When it comes down to it being religious, it needs to be made clear that not everyone is going to believe in what your father does, and it's not fair to shove those beliefs on other people. I think the first half being dry is a completely fine compromise and if he isn't okay with that, it seems to be more of a control thing than anything else. My FH himself doesn't drink and he has many people in his family who don't drink for many different reasons. He doesn't push that on other people though, and neither does his family. Everyone grew up differently and each culture/religion/family has different traditions and beliefs, and it sounds like you yourself would like to have alcohol at the wedding, so it's not fair for him to put that restriction on you and you are absolutely not disrespecting him by doing what YOU want for YOUR wedding.

How about have a dry reception but cut the reception short (so cut it off at 7).

Have a much earlier after-party at a bar?

So it would be like this:

No alcohol at dinner -> when it gets to 7 announce reception ended -> travel with other guests to "after-party" where dancing, open bar (or cash), and the "fun" stuff begins

View Quoted Comment Having a short reception and early after party is actually a great idea! Your father cannot be offended or upset, because the venue he paid for will host a dry reception. And you, FH, his family, and any of your family and/or friends that want to drink and party can attend the second event.

View Quoted Comment Totally agree! 💯 percent.
Please don’t invite guests/families to only part of your wedding or reception.
I’m torn on the after-party idea. It’s unfortunate others can’t enjoy drinks during cocktail hour. However, it’s an interesting idea to have a dry ceremony and perhaps go right into dinner/short reception. Then allow all guests to continue the reception with drinks, dancing, etc, even if just in a separate area of the venue so it feels like good transition and non-alcohol guests can leave. You & your spouse should host the party reception though—guests should not open their wallets at your wedding.

These are great points and suggestions. I will add that whatever you decide you want at your wedding is your call. Your father will then make a choice that he will have to live with and it will not be your fault. Stand your ground now because it will only get worse. Stay confident in your decisions once you make them. I hope it all works out!

I feel like most of the commenters on this post haven’t experienced having religious parents. It’s so much more complicated and difficult than just putting your foot down. To be honest, since you’re accepting money from your father, I would just go with his wishes. If you weren’t accepting money then it’s easier to say no, but then you obviously want your father to be at your wedding. It is unfair and selfish that they put requirements on us like this, but in the end would you have preferred to have alcohol to please your guests or would you rather have had your father at your wedding? The alcohol will not matter years down the the line. It’s also a possibility for you and a bunch of your closer guests to just visit a bar after the reception. I don’t think lying to him will work, I’m sure he will find out. Sorry you are going through this!

I hate to say it, but I would respect fathers wishes in regards to the drinking. For one he's paying, and two the wedding is about the two of you joining in marriage and combining families. Alcohol isn't a necessity to do this. While I know it is your day and you shouldn't have to go with a dry bar, I'm assuming your SO and his side of the family don't have strict feelings where if there is no alcohol they won't be attending. I hope that this works out for you because it's supposed to be a special day for you. Definitely can't ask your family to leave the wedding because you all want to party. Decide what's most important to you, whether it's celebrating with drinks and new family or honoring your father's wishes. Hopefully you'll be able to decide which is best for you please let us know how things go. Good luck.

You can be honest and upfront with your dad and let him know that you and your fiancé will be having the wedding you both envision and would love for your father to attend regardless of what is being served. Honestly if he doesn’t come that will be his loss and not yours. That would be his decision that he’d have to live with for the rest of his life. I’m not sure what kind of bar service you’re having but If you want to compromise a little and still have alcohol instead of a full bar you can do just wine. I am also Christian my dad is a minister we also didn’t grow up around alcohol in the house or anything, my husband and his family are catholic but we still had the wedding of our dreams with kid friendly music and an open bar with no push back even if there were we would set our boundaries and who ever wanted to come and support us would be there and this is what you will need to do as well. Family and guests must realize the wedding isn’t for them but to honor, witness and show love and support to the couple getting married and that’s all. The fact that couples take in account of their guests to such high extent is a plus and very gracious but it often gets seen as obligatory and other than having meal selections for all preferences, your cake selection, decision to have alcohol or not and who’s invited, etc. are no one’s decision but you and your fiancé. Have the wedding you want to have and ask your dad to support you and show his love regardless.

First of all, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It is a very unfair position for you to be in. I completely empathize with having parents with strong religious and traditional beliefs. Although not with alcohol, I have already had several run-ins with mine about the wedding planning and how I should and shouldn't do things. I do understand wanting to have your father there AND wanting the wedding to be done the way you want it. I also understand wanting to make everyone else feel happy and comfortable. All I will say is this - you only get one wedding. One day that is a celebration of your love and the beginnings of your new life with your SO. There are no do-overs, and you don't want to regret doing something, or not doing something, that you wanted because it made someone else happy.

The other thing is that this new life you're starting changes everything. You are transitioning from being parents/family oriented to creating a family of your own. Your SO is stepping into the role of partner. When you join lives, he becomes your priority just as you are his. Your life and the family you are creating and your wants and needs supersede that of any outside party, parents included. When you're having a baby or buying a home or making otherwise life-changing moves, who will know first? Who will be there day and night to support you and take care of you and talk through those big decisions? YOUR PARTNER. Not your dad, not your mom, not your closest friends. Of course they will always be involved and be important, but you can't center the rest of your lives around anyone but each other. I know that is a hard thing to confront and an even more difficult conversation to have with your parents. Mine always make me feel guilty, like I'm doing something TO them, when in reality, they are making something about them that has absolutely zero to do with them. Your father loves you and you can respect his beliefs without allowing him to control yours. Set boundaries, even when it's hard. He will come around, or he won't, but you're not doing anything wrong by standing up for yourself and your partner.

My next step would be to talk to your SO and discuss some plausible options that you BOTH can live with, and whatever you decide is what you tell your parents. Again, I know this is easier said than done, but I think it's very important that you start your journey with your SO in a way that shows him, and your family, that you are a unit and all decisions you make will be done together and in accordance to your wants and needs.

I am sorry you are dealing with this, My fiance's Grandmother hates Alcohol as well however she understands and respects that this is our wedding and as much as she doesn't like it we will be having Alcohol, If they are offended they don't need to attend

View Quoted Comment You're definitely wrong. This issue is not just a matter of alcohol, it's a matter of the dad being controlling,manupilative. Seriously? He won't attend his daughter's wedding because of this? It's more than selfish of him!
Because if they are having an open bar , nobody will pressure him to drink so he won't commit "a sin" and nobody will control what he is allowed to do. On the other hand, not having a bar means her dad can decide what other people can/can't drink. Skipping the bar and "downgrading" the guest experience for more than half of the guests to accommodate 1 people ... Really?

Plus, she compromised "to have my family at the venue from 3pm-6:30pm since the bartending company will be there at 7 to open the bar for us." But it's not enough?

Being religious doesn't allow anyone to decide who can drink what .

Her dad is telling her "I only support you if things are done my way". You can tells you how much he loves her... What a great dad he is!!

View Quoted Comment I understand that this isn’t fair or right. You’re right, it IS manipulative. But in the end this is her father and this is a COMMON issue for children of religious parents. Despite this, she obviously wants her father to be there. It doesn’t sound like not having him is what she wants. Telling her to not invite him isn’t helpful, because I doubt that’s her intention. And aside from all of that, she is taking money from him. If she gives all the money back and pays for the wedding then she’d have more agency as well.

View Quoted Comment Sorry ahead of time for the long reply, I'm overly chatty.
She's taking money from him but from what I understood, he is not paying for the majority , otherwise she wouldn't be allowed to argue with him over this. Paying for the whole event or for 10% are 2 differents things.She also said she wanted to acknowledge her fiancé's culture since they always drink at parties.
Yes, she wants her dad there but at all costs ? Sure: alcohol is not a must-have, however it's popular at parties for a reason, . this is why pleasing the masses is, in my mind, more important than 1 people, even a parent.I can see both sides since we both have some very religious grandparents, uncles, aunts, we got backlash because we're doing a secular ceremony but we're not compromising at all. Those who trully want to attend, will.
The main reason why I side with Abby is "At if i don’t come up with something I don’t even want to have a real wedding anymore": she cares about her dad, shr even compromised but he only wants to get his way and the idea of not coming wouldn't make him feel sad...