Advice/Help on a family member who is a moocher! *Rant*

Anyways fast forward- he needed at home care but couldn’t afford it, but I am not home enough to give him the care he needs. I had to make the hard decision to put him in a home temporarily until he is better to be on his own (he had a full leg reconstruction among other things). I had backlash from the family but I had no other choice as I work full time and go to school and he would need 24/7 care. Since none of them could come out to AZ from NJ to help, that was the option. I paid lots of $$ out of our wedding fund to help him get in and his SS and disiability covers each month. He can leave when he wants to, again not permanent.

Flash forward to last night. He called FH wanting to borrow $400 to send to his wife (separated). He wasted $2,000 in October seding her money and when it came to him injuring someone while impaired, I had to fork up the $ to bail him out of his mess. Now he wants to borrow more $! I hae no problem if it was going to him personally for any necessary need in the place, but he doesn’t need the $ and frankly we still need to pay bills and the wedding. We have been living on my smaller salary as my FH was laid off for 2 months (normal with a union electrician) and now he’s back at work. FH seems to think we need to go without, letting our electricity shut off, car payments be late etc to help his uncle send $ to his ex-wife…. And I am the bad one when I say no. Am I wrong? I felt good about my decision but my FH made me feel terrible last night. I have spent 7 motnhs while FH was away working helping this uncle who is dysfunctional and I feel like ive gone above and beyond to help but when we cant help financially, what is the problem with saying no. Again it would be different if the $ was going to him and not his ex wife.

Ladies, Any advice on how to show my FH that it hurts my feeling when my voice is not heard as well as make him see that I am not turning my back on family- we just don’t have the $

That is crazy, and it seems like the uncle is really taking advantage of the situation.

If the emotional connection is what clouds your FH's judgement about the whole situation, I would just pull the numbers. Show him what his uncle's income and expenses are, show him what your household income and expenses are and try to have him understand that the burden to financially support this separated wife does not fall on your shoulders.

I don't think it would hurt to look into a financial planner/advisor, someone who would be in charge of handling the uncle's money because he clearly can not, and does not seem to understand the value of money over the sensation of being drunk.

Do you have a contact for this wife/aunt? I would go as far as to connect with her and see if she is even ASKING for the money in the first place. If the uncle is lying to gain $$ for his addiction, it will be plain as day.

You did the right thing, and really stepped up for this family. Your credit (which will suffer when your bills are paid late) should not be compromised for YOUR family's future (buying a house, getting a loan...etc)

Well ee the problem is that legally y FH is in charge of his $ due to the fact that he cannot handle his $. I had to take over when FH was across the country. LOL a judge said h is deemed unfit, how does my FH not see that!

The wife blows up my phone for $ and wants it constantly as she has addictions as well as I have even gone to the point of screaming at her ( i felt bad) and stated that hello we dont have the $ to give you, it is all going into his care.

You're absolutey right about our credit. We have a home, but have so little to pay off on it and want to eventually buy another home as well as finish paying off cars, eliminate debt and save for kids.

Sadly, my FH is just like me and we have big hearts and would help if we had the $. But we just dont right now.

We decided to remodel our house with new foors before the wedding as our damaged and stained white carpet was embarrassing and its a perfect timeline to fnish it.

The only way to stop it is for everyone to say No. Why doesn't your FH want to say No? Why aren't the other family members coming to his rescue if it is that important? He can send her money when he has money to send.

Your FH's family is enabling him to make bad decisions and is taking advantage of the family. You guys should not have to dig yourselves into a hole just to help the uncle dig his deeper. His ex-wife or whatever has no right to any money he has if she is also receiving assistance. If she can't survive on the assistance she is receiving she needs to reevaluate her life.

You can only have a big heart till a certain point.

Edit: Tough love is the best thing you can do for his uncle and ex-wife.

I'm confused why he needs to send money to his ex-wife? I don't see any reason for you to subsidize her, particularly when she's no longer married to your FH's uncle.

I think you've already been super generous.

I was in an almost identical situation with my uncle and his ex-wife. He was a former addict who was unable to take care of himself due to his irresponsibility to handle money/ addictions, and unfortunately died in December due to a stroke. The best advice I can give you is to stand your ground. As long as you continue to enable him and bail him out, it will be a never ending cycle as long as he lives. I can't tell you the amount of money my mother, grandmother, and others have given him out of guilt. It took years for my parents to finally stop enabling him, so you need to handle it now. What helped was my mother speaking with a counselor to ease her guilt and make her see she was making the problem worse. I really feel for you. It is such a tough situation.

So... you mention that you have big hearts and want to help...

By continuing to allow crazy, addicted uncle and his wife (separated) to continue to live in this world where the realities of life don't apply, you are actually NOT helping him. Frankly, the most loving thing to do would be to quit enabling him. (It is also hard, I get that.)

And, if other family cannot/will not provide any assistance then they need to quit criticizing the work that you are doing. Standing on the sidelines and lobbing "inputs" your way is not allowed.

You also have a primary responsibility to your immediate family unit (you, DH, and current/future kids) and you cannot "go down with the ship."

Dealing with addicts and incompetency is very challenging. Please make sure that you and FH have a solid plan to support each other thru this or it will be really, really awful. Have you considered speaking to a counselor that is familiar with addiction issues and family dynamics?

Future Mrs. Gee, you know what you are? You are one of the truly good people on planet earth. Actually, you're more than that. Plenty of good people would have put a stop to this long ago.

If he is an addict (whether it's drugs or alcohol), I would absolutely use that in establishing some new protocols in your continued efforts to help him. Remember, you're not just managing his health care (which is no picnic for anyone who hasn't been there. It requires a lot of phone calls, paperwork, etc.), you're also taking from your own funds to give it to him. I would insist that he showed some kind of initiative in overcoming his addiction and maintaining sobriety. He needs to be accountable to someone in terms of his addiction. Whether that is a therapist that you can have access to or a sponsor in a recovery program, there has to be someone in authority that you can go to when you are doubting his decision and requests (and he needs to know that). Without addressing the addiction, this will go on until he dies. That's really where you should focus your efforts -- addiction and a point person -- and then you can make a plan.

You are essentially his ATM. He runs out of money, and he comes to you. He probably isn't borrowing money because I doubt he pays it back. If you owned a multimillion dollar company, you wouldn't be feeling the pinch, but you don't have that kind of wealth. You're building your life and your future, and you're doing it the old fashioned way -- hard work. If you're handing out money, you are entitled to know where it's going. If he needs $400 for food and a utility bill, fine -- he can provide paid receipts, and if he doesn't, then I'd tell him that the next time he runs into the same situation, he can live on Ramen noodles in the dark for a while. Discomfort can be a huge motivator. As far as his ex-wife -- the answer is no. It's just no. She has her own family, and like him, she can go to them. I'm also wondering why the rest of this man's family thinks it's just fine for you to handle his care and finances just because they aren't in close proximity to him. They can send checks through the mail. I really think you're being taken advantage of in this situation. There's nothing wrong with helping someone who finds themselves hit with a disaster, but this is a chronic situation, and it sounds like the family in Arizona is relieved that someone else is taking on this burden.

Calculate what this is actually costing you, and have a discussion with FH. Tell him that you are not opposed to helping, within reason. That means that this uncle shows initiative in dealing with his addiction and accountability in dealing with his money. That's not cruel. It's wise, and ultimately, it may be the one thing that saves this man's life.

Absolutely not. I agree with AthenaKay. You should not dig yourself into a hole causing a stressful situation for you both to care for his ex-wife. If she cannot balance her checkbook, then she needs to figure it out. You are correct. You have went above and beyond, but sometimes you have to let people hit rock bottom.

Or couldn't you get some court ordered rehab? I mean this uncle has already hurt others while under the influence (if I understand your earlier post correctly). It just seems like your FH might be missing the bigger picture.

It is great that your hearts are big and your hearts ARE in the right place. This person can not be allowed to take advantage of your generosity

You guys seriously had me in tears and in a good way! I feel so validated! Thanks from the bottom of my heart for this advice

@ Crystal- They don’t help since they have done so much and pretty much cut all ties with him- like we should!!

@AthenaKay- I agree completely. FMIL completely enables and tells me to get over it and help. Well when I put my foot down FH goes behind my back to help him. Its not that I am cold or don’t want to help its that we do not have the $ to do so and growing up in an alcoholic household as a kid- I know what we are doing is more harm that good.

@ Futuremrslav- she doesn’t manage her $ and she asks her ex for $ and him being dysfunctional sends her $ and then comes back to ask us for money. Its crazy

@ Emily- I don’t wish this situation on anyone. You feel torn trying to stick by family without making it worse. Its tough.

@ Rosemary- My FH needs to get on board, but hes so loyal. By no means am I saying cut him out of our lives, frankly I love his uncle to pieces and hes family to me. But my FH needs to realize that we will go down like a sinking ship with him if we aren’t careful. I don’t know how he doesn’t see that

@ Sonbird- I have tried to talk to a counselor- I am a HUGE fan of therapy but I have to wait until I get on FH’s health insurance as I don’t have it currently. We do need a solid ground and if FH didn’t have such a big heart he wouldn’t be the man I want to marry. However, we need the strong solid foundation to support us because I see it ripping us apart and causing a rift when my feelings or concerns are not addressed. In his eyes, we are a team until his uncle comes into play.

@ Centerpiece- your advice always hits home. How about you join my family cause your advice is perfect! LOL just kidding. But in all reality you are correct. They are in NJ and are just happy that the burden is taken away from them and on me. I am all for helping out family, but I didn’t sign up for taking on a 50 year old child. If we ha dteh money it would be ok to pick up his smokes ( I smoke so I understand that) or get him some food. The problem is that at the group home he is in, they provide food, a bed, make his meals, a roof over his head etc. He doesn’t need anything but soda and smoke which I am more than happy to provide.

His family is a string of dysfunction and don’t see that it takes a toll on me. I internalize things and then I get physically sick. FH was gone for 7 months in NJ and we are in AZ living. I finally get him home in hopes to have him handle it so the blame is off me. He definitely is the softie and not standing ground. Its funny when I placed him in the home, the whole family threw a fit. My response: “if you don’t like it, you come out here and deal with it. if not, I will. Im 24 years old. I work 2 jobs, go to school full time, and am planning a wedding. I cant handle much more especially because its not my place to make decisions for someone who isn’t my family. I was never asked to take on the responsibility- more forced.

I think a serious sit down with FH is needed. It's hard to see the faults in some of our loved ones and I'm sure FH just wants to help his family. But tough love is needed.

@ Future Mrs MG: If it is cost that has you waiting to talk to a counselor, there are some organizations in the greater Phoenix metro area that will provide counseling services on an "ability to pay" basis. (My MIL actually works with one of these orgs and they have some clients that pay nothing.) They are pretty much all faith-based organizations so that will influence their approach. If you are interested, I can ask my MIL for more information.

That would be awesome!

A sit down talk is needed but I cant get him to do it without getting so angry and defensive like his family name is being attacked. I have said well maybe theres a reason why no one will help him… I don’t think its fair that in the midst of starting our lives together we have to deal with this stuff. Its been almost 3 years of it and im tired. His bro hates that we have to deal with it but he stays away for good reason. Why my FH cant see it is beyond me

I think it's important for your FH to understand that concept of how you need to help yourself before you help others. You know, make sure your oxygen mask is firmly on your face before assisting others? If you drain all of your money to help someone who doesn't want to help himself, how on earth can you continue to help him in the future? You need to get the point across that in order to help, you need to be financially stable, and these large, not though out transactions drain your ability to help him (or anyone else) in the future.

@ Future MrsGee: I have some information from my MIL on counseling services available in the Phoenix area. If you would like to PM me, I would be happy to send it to you. (I have adjusted my profile settings to make it possible for you to contact me via WW.)

Janeen- absolutely i dont want to go down with the ship!! I hope that my FH can back me up though when i say things like that because it makes me frustrated when he doesnt and will accuse me of not"being there for his famly"

@ Songbird- you're awesome i will PM you now

Have you considered attending Al-Anon meetings? It's like AA but for family of people with addictions. I believe it's free but I'm not certain. It can be a great resource for you and your FH, and maybe connecting with others who have been through what you're going through can help provide some perspective.

I agree with Lori. Start looking into treatment and give him an ultimatum to attend meetings.