Advice: Small ceremony, followed by big reception

My first question is what does your FH want? My next question is who is paying for the event? If you want a small ceremony followed by a large reception, I’d keep the ceremony to immediate family (parents, siblings and their spouses) and maybe one best friend each. That way no one can say you played favorites. You mention that in your culture this would be fine, but what about your FH’s culture? I don’t think there’s anything wrong with doing this, but I do think you should make sure that you and FH are on the same page and if you are, you aren’t “asking” for this, you’re simply letting people know what the two of you have chosen for your wedding.

I would agree with Sarah about making the ceremony list as small as possible with this sort of setup. If you have only your immediate family and those who would have been in your bridal party/are in your bridal party at the ceremony, then most people wouldn't be upset. But if you're inviting 40 to the ceremony like you mentioned, it could get a little dicier.

A friend of our got married and had a 75 person reception, but their ceremony was just in front of their parents and siblings. None of us were offended at all, because they stuck to a really understandable rule about who was invited to the ceremony.

It's definitely doable and has been done, I'd just be careful about that ceremony guest list. If this is important to you and it's also what your FH wants, I see zero reason you shouldn't do it. It's actually what we were going to do until we decided on an intimate destination wedding!

I think the easiest way to not offend people would be to have an immediate family only mini-ceremony, or to elope. Then have the large reception celebration.

I think Sarah’s wording is perfect! Make a clear cut of who is invited to ceremony and no one should be offended. I don’t think it’s wrong at all, this is actually what I would prefer as well.

Same, I don't really want my intimate, special moment shared in front of hundreds of people, so its just me, FH, and immediate family totaling 12. If your FMIL is paying for some/ all of the wedding, be prepared for that offer to be possibly rescinded. If that isn't an issue, then your FH should just be straight with her. "Thanks Mom, this is what we are doing for our wedding".

I am totally with you and not wanting a bunch of strangers at your wedding. We actually just went to a co-worker's wedding a couple weeks ago where she told me she had those same concerns. She wanted her wedding (which was large) to feel like an intimate, tight knit group. She set up an Our Wedding Party event so all us guests could get to know each other and see how everyone was connected well before the wedding. It definitely set a communal and exciting vibe when the big day actually arrived. Actually had a great time with some of her husband's family who also had ties to the northeast. I enjoyed this as a guest as much as she loved it as a bride getting the vibe of her wedding where she wanted it. Hopefully something like that could help you have a big wedding and still feel like it's a close-knit, intimate wedding regardless of the ceremony/reception decisions.

If my husband and I did a big wedding we would've wanted an intimate ceremony. But we just did a small wedding in general. If anything just differentiate the invitations between close family or friends that you would want at the ceremony or just tell them so they know you would like them there (and not the others).
Just know that it is your wedding and it is your day. For a compromise have the intimate wedding that you want and then the big reception that your MIL wants (only if she is paying). My rule of thumb for my wedding was "unless you are gonna pay, then you do not have a say".

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FH is on board with a small ceremony, but concerned about hurting people's feelings (specifically extended family). FH's parents are paying for a large portion of the event (including the venue/catering) Which is why we would have to "ask" his parents, rather than just tell them

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Unfortunately FH's parents are paying for a large portion of the wedding! In hindsight, we should have laid out very clearly what they would have a say over and what they wouldn't before accepting the money

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Awww gotcha! Well, if anything try to see if you guys can come up with a compromise because it is YOUR wedding you know?? Do the intimate wedding and then let MIL or parents do whatever for reception. If that is what you want and don't mind of course.