Advice- saying no to being a bridesmaid for my bridesmaid

Despite all of this, I’ve known her since she was five and she holds a special place in my heart. I wouldn’t tell her I can’t be her bridesmaid because of these reasons. However, my FH and I plan to start a family soon after the wedding, and if everything goes as planned, I’ll either be very pregnant or have a newborn at the time of her wedding, so I think that physically and financially it would be really difficult. I’m afraid to tell her this because I feel like she’ll think it’s just an excuse and I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I don’t think I’d be the best bridesmaid.

Do you think I’m wrong for deciding to say no? I’m really nervous and feel like she’ll drop out of my wedding last minute because of it.

If you don't want to be a bridesmaid, you don't have to be a bridesmaid. You don't need to justify to anyone.

"With all the things going on in my life right now (baby and wedding planning, I don't think I'll be able to commit to being your bridesmaid."

ETA: I misread. You're not even pregnant yet. Just tell her that your own wedding planning is enough on your plate.

I'm surprised that someone who blatantly tells others she doesn't like your FH and excludes you from other events because of it is a BM in your wedding. At that point, I'd have a serious conversation with her when this happened and if that didn't seal the deal, I'd cut her off. I think it's fine to say that you can't do it because of the financial constraints but that you'd love to be a guest and you look forward to her day.

I am not understanding how she is a good enough friend for your wedding and you not the same for hers. Would it be ok if she dropped out of your wedding since she is getting married? I think you need to examine what this friendship truly means to you. You do not have to be a bridesmaid because she was one for you, I do not believe in tit for tat, but anyone I picked I would be a bridesmaid for in a heartbeat regardless of what life plans I had. They are my nearest and dearest friends.

Have you ever spoken to her about this or was it just heard from others?

I don't know...you have every right to not be a bridesmaid (as does anyone), but I'd be pretty devastated if someone I thought was my friend was actually not my friend, especially if I were never given a chance to explain or rectify the situation.

The pregnancy part is also irrelevant for now...I wouldn't mention it.

ETA: Of course she's excited about her wedding...it's HERS! Unless she's called you out for not being excited enough, I'd say you're making an assumption about how she wants you to feel.

If I'd heard a friend was saying things like that and excluding me from events, I would have a conversation with her about it. If she's truly your friend and doesn't like your FH, she should be able to tell you as much, or just keep her mouth shut. If you don't feel comfortable being a bridesmaid, you should be honest with her. Financial concerns and having enough going on in your own life are perfectly good reasons to say no. If she drops out of your wedding at the last minute over it, perhaps she's showing her true colors and is not as good of a friend as you think she is.

I'm curious why you asked her to be a BM in your wedding, if she excludes you and FH and tells others she doesn't like him...

But back to the point - just tell her you feel honored that she thought of you, but with everything you have going on in your life, you would rather attend as a guest.

Though - no one will be as excited about your wedding as you - and that goes for both of you. She's obviously going to be more excited for her own wedding than yours(even if yours is sooner than hers), just as you're more excited for yours than hers. Its not that she doesn't care, your wedding just isn't a priority to other people and that's okay. I don't think any of my bridal party knows my date by heart or where my venues are at - they don't need to know until the rehearsal so I don't see why its a big deal 3 months out.

I mean technically she doesn't have to like your FH, all she has to do is be happy for you and supportive of the relationship. Which I assume she is since she agreed to be a bm. Not everybody gets along in life, and it's probably easier to just not invite both of you to things rather than explain why just you got invited. Also avoids an awkward conversation about why she keeps not inviting him to things.

It's also not that big of a deal to forget the date and location, it happens, I asked my best friend more than once because I had it in a different calendar, it's not like I carry save the dates and invitations with me everywhere I go.

I don't think you're wrong to say no. If you do it now she won't have to pay for your gift or be upset when you are super preggo or with newborn

You don't need validation for your decisions. If you're unhappy with the way she respects/treats your relationship, then it's a valid feeling. If you're truly nervous about being pregnant or a new mom during her wedding, then that's valid as well. Actually, you don't have to provide a reason at all. You can simply decline.

The issue is the consequence of your decline. According to your post, she's your close friend. Be a friend to her first (and make your decision on your friendship) and a bride/bridesmaid second. The dynamics of your friendship doesn't change just because there's a wedding. Just understand that if you decline, she will probably back out of your wedding as well - I know I would.

If I were her, I would be pretty hurt if I was a bridesmaid for my friends wedding and she said no to being in mine due to planning her own wedding. You have every right to say no but I don't there would be any way of declining without hurting her feelings.

I know she'll be hurt and I also know if things go as planned and I have a newborn baby at the time I just won't be up to being her bridesmaid. I'm really conflicted on what to do.

I know I need to have a conversation with her about the things she's said about my FH (which I just found out recently--she's agreed to be my BM 11 months ago...) but we live a couple hours away from each other and I want to do it in person.

And it wouldn't be for the reason that I'm planning my wedding that I'd say no to her. It's that we're planning to start a family and financially and physically I don't think I'd be able to fulfill bridesmaid duties.

Yeah I don't get why you would want somebody standing up at the alter with you and FH when she doesn't support your relationship/marriage. I feel like that's the bigger issue here. How does FH feel about this whole situation. Ultimately it's your choice on who you have stand up with you, but if I found out one of my BMs does not support my marriage they would be out of that wedding party so fast their head would spin.

Wait until she actually asks you. Do you think she'll ask you before your wedding? Also she is very early to be asking bridal party.

Baby making rarely goes as planned. There's only a 20% chance that a healthy woman under 35 will get pregnant in any given month. Even if you do get pregnant, 1 in 4 women have a miscarriage. Potentially being pregnant when you're not pregnant now and have no real idea if you will be pregnant then is not a good reason not to be a BM.

The stuff about your FH is definitely a separate conversation. I think that very much impacts your relationship with her, regardless of BM or not.

There is no way to decline without hurting her feelings and creating resentment, I'm afraid. That being said, maybe this is a friendship that should fizzle out, seeing as she is excluding you from events because she doesn't like your FH.

Personally if I were you I would just tell her that you do want to start a family soon and you will need to be saving every extra penny after the wedding towards that family plan so when you do get pregnant you will have the funds needed to provide baby with everything it could need. Tell her that truthfully and that while you would love to be up there with her on her day, your plan for starting a family was already in place when she got engaged and it just isn't feasible to commit to the financial, time, and physical requirements to be in a bridal party. Because baby or no baby, if you are planning for one you need to save up for when it does happen. Babies are expensive and it should be something she can understand without hurting her feelings too much, if she truly does care about you.

Before we even discuss me being in her wedding or her being in mine we would have to have a talk about the things she has said. ( allegedly) If she doesn't support your union, she shouldn't be in the wedding. I would start there. That will let you know how to move from there.

I think you are thinking way to far into the future right now and getting yourself worked up about a bunch of "what ifs". You need to first have a heart to heart with her about your own relationship with her and air any hurt feelings in a constructive way outside of either of your wedding plans. Then if all goes well with that and she does ask you to be a bridesmaid you should just ask her what her beliefs are about bridesmaids "duties". If she is much like you, then the expectations may be very minimal and you could easily stand up for her. If she wants more interaction and big extravagant plans, you can just calmly tell her that you would be happy to stand up at her wedding, but may not be able to attend to her in a more complex or financially extensive way.

One step at a time. Solve for the friendship. Let her ask about being a bridesmaid. Discuss expectations.

Meanwhile, breathe and try to enjoy your own wedding and life planning. Ultimately you and she may distance from each other, it happens. But you may just both need a little stress relief and some honest dialog to continue your friendship in a new way.

@Jessica I still don't feel like the baby stuff is really the real reason though (especially since it hasn't happened yet, and most any friend would understand if you backed out after the fact). I feel like this is more about the fact that you feel hurt by something she may have said or her not being excited enough for you, and you're wanting to retaliate in some way.

So by all means, say no to being a bridesmaid if you want, but have a real conversation with your friend about how you're feeling!