Advice on Dealing with a Difficult Bride/sister!!

You have to do self care and look out for yourself first. I'm sorry that this is happening

View Quoted Comment It breaks my heart as well! You’re right, about the damaging being already done even if I can like having to hear the truth. Our relationship is never going to be the same.

You know, usually when I see things like this, I try to give the other person the benefit of the doubt. But she is totally in the wrong about 90% of this. The only thing I'd cut her slack on is the necklaces. Which I think you should wear since she bought them and they are all going to match. Everything else is complete bs and I would've quit long ago. Especially after her FH was so disrepectful!!

View Quoted Comment Apart of me, was hoping to hear that I was actually the one completely in the wrong. This way, I could justify her behavior. I thought maybe, there was a chance I was just overreacting and this is truly what is expected in a traditional wedding like she insists. Dealing with my own would be so much easier then, dealing with the alternative. I appreciate, your advice and for everyone that took the time to comment even if it wasn’t what I wanted to hear, I needed to. Thank you!

View Quoted Comment In the beginning, I would’ve been devastated at the thought of not being included as a part of her wedding. I hate the fact, I’m now to the point where I would welcome her decision to be made a guest. It was never supposed to end up like this though.

She sounds like a spoiled brat with a fiancé who completely enables her poor behavior.
A bachelorette party is typically planned by her bridesmaids and MOH and she shouldn’t be dictating how much people need to spend. Life is too expensive and that’s not fair.

View Quoted Comment

Just go along with her treating her sister like crap? Like a lowly servant? I'm sorry, but that's just WRONG!! He is probably just wanting this to all be over with, but please, you have more than one daughter. Stand up and be a dad!! That really bugs me.

But beyond dad's reaction, what you should remember is that nobody can make you do anything. A bachelorette is like a bridal shower, in that you hope someone will throw that party for you--you don't demand it, and expect everyone around you to pay for it. If she won't budge on a more affordable event, tell her you just can't afford it, and opt out of that. Bridal party is not required to attend all pre-wedding events. It would be nice if you could, but not realistic here. I agree with PP here, if she is requiring professional hair and makeup, she has to pay for it. Tell her you can't afford that, and you'll gladly do your own hair and makeup, as well as your daughter's. As for the hotel room, same thing. If she is requiring her BMs to stay in the hotel the night before, she needs to pay for it all. If it's not a necessity, stay at home with your family the night before, and meet up with the bridal party the next day. No big deal. I hope all the posts here reassure you that she is the bridezilla, she is the problem, and not you. Just do your best to get through it, and move on.

View Quoted Comment

I agree with this.

There are two ways to have a last time out with women friends, or bachelorette. One is, your close friends, some wedding party, some not, get together to plan a party, decide all will plan or just a few ( often MOH is both oldest and closest friend, and volunteers.) These are the hostesses. They plan an event the all have the time and money for, and will also divide up the cost of the bride's admissions or food or drink. Traditional parties are a day, or an evening. Infrequently, longer. TV makes it seem all are multiday trips, but most are not. The other way, and since I would not have wanted the night out drinking and clubbing some were talking about, what I did: Instead of going to a party for you, planned and paid for by others, the bride becomes hostess and plans a party for friends and herself. I wanted some people not attending the wedding, so I did not call it a bachelorette. Just a women's weekend. As party hostess, I worked extra shifts so I could afford to rent rooms for 11 ladies who accepted plus me, and one suite entertaining kitchen/ living room attached to the rooms. I bought the groceries. I brought the hammocks and small boats. I paid for the James Taylor concert tickets, and when time came, paid 1 night theatre tickets. And I treated everyone to one night out for dinner. All stayed the long weekend except 2, who spent one night and both days. So like any party hostess, I planned what I wanted, invited those whom I wanted, and paid for everything except incidental purchases they made in town when we explored local shops. They paid their own gas. My BM were far away, not available except when the went to one shower near them, for my whole engagement. But I got what I wanted and paid all of the expenses. . Your sister wants to plan a party, decide who is coming, what to do, where to go and fir how long. That is what a hostess does. But she wants to send you the bill. No. Buy her a book on Manners/ Social etiquette. She plans, gets her wishes, then as hostess, she pays the lodging, and the food bill, and the liquor bill, and all entertainment costs, for everybody who comes. And two days later, they each sit down and write her a thank you note. . That is the choice: She graciously accepts what you all are willing to do, the mist basic going out for pizza and beer, or something more. And you split her costs. Or she plans and pays everything for me everyone else. She cannot have half of both, demanding whatever she wants, then ducking paying all the expenses. . Tell her her choices. If you do not get a complete apology, withdraw your offer to plan a bachelorette. Tell her to invite you and everyone else to her party, and call you after she prepays all the hotel bills, and comes up with enough money for every one's entertainment, from her wedding budget. Give her an etiquette or Social manners book ( from a used book store) for a wedding gift, and deliver it early, like now. With a place marker in responsibilities of a party hostess, and expected behavior of a guest of honor. It may keep her from making this kind of mess for the rest of her married life. She is behaving like a Princess who is ruler of all subjects in her kingdom, known also as an out of control, self involved bride to be who will lose the friends and family she has, if she does not change her ways. . You are doing her no favors in real life if you allow and cater to this. Like giving any bully what he or she wants, you are giving her the right to push you around till she gets what she wants. She needs to grow up.

The fiancé telling you to get a second job would have been it for me. I would have politely bowed out and taken my children with me. What an obnoxious pair they are.

I agree with everything most PPs have said. Draw the line in the sand, now. Don't pay for a hotel room you don't need, don't pay for hair and makeup that you can do yourself, thank Dad for all the support (sarc), and don't go on a weekend long trip that's unnecessary and that you can't afford...

… and be sure to send your sister a link to this thread. Maybe reading what others think of her antics will be an eye opener.

View Quoted Comment We are ten years apart. We grew up with the same parents, same house just entirely different treatment. While, her big crisis in College was getting her own dorm room to herself, mine was talking classes without books cuz I couldn’t afford them. I guess, I’ve always just followed my parents habits of giving into all of her demands. I’ve always known the fact that it’s always been a one way street in our relationship, but I’ve never wanted to deal with fact or admit it to myself. However, when she told me if I didn’t change my attitude (meaning don’t argue with her about doing whatever she wants) then, she would take me out of the wedding as her MOH. I couldn’t even image saying something like that to anyone. The realization that she values all of these other material trivial things over her own sister was like a knife to the heart. It’s why, I decided to come on here and get some feedback on the entire situation because I didn’t know what to believe anymore.

View Quoted Comment Well, I’ve had already completely, given into and planned her entire bachelorette trip to Nashville that she was wanting after her the last tantrum she threw, when I had simply suggested she help pay for some of the expensives. I’ve even the ordered the t-shirts she wanted from Etsy to wear on the trip and expected to drive all five of us there and back. That’s why, when I simply just suggested the idea of just wearing different I had already purchased, I hadn’t expected her to react so harshly.

View Quoted Comment I like the idea of sending her the link to this page! Haha I don’t even want to know the kind of fit that would cause, but family members I’m sure would be made to choose sides for the war she was about to start. Yes, I agree! They make a great pair! She tells him what she wants and he does what she wants. Although, I have vented to my husband about all kinds of different things over the years and he would never think of talking to any of my family members or otherwise disrespectfully.

View Quoted Comment Really, wish I had gotten on here sooner before agreeing to her ridiculous bachelorette party demands. I had no idea about any of this stuff!!

View Quoted Comment REALLY, really wish I had known all of this prior to planning and giving in to her bachelorette party demands. I wasn’t given an option in hosting it and I didn’t realize I had an option. I’ve already paid for the first half of the Airbnb we picked out and decided on with the second part of it due the end of next month. She says, she can’t afford to pay for any of the trip with all the wedding expenses even though parents on both side have paid for a lot of expenses. She even suggested that we split the cost of tipping her hair dresser! I LOVE your idea of getting her the book, it’s brilliant. I’m gonna look for one today and consider it her wedding gift. I doubt she would lower herself to reading it though anytime I’ve ever tried to share my opinion about something with her it’s always the same response, I already know. It’s hard when someone already knows everything!!

I just wanted to say, wow, your sister sounds like a selfish nightmare. She has no business dictating those things to you. She needs to understand and respect people's budgets. A lot of people pay for their wedding and don't get a trip in return. Typically, whenever I've heard of destination bachelorette parties, the bride actually does chip in for her travel and the BMs might treat her to drinks and dinner out or a spa day, but definitely not pay for everything for the bride. Is there a way you can just step down as MOH, but still keep your daughters in the wedding. Perhaps say something like, the wedding events are now out of your budget. You still want your daughters to participate, but you will unfortunately just have to attend as a guest. I am so sorry you are going through this. Just know that your sister is totally in the wrong here and you have ever right to feel the way you do.

View Quoted Comment There are things bridestraditionally may decide: The color and style of the dress, yes. The general appearance of shoes such as saying please wear dark color to blend with your dark dress, or no cowboy boots with your satin gown , or no high contrast, like orange shoes with a purple gown , these are general guidelines for for.al dress, so bride can say do it , or you are not walking with us. But not specifics of heel heights, or requiring all wear same ones. People wear what is comfortable, and safe, and will avoid buying things with money they cannot spend, and the bride can only say otherwise when they cross generally accepted modes of dress. That has always been the rule of etiquette for accessories. Reasonable latitude for BM. BM are not paid models or actresses receiving $300 an hour for a ten or twelve hour bridal bonanza. Etiquette does not say, anywhere, do whatever the bride wants. Etiquette says, the bride may describe her preferences in hairstyle, shoes, jewelry, but she cannot require people in an honorary position be dressed as though they are models projecting their employers desired image. At all times, friends and family are individual people, and brides do not have the right to cross over traditional social boundaries, except for the dress.Traditional boundaries are , that adults choose their own clothing, hairstyle, personal jewelry, and other accessories, within broad guidelines of socially appropriate items for the occasion. And are careful not to outshine the bride >> no BM in tiara, or veil, or multistanded diamond necklace rented from Winston. Within those guidelines, except dress, the attendants choose the details of their attire. If bride wants something else, and fully pays for it, she can ASK something be worn. But the BM can decline to do so, with no consequences: you cannot throw a BM out for wearing her own jewelry and accessories unless they are blatantly not appropriate. Bride cannot say, wear this silver locket and this silver chain bracelet I am giving you, because I say so. That is inappropriate and childish. Can't say, I want everyone to wear only this ruby friendship ring with the matching dress, if the BM wants to wear her engagement ring, or any of her own real jewelry. Brides can disallow wearing a steak knife dangling from 1 pierced ear, or a leather gunbelt around BM waist. But not manage every detail of dress. It is not a job, and there is no right on the bride's part to expect obedience from adult friends. . TV wedding shows, and the media, have given forums to examples of outrageously selfish behavior, as though they are appropriate. Bride as dictator in the goal of achieving her vision. But this is like learning manners from Roseanne Barr or The Three Stooges. Though popular, and sometimes outrageously funny, no one should imitate them and assume they demonstrate basic adult social manners.

Wow. is my first reaction. I'm sorry your sister is adding so much stress and making MOH so hard on you. This should be a fun time celebrating her and her FH's relationship. Have you talked with the other bridesmaids regarding the bachelorette party. If they also feel the same way about the financials maybe they'll be willing to speak up to your sister as well and she can come around to something less expensive?

View Quoted Comment Can you just cut your loses and not pay the other half? I mean truthfully even if you have to pay it maybe just go there without her and enjoy the time. I wouldn’t get into her selfish bratty ways by allowing her a free trip

View Quoted Comment

No, she doesn't get to pick the jewelry. They're not Barbie dolls to be dressed up. She gets to pick a dress, with their budget and comfort in mind. She can dictate a neutral color of shoe. She can offer to pay for a professional hair stylist and/or make-up artist. That's about it.