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Advice? My brother wants me in his wedding and is not inviting my fiancé.

David, on February 21, 2023 at 1:37 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 15
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My brother and his fiancé have been planning their wedding the last 2-3 months. Before that my entire family including my fiancé have really been looking forward to the wedding. They just sent out the save the dates and I found out that my fiancé is not invited to the ceremony. They are saying because it’s small, yet there are over 70 people coming. I have been asked to be in the wedding. I’m shocked my fiancé is hurt because this was really unexpected. My fiancé and I pushed out our wedding date so my brother and his fiancé can have their moment. I don’t want to attend his wedding am I wrong to not go? Is it normal for the wedding party to not bring a plus one? This has never happened to me with the other wedding I’ve been in. They told me there is no chance she can come but that it’s all because they had to trim the list. This is kind of creating chaos, surprising because we never thought she wouldn’t be invited and our parents are shocked. If I go I upset my fiancé and my brother is telling me he can’t have his wedding with out me. Does anyone have any advice for me on this?

15 Comments

Latest activity by Paige, on February 28, 2023 at 11:35 AM
  • Lianne
    Dedicated August 2023
    Lianne ·
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    It is getting more and more common to not have plus ones on the guest list HOWEVER your fiancé is practically family and I wouldn’t consider my brother’s fiancé (if he had one lol) a plus one, that’s going to be my sister in law! I understand how that would make things very awkward in the family and your brother needs to realize what a rift that puts between you as brothers and you as soon to be husband and wife. Tell him to imagine you uninvite his soon to be wife from your wedding and consider how that would make them feel. If he still doesn’t understand then I think it’s best to not go. He’ll always be your brother. But marriage requires more conscious effort. They’re more fragile. Put the effort into your fiancé. Choose her every time.
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  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
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    Significant others will never be plus ones because they are always a social unit who are named guests together as a package deal. A plus one is an optional random stranger invited to entertain an unattached single guest. They are not the same.


    It is the height of rude for you to be invited and your partner to be not invited. It is incredibly disrespectful for the marrying couple to ask someone to come celebrate their relationship and tell guests who are in relationships, regardless of the time together that they have no right to judge the validity of, that the guests’ relationships are imaginary and not deserving of reciprocal respect.
    Decline this invitation and do not engage with further interactions. . If your brother and sister in law are unwilling to acknowledge and respect your partner, they have made the conscious choice to disrespect you as well. Be prepared for irreparable family rifts as a result.
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  • Alyssa
    Super October 2023
    Alyssa ·
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    I'm seconding everything Michelle said.

    The audacity that they want you there to celebrate their relationship. Love. And commitment while dismissing your relationship. There has to be a different reason, is your fiance very beautiful? Do you think SIL would be "jealous"? Have they gotten along prior without issue?

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  • Janet
    Expert October 2018
    Janet ·
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    Trim the list by cutting a siblings fiancé? Nope. Do not let him guilt trip you. You get to see everyone else with their significant other, but yours get's to stay at home because they decided your fiancé was worth cutting with no explanation. He can have his wedding without you. The only requirements are the required witness, the couple, and the officiant. Imagine when your wedding comes around and you said oops we don't have the room for your wife, I can't imagine my day without you and my other 70 guests. Something isn't adding up to their rudeness

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  • Erin
    Super May 2022
    Erin ·
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    Your fiancée is not a “plus one”. Spouses, fiancé(e)s, and boyfriends/girlfriends are not “plus ones”. They are a unit with the other person. It seems like a lot of people these days are misinterpreting and misunderstanding the concept of a “plus one”. It’s actually an open-ended guest allowance for someone not in a relationship. Your brother is in the wrong to do this. I would try what Lianne suggested and if he still doesn’t get it, decline the invitation.
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  • Cece
    Rockstar October 2023
    Cece ·
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    Your fiancé is not a “plus one” to be shaved off the guest list. She is your significant other, making the two of you a social unit. Social units should always be invited to weddings together. Your brother and FSIL are completely in the wrong for this. They are requesting you to join them to honor their relationship, but are simultaneously disrespecting yours. This is unbelievably inconsiderate and rude, not to mention poor etiquette. Lianne made a good suggestion about asking your brother to imagine you uninviting his fiancé to your wedding. Hopefully they understand their mistake and immediately correct it. If they still refuse to invite your fiancé, however, I would decline attending.


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  • Lisa
    Rockstar July 2022
    Lisa ·
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    I agree with Janet! That is incredibly rude for them to cut your fiancee from the guest list. I would have a conversation with them about this, and ask how your brother would feel if you removed his partner from the guest list for your wedding. Your fiancee is family, you and her are a package deal, and both should be invited. If they still refuse to include your fiancee, I would refuse to attend their wedding.
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  • R
    Rockstar
    Rosebud ·
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    Well if your brother is saying he can't have his wedding without you then surely he can make room for one more person. This isn't a stranger off the street its his soon to be sister in law. It was wrong to leave her off the invite but it's a simple fix he can apologize and move on with an invite. I d say as calmly as possible to him I love you I d love to be at your wedding but I cannot go and celebrate your union/relationship while you are disrespecting mine if my fiancee and your future sister in law isn't welcome then I am not able to come. Unless there's more drama to this story there is no reason she shouldn't be invited and in my opinion it is wrong of them not to invite her.

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  • C
    CM ·
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    As everyone has said it has always been mandatory etiquette to include fiances and spouses, and more recently (relatively speaking) a mature couple who is living together or a social unit in a long term committed relationship as well. So your brother is totally out of line. The ultimate choice of what to do about it is yours but I can't imagine disrespecting your fiancee in this way. I would tell your brother that you are unwilling to leave her at home and will have to send regrets if that's the situation. I can't imagine what he's thinking. Can your parents reason with him?

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  • Mcskipper
    Master July 2018
    Mcskipper ·
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    Your feelings are right here. Keep in mind, whatever you do: YOU are not the one causing upset here, your brother is. Remember that even if he tries to throw it on you. If he thinks he can’t have his wedding without you, that is HIS problem to solve. So don’t feel guilt there, he is perfectly able to adjust in a way that he could have you at the wedding. He is CHOOSING not to and trying to put it on you. Not gonna fly with me, bro!
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  • Taylor
    VIP October 2022
    Taylor ·
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    I can’t believe that. Your soon to be wife is not someone to be cut for the sake of a smaller guest list for your BROTHERS wedding. That is insanely rude. You need to stand by your soon to be wife and not attend. There may be family upset but regardless of what he says he can have the wedding without you. Do not let him or your family guilt you for sake of not causing issues. This is the kind of thing to start an issue over
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  • Shannon
    Super July 2022
    Shannon ·
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    Your brother is rude and manipulative. First by not inviting your fiancé and second, by turning his poor decision on you. If he changes his mind and accepts your fiancé, it will just be awkward.
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  • D
    David ·
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    I know some of you asked if we’ve had problems in the past with my brother and his fiancé. None that we could think of I thought we were close and this was a really hard to believe surprise. Thank you all for your thoughts and encouragement with this.
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  • W
    Dedicated June 2022
    Whitney ·
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    It's bad form for your brother to exclude your fiancé. Even if the wedding had 10 guests, your fiancé should have been one of them. Couples are a social unit.

    You would be right to bow out. But if it were me, I would still go, but I would remark to my brother how inappropriate this is.

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  • Paige
    VIP October 2022
    Paige ·
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    I personally stand by anyone in the bridal party getting a +1 since they're putting in a lot of time, money, and effort to support the wedding couple, but someone's significant other shouldn't even be a question. I agree to ask your brother how he'd feel if his fiancé wasn't invited to your wedding, but if he digs his heels in on his rude behavior, I'd decline. You and your fiancé are going to be married, so she should be your top priority, not your brother. If he can't have his wedding without you, he'll find a way to make it work, but that's his problem to solve, not yours.

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