My boyfriend and I have been in a loving, committed relationship for the past 3.5 years. Living together for 1.5/ LDR for past 5 months (my partner received a job offer in his hometown, which is across the country from where we used to live). I’ve met my boyfriend’s best friend on numerous occasions, and we’ve always gotten along wonderfully! We also loved his girlfriend/now fiancée and genuinelly considered them to be very close friends of ours! Even though we didn’t live in the same city, we often came to visit and got along great.
They got engaged 2/3 months ago and we were simply overjoyed! We were hesitant to assume ANY form of invitation because of COVID 19, and knew it was a delicate situation. My BF was (within 2 hours of the engagement) invited to be a groomsmen, an invitation which he of course accepted. Assuming this meant we were both invited, my BF said we would be honored to join, hoping to get a clear and immediate confirmation/understanding of where the groom stood. We figured, if the groom is so confident and set on inviting him the day of their engagement, they’ll invite me too, right? Their wedding was going to be in 4 months and my BF and I would have to coordinate flights/accommodations/time off work quite in advance. The groom agreed and insinuated we were both invited.
We were thrilled that our friends were getting married, it was going to be a wonderful celebration, and a great opportunity for my BF and I to have fun together after months of LDR. We couldn’t wait.
Weeks pass, I’m still adapting to a LDR but thrilled my BF and I have a date to reunite now, and am genuinely super excited about the wedding. I even updated the bride about how excited I was to buy a new dress for the occasion, thinking all was well. Meanwhile my BF is making plans with the groom about the upcoming wedding/ bachelor’s weekend. They’re buying suits, booking flights, etc. My BF hasn’t received a formal confirmation that I’m also invited, but is quite certain I am. Over these past few weeks, he keeps hinting to delicately see if we are indeed both invited (He remind the groom that I am thrilled to join etc). The groom never corrects my BF and for weeks keeps dodging the question directly.
Eventually, my BF feels the need to clarify and asks him outright “Hey I just want to confirm X is invited?” At this point, the groom makes it clear that they don’t have the space to invite me, and that they aren’t giving anyone plus ones.
I understand space restrictions due to COVID, but am still shocked. Apparently the groom and bride ran the numbers down the line (closer to the wedding date) and realized they didn’t have space? I asked if only close family was attending, apparently not. Childhood friends, college friends, colleagues, couples, family etc. were all invited. I considered them not just my BF’s friends, but mine too? I’d understand if they barely had any friends and mainly family…
Somehow this feels disrespectful to our relationship. We’ve been together about 1.5 years longer than they have, and something about being called a plus one feels hurtful? What’s worse is my BF didn’t clearly verbalize his discomfort with the situation – he tells me they still go on as normal friends? Talk about plenty non-wedding stuff and pretend this didn’t happen?
A few weeks pass, I fly out to come see my BF as I had time off before the start of my research fellowship. The couple in question fly into town for an engagement party – which they invite us to – we go and celebrate with them, I feel uncomfortable but am still kind and sweet. I wish them the best. They invite themselves over to my BF’s place (without letting us know), and somehow don’t address the issue at hand? They tell us to come visit them in their new apartment…?
I don’t understand why my BF’s “supposed” best friend would put him in this position? Why not be honest from the start? We’re understanding people. It hurt to know plenty of young people / friends were invited and I somehow didn’t make the cut because I was friends with them, but not somehow good enough to be a stand alone invite? I thought it was rude to split up serious couples for formal events. I thought I wasn’t a “plus one”. One of the bridesmaids is bringing her husband, even though he’s never even met the groom. I’ve invited, housed, and served these people in my tiny student apartment countless time, even when I didn’t love the idea/was tired/on a student budget – to make my boyfriend happy. I thought I’d get some sort of affirmation and validation from him that this wasn’t respectful or ok.
I know we aren’t married or engaged, but anyone who knows us knows we are as serious and committed as any engaged/married couple. We’re waiting a few years (I want to finish graduate school and be financially independent before marriage) before making that step. I’ve been to countless weddings on my BF’s side of the family, have traveled and met almost his entire extended family. I guess it doesn’t help we’ve been together ages longer than they have… but somehow they felt it’s ok to tell me months after their engagement I wasn’t invited.
I will NEVER tell my boyfriend what to do, and don’t want to rob him of any happiness or any opportunity he wants. I don’t have a “my BF and I have to go everywhere together” attitude, but this feels rude. I know it’s not ultimately my place because it’s their wedding.
I just wish my boyfriend would feel hurt as well, and outraged, or something (he tells me he’s mainly hurt because he’s seen how upsetting it’s been for me). He says I have to look past it, accept no one is perfect. G-d bless him he’s a pacifist at heart.
My BF’s friend insists my BF come to the wedding – went out of his way to inform him it’s totally ok to come without me, he wanted to make sure I wasn’t forcing him to NOT go to his wedding. Said he was looking out for him as a friend?
My BF doesn’t want to lose this friendship, I don’t want to be in the position of asking/saying anything and coming off as the bad guy. I want my BF to make up his own mind – which is proving difficult.
Any advice or help? Much appreciated !!
